Rangers use tremendous sucking power to sweep up the Astros.

contributed by Sphinx Drummond

Don’t hate Dallas because of the Rangers. There are plenty of other reasons to hate Dallas. Proximity doesn’t corrupt my hatred of the Rangers. The Rangers hatred is pure and deserves to stand on its own merit.

Hate the Rangers because they represent so much that is wrong with MLB. From being in total cahoots with the Bud Selig conspiracy to allow the Greenberg/Ryan group to purchase the Rangers at a far lower price than Jim Crane’s group was willing to pay, to having the most comprehensive accumulation of steroid cheats of all MLB teams.

Hate the Rangers because when the richer-than-he-is-smart Tom Hicks owned the club he made a bunch of stupid deals, but the worst of all was signing Alex Rodriguez to that ridiculous contract. He would later point to that contract as “one of his biggest regrets.” Ironically, after Hicks sold the Rangers, Alex Rodriguez was the largest unsecured creditor, owed nearly $25 million in deferred payments despite being traded six years earlier.

Hate the Rangers because emails presented in court show that after Hicks agreed to an exclusive negotiation period with Greenberg/Ryan, attorneys for HSG were still in discussion with another bidder, Jim Crane, about a sale price for the team. Hicks emailed the creditors on December 31, 2009 saying “Basically, the response from the MLB was to prohibit us from negotiating with anyone other than Greenberg. Their intent seems to be to lock us into Greenberg even though Crane now has a clearly superior economic deal — and may always have had based on Greenberg’s current position. We need help here. Unless the lenders weigh in, we are going to be stuck negotiating a deal that is clearly worse than Crane’s.”

There you have it. Jim Crane should be the rightful owner of the T Rangers. But he’s not, because Bud Selig didn’t want him. Bud didn’t want Crane to buy the Astros either but didn’t have the bankruptcy leverage or another viable buyer available.

What does this all add up to? Rangers win. Astros lose. But unlike Wednesday’s game, it wasn’t fair and square. Check out the game zone for real-time commentary on Wednesday’s game.

Thursday the Astros have an off day, I mean, a day off. Friday they play host to the Bluejays from Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Jordan Lyles takes the mound against Todd Redmond in a 7:10 CST start time.

Time: 3:22
Attendance: 38,699.
Weather: 92 degrees, Partly Cloudy.
Wind: 8 mph, In From Center.

Dallas 4, Houston 2

Contributed by Reuben

Facing their old ‘mate, Travis Blackley just a week or so after cutting him loose, the Astros got to him…a little bit…with a 2-run dinger by Matt Dominguez, his 17th of the year, in the 2nd inning. But it sure didn’t seem like enough against Blackley, who, frankly, sucked as a reliever for the Astros this year. Well, he sucked against batters who hit from the right side. The Astros had 8 such batters in their starting lineup Tuesday night but still managed only 3 hits and a walk off of Blackley in his 4 innings of work.

Jarred Cosart was good but not quite good enough, surrendering the first homer of his MLB career in the 6th inning, a 2-run shot to Adrian Beltre. The opposite-field shot flipped the game from a 2-1 Astro lead to a 3-2 Astro deficit and they did little to threaten that lead, managing only 3 singles off of 4 Ranger relievers spanning the final 5 innings while striking out 8 times.

“But, Recap Writer, How Did Your Day Go?”

My softball team played a double-header last night, beginning a best-of-three playoff series. We lost the first game in demoralizing fashion, 10-3. The second game, we were down 5-0 early, scored 4, went down 7-4, got a 3-run homer to tie it (homers are fairly rare in this league as its wooden bat, and high-arc-pitch), and then were down again 9-7 going into the 7th and final inning. Facing elimination, we reeled off a 7-run rally, begun with a clutch pop-fly double by your faithful recap writer. Final score 14-10, and we play the rubber match Wednesday night.

I also collided with a fellow outfielder while chasing a deep drive to center, so between that and all of the running I am rather sore today.

The doubleheader meant I missed the first half of the Astros game. Frankly I’m not sorry I missed seeing Blackley’s 4 innings of work, because he is quite possibly the slowest worker in the history of organized baseball. I do regret missing Dominguez’s bomb off him though. All in all though, I am sick of the goddam Rangers. Too much Rangers. Schedule-makers, please take note. Also, Neal Cotts. Where does this guy get the nerve to hang around baseball this long, still being a good reliever? I saw enough of this asshole in the ’05 World Series. Then he was with the goddam Cubs for a few years, wasn’t he? Go away, Cotts.

Diazepam

contributed by NeilT

I was leaving to surf the big waves at Trestles when my assistant, Ms. Leslie, called. I was going to ignore her, but I thought it might be a client. Rent was due, and money was tight. She was calling on her own phone because Ma Bell had cut of the office phone. I was lucky I didn’t pay Leslie.

“Yeah?”

“Brad,” man her voice was sexy, “you’ve got someone here in the office. It’s a guy named Luhnow. He says he wants to talk to you about Astrolina.”

I had heard of Luhnow, but hadn’t met him. Of course back in my day Biggio and Pam Gardner ran the team, now it’s this guy Luhnow. I knew exactly what he’d look like. All these young general managers look the same: hair combed, tie tight, pants creased, earnest. They all carry slide rules and IPads, and when I got to my office on the wrong side of Petco he didn’t disappoint. Me? I had put on a shirt, for once.

“Mr. Ausmus,” his handshake felt just the right degree of strong, like he practiced, “I know your history with Astrolina, and I . . . I mean the Organization . . . we need your help.” He paused, as if he were searching for the right words. “Mr. Ausmus . . . Brad, do you mind if I call you Brad?” Suddenly I did mind, but what the hell. I wanted to get this over and go surfing. “Astrolina is missing.”

It didn’t surprise me. Last time I’d seen Astrolina was June, when Angel brought muscle to town and left me and her cut up and bleeding down on the banks of the bayou. She lost and blamed me. I said to hell with it and came home to San Diego. It was summer, and there were waves.

But I had kept up with Astrolina. It had been a rough couple of months, with a lot more losses than wins. Let me say that again, a lot more losses. Starting pitching had been pretty good, there had been some hits, but the bullpen sucked and defense had been spotty. Those months were worse than rough, the worst I’d ever seen.

Now the Stros were going back to Anaheim, that damned Disney town, and they needed Astrolina. Luhnow told me that the ‘Stros had traded WW for cash considerations, just so he could afford my fee. I was going to be able to pay the rent.

I knew where to start, and I called Boss Rat, but Rat said he hadn’t seen Astrolina since that time in Houston. He said that Angel got paid the wins Astrolina owed her, and that as far as he was concerned, they were even. There was only one other place to look: the House Next to Limey’s.

It’s the place where you go when bottom has been hit and you’re still going, still spiraling down. It was a foul place with trash and weeds in the yard and where the paint has already peeled and now the Hardy Plank is rotting. The screen door was hanging on one hinge and the windows were broken by rocks. The door was ajar—who’d bother locking the House Next to Limey’s?—so I walked right in. The outside was bad, and the inside was worse. There was no electric and I pulled out a flashlight and my .45.

I found her in a back room on a rust-stained cotton-ticking mattress. There were no sheets on the bed, and it looked like a dust mite Sandals. Astrolina was always a beautiful woman, but I had never seen her look so bad. At first I thought she was dead, but she was just out, out as far as she could go and still be breathing. There were bottles on the floor, Gatorade, Vitamin Water, Excel, all the hard stuff, even coconut water. And there were bottles of pills. I picked up a pill bottle. Diazepam. She was overdosed on anti-depressants.

A slapped her a bit to get her talking and then I made her walk, back and forth, back and forth, in that foul wreck of a tract house. She kept mumbling that I should leave her alone, that she only wanted to go back to sleep, that she wouldn’t go to Anaheim, but I finally got her to the nearest Starbucks for a triple espresso and then got her on a plane at Hobby. I called Luhnow and he said he’d be there to meet the plane at Ontario.

***
It turned out all right, the third win in a week, which hadn’t happened since mid-June. It was the fifth straight Astros win in Anaheim, but of course there had been that June sweep by Angel back home in Houston. Peacock pitched into the seventh, giving up an unearned run in the 5th after an Altuve throwing error, and another in the 7th after a Villar fielding error and some weird stuff with Dominguez that I can’t figure out. Zeid replaced Peacock in the 7th and faced one batter for a Dominguez-Altuve-Wallace double play.

Chapman came in for one out in the 8th, and Lo shut it down in the 9th. The bullpen held.

There was some ugly offense, but what do you expect? In the 3rd, Villar walked and reached third on a throwing error. Then Grossman struck out. Then Wallace struck out. Then Altuve grounded out. A runner at 3rd with no outs, and no runs score. You could probably feel the despair in the Game Zone.

But with 8 runs, there was also some good stuff. Hoes led off the 5th with a double, then moved to 3rd on a Villar single, and scored on a Grossman single. Wallace grounded out, but moved Grossman to 2nd, and the bases loaded when Altuve walked. Castro walked scoring Villar, and Grossman scored on a Carter sac fly after Angels starting pitcher, Jerome Williams, was run.

Carter had a great night. He scored Wallace in the 7th on a single. And in the 9th hit a 3-run homer, that’s number 23, to score Altuve and Castro. That’s how it’s supposed to work in the American League, right? Dominguez followed back-to-back with his 15th homer.

This could have been a Wednesday. Shoot, this could have been Christmas.

Astros whip A’s in extra innings

contributed by Sphinx Drummond

For the first time in months the Astros have won two games in a row. And, since they’re currently involved in a 3 game series with the A’s, they have won a series for the first time in a long time. To push the Astros to victory, it took 11 innings, some good pitching, outstanding defense, and finally, timely hitting. Just like a real team.

Robbie Grossman pretty much saved the game, unfortunately outfielders don’t get save stats. But save Harrell’s ass he did. He robbed Chris Young of what would have been the game winning walk-off homer in the bottom of the 10th with an outstanding grab at the RF wall. Chris Young couldn’t believe it.

In the seventh inning Chris Carter got the scoring started with a solo homer, his 22nd and first against his former club, but at one for five for the game, his batting average still dipped. He’s hitting .211 currently.

The other C.C., Carlos Corporan was the big hero with his run scoring double off Sean Doolittle in the eleventh. Corporan, this year, is one of the best players on this team, I wonder what he could do playing first or outfield. He is clearly a better hitter than Carter or Wallace.

Jarred Cosart continues to impress, going six innings and allowing no runs, his ERA is currently 1.15. Phillip Humber, the second highest paid guy on the team, relieved in the 7th and allowed Oakland score a run to tie the game.

Josh Fields, the back-up closer, got his second save on the year, and Doolittle took the loss.

Thursday afternoon the Astros go for the improbable sweep in a west coast businessman’s special with Eric Bedard squaring off against Sonny Gray and a 2:35 CST start time.

Attendance – 18,278
Game Time – 3:32
Temperature – 66

Texas 9
Houston 5

contributed by NeilT

This is gonna be my last recap this year, ‘cause it’s the last time the Texas team plays the Houston team on a Friday night. That’s for the best, ‘cause I really need this time to work on my Presidential demeanor, but I got to tell you, I’m not as happy with the Texas team as I used to be. In fact, last time I was in Dallas they caused me a crisis in confidence, and that ain’t easy.

Now I happen to be in Houston for tonight’s game to encourage Houston business to move to Texas where our low taxes and balanced budget will let them do business the way God intended. Of course Anita pointed out to me that Houston was technically in Texas, but that can’t be true because they keep electing Democrats, and near-Democrats like Ed Emmett, and no business-friendly environment can elect Democrats.

But hearing that Houston was in Texas wasn’t what caused me consternation. Nossir. My crisis started last time I was in Dallas when this boy came up to bat and the crowd started booing. “Anita,” I ask Anita all the important questions, “why’s this Dallas crowd booing that boy? Is he a Democrat?”

“They’re not booing, numbskull, they’re yelling his name.” She’s always calling me little pet names like that: numbskull, crampbrain, sock-drawer . . . She’s been doing that since we were in junior high. It’s her little sign of affection.

“His name is Boo?”

“You hoof-head. Why I’m the damn blonde in this family I’ll never know. His name is Cruz, they’re yelling Cru-u-u-u-z.”

That was deeply disturbing. This boy Cruz has been giving me fits ever since Lite Governor Dewhickey failed to put him down back in 2012, and now he’s got presidential aspirations when everybody knows I’m the Texan with the presidential stuffing. He’s a loudmouth one-term senator of mixed parentage who wasn’t even born in Texas. Who would elect someone like that as President? I’m pretty sure he was born in Kenya, and I want to see his birth certificate.

Now I know the Texas team has a long tradition of Republican leadership, what with ’42 and my buddy Nolan, and that Cruz is a Republican. I know the Texas team used to be made up entirely of Senators, back when they were in Florida. But why they’re letting that upstart Cruz play gets me wound up tighter than a prom queen’s corset, so I called my bud Bud.

“Bud” says I, “I’m considering calling another special session to require that the governor appoint the designated hitter for baseball teams within my gubernatorial jurisdiction, but I figure that little blonde hussy will raise a ruckus,” which reminds me, I wonder who does her hair? That dye job is almost good as mine. Anyways, back to Bud, “so I was wondering if you’d just get rid of that fellow Cruz for me?” Of course Bud was glad to oblige, and he banned Cruz for 50 games, just ‘cause I asked. He’s still in the Senate though, and you can tell by listening to him that he’s still doin’ ‘roids.

***

‘Course in a recap I’m supposed to tell you something about the game, and since I was there I can share that Anita and I looked resplendent in our blue and red Texas jerseys, just like everybody else in the stadium. I was actually worried in the 8th and noted to Anita that the Houston team was still up 4-3. Bedard had pitched a pretty good game. That Communist Castro homered in the 2nd, Altuve scored some Hoes in the 4rth with a double, and then Castro scored Altuve with a double. Barnes homered in the 5th. Anita just looked at me with that look she gives me. “You Houston bullpen-brain,” I think that may be the worst thing she’s ever called me, and I’ve got to admit, it hurt my feelings a bit, “don’t you know we’re into the Houston bullpen?

And of course the Texas team batted around in the 8th and scored 4 runs. We got to see a whole lot of the Houston team’s bullpen, and it didn’t get much better in the 9th, with that new fellow, DeLeon.

All in all, it was satisfying for the Dallas crowd, and once again the Texas team won because of low taxes and a balanced budget. And I’m sure glad that Bud got rid of that Cruz loudmouth. He even gets on my nerves.

Boston scores go ahead runs in the 9th to beat the Astros 7-5.

contributed by Sphinx Drummond

Same old story, same old song and dance. And when we get to the end, we’re going to start all over again. Lather, rinse, repeat. Second verse same as the first. And we’re back where we started, here we go round again. It’s the never ending story.

Have you heard the one about the team that couldn’t hold lead in the late innings? It’s not a comedy but it involves a comedy of errors, so to speak. Anyway, that joke isn’t funny anymore. It might be, if it wasn’t the truth.

The Astros have a well-established template for losing. Get a lead, have your starter pitch well enough for the team to have a lead in the late innings, have one of the relief pitchers come in and blow the lead and the team loses the game. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Cosart didn’t have his best, walking 5 and serving up 7 hits over 5 innings but left with the game tied at two runs each. Wright, Zeid, Blackley, and Lo, all worked in relief and managed to not blow the lead in spite of Zeid’s yielding of 2 runs–thanks in part to the Astros scoring 3 runs in the bottom of the 6th inning. Houston led 5 to 4 going in to the top of the ninth. Houston’s bullpen has 18 blown saves this season but it was only Field’s first blown save.

The Astros are off Thursday. Their Wednesday record has fallen to a less impressive 11 wins and 7 losses. Which is still amazing within the context of the season. Friday the good guys welcome the Arlington Rangers to town. Dickweed Matt Garza faces the self limited Eric Bedard.

Wanted: For Impersonating Relief Pitchers – Jose Cisnero, Josh Fields, Rhiner Cruz, Wesley Wright, Hector Ambriz, Travis Blackley

Time: 3:53.
Attendance: 22,205.
Weather: INDOORS