I’m going to have to look into finding a supplier of handshake drugs if I’m going to keep watching this team. For ever dominant (seriously) performance by Brian Moehler or Russ Ortiz, there are missed cutoff men, botched rundowns, lollygagging outfielders, and bullpen implosions. I should probably just fucking shake it off, recognize that this is a .500 team at best (as currently constructed and coached), and enjoy the ups and downs of the ride. After all, as one of the few Aggies on this site, you’d think the past decade of football would’ve prepared me for unreasonable expectations and crushing disappointment. It’s just that simple, really, but I keep on throwing things at my computer screen or radio when this shit happens.
Your Houston Astros travel further north on the west coast to face the Giants. These aren’t the California stars of old, just an odd collection of fantastic pitching and hilariously awful offense, and one 400 year old angry sea hag. Somehow, this motley collection is hanging tough in an NL West as ugly and mismatched as the offspring of Ingrid Bergman and Christopher Walken.
As the Astros keep buying drinks for .500, waiting for her to come over and sit next to them, San Fran would be a nice place to finally start up some small talk and seal the deal. I’m not going to say anything more here, as the BBG’s have already proven that they’ve got their fingers hovering over the “Smite” button for anyone who talks about .500 too much.
Moving along, the previous seven days have shown that the disconnect between Cecil Cooper and reality (and possibly the connection between Coop and Ed Wade, to say nothing of the connection between Coop and the team) is widening. With the All-Star Break approaching (typically the time of year when a young GM’s heart turns toward love…er, firing the fucking incompetent manager), will Wade decide that he and Coop are too far apart, and sever ties? For all the whispers about Coop’s untouchability for Selig-based reasons, that’s not the issue: Wade has shown that he can make McLane listen on issues like rebuilding, so if a case is made that Coop is ruining not only this season, but the potential of the younger players (like Maysonet and Paulino), McLane could send Cooper far, far away. And that journey could be someday soon if Coop keeps up post-game quotes like this.
The bright sides to look for in this series are plentiful, though: Berkman is hitting better, giving the offense a much needed shot in the arm. Paulino, Ortiz and Oswalt (our three starters in the series) are all coming off of strong outings, with Roy-O finally looking like his usual kingpin self. With some momentum from the series against the Friars, we could see some fun baseball by the Bay.
Probable Pitchers from MLB.com
Friday, July 3rd
9:15CT, AT&T Park
Felipe Paulino (2-4, 5.51) v. Ryan Sadowski (1-0, 0.00)
Felipe will probably be the odd man out of the rotation after the ASB, when the team goes back to a normal five man circuit. It won’t be for lack of effort or performance, though. When he’s not being jerked in and out of the rotation by Cooper’s whims, Paulino shows the stuff and makeup to be a solid, if not consistently spectacular, major league starter. He’s never faced the Jints before, so hopefully he won’t get too intimidated by facing Randy Winn.
Sadowski is the Zeppo to Tim Lincecum’s Groucho. Hot minor league resume, stellar first outing, etc, except that his ceiling isn’t expected to be as high. At 6’4″, he’s a big guy, but in this rotation he slots in between the Lilliputian Timmy L and the kamera bashing behemoth of Randy Johnson. We all know how the Astros fare against first-time pitchers, so the less said about that, the better.
Saturday, July 4th
3:05 CT, AT&T Park
Russ Ortiz (3-3, 3.36) v. Tim Lincecum (8-2, 2.37)
Or Coop could send Ortiz to the bullpen, too. Who the hell knows? Ortiz came back to the rotation when Hampton got hurt, and has pitched like a man possessed. I’m glad that the Astros org doesn’t read this site, because if they did, I guess I planted that seed for them. Ortiz pitches well against his former team, with only Edgar Rentaria (.304, 1 HR) and Randy Winn (.333) having any semblance of success against him.
Timmy Lincecum is damned good, and while he’ll probably mow through the Astros’ lineup like a buzzsaw, it’ll be one more chance to watch this talented youngster before his violent pitching motion detaches his arm from his body, leaving him dangerously vulnerable to Grendel’s mother, Randy Johnson. With this game falling on the Fourth, while all the commie hippie homo residents of San Fransisco are dancing in the ashes of American flags, they’ll be missing the pint-sized hurler making mincemeat of a team that has a combined .196 batting average against him. The only exceptions are Kaz (.333) and Pudge (2 AB, 1 3B, 1.000), so good luck with that. I think we’re going to end up red-eyed and blue here.
Sunday, July 5th
3:05 CT, AT&T Park
Roy Oswalt (4-4, 4.02) v. Randy Johnson (8-5, 4.70)
Sparky must’ve grabbed a lose wire again, because he’s finally pitching well again. No Oswalt Innings, no ill-advised power trips, no reservations, just smart starts and fast innings like we’re used to. You never know what you’re going to get with Oswalt in the first half of the season lately, but it appears that he’s rounding into second-half shape early this year. Among current Giants, only Fred Fucking Lewis is really all that good, but damn, 8-15 makes him an unlikely nemesis for Roy O.
I don’t currently own a tv, for reasons that escape me at the moment but that I’ll blame on my recent entry into wedded bliss; if I did own a tv, it would of course be an HD unit, since I don’t speak much Spanish. And if I owned such an HD-enabled device, you could be sure as shit that I’d listen to this game on the radio, just so I wouldn’t have to see the pockmarks on The Big Unit’s face in HD. Seriously. His face looks like he’s been wearing a muzzle of bees. Plus, he’s so old now that his first win (of 303) came against an opposing pitcher named Jimmy Raup. One day theologians will explain to us how a loving God, Allah, Jesus, etc. would allow a monster like Johnson to terrorize us in the safety of our own homes, but until then I’ll take my chances with Milo.
Tejada, Q, and Caballo all spank the Big Unit, but the Puma is rather timid in his presence, likely because there’s nothing to chat about at first base with someone who was taught English only recently as part of his transition from cryptozoological myth to semi-civilized man-beast.
Astros:
Aaron Boone: aquarium drinker
Doug Brocail: Busted hammy while learning double bass for career as a heavy metal drummer.
Giants:
Noah Lowry – strained shoulder giving a reach around to a casino queen.
Joe Martinez – fractured skull. Holy shit. Mike Cameron hit a liner off his face, and he must’ve hit the everlasting everything out of the ball. Yeesh.
Friday: Fireworks, courtesy of Men’s Wearhouse. They will explode, I gaaaarenteeee it. Also, George Zimmer: watch your back. The ghost of Billy Mays is coming for you, motherfucker.
Saturday: Mini U.S. flags. How original.
Sunday: A tasteful t-shirt. These are the things we’d get if there weren’t a gat-dam Lil Puma bobblehead.
To Watch For:
- Lincecum’s dominance
- Cooper’s mistakes that go on and on and on.
- The Sea Beast
- The beautiful stadium in SF that everyone raves about, on a July 4th that holds a high temp of 69 (HELLO!) degrees, while you fucking roast during the biggest drought Texas has seen in a decade.
- Horribly contrived, obscure, running jokes that are only funny to yourself.
Discuss the games in the Game Zone! Apologies to JaneDoe for blatantly ripping off her excellent conceit.