I haven’t been this torn about a subject since realizing the Scarlett isn’t a good actress as much as she is a good whisperer. I love the city of Chicago almost as much as I hate the Cubs. The fucking Cubs. If they resided in a city that I despised (like Jacksonville), my hate would multiply and increase in power like motherfucking Voltron. As is, I’ve spent plenty of time in Chicago (even visiting Wrigley once), and I find the people to be friendly, the weather pleasantly brisk, the restaurants fantastic, and it tops the list of cities to which I’d move if Harris County is finally swept out to sea by a God angry at us for tolerating Joel Osteen’s pseudo-Christian pap. Still, I haven’t come to praise Chicago, but to bury the Cubs.
As a young fan, most of my hate was reserved for the Braves, with their blandly dominant pitching staff and Halle Berry-dumping outfield and Bobby (Sucking) Cox. However, like a good wine or Jennifer Connely, my hate has gotten better with age, and its character has changed as well. With the Braves now operating like the rich man’s Expos, there’s no particular reason other than history to hate them, but the Cubs. Oh the Cubs. Oh fuck the Cubs. Even my sweet, beautiful wife once muttered “fuck the Cubs” when we saw a guy in a Soriano jersey on the street. If it weren’t a jackass kind of thing to do, I’d teach my toddler nephew those three words posthaste.
Fuck the Cubs for Alfonso Soriano, the slugger who swings more than a 70’s suburban party in San Fernando Valley and plays defense like a six year old FFPS goalie. I’d take Michael Bourn over 3 of you fuckers.
Fuck the Cubs for Carlos Zambrano, the fat asshole with the big mouth, with his stolen fucking no-hitter and the teammates who hate him. Eat a damned salad and enjoy being Jose Rijo without the World Series ring.
Fuck the Cubs for Lou Pinella, the smartest idiot manager in the league. It says a lot about how smart Lou is that he keeps getting jobs despite being the sort of jackass who you wouldn’t want to work with in a cubicle, much less a clubhouse. Get anger management and host an ESPN show with Bobby Knight.
Fuck the Cubs for Mark Cuban for wanting to buy this team. Serves your dumb self-promoting ass right not getting them.
Fuck the Cubs for their fans who travel so well. If there were oil & gas jobs in Chicago, we wouldn’t have this problem. Now we go to the belly of the Beast, where fat fuckers spilling beer on women and cursing in front of children in ways that would make Richard Pryor blush are just part of the “charm”. Put on a shirt, bitchtits.
Fuck the Cubs for Steve Bartman, the goat, and the Curse. Maybe the reason you haven’t won a World Series lately is that your only Gold Glove winner in recent years is the first baseman who is only healthy for 48 hours a season, and a pitcher who excretes worthless awards through his pores. Become freaking White Sox fans and spend time in part of the city where black people live, you racists.
Fuck the Cubs for Sammy Sosa, Michael Barrett, Alex Gonzalez, and all the other dearly departed morons. So glad you all found greener pastures.
Fuck the Cubs for you. You, the lazy, nice Astros fans who gave you season tickets to the Cubfans who stink up our stadium with the smell of desperation and Goose Island.
Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking before five.
Probable Pitchers from MLB.com
Monday, July 27th
7:05 PM CST, Wrigley Field
Wandy Rodriguez (10-6, 2.72) v. Fat Fuck (7-4, 3.48)
Yeah, which of these starters’ names will you see on the ESPN ticker? Fat fucking fuck. Wandy continues to be the stealth ace, wracking up quality starts by the fistful. Derrek Lee (the extra “r” is for injured Reserve) and Ryan Theriot hit him pretty well, but Soriano is his double bitch (1-14). The Astros beat the Cubs last time Wandy pitched, but he didn’t get a decision. Win #11 would be sweet on the North Side.
The world’s worst Hugo Chavez impersonator found a way to beat us on Opening Day, and with the Cubs riding the top of the standing in preparation for their end-of-season meltdown, it’d be nice to get that ball rolling today. As we know from past experience, El Gordo is rather good against us, with Pudge and Caballo as the only ones who’ve solved him regularly. Score early, score often, gents.
Tuesday, July 28th
7:05 PM CST, Ivy Hell
Roy Oswalt (6-4, 3.66) v. Ryan Dempster (5-5, 4.09)
Two pitchers who are better than their numbers would indicate. However, Roy has shown signs that he’s still ace good, while Dempster can still lay claim to the title of “over-achiever”. Among the FTC, I have no clue who hits him well because Baseball-Reference just stopped working. Sorry. So if Fukudome gets an RBI off him, you’ll have no idea if this was a rare occurrence. Whatever will we do?
Dempster sounds like Dumpster, which I hope to god none of his classmates in elementary school overlooked. He’s pitching with a broken toe, so I don’t feel like making fun of him too much. He’s like their Brocail, only without the bottomless well of scowls.
Wednesday, July 29th
1:20 PM CST, Bleacher Sunburn City
Mike Hampton (6-7, 4.74) v. Randy Wells (6-4, 3.10)
The one time I went to Wrigley was in 1999, and I saw Hampton pitch. Richard Hidalgo had two outfield assists, Hammy was dealing, and I got to be the recipient of Cub Hate after we won. Good times. For old time’s sake, I’d like to see some decent corner outfield defense this series.
Wells is a rookie, but has faced the ‘stros once this year, and (naturally) we didn’t score a run. Now that we’ve got that little ritual out of our system, it’s time to club the shit out of the clean cut bastard.
Injuries
Astros
Puma: strained eating metaphors (overuse)
Boone: better, stronger, faster, ready to rehab
Brocail: scaring the shit out of Double-A pukes
Hawk: MRI? MRIght.
Cubs
Ryan Dempster: broke toe. Still scheduled to make a start. That’s pretty hardcore.
Chad Fox: has a boo-boo on his elbow and a SpongeBob band-aid.
Derrek Lee: More competing diseases and injuries than Montgomery Burns
Ted Lilly: pursuing a life-affirming career as an Easter florist
Aaron Miles: strained elbow trying to shave his goatee into an “M”
David Patton: shot in the groin with pearl-handled revolver
Geovany Soto: wishes he was Chris Coste
Giveaways:
Jack Shit. Luggage tags and a kids’ batting helmet. Ever used a giveaway helmet as a real helmet? Doesn’t work, does it? Here’s hoping Lil Cub Fans get some brain damage…wait, that may explain CubFandom in general: generations of shitty plastic helmets.
What to Watch For:
HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE