OrangeWhoopass
  • Home
  • About
  • Forums
  • News
    • Game Recaps
    • Series Previews
    • News You Can Use
    • SNS
      • SnS TWIB
    • TRWD
  • Editorials
    • Columnistas
    • Crunch Time
    • Dark Matter
    • From Left Field
      • Bleacher Rap
      • Brushback
    • From The Dugout
    • Glad You Asked
    • Limey Time
    • Pine Tar Rag
    • Zipper Flap
      • Off Day
  • Minor Leagues
    • Minor Leagues
    • Bus Ride
    • Bus Ride Archive
    • From the Bus Stop
  • Other Originals
    • Original
    • Funk & Wagner
    • Hall of Fame
    • Headhunter
    • Monthly Awards
    • Road Trip
    • Separated At Birth
      • The Berkman Annex
  • Misc
    • Featured
    • Media
    • Uncategorized
  • Home
  • Featured (Page 38)

Bitch, Bitch, Bitch

Posted on September 7, 2013 by Ron Brand in Featured, Game Recaps

White Elephants 7, Astros 5

contributed by NeilT

We are such pikers. Bitch, bitch, bitch about a couple or three losing seasons, and it ain’t even in it. Now the As, there’s some losing.

Connie Mack (1862-1956) came to the A’s in 1901, the year the American League was formed. He had spent three years, 1894-1896, as a player-manager for the Pittsburgh Pirates, which were in the old National League—you may recall the National League—with a combined win/loss record of 149-134, for a .529 winning percentage. There’s nothing wrong with that, nothing at all. He then managed the Milwaukee Brewers, which as you know are a minor league team.

For his first seven years as a manager, Mack won 571 games and lost only 425, for a combined winning percentage of .571. His teams won the AL pennant twice, in 1902 (83-53, .610) and 1905 (92-56, .622). Over 162 games, a .622 winning percentage is 100 wins. In that year, 1905, the A’s met the Giants in the second World Serious. The first was 1903, but John McGraw refused to participate in 1904, so none was held. The Giants won the series, 4-1, and Christy Mathewson pitched and won three games. If the series had been seven games, Mathewson would probably have won four. All three games were complete game shutouts.

Of John McGraw, Mack later said “There has been only one manager, and his name is John McGraw.” Of Connie Mack, John McGraw had said in 1902 that Mack had a real white elephant on his hands.

In 1908, Mack had his first losing season, 68-85, .444. In 1909, the A’s had a 95-58 record, but it was only good enough for second to Detroit. Washington went 41-111 that year, which over 162 games would have been 45 wins, 117 losses. I feel for them.

That was ok though. In 1910, 1911, and 1913, the Elephants won the World Series, once against the Cubs and twice against the Giants. From that team, Frank Baker, Chief Bender, Eddie Collins, Herb Pennock, and Eddie Plank are in the Hall. And Mack, of course. They won the AL pennant in 1914, but lost the Series to the Boston Braves, who came from last place in late July to win the NL pennant. There’s something to be said for momentum.

In 1915, things happened. Connie Mack apparently was not a particularly good businessman. Is there a word for anti-prescient? Here’s Mack’s take on ticket prices: “The game has kept faith with the public, maintaining its old admission price for nearly thirty years while other forms of entertainment have doubled and tripled in price. And it will probably never change.”

Ticket prices were apparently not raised, and his television revenue was small, so in 1915 Mack sold off his players to make ends meet. From 1915 to 1924 the Athletics had losing seasons, for a total win-loss record of 528-961. Over a period of 10 years, that’s a win-loss percentage of .354. Did I mention that managers can no longer have an ownership interest in teams? Do you think the fans were pissed? Do you think there were any fans?

How low can you go? In 1916, the White Elephants won 36, lost 117. That’s a winning percentage of .235. They sucked.

In 1925, things turned around, and Mack put together one of the great baseball dynasties. There were old players, Ty Cobb, Zack Wheat, and Eddie Collins, and young players, Mickey Cochrane, Lefty Grove, Al Simmons, and Jimmie Foxx. Mack’s A’s won the AL pennant for three straight years, 1929, 1930, and 1931, and the World Series in 1929 (Cubs) and 1930 (Cardinals). They lost the Series to the Cardinals in 1931. You may recall the Cardinals. They still play in the National League.

In 1933, having failed to raise ticket prices and in the midst of the Great Depression, Mack sold his players off again. He would manage the A’s for 17 more years, from 1933 to 1950, and during that period he would see three .500+ seasons, 1947-1949. Barely 500+. Overall during that period he would lose 1,489 games and win 986. That’s a winning percentage of .398. Seventeen years.

Mack managed the A’s for 50 years. He holds the record for most games lost, 3,814. He also holds the record for most games won, 3,731. By the end, most things had apparently passed Mack by. From Wikipedia: “as he entered his 80s, his mental state became increasingly questionable. Mack would make strange decisions (which his coaches and players usually overruled) and call out for players from decades earlier to pinch-hit. He spent most games asleep in the dugout, leaving his coaches to run the team most of the time.” He was calling up pinch hitters from teams 20 years gone, like ghosts in the dugout.

One final Mack quote, when he retired: “I’m not quitting because I’m getting old, I’m quitting because I think people want me to.”

Meanwhile Astros lost last night, putting the A’s first in their division. Wait, our division. I keep forgetting. Keuchel gave up 5 runs in 3 1/3 innings, with 10 hits and 2 walks. Keuchel thought he was getting squeezed. Humber went 3 2/3 and gave up two more runs. Lo pitched a scoreless hitless 8th.

The ‘Stros bats were active. Villar went 3 for 5 with one double. Altuve, Crow, and Wallace all had two hits.

The good guys are now 47-94. From 1901 to 1950, the A’s had less than 47 wins three times, so hey, it’s not so bad.

Not Your NBC Peacock starring on Late Night TV!!!

Posted on September 6, 2013 by Ron Brand in Featured, Game Recaps

Astros 3 Athletics 2

contributed by Mr. Happy

Brad Peacock clearly pitched his finest game of the year, pitching into the eighth frame for the first time in his big league career. Peacock outdueled a tough Sonny Gray 3-2 at the Shittyseum before a lackluster crowd of only 11,569 on an absolutely perfect night for baseball in the Bay Area. The young Astros starter surrendered five hits and two earnies in his seven-plus innings of work, fanning nine and walking but one. He had a very sharp breaking yellow hammer tonight and worked ahead in the count most of the night.

The Good Guys scored all of their runs in the first two frames. The Astros got a gift run that turned out to be important when Athletics OF Yoenis Cespedes failed to cleanly field a ball in LF, allowing Pagnozzi, who had singled, to score all the way from 1B. That’s some error, allowing a dump truck moving catcher to score from the first sack!

Bo Porter was run for vigorously protesting a safe call at the plate that scored an A’s run. I can’t figure Porter out: at times when I’d be out there defending my team, he’s sitting on his hands in the dugout, and then there are bang-bang plays like this when he decides to bitch enough to get run. Go figure. I’m unsure about Porter as a manager, but I’m not willing to give up on him yet. Like his players, Porter is the youngest skipper in MLB.

FIELDS!!! was spectacular in a four out perfect save, his third of the season. All in all, it was an excellent effort as the club improves to 47-93. Tonight, portsider Dallas Keuchel faces off against A.J. Griffin, who’s a pretty tough hombre, at the crappiest yard in the show at 10:05 EDT.

The NFL kicked off tonight with the Super Bowl champeens getting throttled by Denver 49-27. I didn’t watch as I wasn’t interested. I’m not yet ready for football, but, alas, it’s here and not going away. LSU is at home entertaining UAB. Our Toledo Rockets play their second consecutive SEC road game this weekend, travelling to Mizzou. Florida didn’t embarrass Toledo in their 24-6 win over the Rockets.

That Was Cool, What Barnes Did

Posted on September 4, 2013 by Ron Brand in Featured, Game Recaps

Twins 9, Astros 6

W: Thielbar (3-2)
L: Chapman (0-1)

Contributed by Reuben

Let’s just appreciate how awesome it was that Brandon Barnes hit a game-tying, 3-run homer with 2 outs, on an 0-2 count in the bottom of the 9th. That just doesn’t happen very often, yet it will get very much overlooked and soon forgotten because the Astros ultimately lost the game. In fact, Barnes had a fantastic night overall, going 3-for-4 with a walk and 5 RBI. For the year, he’s hitting about .300 vs. lefty pitchers, and heading into this game had a very nice .362 OBP and .435 SLG% against them. Barnes probably does not have a future as a full-time player, but that’s a very valuable 4th outfielder right there, particularly when you factor in his superb CF defense.

The rest of the story of this game was basically this: the Astros made several mistakes, and the no-name Twins hitters were really annoying and kept getting hits in key situations.

Villar was thrown out in a silly attempt at stretching a single into a double. Like Biggio’s 3,000th hit silly. In this case, the Astros were down 4-1, which made it bad baseball. Porter removed Villar from the game immediately.

Cosart walked too many guys, and got behind the ones he didn’t walk, allowing 2 homers and 4 runs in just 4 innings. Altuve twice grounded into double plays on 0-0 counts. Marwin got caught in a rundown with the tying run on 3rd and 2 outs.

Astonishingly enough, Lucas Harrell tossed 3 scoreless innings in relief of Cosart, despite giving up 4 hits and 2 walks.

The Astros pulled within 1 in the 7th, but unfortunately Porter chose the flappable Jorge De Leon to pitch the 8th, and he gave those 2 runs right back. After Barnes’ homer, Josh Zeid remained in the game and provided 3 very solid scoreless innings himself, notably with a simplified stretch setup. Let’s hope this is the beginning of a turnaround for him.

Finally, in the 12th, Kevin Chapman’s luck ran out, and so did the Astros’.

About the author: The author has not had running water at his house for over two days now. Please send good water vibes his way, so that the plumber coming in the morning can figure out what the hell is wrong with his well or pump, and that it won’t cost thousands of dollars to fix. The author is poor and he badly needs a shower.

Twins @ Astros Series Preview

Posted on September 2, 2013 by Ebby Calvin in Featured, Series Previews

Oh Henry, have you got something to tell me?

‘Cause everybody’s been sayin’

You been runnin’ around

Oh Henry, I know you wouldn’t hurt me

Don’t you know that we don’t need

One more grave in this town

***

 The Pine Tree Market sits in the middle of town along Chilnualna Road, four aisles of groceries hidden beneath a canopy of pine needles.  It is quite literally the only place in town, so you’re stuck with whatever lines its shelves.  The essentials are stocked daily – milk, beer and two racks of candy – but if you have a specific recipe in mind you might end up plating a chicken caesar salad on a full bed of parsley.   It’s a tiny shop with random groceries at the end of a long distribution line, but it’s been there forever and the locals love it.

The tradition in my family is that the first person who wakes up walks down to grab a Fresno Bee or USA Today (the national equivalent of the Bee).  It’s a great tradition when you’re a teenager who sleeps until 11am, but you end up making a lot of early morning walks when you have a 2-year-old who’s adjusted to a different time zone.

Tuesday marked my third morning in a row, and Gene met me at the front door of the market with a cup of coffee and a Twizzler for my daughter.  We talked a bit about water levels and the Rim Fire, and he made fun of my Astros hat yet again.  Just another early morning in the trees.

I heard a clack-CLACK on the wooden railing outside, followed with a sharp aahk-aahk-aahk.  I caught Eleanor as she darted to the front of the store, just in time to see a slender silhouette pop up and down in the window shade.

“Ah, that must be Henry,” Gene said as he checked his watch.  He grabbed a pair of tall-boy Keystone Lights on his way to the door and flung it open to greet an old friend.

Henry, while not human, weighed every bit as much as my daughter and seemed to talk more.  He hopped on the railing and tossed a pair of pull-tabs in a recycle bin nearby.  Gene made some chirping sounds and stood the beers on either side of the beast before turning back in to grab a ringing phone.

At the time, it was the closest I’d ever been to a living raven.  I clutched Eleanor out of instinct but stood frozen in place.  Henry was huge – nearly twice the size of a chicken – and as beautiful as he was frightening.  The damn bird seemed to look me right in the eyes, as if gauging my character in a primal way.  Then he hopped up, carefully clutched the beers and took off.

***

Monday, Labor Day, 1pm MMPUS

(Andrew) Albers vs (Paul) Clemens

Tuesday, 7pm MMPUS

TBD vs Cosart

Wednesday, 1pm MMPUS

Hendriks vs Lyles

***

Twizzlers from a package just aren’t the same as the licorice you find in the big glass jars.  I never really enjoyed the candy all that much, maybe because the ones from the tub seem stale yet somehow better, but I gripped several of them in my right hand as I rode my father’s shoulders, straight from the Pine Tree Market.  We walked a short distance along the highway towards a group of Park Rangers, several of them puffing at cigarettes.  They casually hung around a gigantic white septic tank and seemed to be congratulating each other as they awaited further instructions.

As we drew closer, the giant tank shook violently on its trailer and bellowed out in anger.  Everybody ducked in fear, including my dad and me atop his frame, and time stood still.  The roar trailed off to a whimper, and only the four-year-old in the group had the balls to call back gleefully, “BEAR!!!”

So, not a septic tank: a cage.  A big fucking cage with wheels and a single grated air-hole on each side.  A Sharpie above the window on the port side named its occupant “Snaggletooth,” and ol’ Snaggle seemed to be pissed right the fuck off.

We smiled at the Rangers as they clumsily flicked their lighters.  My father and I share a brain, so he talked his way to the side of the cage and hoisted me up to peek in the window – he knew I wouldn’t leave without a look inside.

Snaggletooth shook as he stood, his thick brown coat moving independently from the massive body that twitched underneath.  If I hadn’t known better, I would have guessed Woolly Mammoth.  He wrestled with his restraints and bit at his paws.  Then the four-year-old caught his attention.

“Tickle, tickle, tickle,” I cooed as I made the Universal Tickle Hand Signal.

He snorted and looked up.  Bloodshot eyes caught mine and he bore his teeth in recognition.  He was every bit the bear I knew from my picture books, but like nothing I’ve seen since.  The entire left side of his face drooped dramatically as dozens of shotgun slugs weighed it down.  His fur was caked red and pocked with a pale pink that was either skin or flesh.  Snaggletooth sneered and rushed the window.

My father pulled me back as he charged but the beast came up short of the window and didn’t roar.  I lurched forward and quickly stuffed three licorice sticks in the air-hole.  Snaggletooth sniffed the air, inspected the sugary snacks, looked back at me and swallowed them in one bite.

I mashed my face against the grate and called out again.  “Tickle, tickle, tickle!”

Snaggletooth looked back, his enormous head hovering six inches from mine, and sneezed, covering my face with blood, fur and snot.

The Park Rangers chortled in relief.  “He’s saying thank you.”

***

Injuries

 Twins

Oswaldo Arcia – heads

Samuel Deduno – shoulders

Joe Mauer – knees

Wilkin Ramirez – toes

Astros

Corporan – concussion

Gonzalez – right shoulder

JD Martinez – left wrist

Stassi – concussion

White – blah

***

The beer wasn’t for Henry, obviously.

Henry was a servant, sort of.  Like a carrier pigeon, but, you know, not at all.  The story goes that Henry’s owner was originally given Parakeets for companionship – an idiotic idea in a place like Yosemite – and that Henry dutifully killed off three of them before Operation Parakeet Happiness was fully dismantled.  But Henry hung around (possibly hoping for more parakeets) and developed a relationship with the old man.

The old man, The Hermit Templeton, never set foot outside his house and never allowed visitors.  Nobody knew all that much about him, which, in a small community, meant that everybody knew something about him.  Henry became Mr. Templeton’s lone connection to the outside world and after five years the locals quit bothering and accepted the arrangement.  That was ten years ago.

I grabbed a tall-boy of Keystone Light as I left the market and walked back to my cabin.

***

Promotions

Mon thru Weds – Jack Shit Sponsored by CraneCo.

***

Naptime is a wondrous thing, especially when on vacation, so I took advantage of my two free hours and walked down Chilnualna Road.  I was told to look for the most impeccably manicured cabin on the road – first one on the right after the Billy Goat Bridge.  I found it after 20 minutes and slowed my steps, Keystone Light stretched out in front of me in plain view.  The constant hum of heavy machinery drowned out the gurgle of the Merced River as a deep, regular wheezing came to the forefront.

Aahk, aahk, aahk called from above.

“Um, hi, Henry, I brought some beer?” I asked stupidly as I looked up to the front porch eave.

“And what the fuck is he supposed to do with that?” an old man’s voice shot from behind the house.

“Mr. Templeton?” I shouted back.

“Why are you here?  What the fuck do you want?”

“Well sir, I met Henry this morning at the market and was quite impressed with him.  I thought maybe he’d grab three beers if he could carry them, and, well, here I am.  I have the third beer.”  I’d rehearsed that.

“My worthless asshole of a nephew left an hour ago for Oakhurst.  You brought me a beer I can’t open or drink.”

A long pause, then

“Fuck it, come around back,” he called.  “I think I see a straw.”

Henry dropped to my level and led me around the right side of the house.  A brown wooden deck wrapped from front to back, well-swept and newly-stained.  No furniture littered the planks; a patio with no seats and no discernible appeal other than its view, as the massive pines thinned out near the bank of the Merced.

My gaze followed the railing to the back door and fell upon Mr. Templeton, propped upright, encased in a gigantic steel tube.  The contraption stood five feet tall and gleamed in the sunlight.  Thick, clear plastic holes dotted each side with latches that surely allowed access to the body inside.  Dials whirred and knobs turned haphazardly as it wheezed its occupant alive.  Emerson Iron Lung read the brand-plate.

Heavy rubber wheels had been crudely welded to the backside near the bottom and two handles protruded the top.  A seventy-year-old head poked out the top, greasy white hair tucked behind the ears, long whiskers concealing most of the face.  It turned toward me.

“There’s a straw on the deck next to this fucking coffin.  Henry will help you.  Then get the fuck out.”

I inched toward Mr. Templeton, beer held high.

Henry snatched a green bendy straw from an empty beer can and flew towards me.  Then in one swift motion he pecked a hole in the top of the can and landed on my arm.   I inserted the straw, placed the fresh beer on the top ledge of the iron lung and looked Old Man Templeton in the eyes.

Then I got the fuck out.

Aahk, aahk, aahk followed me.

“He’s saying thank you,” Mr. Templeton yelled.

***

Finally

This is my last scheduled Series Preview for the year, and I’d like to say thanks to those of you who read and enjoyed them.  I’d like to say that, if invited back next year, I’ll write more about actual baseball.  But I won’t.

Welcome, Void.

Why Can’t They Do This All The Time?

Posted on September 2, 2013 by Ron Brand in Featured, Game Recaps

Astros 2, Mariners 0

W: Oberholtzer (4-1)
L: Furbush (2-5)

In an unexpected turn of events Sunday at MMPUS, Warren Spahn was resurrected and snuck onto the mound to stymie the befuddled Mariners. Wearing Brett Oberholtzer’s uni, the Hall of Famer attacked the strike zone early and displayed great command, especially for a pitcher ten years in the grave.

“I’ll never forgive them for WWII,” Spahn said of Hisashi Iwakuma, who held the Astros scoreless through seven. “I’d have beaned the little bastard, but they don’t let the pitchers hit in this sissy league.”

Warren Spahn commented after the game

Warren Spahn commented after the game

Furbush came in to the deadlocked tilt and quickly surrendered back-to-back doubles to Altuve and Castro, all the runs Houston would need to secure the win. Barnes followed with the rare double squeeze play, fouling off the first attempt and succeeding on the second to drive in Castro.

“Their guy was really good today,” Seattle manager Eric Wedge said. “He looked really old and frail, not much more than bones and a uniform but he was a strike thrower, he had good stuff, used all of his pitches. I felt like he could throw anything at any time. I was impressed.”

“With his fastball at 90 mph, it’s not the typical 90,” said Mariners second baseman Nick Franklin. “It’s a little sneaky, with all that boney clacking going on to distract you.”

Clemens will be suiting up for today’s holiday opener against the Twinkies. Not yet dead, the Rajah should provide a good test for the fellow cellar-dwellers. Follow along in the Game Zone.

Yet Another Loss…44-91

Posted on September 1, 2013 by Ron Brand in Featured, Game Recaps

Seafarers 3 Astros 1

contributed by Mr. Happy

I have to admit that I didn’t watch this whole game, but I did hang in there long enough to see all four runs score before switching over to ESPN for the LSU-TCU game. Keuchel was victimized in the first frame by a very tight strike zone, three seeing-eye singles and an atrocious throw by Marwin Gonzalez on a ball that should have been an inning ending twin killing. Unbelievably, that throw was not called an error, as the official scorer obviously was watching something else at the time. All three of the Mariners’ runs scored in that frame.

The Astros had lots of traffic off of classic soft-tossing Joe Saunders but were zippo-for-eight with RISP. The Home Nine plated their only run in the fourth inning, ironically on an errant catch of an attempted caught stealing that scored Brandon Barnes from 3B. Keuchel shut the hated fucking Mariners down on one hit over his final six frames, but our bats were moribund after the fourth inning.

The Mariners’ bully shut the Astros down on two hits in its 3.2 innings of work. Since the ball game was not on the line, Erik Bedard tossed two scoreless innings in relief of Keuchel.

College football started in earnest this weekend, and I have to admit that I wasn’t ready for it. LSU overcame some errors to dominate a scrappy and opportunistic TCU Hornfrogs ball club. Most teams had a traditional hope opening spanking of a patsy in town for a big payday, but not my Tigers, who travelled to Jerry World to play its opener.

We had our SNS fantasy football draft this week too, and I caught shit for drafting Colin Kapernick with my first pick. I also got Drew Brees in the second round just in case Kapernick was just a flash in the pan. However, if I am right about him, he’ll big a big double scoring threat and could be a real sleeper. We could only find eight guys to play this season; I guess that everyone else has busy lives this year.

It was really gratifying to read OSF’s personal account of his struggles with depression and to see that others here on SnS were helpful to him as he got back on his feet. He seems to be doing great, and I’m really glad about that. It takes a brave soul to step up and expose a part of himself like he did. However, what I know and what he probably knows too is that we are not alone and that there are others here who may be suffering too.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder back in 2005, which probably explains a lifetime of erratic behavior and drug use, as bipolar patients are far more likely to try to self-medicate. Heavily medicated for your protection as I am wont to say, I am one of the lucky ones whose medicines work and keep me feeling “normal,” or how I perceive normal to be since I’m not really sure about what feeling normal actually is, since I’ve never been normal.

When I would go into a depression, it was like I was walking in quicksand; everything, and I mean everything, was a struggle. Little things would go undone as I simply lacked the will or ability to do them. For a while, the big things still got done, but in the end, those things got put off too by the darkness, and that’s when the Louisiana Supreme Court saw fit to suspend me from the bar, which actually saved my life.

Depression sucks. However, I don’t know what’s worse: depression or a manic episode, of which I had plenty. That explained my racing thoughts, uncontrolled chasing after highs, fits of rage and acting out on the road, at work and in ball parks and gymnasiums. I used to explain it by saying that I was “high strung.” Yeah, right. It also explained my penchant for spending money that I didn’t have at the time—have credit card-will travel. In a manic phase, I remember feeling a burning sensation in my chest as the anger roared to the surface and simply seemed to just took over. Finally, once properly medicated and coming to the realization that anger, like every other emotion, is a choice, my anger problems disappeared overnight and haven’t returned.

My tether to a normal existence is fragile and tenuous and depends upon my medications, so I take them religiously. Many bipolar patients stop taking them when they start feeling normal, but this is a huge mistake. When I volunteer with fellow bipolar patients who aren’t as fortunate as I’ve been to get my meds right, I always tell them that they’re feeling good because of the medications. Sometimes they believe me; sometimes they don’t.

«‹3637383940›»

Meta

  • Log in
  • Entries feed
  • Comments feed
  • WordPress.org

Copyright © 2002-2015 OrangeWhoopass.com