Corporan Punishment

Posted on August 15, 2013 by Ron Brand in Featured, Game Recaps

Astros whip A’s in extra innings

WP: Harrell (6-13)
LP: Doolittle (3-4)
SV: Fields (2)

contributed by Sphinx Drummond

For the first time in months the Astros have won two games in a row. And, since they’re currently involved in a 3 game series with the A’s, they have won a series for the first time in a long time. To push the Astros to victory, it took 11 innings, some good pitching, outstanding defense, and finally, timely hitting. Just like a real team.

Robbie Grossman pretty much saved the game, unfortunately outfielders don’t get save stats. But save Harrell’s ass he did. He robbed Chris Young of what would have been the game winning walk-off homer in the bottom of the 10th with an outstanding grab at the RF wall. Chris Young couldn’t believe it.

In the seventh inning Chris Carter got the scoring started with a solo homer, his 22nd and first against his former club, but at one for five for the game, his batting average still dipped. He’s hitting .211 currently.

The other C.C., Carlos Corporan was the big hero with his run scoring double off Sean Doolittle in the eleventh. Corporan, this year, is one of the best players on this team, I wonder what he could do playing first or outfield. He is clearly a better hitter than Carter or Wallace.

Jarred Cosart continues to impress, going six innings and allowing no runs, his ERA is currently 1.15. Phillip Humber, the second highest paid guy on the team, relieved in the 7th and allowed Oakland score a run to tie the game.

Josh Fields, the back-up closer, got his second save on the year, and Doolittle took the loss.

Thursday afternoon the Astros go for the improbable sweep in a west coast businessman’s special with Eric Bedard squaring off against Sonny Gray and a 2:35 CST start time.

Attendance – 18,278
Game Time – 3:32
Temperature – 66

Stormy Weather: Astros @ A’s Preview

Posted on August 13, 2013 by OregonStrosFan in Featured, Series Previews

Contributed by: GreatBagwellsBeard

One of the pseudo-benefits of working on a trade floor is the round-the-clock tv’s that hang from the ceiling. When the situation warrants, they can be tuned in to something genuinely interesting that provides a brief distraction from the usual drudgery. March Madness? It’s on CBS. Major golf tourney? You bet we’re on NBC or ESPN. But most of the time, we’re treated to two channels: The Weather Channel and MSNBC.

Daytime MSNBC is all financial crap, bottle blondes reading teleprompter tips over the hypnotic tickers forever scrolling scrolling scrolling. For some reason, Ashton Kutcher was on last week. Probably something about Steve Jobs. It’s white noise with white guys in bad suits. It’s the channel most likely to be changed when there’s a compelling reason.

And then there’s The Weather Channel. At this particular moment, there are two shirtless dudebro types prospecting for gold somewhere hot and dusty. The array of programming after 9am on TWC is just mind boggling: masturbatory self-promotion from the storm dummies, the thinnest possible premises for reality shows (you try making cross-country trucking compelling enough to watch for 30 minutes straight), and the commercials. Oh, the commercials. They’ve got their elderly retiree and agoraphobic shut-in demographic in the crosshairs, and they’ve flipped the switch to full auto fire mode. Self-lubricating catheters? YOU BET. Boner pills? EVERY HOUR. Showers with railings? OH INDEED. Every day, I watch Ethel from Boca Raton testify, with complete sincerity, about how “Now, I can have a bath!”

I guess by comparison, the trucking show actually is thrilling. But to make the most tenuous connection to our subject at hand, catching TWC out of the corner of my eye a few times a day is what the Astros season so far feels like. The chances that I’m going to see something that shakes my faith in humanity, encapsulating our frailty and what passes for our entertainment is about the same for Gamecast on Astros.com as it is at 2pm on The Weather channel.

I can barely bring myself to bridge the emotional distance by turning on the tv for Astros games at this point. Seeing the bullpen implode as expressed through tiny red and blue circles on an app or a website is more impersonal, more remote. I think I like it that way, actually.

Tuesday, August 13th
9:05 PM CT, O.co Coliseum
Jordan Lyles (4-6, 5.40) v. Bartolo Colon (14-4, 2.75)

Lyles gets his first start against the A’s. He faced Chris Young, and Chris Young won, to the tune of .556/.556/1.000. Ouch. Lyles has shown some good flashes this year in a way that sort of reminds me of Norris at this point in his career. If he settles down, he could be a nice contributor when the team is actually competitive.
The Human Dugong got out of a Biogenesis suspension since he was suspended already last year, and so he continues to deal like he’s ten years younger. How about that? Motherfucker looks like they decided to make a live action Grimace movie. Altuve is hitting .444 against him, and Castro has a homer. Everyone else is kinda weak. Story of the year, I know.

Wednesday, August 14th
2:35 PM CT, YOUR NAME HERE Coliseum
Jarred Cosart (1-0, 1.36) v. Jarrod Parker (8-6, 4.04)

The Highlight Of The Whole Season is still looking for win number two. I wonder who we could pin that on, hmmm? Anyone? Anyone? He hasn’t faced the A’s before.
The Jarrod with the slightly dumber spelling has solved about every hitter in the lineup except Villar, who’s 2-3 with a double off him.

Thursday, August 15th
2:35 PM CT, Pets.com Coliseum
Erik Bedard (3-8, 4.28) v. Sonny Gray (0-1, 1.80)

Let’s pause for a moment and thank the BBGs for giving us two day games on the West Coast. Some of us are conserving sleep before the baby comes, and we appreciate it. Bedard has pulled a pretty decent second half out of his ass, and I for one am grateful. All hail Luhnow. Coco Crisp HATES Bedard almost as much as Nate Frieman (grumble) loves him.
Sonny Gray looks so young, he’s like one of Leonardo DiCaprio’s sperm or something. He’s a rookie who’s never faced the Astros, so everyone please reach under your seats as there’s a vomit bag there, and your nacho tray can be used as a floatation device.

Promotions

Tuesday: Free Parking! And your car might even be there when you get back!

Thursday: Throwback Thursdays, so here’s hoping the A’s wear their yellow alternates, the Stros wear the gawdawful Oranges, and we can give some poor highlight editor at CSN a fucking seizure.

The biggest promotion, of course, is being able to leave Oakland.

Injuries
Astros:
Pride (out for season)
Altuve – sore quad
Castro – bruised hip
Crowe – shoulder sprain (15-day DL)
EGon – shoulder sprain (15-day DL)
J.D. Martinez – sprained wrist (15-day DL)
Alex White – TJ Surgery.

A’s
Brett Anderson – foot stress fracture. Ouch.
Coco Crisp – Sore wrist. Kind of a serial injury. Ahem.
John Jaso – Concussion. Treatment: grow out mullet.
Derek Norris – Back soreness. Join the club, buddy.
Fernando Rodriguez – TJ Surgery
Scott Sizemore – Knee surgery.

What To Watch For
The Bullpen Bloodbath
The Sweet Embrace of Death

The POCKET HOSE

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

Posted on August 13, 2013 by BudGirl in Game Recaps, News

Rangers 2, Astros 1
W:Darvish (12-5) L:Oberholtzer (2-1) SV:Nathan (35)

recap

This game started out similar to the second game of the season. Thankfully, it did not take until the 9th inning to ruin all the Rangers fans fun. Villar got his walk in the 6th, which ended the perfect game attempt. And then Mr. Carlos Corporan hit the shut-out-no-no-bid hit in the 8th. That was fun. It really was. Those Rangers fans probably wanted to strangle Mr. Carlos Corporan, but he’s too strong for them.

Lost in all the Davish crap is the fact that the Astros pitchers did a very good job on the day. 2 runs were all that were given up. 2 runs, that’s it. No more. Granted they didn’t hit the ball worth more than one run, and I didn’t view the came through a television screen so I don’t know if Darvis was pitching that great or if the Astros helped him along.

But, I’m still skeptically optimistic that the pitching is turning around. I’m trying not to let myself get to excited about the future, I’m holding onto some faith, but I just can’t trust everything yet. I truly hope the future is as bright and shiny as it is being sold.

Also, I hope the Rangers find themselves in a similar spot that the Angels seem to be headed. Would make future seasons mucho beuno.

Something funny.

Make Me Laugh

Ron White on Cincinatti Chili

C-R-U-U-U-U-Z

Posted on August 10, 2013 by Ron Brand in Featured, Game Recaps

Texas 9
Houston 5

contributed by NeilT

This is gonna be my last recap this year, ‘cause it’s the last time the Texas team plays the Houston team on a Friday night. That’s for the best, ‘cause I really need this time to work on my Presidential demeanor, but I got to tell you, I’m not as happy with the Texas team as I used to be. In fact, last time I was in Dallas they caused me a crisis in confidence, and that ain’t easy.

Now I happen to be in Houston for tonight’s game to encourage Houston business to move to Texas where our low taxes and balanced budget will let them do business the way God intended. Of course Anita pointed out to me that Houston was technically in Texas, but that can’t be true because they keep electing Democrats, and near-Democrats like Ed Emmett, and no business-friendly environment can elect Democrats.

But hearing that Houston was in Texas wasn’t what caused me consternation. Nossir. My crisis started last time I was in Dallas when this boy came up to bat and the crowd started booing. “Anita,” I ask Anita all the important questions, “why’s this Dallas crowd booing that boy? Is he a Democrat?”

“They’re not booing, numbskull, they’re yelling his name.” She’s always calling me little pet names like that: numbskull, crampbrain, sock-drawer . . . She’s been doing that since we were in junior high. It’s her little sign of affection.

“His name is Boo?”

“You hoof-head. Why I’m the damn blonde in this family I’ll never know. His name is Cruz, they’re yelling Cru-u-u-u-z.”

That was deeply disturbing. This boy Cruz has been giving me fits ever since Lite Governor Dewhickey failed to put him down back in 2012, and now he’s got presidential aspirations when everybody knows I’m the Texan with the presidential stuffing. He’s a loudmouth one-term senator of mixed parentage who wasn’t even born in Texas. Who would elect someone like that as President? I’m pretty sure he was born in Kenya, and I want to see his birth certificate.

Now I know the Texas team has a long tradition of Republican leadership, what with ’42 and my buddy Nolan, and that Cruz is a Republican. I know the Texas team used to be made up entirely of Senators, back when they were in Florida. But why they’re letting that upstart Cruz play gets me wound up tighter than a prom queen’s corset, so I called my bud Bud.

“Bud” says I, “I’m considering calling another special session to require that the governor appoint the designated hitter for baseball teams within my gubernatorial jurisdiction, but I figure that little blonde hussy will raise a ruckus,” which reminds me, I wonder who does her hair? That dye job is almost good as mine. Anyways, back to Bud, “so I was wondering if you’d just get rid of that fellow Cruz for me?” Of course Bud was glad to oblige, and he banned Cruz for 50 games, just ‘cause I asked. He’s still in the Senate though, and you can tell by listening to him that he’s still doin’ ‘roids.

***

‘Course in a recap I’m supposed to tell you something about the game, and since I was there I can share that Anita and I looked resplendent in our blue and red Texas jerseys, just like everybody else in the stadium. I was actually worried in the 8th and noted to Anita that the Houston team was still up 4-3. Bedard had pitched a pretty good game. That Communist Castro homered in the 2nd, Altuve scored some Hoes in the 4rth with a double, and then Castro scored Altuve with a double. Barnes homered in the 5th. Anita just looked at me with that look she gives me. “You Houston bullpen-brain,” I think that may be the worst thing she’s ever called me, and I’ve got to admit, it hurt my feelings a bit, “don’t you know we’re into the Houston bullpen?

And of course the Texas team batted around in the 8th and scored 4 runs. We got to see a whole lot of the Houston team’s bullpen, and it didn’t get much better in the 9th, with that new fellow, DeLeon.

All in all, it was satisfying for the Dallas crowd, and once again the Texas team won because of low taxes and a balanced budget. And I’m sure glad that Bud got rid of that Cruz loudmouth. He even gets on my nerves.

Rangers – Astros Series Preview

Posted on August 9, 2013 by Dark Star in Featured, News, Series Previews

This preview was conceived, written, and submitted by 94CougarGrad. It is strictly prohibited to plagiarize, reprint or otherwise rebroadcast this series preview without the expressed written consent of 94CougarGrad and/or one of her legal representatives. Don’t fuck with her, man. That is my advice.

********************

Go to the Houston Astros’ website this morning and, at the beginning of the preview for tonight’s game, you’ll find this: “The Silver Boot series will make its last stop in Houston this season when the Astros and Rangers begin a four-game series at Minute Maid Park on Friday.” Then, you’ll read the next line, which is this: “The Rangers are 7-2 against Houston in 2013, and they’ve won five straight at Minute Maid Park since dropping the season opener.”

I have mixed reactions to those first two sentences. The reaction after reading the first sentence is: “Thank God! I *finally* get to watch some Astros baseball!” Then, with no warning- although I should’ve seen it coming- I’m unkindly reminded of the Astros’ poor record against the Rangers this season.

Well, you know what? Screw y’all, that’s what. Seriously, just fuck right off and hit the road, jack. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass like you smacked us in the ass with your stupid little keyboard and your stupid little words making stupid little comments about our stupid losing season in the stupid AL. What are you, a Rangers fan?

As a lifelong Astros fan who relocated to Rangers-land in 2008 for employment purposes, I have taken great comfort in the fact that when 95% of the Astros’ games were on television, I could turn on that television and watch my team. I’d plan dinner and schoolwork time around the opening pitch. I’d DVR games when they were broadcast on nights that I had class. I’d moved to unfamiliar territory, and turning on the Astros made things feel normal and happy, even when they lost, because that was normal, even if it wasn’t happy. And they were in familiar baseball territory. They’d be playing in San Francisco. Or Atlanta. Or Saint Louie. Or Chicago.

Now when the Astros play in Chicago, it’s gonna be against those guys in black-and-white who blanked us in the ’05 World Series. Now our boys have gotta use a designated hitter even when they play at home. Meh. Thanks so much, Bud.

As these few years have passed, I’ve come to enjoy living in North Texas. It’s really pretty up here. Lots of lakes, lots of green outside, lots of ducks and Canadian geese, lots of friendly people. As long as you don’t live in Dallas (which I don’t) or talk shop about baseball with Rangers fans (which I don’t) or, God forbid, talk about the ever-lovin’ Cowboys with football fans (which is an altogether different preview and shall not be discussed here). I’ve adapted. I move my potted plants around so they don’t bake in direct sunlight. I can hustle my family and animals into the inner bathroom of our home almost before the tornado warning siren starts. I’ve become quite adept at using my broom as an arachnid-apult to fling the invading wolf spiders (*shudder*) out the sliding door and into the backyard. I love being involved with the university community.

Something just doesn’t feel right this summer, however. I could pinpoint it on any number of things- the stress over researching and writing my thesis, the upcoming fall semester’s classes, Big’Un’s driver’s ed lessons- but, honest and for true, it really bothers me that I can’t just turn on my television in the evening and watch the Astros. I’m finding that I really don’t know much about this team, besides what I read on here or on the occasional visit to ESPN.com, or what I hear from the nearby trying-to-be-helpful-and-friendly Rangers fans. Their reports are usually worded in phrases something similar to: “Oh, the Astros? Geez, you guys really suck.” Yes, my dear, neighborly asshole… I know. And, believe me, it does *not* thrill me that I have to be dependent on *your* favorite fuckin’ team and its television deals and coverage to see *my* favorite team. You guys wanted the expansion of the Silver Boot series, y’all got it, and you’re thrilled about using that boot to tromp all over our newborn-American-League (bleh!) team. Believe me, the view of the boot is far more tarnished from the outsole than it is from the vamp, and the Astros are getting the shaft.

I don’t know a damn thing about this year’s Astros other than they’re in the American League and they’re losing. Badly. Here’s the thing, though. I’m still here, and I’m still an Astros fan. I still wanna know how my team’s doing. I still wanna go see them live. And I still wanna exercise my God-given right to turn on my frigging television and watch my favorite frigging baseball team play somebody else’s favorite frigging baseball team, even if the ‘Stros get their asses handed to them hand over choked fist.

Can your fan base say the same about itself, you two-time World Series losers? Would you still tune your television channels to baseball on a Monday night in September if the Cowboys were playing the Bears and the Rangers were on a six-game slide? Would Nelson Cruz’s “special muscle-building smoothies” still taste good right now if your team had a 37-76 record?

Rangers fans will be distracted by football soon enough, and I’ll be searching the upcoming schedules for Astros-Rangers games so that I know I can turn on the television and see my team play. But I’ll still be here, and I’ll still be an Astros fan, so help me, Bud Selig and CSN Houston and Baseball Gods of Wrath.

Just… somebody, for the love of this lil’ Houston-area gal transplanted to somewheres else, PLEASE get their heads straight and get a tv broadcast deal with somebody. I can’t stomach much more of this dependence on the Rangers and their fans. If your incompetence, or whatever it is, is going to continue to prevent me from seeing non-Rangers Astros games on the tube, just lock me up in Huntsville, already.

Friday, August 9, 7:10 pm:

M. Garza (1-1, 2.82, RHP)
vs.
Bedard (3-8, 4.29, LHP)

Bedard ain’t won a game since June 26. Garza pitched the only Rangers’ loss in their last 10 games. Oh, and don’t forget the stRangers’ 13 stolen bases in the last two games. Lordy, Lordy, Lordy.

“Big and Bright Friday Nights” t-shirts to the first 10,000 fans, followed by Friday Night Fireworks (sponsored by Marathon Oil Corporation, where this Texas City girl’s daddy worked for 26 years)

Saturday, August 10, 6:10 pm:

Holland (9-6, 3.02, LHP)
vs.
Peacock (1-4, 7.25, RHP)

Holland is 7-1 and 2.61 in 12 road starts this season. Peacock’s current numbers make him the kind of pitcher that the guys in my old fantasy baseball league would’ve tried to pass off to me, the only chick owner, as part of a trade with some other young and untried player in exchange for a pitcher of Hershiser’s caliber and Jim Gott back in the day.

“Houston Astros vs. Texas Rangers commemorative baseball to first 10,000 fans
Houston Methodist presents Houston Astros Blood Drive, 2-7pm; eligible donors get an Astros t-shirt
Texas Country Street Festival, 2-6pm on Crawford St: live beer, cold music, and activities… or something like that.

Sunday, August 11, 1:10 pm:

Perez (4-3, 3.81, LHP)
vs.
Keuchel (5-6, 4.96, LHP)

Over his last 4 starts, Perez has improved his ERA from 9.00 to 3.81. He’s never faced the Astros before, though, so I predict that by the end of the day, his ERA will either balloon to 7.64 or improve further to 2.22. Preferably it’ll be the former. Keuchel’s moving back to the rotation from the ‘pen, and what a relief, since he seems to be pitching better as a starter than as a reliever.

No freebies
No giveaways
No fun stuff (unless the Astros win)

Monday, August 12, 1:10 pm:

Darvish (11-5, 2.72, RHP)
vs.
Oberholtzer (2-0, 2.53, LHP)

The businessmen get treated to a late lunch with Yu, and I’d like nothing more than to see him get royally trounced by our chopsticks… I mean, bats. Please. I haven’t seen Oberholtzer pitch, but he’s got some good things written about him. Plus I get a warm-fuzzy-baseball-happy feeling about the kid. He’s a redhead, and I’ve got a redheaded son. His last name’s the same as one of the dorms at my alma mater, which brings up some fun college memories. So… there. Pitch your ass off, kid.

Coca-Cola Value Days

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let me assure you, I’m not cynical about the Astros. I’m just feeling more distant from baseball than I have in previous years, which really pisses me off. I hate that they’re struggling, and I hate that I can’t see them on tv, and I hate that they’re in the AL, but I’m still a fan, and I believe anything can happen.

Proof that anything can happen, you ask? That aforementioned fantasy baseball trade in which I traded away Hershiser and Gott, and received two youngish but decent guys, Morgan and Harkey, in return? Hershiser went on the 60-day DL the very next day. Morgan and Harkey did okay for me– not great, just okay– but Tim’s team plummeted in the standings because of the Hershiser injury, and my team improved enough to have a respectable finish at the end of the season.

So the moral of that story is… God bless Jim Gott.

Stop Me If You Think You’ve Heard This One Before

Posted on August 8, 2013 by Ron Brand in Featured, Game Recaps

Boston scores go ahead runs in the 9th to beat the Astros 7-5.

WP: Junichi Tazawa (5-3)
LP: Josh Fields (1-2)
SV: Koji Uehara (11)

contributed by Sphinx Drummond

Same old story, same old song and dance. And when we get to the end, we’re going to start all over again. Lather, rinse, repeat. Second verse same as the first. And we’re back where we started, here we go round again. It’s the never ending story.

Have you heard the one about the team that couldn’t hold lead in the late innings? It’s not a comedy but it involves a comedy of errors, so to speak. Anyway, that joke isn’t funny anymore. It might be, if it wasn’t the truth.

The Astros have a well-established template for losing. Get a lead, have your starter pitch well enough for the team to have a lead in the late innings, have one of the relief pitchers come in and blow the lead and the team loses the game. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Cosart didn’t have his best, walking 5 and serving up 7 hits over 5 innings but left with the game tied at two runs each. Wright, Zeid, Blackley, and Lo, all worked in relief and managed to not blow the lead in spite of Zeid’s yielding of 2 runs–thanks in part to the Astros scoring 3 runs in the bottom of the 6th inning. Houston led 5 to 4 going in to the top of the ninth. Houston’s bullpen has 18 blown saves this season but it was only Field’s first blown save.

The Astros are off Thursday. Their Wednesday record has fallen to a less impressive 11 wins and 7 losses. Which is still amazing within the context of the season. Friday the good guys welcome the Arlington Rangers to town. Dickweed Matt Garza faces the self limited Eric Bedard.

Wanted: For Impersonating Relief Pitchers – Jose Cisnero, Josh Fields, Rhiner Cruz, Wesley Wright, Hector Ambriz, Travis Blackley

Time: 3:53.
Attendance: 22,205.
Weather: INDOORS

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