I haven’t been this torn about a subject since realizing the Scarlett isn’t a good actress as much as she is a good whisperer.  I love the city of Chicago almost as much as I hate the Cubs.  The fucking Cubs.  If they resided in a city that I despised (like Jacksonville), my hate would multiply and increase in power like motherfucking Voltron.  As is, I’ve spent plenty of time in Chicago (even visiting Wrigley once), and I find the people to be friendly, the weather pleasantly brisk, the restaurants fantastic, and it tops the list of cities to which I’d move if Harris County is finally swept out to sea by a God angry at us for tolerating Joel Osteen’s pseudo-Christian pap.  Still, I haven’t come to praise Chicago, but to bury the Cubs.

As a young fan, most of my hate was reserved for the Braves, with their blandly dominant pitching staff and Halle Berry-dumping outfield and Bobby (Sucking) Cox.  However, like a good wine or Jennifer Connely, my hate has gotten better with age, and its character has changed as well.  With the Braves now operating like the rich man’s Expos, there’s no particular reason other than history to hate them, but the Cubs.  Oh the Cubs.  Oh fuck the Cubs.  Even my sweet, beautiful wife once muttered “fuck the Cubs” when we saw a guy in a Soriano jersey on the street.  If it weren’t a jackass kind of thing to do, I’d teach my toddler nephew those three words posthaste.

Fuck the Cubs for Alfonso Soriano, the slugger who swings more than a 70’s suburban party in San Fernando Valley and plays defense like a six year old FFPS goalie.  I’d take Michael Bourn over 3 of you fuckers.

Fuck the Cubs for Carlos Zambrano, the fat asshole with the big mouth, with his stolen fucking no-hitter and the teammates who hate him. Eat a damned salad and enjoy being Jose Rijo without the World Series ring.

Fuck the Cubs for Lou Pinella, the smartest idiot manager in the league.  It says a lot about how smart Lou is that he keeps getting jobs despite being the sort of jackass who you wouldn’t want to work with in a cubicle, much less a clubhouse.  Get anger management and host an ESPN show with Bobby Knight.

Fuck the Cubs for Mark Cuban for wanting to buy this team.  Serves your dumb self-promoting ass right not getting them.

Fuck the Cubs for their fans who travel so well.  If there were oil & gas jobs in Chicago, we wouldn’t have this problem.  Now we go to the belly of the Beast, where fat fuckers spilling beer on women and cursing in front of children in ways that would make Richard Pryor blush are just part of the “charm”.  Put on a shirt, bitchtits.

Fuck the Cubs for Steve Bartman, the goat, and the Curse.  Maybe the reason you haven’t won a World Series lately is that your only Gold Glove winner in recent years is the first baseman who is only healthy for 48 hours a season, and a pitcher who excretes worthless awards through his pores.  Become freaking White Sox fans and spend time in part of the city where black people live, you racists.

Fuck the Cubs for Sammy Sosa, Michael Barrett, Alex Gonzalez, and all the other dearly departed morons.  So glad you all found greener pastures.

Fuck the Cubs for you.  You, the lazy, nice Astros fans who gave you season tickets to the Cubfans who stink up our stadium with the smell of desperation and Goose Island.

Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking before five.

Probable Pitchers from MLB.com

Monday, July 27th

7:05 PM CST, Wrigley Field

Wandy Rodriguez (10-6, 2.72) v. Fat Fuck (7-4, 3.48)

Yeah, which of these starters’ names will you see on the ESPN ticker?  Fat fucking fuck. Wandy continues to be the stealth ace, wracking up quality starts by the fistful.  Derrek Lee (the extra “r” is for injured Reserve) and Ryan Theriot hit him pretty well, but Soriano is his double bitch (1-14).  The Astros beat the Cubs last time Wandy pitched, but he didn’t get a decision.  Win #11 would be sweet on the North Side.

The world’s worst Hugo Chavez impersonator found a way to beat us on Opening Day, and with the Cubs riding the top of the standing in preparation for their end-of-season meltdown, it’d be nice to get that ball rolling today.  As we know from past experience, El Gordo is rather good against us, with Pudge and Caballo as the only ones who’ve solved him regularly. Score early, score often, gents.

Tuesday, July 28th

7:05 PM CST, Ivy Hell

Roy Oswalt (6-4, 3.66) v. Ryan Dempster (5-5, 4.09)

Two pitchers who are better than their numbers would indicate.  However, Roy has shown signs that he’s still ace good, while Dempster can still lay claim to the title of “over-achiever”.  Among the FTC, I have no clue who hits him well because Baseball-Reference just stopped working.  Sorry.  So if Fukudome gets an RBI off him, you’ll have no idea if this was a rare occurrence. Whatever will we do?

Dempster sounds like Dumpster, which I hope to god none of his classmates in elementary school overlooked. He’s pitching with a broken toe, so I don’t feel like making fun of him too much.  He’s like their Brocail, only without the bottomless well of scowls.

Wednesday, July 29th

1:20 PM CST, Bleacher Sunburn City

Mike Hampton (6-7, 4.74) v. Randy Wells (6-4, 3.10)

The one time I went to Wrigley was in 1999, and I saw Hampton pitch.  Richard Hidalgo had two outfield assists, Hammy was dealing, and I got to be the recipient of Cub Hate after we won.  Good times.  For old time’s sake, I’d like to see some decent corner outfield defense this series.

Wells is a rookie, but has faced the ‘stros once this year, and (naturally) we didn’t score a run.  Now that we’ve got that little ritual out of our system, it’s time to club the shit out of the clean cut bastard.

Injuries

Astros

Puma: strained eating metaphors (overuse)

Boone: better, stronger, faster, ready to rehab

Brocail: scaring the shit out of Double-A pukes

Hawk: MRI? MRIght.

Cubs

Ryan Dempster: broke toe.  Still scheduled to make a start.  That’s pretty hardcore.

Chad Fox: has a boo-boo on his elbow and a SpongeBob band-aid.

Derrek Lee:  More competing diseases and injuries than Montgomery Burns

Ted Lilly: pursuing a life-affirming career as an Easter florist

Aaron Miles: strained elbow trying to shave his goatee into an “M”

David Patton: shot in the groin with pearl-handled revolver

Geovany Soto: wishes he was Chris Coste

Giveaways:

Jack Shit. Luggage tags and a kids’ batting helmet.  Ever used a giveaway helmet as a real helmet?  Doesn’t work, does it?  Here’s hoping Lil Cub Fans get some brain damage…wait, that may explain CubFandom in general: generations of shitty plastic helmets.

What to Watch For:

HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE

Discuss in the Game Zone!

I’m going to have to look into finding a supplier of handshake drugs if I’m going to keep watching this team.  For ever dominant (seriously) performance by Brian Moehler or Russ Ortiz, there are missed cutoff men, botched rundowns, lollygagging outfielders, and bullpen implosions.   I should probably just fucking shake it off, recognize that this is a .500 team at best (as currently constructed and coached), and enjoy the ups and downs of the ride.   After all, as one of the few Aggies on this site, you’d think the past decade of football would’ve prepared me for unreasonable expectations and crushing disappointment.  It’s just that simple, really, but I keep on throwing things at my computer screen or radio when this shit happens.

Your Houston Astros travel further north on the west coast to face the Giants.  These aren’t the California stars of old, just an odd collection of fantastic pitching and hilariously awful offense, and one 400 year old angry sea hag.  Somehow, this motley collection is hanging tough in an NL West as ugly and mismatched as the offspring of Ingrid Bergman and Christopher Walken.

As the Astros keep buying drinks for .500, waiting for her to come over and sit next to them, San Fran would be a nice place to finally start up some small talk and seal the deal.  I’m not going to say anything more here, as the BBG’s have already proven that they’ve got their fingers hovering over the “Smite” button for anyone who talks about .500 too much.

Moving along, the previous seven days have shown that the disconnect between Cecil Cooper and reality (and possibly the connection between Coop and Ed Wade, to say nothing of the connection between Coop and the team) is widening.  With the All-Star Break approaching (typically the time of year when a young GM’s heart turns toward love…er, firing the fucking incompetent manager), will Wade decide that he and Coop are too far apart, and sever ties?  For all the whispers about Coop’s untouchability for Selig-based reasons, that’s not the issue: Wade has shown that he can make McLane listen on issues like rebuilding, so if a case is made that Coop is ruining not only this season, but the potential of the younger players (like Maysonet and Paulino), McLane could send Cooper far, far away.  And that journey could be someday soon if Coop keeps up post-game quotes like this.

The bright sides to look for in this series are plentiful, though: Berkman is hitting better, giving the offense a much needed shot in the arm.  Paulino, Ortiz and Oswalt (our three starters in the series) are all coming off of strong outings, with Roy-O finally looking like his usual kingpin self.  With some momentum from the series against the Friars, we could see some fun baseball by the Bay.

Probable Pitchers from MLB.com

Friday, July 3rd

9:15CT, AT&T Park

Felipe Paulino (2-4, 5.51) v. Ryan Sadowski (1-0, 0.00)

Felipe will probably be the odd man out of the rotation after the ASB, when the team goes back to a normal five man circuit.  It won’t be for lack of effort or performance, though.  When he’s not being jerked in and out of the rotation by Cooper’s whims, Paulino shows the stuff and makeup to be a solid, if not consistently spectacular, major league starter.  He’s never faced the Jints before, so hopefully he won’t get too intimidated by facing Randy Winn.

Sadowski is the Zeppo to Tim Lincecum’s Groucho.  Hot minor league resume, stellar first outing, etc, except that his ceiling isn’t expected to be as high.  At 6’4″, he’s a big guy, but in this rotation he slots in between the Lilliputian Timmy L and the kamera bashing behemoth of Randy Johnson.  We all know how the Astros fare against first-time pitchers, so the less said about that, the better.

Saturday, July 4th

3:05 CT, AT&T Park

Russ Ortiz (3-3, 3.36) v. Tim Lincecum (8-2, 2.37)

Or Coop could send Ortiz to the bullpen, too.  Who the hell knows?  Ortiz came back to the rotation when Hampton got hurt, and has pitched like a man possessed.  I’m glad that the Astros org doesn’t read this site, because if they did, I guess I planted that seed for them.  Ortiz pitches well against his former team, with only Edgar Rentaria (.304, 1 HR) and Randy Winn (.333) having any semblance of success against him.

Timmy Lincecum is damned good, and while he’ll probably mow through the Astros’ lineup like a buzzsaw, it’ll be one more chance to watch this talented youngster before his violent pitching motion detaches his arm from his body, leaving him dangerously vulnerable to Grendel’s mother, Randy Johnson.   With this game falling on the Fourth, while all the commie hippie homo residents of San Fransisco are dancing in the ashes of American flags, they’ll be missing the pint-sized hurler making mincemeat of a team that has a combined .196 batting average against him.  The only exceptions are Kaz (.333) and Pudge (2 AB, 1 3B, 1.000), so good luck with that.  I think we’re going to end up red-eyed and blue here.

Sunday, July 5th

3:05 CT, AT&T Park

Roy Oswalt (4-4, 4.02) v. Randy Johnson (8-5, 4.70)

Sparky must’ve grabbed a lose wire again, because he’s finally pitching well again.  No Oswalt Innings, no ill-advised power trips, no reservations, just smart starts and fast innings like we’re used to.  You never know what you’re going to get with Oswalt in the first half of the season lately, but it appears that he’s rounding into second-half shape early this year.  Among current Giants, only Fred Fucking Lewis is really all that good, but damn, 8-15 makes him an unlikely nemesis for Roy O.

I don’t currently own a tv, for reasons that escape me at the moment but that I’ll blame on my recent entry into wedded bliss; if I did own a tv, it would of course be an HD unit, since I don’t speak much Spanish.  And if I owned such an HD-enabled device, you could be sure as shit that I’d listen to this game on the radio, just so I wouldn’t have to see the pockmarks on The Big Unit’s face in HD.  Seriously.  His face looks like he’s been wearing a muzzle of bees.   Plus, he’s so old now that his first  win (of 303) came against an opposing pitcher named Jimmy Raup.   One day theologians will explain to us how a loving God, Allah, Jesus, etc. would allow a monster like Johnson to terrorize us in the safety of our own homes, but until then I’ll take my chances with Milo.

Tejada, Q, and Caballo all spank the Big Unit, but the Puma is rather timid in his presence, likely because there’s nothing to chat about at first base with someone who was taught English only recently as part of his transition from cryptozoological myth to semi-civilized man-beast.

Injury Report

Astros:

Aaron Boone: aquarium drinker

Doug Brocail: Busted hammy while learning double bass for career as a heavy metal drummer.

Giants:

Noah Lowry – strained shoulder giving a reach around to a casino queen.

Joe Martinez – fractured skull.  Holy shit.  Mike Cameron hit a liner off his face, and he must’ve hit the everlasting everything out of the ball.  Yeesh.

Promotions

Friday: Fireworks, courtesy of Men’s Wearhouse.  They will explode, I gaaaarenteeee it.  Also, George Zimmer: watch your back.  The ghost of Billy Mays is coming for you, motherfucker.

Saturday: Mini U.S. flags.  How original.

Sunday: A tasteful t-shirt.  These are the things we’d get if there weren’t a gat-dam Lil Puma bobblehead.

To Watch For:

• Lincecum’s dominance
• Cooper’s mistakes that go on and on and on.
• The Sea Beast
• The beautiful stadium in SF that everyone raves about, on a July 4th that holds a high temp of 69 (HELLO!) degrees, while you fucking roast during the biggest drought Texas has seen in a decade.
• Horribly contrived, obscure, running jokes that are only funny to yourself.

Discuss the games in the Game Zone!  Apologies to JaneDoe for blatantly ripping off her excellent conceit.

Look, there’s no good reason to hate the Diamondbacks.  They’ve got a silly name, sure, something that sounds like a fictional team on an 80’s video game that couldn’t afford an MLB license; “Shit, we can’t have the Sox and Phillies?  How about a team in Phoenix with a snake mascot, and a team in Florida with a completely harmless aquatic mascot?”  But that’s not really worthy of hate, especially for a team that once beat the Yankees in the World Series.  But the surging Astros have to face them this weekend, so fuck ’em anyway.

After winning the preceeding series against the Fucking Cubs, the ‘stros are either preparing for their patented mid-season surge, or just getting hopes high enough that they’ll refrain from trading any “crucial” pieces.   The D-backs should oblige in any case; they’re rudderless with an anemic offense backing up some strong starting pitching.  So with the hometown boys only five games out of first in the NL Central, and the tantilizing possibility of leapfrogging the Cubs and Pirates by Sunday dangling in front of our eyes, let’s keep on the sunny side and feast on some snake.  It tastes just like chicken.  (Which distinguishes it from Carlos Zambrano, who is [and I assume, tastes like] chickenshit.)

Matchups from MLB.com

Friday, 8:40 CST at Chase Field

Mike Hampton (4-4, 4.65) v. Dan(ny) Haren (4-4, 2.33)

This is the face of a man with a 2.33 ERA.

Seriously.

No, do not adjust your monitor.  The guy who hit on your sister at every party in high school, before going off to follow Dave Matthews around the country for a summer has a better ERA that Roy Oswalt.  Yet somehow, he’s 4-4, showing that the run support he’s getting is truly atrocious.  Even better, Pudge and Miggy have hit him well, with Beaker the only Astro who’s failed to get a hit off of him.  Get to Haren early, and this could be a fun night.

Of course, by way of comparison, here is a recent picture of Mike Hampton:

Caring about kids' schools = dating their teacher

So he’s got that going for him.  Which is nice.  In reality, the more appropriate picture is something like this:

Gimme some sugar, baby

Hammy’s last two starts have been a lot more Harvey Dent than “why the hell are you moping over the death of a Gyllenhaal Goblin?”, and he has his work cut out for him against the Baby Backs.  Since most of the players on Arizona’s roster were in Huggies when Hampton had his best years, he hasn’t faced many of them.  Unfortunately, the ones he has face have hit him well; Mark Reynolds and Chris Snyder are both at .500, and Augie Ojeda is .667.  Time to adjust those averages down a bit, methinks.

Saturday, 7:10 CST

Roy Oswalt (2-3, 4.66) v. Jon Garland (4-6, 5.61)

Well, aren’t we glad we didn’t trade for Garland now?  The Christmas decoration has lost four in a row, and hasn’t won since May 19th, and is really, really pressing the question of just how valuable an innings eater is when he’s giving up runs at a steady clip.  The former AL-ers in Mud and Blood hit him well, except for Pudge (.178), with Tejada’s .435, 2 HR, and 8 ribbies leading the way.

Roy.  What else can we say about the Mississippi Midget? If it were possible to surgically extract bad innings from games, Coop (or Geoff Blum) would have Dr. James Andrews on speed dial for every Oswalt start. Fortunately, Roy is a Reds-esque 7-1 lifetime against the D-Backs, and he owns Mark Reynolds, who’s 0-fer against Roy-O.  Stephen Drew, Chris Young, and Miguel “Mitsubishi” Montero have all hit him fairly well, so hopefully their part of the lineup won’t be up when the Oswalt Inning arrives.

Sunday, 3:10 CST

Brian Moehler (2-4, 6.95) v. Billy Buckner (2-2, 6.75)

Don’t make the obvious joke. Don’t make the obvious joke. Don’t make the obvious joke, Mookie.

Shit.

Buckner actually sees a lot more balls going over his head than between his knees (that’s what she said), having given up roughly one homer every start en route to his Moehler-esque ERA.  Race to the bottom you guys! (also what she said)

Moehler pisses me off, so in lieu of telling you how Eric Byrnes somehow owns him, here’s a picture of a ferret clown.

WFW

If there’s any justice in the world, that’ll be the subject of a JackAstro photoshop before you’re done reading this.

Injury Reports (for your fantasy team!)

Astros

Aaron Boone – ruining his career with AutoTune

Doug Brocail – yelling at his hamstring to make it heal

Kaz Matsui – trying to kick Usain Bolt’s ass.

Felipe Paulino – whiplash sustained slingshotting between bullpen and rotation

Jose Valverde – he’s coming.  And hell’s coming with him.

D-backs

Tony Clark – Trying to persuade Bob Melvin to let him DH.

Tom Gordon – Consulting with producers of a porn version of “The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon”

Conor Jackson – Valley Fever.  Seriously.

Yusmeiro Petit – is very small.

Chad Tracy – Surgery to remove girl’s name.

Brandon Webb – Wondering why Jake Peavy gets all the cute trade rumors.

Promotions

Friday: Post-game fireworks, you guys!  In a dry dry desert!  What could go wrong?

Saturday: Concert by crypto-Christian power-pop band Lifehouse.  Screw that.  We like our secretly Christian bands more like Cold War Kids.

Sunday: Hey, kids: want to learn how to make that pussy cream?  Get there early for your Baxter Soap Dispenser. I think I need to go wash my hands now.

Things to Watch For:

• Moehler’s final turn in the starting rotation.
• Number of times JD rolls his eyes (audibly) at another Billy Buckner joke.
• Hampton picking pitches by flipping a scarred coin.
• Seriously, a fucking bobcat soap dispenser?  Are there that few players on the D-backs who deserve a bobblehead?

Discuss the games in the Game Zone!