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  • Featured (Page 77)

What’s That Smell? I Just Changed The Diaper.

Posted on June 17, 2012 by Ron Brand in Featured, Game Recaps

Rangers eleventyasswhipping, Astros giveuplikepussies

Eighth grade, dressing in our cramped, fetid cinder-block dressing room. There’s the usual roar of conversation, laughs, jokes that begin to tail off and then there is silence. Elbows nudge, glances to a corner of the room lead other eyes in the silence.

Bart, already down to his briefs, has removed his undershirt. From his shoulders to his thighs, he is covered – covered! – in bruises. Not one square inch of unbruised skin. Belt impressions, fists, fingers. He dresses quickly, doesn’t say anything. Neither do we. By ninth grade, Bart is gone.

***

17, beautiful and innocent, Barbara was the prettiest of the three best friends that I was surreptitiously juggling in that fertile ground of restaurant work. Too pretty by far for me, she was also too innocent; out of them all, this one was the least likely to survive more than a few weeks.

One day I showed up for a shift and it was clear that something was wrong, something that the three of them knew about, wanted to talk about, but could only share their dark truth with a trusted…boyfriend…

Seems that Barbara’s father had decided it was time for her to learn all about the birds and the bees, so he locked her in the bedroom, sisters and mother outside, while he took the time to deliver the details in a hands-on fashion.

***

Richard fought with his father for his entire life, a physical relationship that destroyed any concept of self-worth that he might have had a chance for. At 17 he started using drugs, graduating to a significant IV crank addiction by his mid-20s. Three ex-wives, couple of kids, covered in tattoos because the pain felt like a punishment to him, he finally did time for armed robberies he committed to pay for his latest wife’s heroin addiction.

***

Forrest was eight when his father called him out to the back porch to see something. His father wanted him to watch while he stuck a shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger.

***

My father was the dad that all my friends wished was their dad too. He was personable, very funny, sharp and perceptive. He also had enough of the rogue in him that made him even more attractive. He got middling marks at best in school – he was the kind of student who would call the instructors ‘teach,’ the guy who wouldn’t wear the motorcycle jacket but he’d attach the hook to the police car axle in the parking lot. He told me that story a long time before I saw it on the screen in American Graffiti, so I have no doubt that it was true.

Dad taught me everything you’d want your father to teach you. He was an excellent baseball player and he instilled that timeless love of the game in me. We played catch often. He was always up for working on my pitching. He took us to Astro games pretty much every summer.

He taught me the value of hard work. He ran a gas station with his father until they finally sold it in the early 70s as self-service company-owned stores began to replace the old franchises. He worked as a line mechanic for a dealership, drove a bread truck on the side and even was a part-time wrecker driver to make ends meet. His calm and personable manner earned him significant promotions at the dealership until he ended up being a general manager. We were very proud.

There were lots of other things that Dad taught me. Compassion, thinking situations through logically, what it means to be a good friend, and how to recognize crazy. Some of these lessons took many more years to sink in, but he was teaching them, whether my head was too thick to receive it or not.

Dad showed me how to be strong. When they wheeled him into the OR to see what was on his kidney, he never showed us the fear that we were all feeling. After they looked around and closed him back up instead of doing anything, he accepted that and never faltered.

We didn’t even know how close he was to the end until it was already upon us. He got to meet my wife but missed the wedding. He missed my children being born too, and I’m sure he would have been a fantastic grandfather. I miss his love and guidance and counsel every single day, but at least he was my dad for those years and I know I’m far more fortunate than many for that.

If you’re a father, I hope you can do your best to be the kind of father you’d want to have, regardless of your situation. You can’t do anything greater or of more importance than making your kids’ lives better.

If you’re not a father, maybe you can show your dad some appreciation for the sacrifices he made, even if they aren’t apparent.

Or, if you’re like the people I wrote about at the beginning, I hope you can find some peace and not make the same horrible mistakes those men did. Let that cycle of shame end with them and create a new legacy.

***

On this Father’s Day, Dallas Keuchel got the call due to Norris’ injury. Miraculously, he left in the bottom of the sixth with a 1-0 lead against the juggernaut Rangers. Of course, after a single by Cruz Mills brought in FeRod, who walked the bases full so he could hang a breaking ball to Kinsler for a three-run triple and the shitrain began to fall in torrents. Carpenter came in, gave up a single and then a home run to Beltre.

Lackadaisical play ensued in the field as the Astros gave up, resulting in well-deserved catcalls and hoots from the denizens of the GameZone. The fans pay for and expect better, but what they’re getting is the same watery explosive shit you’d expect from an infant, which is about the level of baseball IQ this team displays more often than not.

Watching this team mail it in on their way to shitsville every day is exasperating. After a brutal week, they have more favorable matchups next week so maybe they’ll care a little more when they aren’t being depantsed and beaten around the head by superior teams. Or maybe they’re about to go on a run of shitty baseball that we thought they’d graduated from. If that’s the case, look for a lot of changes to start happening soon, either with the team or with the managing.

Happy Father’s Day, y’all.

Another loss? What the hell? Oh well … Right on.

Posted on June 17, 2012 by Dark Star in Featured, Game Recaps, News

Happy’s birthday which is kind of an upset if you knew him tenyearsago but cool that he is still around doing the gz and recaps and shit … happy birthday happy, fuckin rangers win again.

Harrell looked good until he fell apart
Jackson Pollock made great art
Ok, Noe didn’t.

The Rangers kept the pressure on
Today another friend is gone
Cancer don’t relent.

Texas’ll probably win again Sunday
Rosary tomorrow, funeral Monday
Whiskey’s sometimes heaven-sent.

Ballgame tonight and another tomorrow then on to KC and the oblivion beyond.  Happy father’s day to everyone and remember this — Astros lost.

Astros lost.  And, 52 is too fucking young to die.

You heard it here first.

Gamezone

Offense, Where were Yu?

Posted on June 16, 2012 by Ron Brand in Featured, Game Recaps

Rangers 6, Astros 2
by Mr. Happy

Caught up in the exhilaration of contributing my first piece to SnS yesterday, I decided to tempt fate and go back to the well for another drink. The circs were different this time though. We weren’t in the City by the Bay; we were in Hell, Texas, a/k/a DFW. If you want just a short list of why Dallas sucks big time, read Ebby Calvin’s fine palpably hatred-filled series preview. In a nutshell, tonight’s game sucked. The clues as to suckitude arrived early on, just as we found out that CB Bucknor was going to be behind the plate tonight. How that guy is still in the big leagues is beyond me. He must have the pics of FYB channeling J. Edgar Hoover in a tutu and spikes. Disgusting. CB’s knowledge of the strike zone tonight was, well, just a shade big. Make that two shades.

This was a matchup of young Jordan Lyles and the well-rested Japanese/Iranian phenom Yu Darvish. The second clue that tonight wasn’t going to be the Astros’ night was that they were facing a starting pitcher who often pitches out of the stretch even when there is no one on base. After four innings, the young Lyles held on to a 1-0 lead, courtesy of a Jed Lowrie RBI single, driving home Altuve, who had gotten in scoring position after a walk by swiping a bag.

For the second straight start, Mr. Lyles ran into a five in five problem. The fielding let him down as Clank Johnson committed his ninth error of the season, which opened the floodgates of Hell with a following series of dink bloop hits and seeing eye singles. But it added up to five runs, which chased Mr. Lyles. The Regulators came into tonight’s game with one out in the bottom of the fifth, and only allowed one run for the balance of the game. But the damage was done.

Rhiner Cruz allowed his fifth home run-a solo bomb tonight by Mitch Moreland- in just 22.1 innings of work—numbers that are Abadesque. Should we keep Rhiner around should be the question on everybody’s minds. To me, he’s taking up a roster spot and better start showing some potential fast or send him back to the steM. His BAA of .311 suggests that he ain’t exactly fooling anyone. And he’s sporting a peachy 1.75 WHIP. Great.

The only other good thing that happened tonight was Justin Maxwell’s seventh home run, a solo shot. Jordan Schreefer should start looking over his shoulder at Maxwell, whose power, with a batting average close to Schreefer’s, may give him an edge in CF.

Yu Darvish, taking advantage of fucktard Bucknor’s ridiculously big strike zone, struck out 11 Astros. The Astros committed three errors tonight, so it just wasn’t a good effort anywhere around.

The good news is that the Game Zone, which had been moribund on the previous day, came back to life with a vengeance, where luminaries such as our own lovable Ron Brand waxed poetic on their intense hatred for front-running, classless RangerFan. I’ll close with another shot at CB Bucknor: you suck, Bucknor. If Millsie had half the nuts of some managers, he’d have gotten run by the end of the fifth inning on your horseshit strike calls.

Astros @ Rangers Series Preview

Posted on June 15, 2012 by Ebby Calvin in Featured, Series Previews

The 27-36 Astros (5th in NL Central, 4th in AL West) take on the 37-27 Texas Rangers (1st in AL West).

The Best Thing that Comes out of Dallas is I-45

Dallas is a shitty town.  You don’t need me to tell you this, but it bears repeating.  Some interesting facts:

  • Dallas is a shit-filled paper sack, set aflame on Houston’s doorstep.
  • If I had to live in Dallas, I’d live in Ft. Worth, and that place literally smells like shit.
  • Dallas built a baseball stadium an hour outside of town with no roof.
  • Dallas built a football stadium an hour outside of town with most of a roof.
  • The Rangers have been playing in Dallas since 1972 and still have no rivals.
  • The Dallas skyline’s most notable skyscraper is outlined in fucking neon green.
  • Dallas would serve fried Ewok on the forest moon of Endor.
  • The only difference between a bucket of shit and Dallas is the bucket.
  • I’m going to Dallas Saturday for a wedding reception.  The bride and groom live there, and since the most logical place in which to exchange their vows was Dallas, they went to Thailand.
  • Houston shot JR, because he was from Dallas.
  • My parents lived in Dallas for a year after they got married.  Their apartment got robbed twice – the first time they stole my dad’s nickel-plated Winchester shotgun.  The second time they stole the ammunition.  They’ve been in Houston since.
  • When people say they live in Dallas, they actually live in Plano or Rockwall or Sherman, because Dallas is shitty.
  • Chili’s started in Dallas.
  • If Houston is the armpit of Texas, Dallas is the choad.
  • Dallas has a higher crime rate than Houston, LA and New York.
  • Nick Jonas, Meat Loaf, and Vanilla Ice all hail from Dallas and accurately depict the collective musical tastes of its residents.
  • Bud Selig listens to Nolan Ryan.

See?  I wasn’t just expressing an opinion here – those are FACTS.  You can’t argue with facts.

Friday, June 15

Lyles (1-2, 5.40) vs Yu Darvish (7-4, 3.72)

Saturday, June 16

Harrell (6-4, 4.83) vs Justin Grimm (0-0, 0.00)

Sunday, June 17

TBD vs Colby Lewis (5-5, 3.13)

Injuries

Astros

Abad, Buck, Escalona, Marwin, FeMart, Weiland are all out for the series.

Carlos and Norris (though not scheduled to pitch) might be back.

Rangers

Neftali Feliz – Drank Dallas tap water, on life support.

Derek Holland – Ate at a Dallas restaurant, critical condition.

Alexi Ogando – Misplaced the s in his first name.

Koji Uehara – Unpronouncable illness.

Promotions

Friday – First 30,000 fans get a Rangers Yearbook.  Rangers players will sign every autograph, “Keep in Touch!”

Saturday – First 30,000 fans get a “Sweet Baby Ray’s Nolan Ryan Retro T-Shirt” because Dallas is fucking shitty.

Sunday – First 25,000 fans get a Coca-Cola Father’s Day BBQ Apron, designed by Ed Hardy.  XS and S sizes available.

What to Watch For:

Shitty fans.

Shitty weather.

Muggings.

Follow the action in the GZ!

Sorry for the abbreviated Preview.

Close Dancing

Posted on June 12, 2012 by Ron Brand in Featured, Series Previews

Astros @ Giants Series Preview

Your Houston Astros, 26-34 and 6.5 games back, visit the San Francisco Giants, 34-27 and 5 games back.

Beautiful beautiful
Girl from the north
You burned my heart
With a flickering torch
I had a dream that no one else could see
You gave me love for free

Candy, Candy , Candy I can’t let you go
All my life you’re haunting me
I loved you so

Be my Valentine

Jenny was the first person I met when I took my new job. Very professional, a good lawyer, she’s the one who gave me all the paperwork to fill out, the one who told me where to park, all the little things I needed to take care of before I got to my new desk. I liked her, she was funny, smart, pretty, and there was something more to her, some indeterminate whisper that fed the instinct to draw close without realizing it. Later on I would be more acquainted with this quality. I’m pretty sure Black Widows have it in spades.

I never really felt like I fit in at this job but the pay was great and I was flooded with accolades from my bosses. They made me feel like I’d brought them Fire, and compliments are a great salve. Especially early on, when you’re trying to get your feet. Jenny helped with that too – she knew more than she was going to tell me, but she’d guide me when I needed it. We became fast friends when I learned how to make her laugh. I discovered her impossibly black humor and how drawn she always was to the dark side of things. It wouldn’t surprise me if she made that her central conflict just for the sport of it, because she couldn’t function without a wave of challenge. Her special gift was giving in to her demons, embracing them completely and opening herself to them so that she could practice withdrawing from them when she decided to.

***

Tuesday, June 12, 7:15 PM PT, AT&T Park

Bud Norris (5-3, 4.65) vs. Madison Bumgarner (7-4, 3.26)

After winning his first four starts in May, Norris recorded a no-decision and two straight losses. He fanned a season-high 12 batters, but suffered the 4-3 loss on Wednesday against the Cardinals.

Bumgarner gave up a season high-tying four earned runs in six innings in his last outing, a 6-5 win against the Padres. His two starts last year against Houston are his only appearances against the Astros, and he went 1-1 with a 4.85 ERA.

Theriot hits .286 in 14 AB against Norris; Altuve and JD each have HRs on Bumgarner.

Wednesday, June 13, 7:15 PM PT, AT&T Park

J.A. Happ (4-6, 4.54) vs. Matt Cain (7-2, 2.41)

Happ lasted a season-low 4 2/3 innings in a 14-2 loss on Thursday to the Cardinals. He had four straight quality starts leading into the game, but has lost his last three decisions.

Cain has been credited with a win in six straight starts, and the Giants haven’t lost a game that Cain has pitched since May 1. His 2.41 ERA is the best in the Majors out of pitchers with at least 80 innings pitched.

Thursday, June 14, 12:45 PM PT, AT&T Park

Wandy Rodriguez (5-4, 3.27) vs. Barry Zito, (5-3, 3.24)

Rodriguez has allowed at least nine hits while throwing fewer than six innings in each of his last three starts. He stranded most of those runners Friday in an 8-3 win over the White Sox.

After back-to-back quality starts, Zito gave up four earned runs in six innings to a hard-hitting Rangers club his last time out in a 4-0 loss. He is 4-1 with a 2.43 ERA during day games this season, as opposed to 1-2 with a 3.92 ERA at night.

***

That is a very, very intoxicating and appealing quality. I know now what it means, but at the time all I knew was that I wanted to be with Jenny every second I possibly could. Nothing else was as fun, like trying to hold on to a motorcycle that was unexpectedly fast, flying past whatever barriers you knew on the way to others you had no concept of.

Take the fire in your hands
And place it at her feet
Walk upon the mountain
Then you’ll sail across the sea
Her eyes are taken from the stars above

Her voice is five hearts breaking

She began to make excuses to come by my office and visit. I’d go by hers two or three times a day and that turned into sharing breakfasts, going for coffee, lunch, then the platonic ventures in the early evening, maybe to a record store or a happy hour. We’d drive each other to office functions. All the while this coal is stoking my treacherous furnace, blinding me with its light and heat.

We’d work on projects together and I’d try to chip into her, find out more about her. She’d let me in a little, tell me a few things probably calculated in her way that I found fascinating.

“Insanity runs in my family.”
“In high school I was always the girl who had the great pot.”
“My goth friends had a big party last night. I hadn’t done that in a while.”
“You haven’t gone to that bondage club? I used to go there a lot.”

Jenny was quite possibly the smartest person I’ve ever known. I’m not used to being in any kind of relationship with people who are that bright, always several steps ahead with contingencies always ready. I’m not an idiot, and I think of myself as hypersensitive when reading people, but Jenny could be completely opaque when she wanted to. Very Machiavellian and she loved to play. This was another very attractive quality, because I don’t get to play on this level very often. In some ways, we took on a Dangerous Liaisons quality with parries and counterattacks but we always spared each other, holding the blade to the throat, careful never to draw it across.

***

Injuries

SF –
Melky Cabrera, day to day with right hamstring tightness
Dan Runzler, 15 day DL with left lat strain
Freddy Sanchez, 15 day DL with sore back
Brian Wilson, out for season with TJS

Houston –
Abad, 15 day DL with right intercostal strain
Travis Buck, 15 day DL with achilles tendinitis
Escalona out for the season with ligament tear
Marwin Gonzalez due late June, heel bruise
Carlos Lee due mid June, hamstring strain
FeMart due mid June, concussion-like symptoms
Jordan Schafer, day to day with pinkeye
Kyle Weiland, possibly after All Star break with right shoulder infection

***

You can’t dance this close without touching, certainly not for the length of the song we danced to. We were all but inseparable at work and most evenings we found reasons to spend more time together. Any excuse I could create would lead to quick meetings that rumpled and pulled at the veil of innocence.

Louise, she’s all right, she’s just near
She’s delicate and seems like the mirror
But she just makes it all too concise and too clear
That Johanna’s not here
The ghost of ’lectricity howls in the bones of her face
Where these visions of Johanna have now taken my place

This went on for months, this dance, this veil that became so thin it was nearly transparent yet the spider’s threads still formed a lace that we wouldn’t remove.

“Hey. Whatcha doing?”
“Not much. Waiting for you to call.”
“Oh? You just wait for me to call?”
“Yep. You know I’m wrapped around your finger.”
“Yes. That’s how I like my men.”

“Did you miss me?”
“Every single second of every single day.”
“I like that.”

“A friend? Is that all I am to you?”
“Of course not. You don’t want me to tell you what you already know. You don’t want me to say it.”
“I might. I might not.”

I was consumed with the fire. I know now what her gift means, but at the time all I could see was her face, her flawless skin pure and white like pressed luck.

Soft white hand placed on top of mine. Warm, soft, like the breath of an angel. Drawn away with a gentle caress of her thumb, then a fingernail trace across my arm. Almond eyes twinkling as she spun away from my desk, my world spinning as though I were swirling down a drain.

“You want to come over after work?”
“Yes.”

She opened the door, still wearing her work clothes. After pouring me a glass of wine she showed me her place and left me in the living room while she went to change. She came back barefoot, with a flowing mid-length skirt and blousy top, lighting a one-hit pipe. My brain was screaming, the thunder of my pulse making it hard to hear, hard to think. I looked at her feet, her ankles, commented on her skirt while I fought inside, trying to decide when I was going to kiss her despite all the things that could go wrong.

I followed her around her house as she showed me more. Her cats. Books. CDs. Her computer, which needed to be cleaned of malware. My head was pounding, Kodo Drummers thundering so hard and so fast there is no time for echo. I can feel the thick blood running through my temples.

She put the pipe down and bent to get a coaster for her glass. My hand traced her shoulder blade and I waited for her to straighten.

My phone rang.

Pick up in the Game Zone.

Astros Win A Series On The Road!

Posted on June 11, 2012 by Ron Brand in Featured, Game Recaps

Astros 11, White Sox 9

W: Harrell (6-4)
L: Humber (2-4)

They say that memory is like a train, it gets smaller as it pulls away. Philip Humber knows this, as the focus of his perfect game fades into a neverending funhouse mirror where neat lines and straight edges used to be.

The AL Central-leading White Sox were the weeping clown for today’s Astros as the Good Guys took the series for their first one on the road this year. The rain of tears was led by four Astro home runs, one each from JD Martinez, Maxwell, Wallace and Altuve.

Maxwell’s 461-foot-shot to the second deck towering over left field represented the sixth earned run Humber surrendered, and called for the hook. Relief was elusive and tempestuous though, while the backslaps and high fives among the visitors grew into wails of south side despair.

On a day where the bullpen was missing components they’d almost certainly need, Harrell went into the seventh inning against his former team and worked hard to save the day. The back end of the bullpen was just strong enough to hold off the final charge from the Sox – Lopez gave up one run and Rodriguez three more before Myers shut it down while picking up his 15th save.

They’ll get a much-needed day off Monday before taking on the Giants for a three-game set, to be followed by another interleague craptacular in Arlington. Once they get far enough away, they’ll be on their way back home.

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