Would you like some cream and sugar too?

Posted on April 14, 2012 by Noe in Austin in Featured, Game Recaps

Miami Fish 5|Houston Welcome Home Mats 4
Super Mario Park
The visiting Houston Astros brought house warming gifts to the Miami Marlins tonight, giving them four runs in the first three innings. Playing the part of the good guest that Ms. Manners would be proud of was Lucas Harrel, who resembled anything but a starting pitcher on this night. He may as well serve tea and crumpets all night long the way he was making the Marlins feel so warm and fuzzy with all the nice-nice he was serving up. Oh, he had help from his mates out in the field, but all in all, Harrel was just what the Marlins needed to fluff the pillows and prop their feet up in their nice new home. Just a second…

GOOD LORD! WHAT A HIDEOUS MONSTROUSITY OUT IN LEFT FIELD!!! NOOOO, SERIOUSLY?!?! COME ON!!!

Okay, now back to your recap. The good guys spotted themselves a one run lead early in the first inning, looking for all the world like a team wanting to compete tonight. The Harrel took over and that was that. So it was up to the bullpen to play the role of rude guest tonight and shut down the Fish while the team tried to climb back into this game. It’s becoming a staple of this team to fight, fight, fight to get back into games that seem lost causes and that’s good to see. Perhaps too young to know better is at work here, but honestly, the best way to compete is to score enough runs and prevent the other team from scoring any (or at minimum fewer than you). That means good pitching and good defense… so the young Astros have to work on that part, mkay. Wait a moment….

I’M SERIOUS, WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?!?! ANYONE? THIS IS PURE INSANITY…

In the end, the Astros tied the game at four to reward the bullpen for doing good work on a seriously huge blast by Miami native J.D. Martinez. Way to go kid! Of course, it would be all for naught in the eleventh inning when Brandon Lyon came in and promptly brought out the nescafe and sweet bread to end the night for the local nine. He gave up the winning run on two straight hits and sent everyone home happy. Ah, what a beautiful scene of bliss for the home team and fans. Good night everyone, drive home safely!

LOOK, YOU’VE GONE AND BLINDED OZZIE WITH THIS.. THIS… WHAT THE HELL IS IT?!?! I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY MIAMI!!!

E(4) = L(3) for Wandy

Posted on April 12, 2012 by Andyzipp in Featured, Game Recaps, News

Somehow…I became responsible for this recap (and the one yesterday). I blame Polish women with a penchant for quitting.

Anyway, for the second time in two opportunities this season, four errors during a Wandy Rodriguez (0-1, 2.38) start led to loss Wednesday night as the Astros lost to the Braves 6-3. The loss wasted decent offensive performances from the remarkably mellow Jordan Schafer (.348), the diminutive Jose Altuve (.368) and the happy to be here/in need of a shave J.D. Martinez (.364), who hit his second dinger of the season in the first inning to give Houston their one and only lead of the game.

The Braves, who were making their last trip to Houston for the forseeable future, cashed in on wild pitches, shoddy defense and the sort of general malaise that the ticket-buying public possesses and HudsonHawk laments. During a particularly forgettable fourth inning, Atlanta managed to bat around with assistance from three of the four Astros hamfistings in the top of the frame. After a few more innings of general slapdickery, they called it a game.

The loss dropped the Astros (3-3) to .500 for the season, which…yay? Still better than expectations…still better than the Cubs.

Up next, 3 games against the Florida Miami Miracle Marlins in remarkably gaudy Marlins Park, which may or may not have Harvey Firestein working the PA.

The PA is reported to think the situation is fabulous.

Maybe it’s the crowd.

Posted on April 8, 2012 by Ron Brand in Featured, Game Recaps

On a day with all this talk of redemption and rebirth and re this and re that, making old things new or something that wasn’t into something that is, today we saw the sweet breath of life resuscitating the moribund Home Nine into something like the Guns of Navarone. Don’t be messing with us, boy, we gots pitchin’ and timely hittin’ and little dudes flying around the bases…we got us a TEAM, boy, and don’t you forget it…

At least for today. This was a good weekend, facing off against a foe that strikes no fear in the heart after having to contend with real champeens and being shown how wide the gulf had become. Today the almost-previously-dead Juan Nicasio rose to the hill and matched Our Golden Surfer over seven. He left with a 2-1 lead courtesy of #7-hitting absolute-nobody Wilin Rosario’s two-run yackleberry in the fourth. Mighty Mouse led off the bottom of the frame with a triple and was driven in by El Caballo’s two-bagger and that score held until the bottom of the eighth. With two out, MM and Martinez stacked singles and then Caballo nerfed a roller to third but the throw to first was awry, scoring pinch-runner Bixler.

Lefty Rex Brothers, who can bring that freaking ball, who reduces lefthanders to flailing Nancy Boys, who had all the advantages, was facing Lefty Bogusevic because Mills’ options were a lot like the Easter Bunny. Bogey, with all of 19 plate appearances against lefties in his career, with a .118 batting average against them, with a snappy .118 slugging percentage against them, promptly screamed the first pitch into right for the winner.

Redemption. Rebirth. Resuscitation. Indeed.

Myers came on for the ninth and New Astro Killer Cuddyer doubled. With two out, Helton drew a pinch-hit walk, but Colvin bounced out to end the game and send the Astros over .500 for the first time since 2009.

Attendance was announced as 14,195 paid. I can imagine how I’d promote a game on Easter Sunday, but it would probably result in a crowd even smaller than the 5000 or so who actually showed up. I don’t know how they did it in other cities, but they did draw more fans.

Screw ’em – the ones who showed up saw a good one, and they saw a team that is trying to win instead of searching how to play well enough to not be embarrassed. There’s a big difference.

Go Astros!

To Err is Human; To Err an Assload is Houston.

Posted on April 7, 2012 by Andyzipp in Featured, Game Recaps, News

Four errors helped the Astros waste a decent start by Wandy Rodriguez in their last season opener as a National League team Friday night, dropping a 5-3 decision to the visiting Colorado Rockies.

As the last link to the 2005 World Series team, and the “best” pitcher on the roster, Rodriguez drew the opening day assignment for the first time in his career by default. He managed the general fuckwititry surrounding him as well as he could, delivering six and a third innings, allowing 6 hits, 2 walks and 3 runs, none earned. So, quality start? Hooray? He also was credited with one of the errors, mainly because Jose Altuve had the Lollipop Guild song stuck in his head and forgot to cover first base on a bunt. Allegedly.

Several of Rodriguez’s teammates in the infield joined the error parade, including Chris Johnson, Altuve and Jason Castro. Carlos Lee refused to participate in the shenanigans by refusing to move for most of the game. If you live in Denver, Castro’s 8th inning gaff proved to be the game winner, and you’re likely very grateful, because who the hell wants to lose to this decades’ Pirates. Otherwise, watching Castro launch a ball behind a frozen runner into center field, resulting in a two base error, looked like a 2011 highlight.

One bright spot: Contractyear Lee began his year long audition for a job in the American League next year as soon as possible by picking up an RBI in the 1st inning and knocking the snot out of a 4th inning offering from Jeremy Guthrie over the eternally unnecessary train tracks in left field. Unfortunately, he didn’t hit the engineer, who apparently came straight to the game from an audition for a stage adaptation of 1993’s Super Mario Bros.

Overall, it appeared that despite wholesale changes in the front office and player ranks during the off-season, not much has changed from last season. There’s just not enough pitching or hitting to make up for a four error game. The opener was a game that a mediocre team would have won. The Astros will have to aspire to mediocrity for 2012.

Assuming the Mayans are wrong, next year, when they open with a loss to the Royals, maybe we’ll see some tangible progress. But for now, at least baseball, or whatever it is the Astros were doing Friday night, is back.

Fuck You, Bud

Posted on November 15, 2011 by Ebby Calvin in Featured

The President, he’s got his war
Folks don’t know just what it’s for
Nobody gives us rhyme or reason
Have one doubt, they call it treason
We’re chicken-feathers, all without one nut. Damn it!
Tryin’ to make it real — compared to what?

I was going to try to write this piece without using the phrase, “Fuck You, Bud.” Because “Fuck You, Bud” is crass and “Fuck You, Bud” is simple and “Fuck You, Bud” isn’t specific – it could be a reaction to any of the mindless and dimwitted decisions he’s made in his regime. But “Fuck You, Bud” is inevitable and “Fuck You, Bud” is to the point – even poetic – so I’ll do my best to incorporate “Fuck You, Bud” somewhere in here. But definitely not in the lede, that’s for sure. Or the title.

Now for something hyperbolic.

A meteor hurls slowly toward earth, immovable and foreboding, its path and intentions equally clear. You can see it if you squint your eyes and you can smell it if you flare your nostrils. It’s been there for months, and those who know of its existence and significance can do nothing but stare at it, day after day, hoping against hope. Because, really, there’s nothing you can do about it.

Then one day at work you hear a thunderous BOOM! and your fears are confirmed. Not only did the meteor hit – it landed with calculated precision, right on top of your fucking house. Your home, your memories, your dog, your past, present and future – all destroyed.

Then you discover Bud Selig created this putrid meteor in his bowels and shit it out his ass.

Fuck You, Bud.

Why us?

It’s simple, really.

Those who accept the DH see no reason for complaint. If you accept that the DH is a legitimate MLB practice, switching leagues for “balance” is nothing if not preferable. 14 teams in the AL embrace it – the Office of the Commissioner of Major League Baseball celebrates it – so what’s the big deal?

Add that thinking to the impending sale of a low-ratings baseball team with no World Series titles and it’s easy to find a solution to a manufactured problem. And hey – Nolan thinks the Rangers need a geographic rival! Let’s give it to him! To quote a quote from Dick-Fucking-Justice, “I spoke to Nolan Ryan,” the official said, “and he’s really excited. He thinks it’s going to be a very good thing.”

Ok so what the fuck is it, Bud? Competitive imbalance between the leagues? Or is it that Lynn Nolan is tiring of your teat and wants a fresh one?

Even IF you can look past these motivations – Bud totally Seligged this deal. He dragged a prospective owner – one who’s willing to pony up $680M for a last place team – through the muck to get here. Bud’s accusations of Crane’s shady business tactics were just that – shady business tactics, employed just so he could drop a steamy growler down the necks of Astros fans while we switched figureheads. Thanks for making this transition seamless, Bud, you fucking halfwit. It’s not like Astros fans haven’t put up with enough bullshit lately. And while I’m talking directly to you, Fuck You, Bud.

What now?

No more rivalries. No more meaningful Cardinals games. No more meaningful Cubs games. No more Dodgers or Mets or Braves or Giants. And yes, we despise many of these teams, but it’s a competitive emotion that’s tied directly to our love of playing and defeating them. The Astros will play them again, but it won’t be the same.

Congratulations, you now get to form a baseless hatred of the A’s and Angels and Mariners. I’ll assume I know where you stand on the Rangers.

Fewer sac bunts and sac flies. Fewer double-switches. Less pitcher-accountability. AL ball is dumbed-down, chicks-dig-the-long-ball marketing bullshit that leans on power and luck instead of strategy and planning.

Congratulations, you now get to overpay a one-talent fatass to sit on the bench 95% of every game.

But I’m just reciting facts here, nothing you don’t know or haven’t already lamented.

Daddy, what’s the NL?

My kids, who’re too young to understand baseball, will grow up AL fans. Fuck me, I’ll be watching with them. Houston baseball fans will become like Dallas baseball fans, but, you know, not as douchey. And life will go on. Some fans will accept it, some won’t, even more won’t even notice.

But that doesn’t cleanse Bud Selig, Jim Crane and Drayton McClane of their sins. We didn’t fucking ask for this. We don’t fucking want it and it’s not fucking necessary. It’s a pointless attempt to quench a drowning man’s thirst for balance, and our departing and incoming owners brought a bucket each.

Despite Bud’s best efforts, MLB wasn’t broken. For Astros fans, it is now. And if Bud’s lifelong dream to implement MLB-wide DH and year-round interleague play comes to pass, I won’t be the only one saying,

Fuck you, Bud.

I should make a fucking t-shirt.

Sanchez squeezes off St. Louis steamer

Posted on September 28, 2011 by Ty in Tampa in Featured, Game Recaps

Monday, September 26th, 2011

Turds 4
Astros 5

W: New Dad! | L: Don’t ask Dotel

It’s come down to this. A season as awful as many of us have ever witnessed comes to a close with a chance to fuck up the shit of a hated rival. As much as I would love to see this happen, I got one-hundred-and-four reasons to be skeptical. I guess my piss-poor attitude hasn’t had any effect on the team, at least for game 1 of this 3-game closer.

There is no match for the level of hate I have for the Cardinals. The fact that Berkman landed there has soiled his already dingy rep with me, so much so that he rides high on the shitheap, sitting bitch between Pooholes and LaGenius. Watching them crumble like day-old coffeecake has been one of the elusive pleasures this dark, dark season has given me. They are like one, big smirk and I’d like nothing more than to have our little team that couldn’t wipe that fucking thing off the face of the Gateway to the West.

Wandy looked wobbly as usual but when all was said and done, he got it done. As usual. He gave up the first Turd run in the 3rd after Freese singled then the mighty cocksucker doubled, moving Freese to 3rd. Holliday then laced a sharp single to left, scoring Freese but giving JD plenty of time to gun down Pooholes, who inexplicably headed home. Tough guy couldn’t even be bothered to try and score.

The boys took the lead pretty quickly in the bottom of the 3rd. Two straight singles, a beautiful sac bunt by Wandy and some heads-up baserunning by Barmes tied it up. Then a sweet double to left by Booj scored Towles to put the Astros ahead.

One inning later, a walk to Lee and a bomb by your right fielder, Matt Downs had the Astros up 4-1, but the Turds got one back in the top of the 5th. Wandy got hisself into quite the jam, giving up a double, walk and a single to load ’em with no out. But just as quick as he got into it, he got out of it yielding just 1 run on a Freese DP and a cocksucker K.

Major meltdown in the 8th, F-Rod starts the fun by giving up a Pooholes single and a walk to Holliday. Millsie calls on WW – sans the Dixie Dance Kings – to turn El Vendo to his weakish side. Of course, the shithead bangs a shot off the wall in left that caroms away from Booj and back towards the infield. Both turds on base scored to tie the thing up and it was looking dire for the task at hand. This all coming just as word of the Braves failings against the Phillies.

The score remained tied into the 10th as new dad Mark Melancon handled the Turds shakily but effectively. Dotel sat the Astros down 1-2-3 in the 9th and came on again in the 10th. First batter Bogie sliced a flare into left that rolled to the wall and landed him at 2nd base. A sac bunt by Booj was booted by Dotel and it’s now 1st and 3rd, no out.

The Man that is Angel Sanchez watches. He listens. He feels the situation. He knows that Dotel fucked up once, and he will again. Actually, it was just a textbook squeeze play executed to perfection. Sanchez laid it softly down the 1st base line and by the time Dotel reached the ball and attempted a scoop toss, Bogie was sliding across the plate.

So instead of the Turds dancing around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots on the turf of Minute Maid Park, the Astros celebrated in similar fashion, one of those satisfying though all-but insignificant victories that this season-from-hell hands them. But for me, this Astros fan, it’s far from insignificant. Watching the Turds eat a shit sandwich in such a crucial situation is manna for me. It keeps me alive and fuels the hunger I will feel for the season to come around again, with all the promises that a clean slate brings. I will once again have the hope and anticipation for what lies ahead for this young team and I will be there when it all begins again.

Unless the move to the fucking AL.

Personal note:

Just like the Astros, this hasn’t exactly been one of my better seasons. Mailing it in a few times and missing a few starts due to a strained work ethic. But I still enjoy writing these recaps, like pitcher likes to take the hill with it all on the line. I hope they brought you a smile once in a while. They do for me, every time.

Thanks as always to the admins, BudGirl and to all of you freaks who read this trash. Onward through the void!

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