Astros 12
Blue Jays 4
contributed by NeilT
In Command Central, far beneath the Governor’s Mansion, Governor Rick Perry and Attorney General Greg Abbott met with the rock-jawed and virile Texas Ranger Captain Berk Lanceman. It was time to brief the General concerning The Citizen.
“That’s what we call him, Greg, because we have no idea who he is. No matter what we’ve tried, he’s eluded us. All we know is a code name, The Citizen. We believe he was placed here as a child. Major?”
“That’s right, Governor.” Captain Lanceman took up the story. “During the 60s and 70s, the Canadian secret service seeded specially bred children into deep-cover homes to be raised as Texas citizens. These children were often born in Canada, purportedly to one or more dissident American parents, often to draft dodgers or so-called energy workers. We believe that at least one of those children, the agent known only as The Citizen, has now reached the highest levels of state or federal government here in Texas. He is a ticking time bomb, ready to explode.
“As you know, since the Revolutionary War the Canadians have been a constant threat to our independence and liberty…”
Governor Perry interrupted, “We think the Canadians armed the Comanche, and that it was Canadian wind behind the Dust Bowl. Santa Anna and Molly Ivins may both have been Canadian.”
Captain Lanceman continued, “This is their most nefarious plot since the movie version of Dudley Do-Right and The Arcade Fire. Intercepted information—information that cost the lives of two of our agents—indicates that The Citizen is being fed positions out of Ottawa that are so patently absurd—extreme even—that their only purpose is to drive good Texas citizens to the Canadian way of life; that means single payer health care, hockey in the schools, singing God Save the Queen in French, rye whiskey.”
“And that’s our problem, Greg,” the Governor addressed General Abbott, “we haven’t yet identified any high-ranking Texas politicians who take extreme positions.”
The handsomely rugged Berk Lanceman again spoke. “We do think we know how they are communicating, though. The Canadian government funds an American League baseball team, the Blue Jays—notice, by the way, the subtle reference to the color blue. A Canadian sympathizer named “Bud” caused the Astros to be moved from the National to the American League solely to allow messages to be passed to The Citizen through the Blue Jays. We feel this may be the key to catching The Citizen.”
***
In his office in Washington, Agent Cruz stroked his Canadian passport as he called to his aide. “Jean-Jacque, bring me the pitch sequence from tonight’s game. As you know, I always pay particular attention to what’s thrown when the Blue Jays are playing.”
***
Lyles pitched through the 7th giving up two runs, then pitched into the 8th and gave up two more. He only walked one, but only struck out two. It was his longest outing of the year. Zeid, who has shaved, finished out the 8th. FIELDS! finished the 9th, giving up a two-out double but no runs.
It was about as good of an offensive night as I’ve seen this season, at least where the Astros were getting not giving. The Stros scored in every inning but the 6th and the 8th, and they batted through the 4th scoring 5 runs. Villar hit 2 triples, and Castro hit a 3rd triple. Dominguez and Grossman hit home runs. Six players had two hit nights. I won’t mention that Carter, who went hitless, struck out four times.