Astros 1
Our Natural Rivals 7

contributed by NeilT

As Bench has pointed out, this is the series of the season, the series when Our Natural Rivals, the hated Mariners, are on home-ground for four games. There are so many names on the Mariners that I loathe: Miller, Franklin, Seager, Ibanez, Smoak . . . Smoak!!! I hate fucking Smoak!!!

Meanwhile, I am in Nantucket. You may not know Nantucket, but it is full of rich people, all of whom got rich in the limerick trade. It’s actually the limerick harvest season here, and as you drive around the island, you constantly see roadside stalls where limerick fishers are selling limericks fresh from the sea. I couldn’t afford any of the expensive limericks from the downtown shops, but in honor of the Mariners’ series, I stopped at a roadside stall and bought a half-dozen cheap limericks about the Astros. I was surprised they had any at all, but they were actually pretty well stocked. There was one about the ‘Stros general condition:

There once was a fan in Nantucket,
Whose team kept its wins in a bucket,
A girl name of Nan
Said just use a small pan
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

There was one about current events:

The Astros are richer than Croesus,
Says Forbes, and now no one believes us,
When we say they are poor
Perched on poverty’s door
‘Cause they spent all their money to please us.

Like I said, they weren’t the highest quality limericks. I did get this one about the Mariners, and I thought it was pretty good:

When the ‘Stros play Our Natural Rivals,
My gorge burns with vomity bile.
There’s nothing I hate
More than scurvy fishbait
And the gobs who define all that’s vile.

Unfortunately, it was not a good night for the ‘Stros.

There once was a pitcher named Brad,
Whose night was incredibly bad,
He gave up five runs
By the fifth he was done
For the Swabs he was there to be had.

But not every problem was starting pitching, there were problems hitting too. The Mariners pitched Taijuan Walker, who made his major league debut, and next year will be inducted into the Hall of Fame. Walker allowed two hits and one unearned run in five innings.

There once was an offense from Houston
Who would swing with the greatest of gusto.
With one walk and four clouts
The rest were all outs
When asked to sit down they would do so.

If there was a bright spot last night, it was the bullpen. Humber came in for the last out of the fifth, and pitched three more innings of two-hit, one-earned run innings. Zeid pitched the ninth, giving up one more earned run.

There once was a bullpen from Houston
From which Porter was pickin’ and choosin’.
Regardless of names
The relievers lost games
They were less good at winnin’ than losin’.

So I guess the good news was that they didn’t blow the save, but I liked that Humber went long innings.

The guy at the limerick stand was really nice. “Call me Ishmael,” he said. He felt pretty bad for me after last night’s game, and as I was leaving he threw one more limerick into the bag. “I know how it feels to float around in a coffin. And don’t worry,” he said, “this limerick isn’t finished.”

There once was a fan in Nantucket
Whose team’s win-loss record sure sucked it.
He longed for a win
But they lost once again
And the fan was left crying “well. . .”

Sorry. Like I said, these were cheap limericks, and this one wasn’t finished. I couldn’t come up with an end rhyme. I thought of a bunch: Muck it, truck it, duck it, luck it . . . None of them seemed to be quite the thing. If you’ve read this far, you probably know how to end it anyway.

Mariners 3 Astros 2

contributed by Mr. Happy

Ask me for the world
It doesn’t seem much
Ask me for the moon, dear
And I’ll reach out and touch

Anything for you, for you, dear, only
But please don’t ask me to be lonely

Finally, last night, I had all that I could take of Alan Ashby during the game, muted the television and turned on my iPod. The above song (“Please Don’t Ask Me to be Lonely”) by the Dubs, a wistful doo wop song, came on. I thought to myself “Happy, what’s the problem here?” I indeed was lonely.

And the problem was not that the Astros stink. They do. On ice. It’s not that the club was forced to move to the softball league, although that sucks too. Double FYB. The problem last night was that I was jonesing for a witty Jimmy D quip, and there was none to be had.

In my opinion, a lot of the angst and ennui that has been expressed here on SnS would have been assuaged by the chuckles that Deshaies brought to the booth each and every night. Such would have brought palliative aid and succor to the suffering throng of Astros fans. Of course, given that many of us can’t even watch the games, courtesy of a negotiations clusterfuck, it may have been worse to have still had Deshaies and simply not been able to watch him work.

This brings me to the real purpose of this piece, i.e., to report on last night’s ball game, which the hated, fucking, cock-sucking Seafarers won 3-2. Jordan Lyles still gets behind too many hitters and then magnifies that error by throwing something in the Happy Zone, which two Mariners’ hitters deposited in the seats for all of their runs. Lyles lasted six frames and didn’t have a bad line, fanning four and only issuing two free passes and four hits. The problem was that two of those hits left the yard.

There were some positive signs last night. Castro continues to show that he’s blossomed as a big league hitter. Brett Wallace hit another tater, his 12th, a pull shot, which I think that is a possible sign that he’s getting the hang of hitting inside pitches. I’ve always believed that Wallace should hit in the show. I think that he’s got a lot of good baseball left in him. I wouldn’t discount him in ST next year and assume that the club is simply going to hand the first sack job to Singleton. Finally, the beleaguered bully tossed three innings of shutout baseball, surrendering two hits and fanning four. Chapman continues to impress.

All in all, it wasn’t a poor effort by the Home Nine. However, it still wasn’t enough to beat those hated fucking Mariners. Sigh.

Winners score more often than losers

contributed by Sphinx Drummond

Chris Sale, along with nearly every other starting pitcher in MLB, has the Astros number. He didn’t pitch a shut out this time, but before a sparse Chi-Town crowd he did strike out 12 Astro hitters over the course of his eight innings of work. He allowed 4 hits, 1 run (a solo shot by Chris Carter-his 26th), while only walking 2 before giving way for ex-Astro Matt Lindstrom to finish the game.

Chris Carter got 2 of the 5 hits allowed by the White Sox, raising his average to .218, his OBP is .317. Matt Dominguez, who is hitting .240 has an OBP of .278. Jose Altuve is batting .269 with a .305 OBP. I have to commend Carter on his OBP, he may seem a feast or famine type of hitter but other than Castro, Villar, and Grossman, he is getting on base more often than everyone else on this team.

After a shaky start, Jarred Cosart pitched well again allowing only a single run in the first inning, but he had to settle for a no-decision. Cosart spread seven hits and five walks with 4 strikeouts over 113 pitches and six innings, gaining credit for a quality start. Over his 7 starts Cosart has a stellar ERA at 1.59.

After the Astros tied it up in the top of the 7th inning, Lucas Harrell came in to allow the White Sox to score the go-ahead runs and make sure the Astros weren’t victorious. Harrell took the loss and I believe leads the league in losses.

The Astros record is now 44 wins and 88 losses with 30 games to play, which puts them on a pace to finish at 54 wins with 108 losses. I’m too lazy to confirm but that is probably going to make the worst three year run in the modern baseball era. But of course this team will get better with time. Of course.

Wednesday’s record has fallen to 12 and 9, still good. The Astros return home Thursday to host the hideous Seattle Mariners in a 4 game series with Erasmo Ramirez (4-1, 5.44 ERA) facing off against Jordan Lyles (6-6, 5.15 ERA)

Attendance – 15,961
Game Time – 2:44
Temperature – 71

White Socks defeat Astros 4-3

Contributed by Reuben

Ah-ha! Looks like the tables have turned now, eh? Eh, Mr. Clemens? Earlier in this season there were probably at least a couple games where Eric Bedard pitched a solid, steady 6 innings and left with a lead, only to watch Clemens implode and lose it in the 7th or 8th. But this night, the roles were reversed.

According to Ford and Sparks, Clemens was impressive, sounded like he mixed in just enough breaking balls and changeups to keep the Pale Hose off-balance. Matty D had another couple big RBIs, Carter drove in an insurance run, Grossman kept hitting… Unfortunately Bedard was left on the mound to pitch to a couple of key righties with the game on the line, with predictable results. Hoes grounded out with the tying run on 2nd to end another disappointing come-from-ahead loss.

You’ll have to pardon me; I’m in a bit of a stupor right now. We’ve been visiting my in-laws for the past 5-6 days here in Orange County, CA and are now preparing to board the 2nd leg of our red-eye flight back to NY via Atlanta and Detroit. It was a nice trip but fairly exhausting, too, and the periodic bursts of sleep I got during the 4-hour flight to Atlanta didn’t quite suffice.

The good news is my softball team made the league finals, and after losing Game 1 while I was gone, Game 2 (of 3) was rained out in the 3rd inning, postponed til Wednesday night. So not only will I get to play, assuming I can stand up, but the 10-4 Them score in effect at the time will be reset to 0-0, top of the first. If I’m not mistaken, one more inning would’ve made the game official, so that was some extremely timely rain.

By the way, I wanted to make a joke about Clemens, pitching against the White Sox in Chicago, coming up with a mysterious hammy strain after getting ambushed, but I couldn’t think of a way to work it in. Ah, bittersweet ’05 memories.

Toronto 2, Houston 1

W: Buehrle (10-7)
L: Lo (0-2)

It was another game lost by the bullpen, but at least in this one the starting pitching went farther than usual. Keuchel went seven and only gave up four hits and three walks. Granted, it was to the movie-set facade of what we expected to be The Toronto Blue Jays this season, but none of us saw this coming from Keuchel. He has been better than the poor man’s Aaron Harang, coming out of nowhere to show command of multiple pitches around the fringes of the strike zone and is a worthy #5 guy.

Personal comfort is all he gets out of this one, because even though Fields was able to hold through the eighth, Lo came on and melted away in the ninth. A bloop single and three walks tied it up, and then Kevin Chapman came in to allow the winning run on a fielder’s choice.

Houston loaded the bases in the bottom of the frame against closer Casey Janssen, but Cody Clark bounced out to end the threat and keep the Jays from being swept.

Why did Porter keep Lo out there when he obviously had no command at all? That’s a great question, and you must not have anything to do with Houston media because that question didn’t get asked. “It’s how you battle. I thought Lo did a great job of battling, even though he walked a few guys. He did a great job for us. He had a 0.90 ERA before today. It’s one of those things.”

Astros 12
Blue Jays 4

contributed by NeilT

In Command Central, far beneath the Governor’s Mansion, Governor Rick Perry and Attorney General Greg Abbott met with the rock-jawed and virile Texas Ranger Captain Berk Lanceman. It was time to brief the General concerning The Citizen.

“That’s what we call him, Greg, because we have no idea who he is. No matter what we’ve tried, he’s eluded us. All we know is a code name, The Citizen. We believe he was placed here as a child. Major?”

“That’s right, Governor.” Captain Lanceman took up the story. “During the 60s and 70s, the Canadian secret service seeded specially bred children into deep-cover homes to be raised as Texas citizens. These children were often born in Canada, purportedly to one or more dissident American parents, often to draft dodgers or so-called energy workers. We believe that at least one of those children, the agent known only as The Citizen, has now reached the highest levels of state or federal government here in Texas. He is a ticking time bomb, ready to explode.

“As you know, since the Revolutionary War the Canadians have been a constant threat to our independence and liberty…”

Governor Perry interrupted, “We think the Canadians armed the Comanche, and that it was Canadian wind behind the Dust Bowl. Santa Anna and Molly Ivins may both have been Canadian.”

Captain Lanceman continued, “This is their most nefarious plot since the movie version of Dudley Do-Right and The Arcade Fire. Intercepted information—information that cost the lives of two of our agents—indicates that The Citizen is being fed positions out of Ottawa that are so patently absurd—extreme even—that their only purpose is to drive good Texas citizens to the Canadian way of life; that means single payer health care, hockey in the schools, singing God Save the Queen in French, rye whiskey.”

“And that’s our problem, Greg,” the Governor addressed General Abbott, “we haven’t yet identified any high-ranking Texas politicians who take extreme positions.”

The handsomely rugged Berk Lanceman again spoke. “We do think we know how they are communicating, though. The Canadian government funds an American League baseball team, the Blue Jays—notice, by the way, the subtle reference to the color blue. A Canadian sympathizer named “Bud” caused the Astros to be moved from the National to the American League solely to allow messages to be passed to The Citizen through the Blue Jays. We feel this may be the key to catching The Citizen.”

***

In his office in Washington, Agent Cruz stroked his Canadian passport as he called to his aide. “Jean-Jacque, bring me the pitch sequence from tonight’s game. As you know, I always pay particular attention to what’s thrown when the Blue Jays are playing.”

***

Lyles pitched through the 7th giving up two runs, then pitched into the 8th and gave up two more. He only walked one, but only struck out two. It was his longest outing of the year. Zeid, who has shaved, finished out the 8th. FIELDS! finished the 9th, giving up a two-out double but no runs.

It was about as good of an offensive night as I’ve seen this season, at least where the Astros were getting not giving. The Stros scored in every inning but the 6th and the 8th, and they batted through the 4th scoring 5 runs. Villar hit 2 triples, and Castro hit a 3rd triple. Dominguez and Grossman hit home runs. Six players had two hit nights. I won’t mention that Carter, who went hitless, struck out four times.