The 27-36 Astros (5th in NL Central, 4th in AL West) take on the 37-27 Texas Rangers (1st in AL West).
The Best Thing that Comes out of Dallas is I-45
Dallas is a shitty town. You don’t need me to tell you this, but it bears repeating. Some interesting facts:
- Dallas is a shit-filled paper sack, set aflame on Houston’s doorstep.
- If I had to live in Dallas, I’d live in Ft. Worth, and that place literally smells like shit.
- Dallas built a baseball stadium an hour outside of town with no roof.
- Dallas built a football stadium an hour outside of town with most of a roof.
- The Rangers have been playing in Dallas since 1972 and still have no rivals.
- The Dallas skyline’s most notable skyscraper is outlined in fucking neon green.
- Dallas would serve fried Ewok on the forest moon of Endor.
- The only difference between a bucket of shit and Dallas is the bucket.
- I’m going to Dallas Saturday for a wedding reception. The bride and groom live there, and since the most logical place in which to exchange their vows was Dallas, they went to Thailand.
- Houston shot JR, because he was from Dallas.
- My parents lived in Dallas for a year after they got married. Their apartment got robbed twice – the first time they stole my dad’s nickel-plated Winchester shotgun. The second time they stole the ammunition. They’ve been in Houston since.
- When people say they live in Dallas, they actually live in Plano or Rockwall or Sherman, because Dallas is shitty.
- Chili’s started in Dallas.
- If Houston is the armpit of Texas, Dallas is the choad.
- Dallas has a higher crime rate than Houston, LA and New York.
- Nick Jonas, Meat Loaf, and Vanilla Ice all hail from Dallas and accurately depict the collective musical tastes of its residents.
- Bud Selig listens to Nolan Ryan.
See? I wasn’t just expressing an opinion here – those are FACTS. You can’t argue with facts.
Friday, June 15
Lyles (1-2, 5.40) vs Yu Darvish (7-4, 3.72)
Saturday, June 16
Harrell (6-4, 4.83) vs Justin Grimm (0-0, 0.00)
Sunday, June 17
TBD vs Colby Lewis (5-5, 3.13)
Injuries
Astros
Abad, Buck, Escalona, Marwin, FeMart, Weiland are all out for the series.
Carlos and Norris (though not scheduled to pitch) might be back.
Rangers
Neftali Feliz – Drank Dallas tap water, on life support.
Derek Holland – Ate at a Dallas restaurant, critical condition.
Alexi Ogando – Misplaced the s in his first name.
Koji Uehara – Unpronouncable illness.
Promotions
Friday – First 30,000 fans get a Rangers Yearbook. Rangers players will sign every autograph, “Keep in Touch!”
Saturday – First 30,000 fans get a “Sweet Baby Ray’s Nolan Ryan Retro T-Shirt” because Dallas is fucking shitty.
Sunday – First 25,000 fans get a Coca-Cola Father’s Day BBQ Apron, designed by Ed Hardy. XS and S sizes available.
What to Watch For:
Shitty fans.
Shitty weather.
Muggings.
Follow the action in the GZ!
Sorry for the abbreviated Preview.