Let’s see what else is on…

• The Texans fumble away victory in ways that remind me uncomfortably of my junior year of high school.
• The Cowboys stadium is more interesting than their team.  And the stadium is only interesting for being the most self-aggrandizing shrine to ego since the Taj Mahal.  To which it (really) compares itself.
• Politics is still a shitshow of name-calling, hyperbole, and cronyism.  I wish I could stage cage fights between Birthers and 9/11 Truthers.
• The Rockets are clearing planning on bombing this season with the goal of a franchise-boosting lottery pick, but everyone’s okay with this because we have basketball’s Billy Beane on our side.  Hoo-fucking-ray.
• The only good new show of this TV season features Joseph Fiennes making this face for an hour each night:

• And last but not least,  Academy stores across Houston are selling out of Cougars gear as the UofH bandwagon has gotten so crowded that there’s no room for Dick Justice to jump on…yet.   When he does, he’ll make a bad pun about that shitty Courtney Cox sitcom, Cougar Town.

Well, shit.  Looks like we’re stuck with the flailing Astros, who look like an ugly guy at last call who’s just realized that not even the fat chick with the lazy eye is going home with him tonight, even though it looked like she was winking earlier*.

The only interesting story lines at this point are who’s going to manage next year, who’s going to pitch next year, and if Tommy Manzella will decompose before he gets another start.  Exciting!  The only really heartbreaking thing for me right now is the fact that (short of Clark getting the managerial nod), Sean Berry will be getting his walking papers this off-season, which sucks because he’s responsible for the only real flash of hope this season in the form of Michael Bourn.  Le sigh.

Probable Pitchers from MLB.com

Monday, September 28th

6:05 CT, Citizens Bank Park

Yorman Bazardo (0-2, 9.55) v. Cole Hamels (10-9, 4.11)

As Prince once said, I could never take the place of Yorman, but at this point, I’d let the Purple One start a game just to see if he made little noises when he releases pitches.  Despite a decent start last week against the Co-ards, Bazardo still doesn’t have a win on the season.  He’s faced the Phils once and (as his ERA indicates) it didn’t go well.

Hamels got bitten by the injury bug this season, and when healthy, he hasn’t been exactly an ace.  Not bad, just not the guy he was in the WS last year.  He’s been hit well by Miggy, Kepp, Michaels, and Berkman, so our best hope here is for a slugfest.

Tuesday, September 29th

6:05 CT, Citizens Bank Park

Wilton Lopez (0-0, 8.44) v. J.A. Happ (11-4, 2.79)

Lopez gets his first start of the season on the heels of his dashing appearance on the rookie road trip.  You go girl, or something.  Lopez wasn’t pegged by our Bus Riders as a particularly dazzling MLB prospect, but you never know until you let them have a five run first inning.

Happ has been very impressive in his rookie season, and should pair with Hamels and Cliff Lee to make the Phillies’ rotation pretty deadly in the postseason.  He’s never faced the Astros before, and as we all know, that means that he’ll look like Cy Fucking Young on Tuesday.  The fact that he’s already pretty damned good means that we better hope for a hurricane to strike the City of Brotherly Love and wipe his ass and his Army of Northern Virginia general name off the map.

Wednesday, September 30th

6:05 CT, Citizens Bank Park

Brian Moehler (8-11, 5.21) v. Cliff Lee (14-12, 3.19)

As Mo goes, so goes the team.  No, really.  When he’s on, the team is surging; when he’s struggling, the team is in the doldrums.  Not sure which direction is labeled “cause” and which one is “effect”, but it is at least consistent.  Ryan Howard, Jason Weryth and Shane Victorino all abuse Moehler, but he owns Raul Ibanez.

Lee was brought over from the Indians to be the final piece to help the Phils repeat, and he’s been almost as good as advertised.  He’s pitched a league-leading 226 innings, so he might be getting a little weary.  Hunter is perfect against him, and as a whole the team is batting .333 against him, with Bourn the only starter who doesn’t have a hit against him yet.

Thursday, October 1

6:05 CT, Citizens Bank Park

Felipe Paulino (2-11, 6.51) v. Pedro Martinez (5-1, 3.32)

See?  We are playing in October!  YAY!  Paulino’s strong September was spoiled by a lack of run support, but he seems like less of a lost cause than Bazardo. Yes, that’s the nicest thing I can say in this situation.  He’s never faced the Phillies.

Pedro’s jheri curl has had a good revival in Philly, and though I was among the skeptics that he had anything left in the tank, he’s proven to be a smart acquisition.  He’s had success against the Astros in the past, and only Kaz and Quintero have fared very well against him in the past.

Injuries

Astros:

Alberto Arias – done for the season after his arm twisted into a corkscrew like that one Looney Tunes where Bugs Bunny plays baseball.

Mike Hampton – Mike Hampton

Roy Oswalt –

Billy Sadler – acute obscurity

Phillies:

Scott Eyre – still pining for Jane

Brett Myers – lying, wife beating twat

Chan Ho Park – zombie-related side effects

J.C. Romero – strained left forearm.  He uses the overhand grip, ifyaknowwhatI’msayin.

Carlos Ruiz – Romero’s “battery-mate”.  Ahem.

Jack Taschner – writing book under about a brave journeyman pitcher with the last name “Barzilla”

Promotions

Sept. 28th: In The Biz Night!  Are you a hospitality worker?  We’re so sorry.  Have some cheap shitty seats and gross dollar hot dogs!

Otherwise, bubkis.

What To Watch For:

Fatties from Philly gorging on cheap hot dogs and fucking awful Yuengling at the game

The merciful end of this season

Wilton Lopez’s hot pants

Discuss in the Game Zone! Please.  OSF is getting lonely.

*July 22nd = not recognizing that it wasn’t a wink, it was a lazy eye.

With the departure of Pudge this week, the reigning question for the remainder of the season is, “To blow up, or not blow up?” (We’ve stopped asking “what?” “why?” and “how?” about Coop, because it sounds like we’re doing grammar flashcards with a second grader) Even though the trade deadline is past, another waiver-assisted trade would not be impossible.

Miggy and Papa Grande are still strong chips, as is Hawkins; every contender could use another bullpen arm, and a possible DH who’s hitting over .300 would be enticing to many AL teams. WadeSmith is being circumspect in public, but who knows what machinations are taking place behind closed doors? Since it definitely appears that we’re not buyers right now, why not sell some of the valuable pieces for some young starting pitching, and give us a 2010 that’s worth looking forward to, instead of one that’s remarkably similar to 2009.

But nevermind that shit, here comes Mongo The D-backs. They’ve lost so many pitchers to injury this season that they actually inquired about Mark Prior at the trade deadline, just so that they could have an entire rotation of 15+ game winners on the DL at the same time. So we can hope for some potent offense this home series. Then again, we’re not sending out a single starter who has a sub-4 ERA, including Roy and Golden Boy Bud Norris. Will any of these starters make it (or be allowed to make it) past the 6th? Magic 8-Ball says:

Well, if you’re at these games, take it as your opportunity to boo Coop, or pull Drayton aside to tell him that you have an important message for him from Bud Selig re: Coop.

Probable Pitchers

Friday, August 21st
7:05 CT, MMPUS
Yusmeiro Petit (2-7, 6.47) v. Roy Oswalt (6-4, 4.01)
Yusmeiro The Less hasn’t won more than 3 games in a season, ever. And he’s been a starter most of that time. He’s an epic amount of suck. He’s the GI Joe movie of starting pitchers, especially in the sense that it’ll be entertaining to watch stuff blow up around him. Current ‘stros haven’t actually hit him all that well, but at least they’ve faced them, which means the Rookie Curse thing shouldn’t be an issue.
The Mississippi Midget is looking to rebound from a shittastic outing on Sunday where he lucked out by getting a no-decision despite giving up five runs. D-backs, collectively, have hit just .200 against Roy, with Stephen Drew the only exception at .412.

Saturday, August 22nd
6:05 CT, MMPUS
Max Scherzer (7-7, 4.00) v. Brian Moehler (7-9, 5.40)
The pitcher whose name sound like a sneeze v. the pitcher whose name sounds like the worst possible deployment of the “(blank) ‘er? I barely know ‘er?” joke. Lovely. Scherzer has faced the Astros once before in relief and mowed the entire lineup down. No one, I mean no one, has gotten so much as a hit off the douchebag. Seriously. Let’s hit him so hard that his name becomes easier to pronounce.
Moehler. Gawd. There are so many times that he looks like he has #4 starter stuff, and that’s literally the best thing you can say about the guy. Yet he’s one of the morst consistent members of the staff this year. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2009 Houston Astros! In limited exposure, the D-backs have hit him well, particularly Mark Reynolds, who has a preposterous 2.000 slugging percentage against him. I think mathematically that means that he hits 2 HRs every AB against Moehler.

Sunday, August 23rd
1:05 CT, MMPUS
Jon Garland (6-11, 4.42) v. Bud Ice Norris (3-1, 4.05)
Garland continues to show why it’s a crap shoot to spend a lot of money on a free agent pitcher, posting the worst season of his career after leaving Chicago’s South Side for the desert. Must be the heat and the soul-crushing sight of 15,000 retirees and unemployed schlubs in the seats. Wait, how is that different from the White Sox? Oh yeah, the horrible violent crime. Duh. Bourn, Michaels, and Tejada should all have a field day with Garland, as would Maysonet (.333) if Cooper ever acknowledges his existence.
Bud took his first loss last time out, and if you think he’s happy about it, you better fucking check yourself before he rips your idiot head off and throws it up Tal’s Hill. He’s never faced the D-Backs, and their lineup looks like a fantasy baseball keeper-league wet dream from 2007, so he should be just fine.

Injuries
Astros:
Aaron Boone – awaiting September call-up, getting ready for heart-warming round of PR. But not too heart-warming…gotta let that thing recover.
Doug Brocail – knawing on what’s left of Brandon Backe in his cage
Mike Hampton – “It’s unchartered waters”, says Mike, about hurting his rotator cuff. Really? Really? A trip to the DL with an aching arm is new to you? I’ll buy that it’s a new part of your arm, but like a 70’s British car, I guess every part has to break at some point.
Wesley Wright – Still in the Phantom Zone, for his own safety.

D-Backs
Eric Byrnes – Infected hair highlights
Tom Gordon – Still running from that Stephen King beastie
Conor Jackson – Died of dysentery on the way to Oregon
Scott Schoeneweis – What’s depression?
Justin Upon – strained expectations
Brandon Webb – found out he was the adopted child of Mike Hampton and Kerry Wood. Arm promptly fell off.

Promotions!
Friday: Gold Star Cap “collectible”.

Good thing they told us it’s a collectible, because it looks like a birthday cake from Kroger. Over/under on number of eating-related injuries to fans: 200
Saturday: Faith and Family Night, with a concert by MercyMe after the game. As mentioned in this space before, Christian rock doesn’t have to be the worst example of both of those words. This week’s example: Anathallo.
Sunday: School Supply Set! Oh boy! And it’s Scouts Day, which means that pedophiles get both bait and prey. Root for the Good Guys!

What to Watch For:
Flying objects, as many of them will be leaving the field of play this weekend.

Discuss the games in the Game Zone!