Manzella! Johnson! Towles! The Future is Now…here in Sight. Coop now has a new cadre of suckers to jerk around in the lineup. Despite his promises to give Blum and Miggy time off so the youngsters can get a shot, ponder this: imagine an Astros team that’s once again flirting with .500 and the annual Cubs collapse has the Good Guys 1 game out of second in the Central, and just 8 back of the Co-ards. Imagine further that Manzella started cold, but is hitting .290 in his last five games. Who do you think that Coop is going to start?
Yeah. That’s what I think, too.
These prospects aren’t the cavalry, riding in to save the day. They’re the little Asian boy scout from UP!, only more harmless. Look, I’d like to think that Manzella is the 2nd Coming of St. Adam of Everett, but he lacks the beautiful flowing locks that clearly mark a plus-plus fielding shortstop. I’d like to think that Chris Johnson is the 2005 Vintage Morgan Ensberg, but he’s more like Aramis Ramirez, without the slick fielding. And some genius at the Chron thinks that Towles should pull a Bidge and switch to 2B. What do you think, sirs?
DREBIN!
I’ll say it, and I don’t care who hears: I’m ready for Texans season.
Also: a side note about this site. I totally forgot to write a game recap this weekend. I’ll blame all the mesquite smoke I inhaled while acting as my extended family’s grillmaster over the holiday. Like a great, soon-to-be-unemployed man once said, “It won’t happen again”. Except I mean it.
Tuesday, September 8th
7:05 CT, MMPUS
Javier Vazquez (11-9, 3.18) v. Felipe Paulino (2-7, 6.62)
I wrote a whole bunch of fat and fake birth certificate jokes about Vasquez before realizing that I had him confused with Jose Contreras; in summary, Javy is a paragon of good, healthy eating and exercise, and he was legitimately born in 1976 in Puerto Rico. He is, despite his numbers this year, a horrible pitcher because he has never gotten Kaz Matsui out. Miggy hits him pretty well, too, but everyone else is pretty mediocre against him.
Paulino’s looking to build on a solid start last week; perhaps getting a clear message from management about his role and future from the team has something to do with that. Braves batters are hitting only .167 against him, so hopefully he’ll keep up the good work.
Wednesday, September 9th
7:05 CT, MMPUS
Derek Lowe (13-9, 4.36) v. Wandy Rodriguez (13-9, 2.82)
When you type “Derek Lowe” into the Google Taskbar, the first suggestion that comes up is “Derek Lowe affair”. This is not a Pierce Bronsnan remake of a Steve McQueen movie. No, it’s Derek leaving his wife and two kids for the host of Fox Sports’ Dodgers show a couple of years ago. He has since married said bobblehead. Stay classy, D-Lowe. Caballo, Bourn, and Matsui all hit him very well, and only Hunter has struggled against him. Score early, score often.
Besides, you know Wandy’s going to hold it down. If we could clone Wandy four times, we’d be a playoff team. Then again, if your aunt had testicles, she’d be your uncle. Larry Jones, Yunel Escobar, and Omar Infante not only sound like the lineup of a mambo band with a banjo player, but are also the only Braves who hit Wandy well.
Thursday, September 10th
7:05 CT, MMPUS
TBA v. Roy Oswalt (8-5, 3.77)
It's like a Doberman, let it have its ears!
Roy Oswalt’s whiny ass takes the hill again. I’m so sick of hearing him whine about fire. Smokey the Bear is not amused. He does usually make the Braves his bitch (with the exception of Nate McLouth), so hopefully the late-season fireworks will continue again on Thursday.
Injuries (FOR YOUR FANTASY TEAM!)
Astros:
Mike Hampton: Wandering around looking for his arm like that guy in Saving Private Ryan.
Alberto Arias: actually healthy, just hiding from Coop.
Jeff Keppinger: day-to-day, which is what you’d expect for a guy who shouldn’t be starting every day.
Roy Oswalt: inflamed va-jay-jay (sand)
Braves:
Jorge Campillo: can’t believe they kicked him out of the band for a fucking banjo player
Yunel Escobar: twisted ankle (mambo)
Chipper “Larry” Jones: strained oblique while killing Mexicans on his ranch
Brian McCann: McCann’t play.
Jordon Schafer: left wrist surgery. I guess he uses the mouse with his right hand.
Promotions!
Tuesday: Double Play Tuesdays, brought to you by Kaz Matsui!
Wednesday: Jack. Shit.
Thursday: College Night, bro! I can only assume that this means that the game will go into extras, and you will flunk your first big biochem test on Friday morning.
What To Watch For:
Derek Lowe’s roving eye
Hunter’s somewhat improved eye
Sharply hit balls entering the stands off the glove of Chris Johnson.
The triumphant return of rodeo clowns
Discuss the games in the aptly-named Game Zone!