A Fragment from A. Pope’s Detroitiad

contributed by NeilT

Send words, Muse, so that I in turn may sing
Of rostered bats, oiled leather, and spiking
stars. Detroit! Whose graceful Ausmus
Came with fair words to steal BudGirl from us.

Send forth in orange ships on green-grass seas
The noble nine (or ten I guess, for these
AL games confuse me), with many-eyed
Peacock at the helm, Bengals to defy.

And he whose smallish height so like a flea
But sports the grace of proud nobility
Had been so cruelly struck upon the hand
Crushing, bruising, leaving his oar unmanned

Awoke, and to his second base arose
(At least as high as other players’ nose)
And forth with bat, in orange-hued array
Against the Tigg’s Verlander came to play.

And in the first, noble Altuve hits
A single, then to second steals, the mitts
And foes’ throws useless, and again useless,
As pitches wild drives hero home hitless.

But Bengals answer, with Avila’s score
In the bottom of the second, Cat’s roar,
And roar again, when in the inning four,
Bengal homers and grasps the higher score.

But noble Wotan, his Astros watching,
From Olympus to his players reaching,
Inspires Altuve to hit to bring Hoes home,
And then from third god-touched quick stealing come.

But watching Venus, Tiger’s goddess whore,
Who in eighth’s top let even up the score,
On errors by Singleton and Villar
And a new game begins for Cats and Stars!

Never again will we see a greater game
Played by short-lived man for another team
With foot and bat upon the grass-green sea
Through extra innings played great Altuve.

But lofty Jose could not bring alone
With 4-for-5, two steals (including home),
Two runs, swiftest feet, and an RBI
The green laurels of winged victory.

And in the tenth was stranded, and so on
To the eleventh frame, pitched close by Downs,
Veras, Qualls, Sipp, Buchanan in relief
But waiting for one run to set us free.

Comes the serviceable catcher Castro,
Service rendered as the backstop Astro,
In golden greaves, breastplate, helmet of war!
Now by the plate lifts up his mighty spear!

And with his flashing god-breathing swing
Hardy’s pitch on a line to center dings!
And in Illium’s plain that sweat-soaked day
Sends Tigers home and Stros to victory.

Astros 6 Braves 1

contributed by Mr. Happy

The Astros rode the power bats of Dominguez and Springer and the right arm of Jared Cosart in downing the ATL 6-1 before 24,474, including NeilT, HudsonHawk, EasTexAstro and Budgirl. The Good Guys opened the scoring by tying the game up in the bottom of the first frame on a two bagger by Jon Singleton, scoring the Altuve. The Astros scored the second run, which would prove to be the game winner, with a rare RBI out of Jesus Guzman.

Meanwhile, Jared Cosart, whose hook was not in its best form in the first few innings and who only struck out two hitters but only walked two, was efficient (102 pitches, 63 for strikes) and induced ten ground ball outs, including two twin killings. Cosart wiggled out of a sticky jam in the top of the seventh, his last frame, by getting a weak pop up and his second strikeout. Josh Zeid, Tony Sipp and old friend and returning Jose Veras finished up.

The Astros added four insurance runs, three in the fifth and one in the seventh, on taters by Matt Dominguez and George Springer (his 15th, yes, a Springer Dinger, MRaup), respectively. Domingo’s blast snapped an 0-23 slump and was a clutch two out home run on a two strike pitch. Springer’s homer was a blast to left center field. Despite a 1-6 w/RISP, the Astros were fairly efficient yesterday, parlaying eight hits, two free passes and a hit batsman into six runs. Singleton and Altuve each had two knocks, and Altuve stole two sacks for his major league leading 30th stolen base.

The Braves were 0-5 w/RISP and left five on base.

The Game Zone was a bit sparse yesterday as many of the regulars probably had to work. Some of us can multi-task, work, listen/watch and post. Come check us out in the Game Zone as Detroit, winners of seven in a row, fresh off of a sweep of the stRangers (who are losers of eight in a row and only two games up on the Good Guys) invades the Juice Box this weekend for a three game set.

Box

T: 2:52
Att: 24,474
Roof closed

Astros offense goes missing in 4-0 loss to Braves.

contributed by Sphinx Drummond

Man, what happened to the team that was showing up at the plate a couple of weeks ago? The Astros have regressed back to the shitty team they’ve been for the past 4 or 5 years…they’ve been shitty for so long it’s hard to remember the last time they had a good season. Was it 2008? Many, myself included, thought they had finally turned the corner and were edging towards .500 but the team auto-corrected and returned to their normal shitty form. Yes, in spite of the influx of new blood, they’re still shitty.That being said I believe we have seen their shittiest and they are improving, they are getting closer to not being shitty.

Guys with the last name of Wood own the Astros. Anyway, I’m without power to the house, a transformer on the pole blew out. My back-up battery is almost dead, so this is my recap.

Thursday the Astros host the Braves once again in a businessman’s special with a 1:10 CST start time. Jarred Cosart faces off against Mike Minor.

Game Time: 2:33.
Weather: INDOORS
Wind: 0 mph, .
Attendance: 20,559.

Astros 3
Florida Man 1

contributed by NeilT

It’s been a rough week for the Astros, with a series loss to the _____ Rays and a sweep by Washington. There were four losses in a row, which the Astros hadn’t suffered since May of 2014. Keuchel made me feel nauseous with existential uncertainty by pitching lousy, and the bullpen returned to the mean. Now the Stros are back in Florida playing the Billy Ray Florida Men.

But however bad it was to be an Astro, it had to be worse to be a Bobby Ray. Last week the U.S. Patent Office canceled the patent on their name because , as that crazy redneck Florida Man named _____ Ray, they are inherently offensive. It caused quite a kerfuffle in the Beer and Queso thread, with several posters defending their second amendment right to bear stupid names while others exercised their first amendment right to declare the former politically incorrect. As usual, HH’s opinion was completely unclear.

Here are some excellent 2013 Florida man headlines:

Florida Man Assaults Quadriplegic With A Fish

Florida Man Spent Years Posing As DEA Agent Just So He Could Get Into Strip Clubs for Free

Florida Man Caught Throwing Garden Gnome Through Neighbor’s Window; Discovered As Serial Arsonist

Mall Evacuated After Florida Man Sprinkles Wife’s Ashes in Her Favorite LensCrafters

Florida Man Upsets Neighbors After Turning Home Into “Naked Hangout Club”

Trouble-Making Florida Man Moves To Seattle, Keeps Making Trouble

Read more: http://dailycaller.com/2013/12/31/the-best-of-florida-headlines-in-2013/2/#ixzz35H1LXiO4

I hope that last involved a naked men’s yoga class.

As for last night’s game, Cosart threw eight scoreless innings on 109 pitches for his third straight win, giving up 6 hits, two walks, and 2 Ks. He’s now 7-5 for the season.

David Ray Price, now 5-7, took the loss for the Rays, giving up two runs in the 3rd when Altuve scored on George Springer’s 13th homer. Johnny Ray Oviedo replaced David Ray in the 9th and gave up the third run on Villar’s 6th homer. David Ray struck out Kris Karter for his 1000th K. This blurb confused me too, but Carter only has 414 Ks, so it was Price’s 1000th K.

Qualls allowed the one ____ Rays run in the 9th. Eddie Ray Longoria led off the inning and reached on a Villar fielding error. Villar now has 11 errors for the season. On the flip side, this play by Villar in the 7th was Blue Star: http://m.mlb.com/video/v33886037/houtb-villar-barehands-grounder-throws-on-the-run/?query=&game_pk=381639

Eddie Ray advanced to second on a Jimmy Ray Loney soft single, and advanced to third when Benny Ray Zobrist grounded into a force out at second. Yunel Ray Escobar drove in Eddie Ray on a two-out line drive single to right. Ryan Ray Hanigan K’d to end the inning.

Jose Altuve continued to be the player against whom all others are measured by singling in the 1st, 3rd , and 8th. That’s 101 hits for the season, and I don’t know how many multi-hit games. Castro doubled in the 2nd, and caught Sean Ray Rodriguez stealing in 8th. Fowler got on twice with walks. Springer hit his 13th Springer Dinger.

Rays 5 Astros 0

contributed by Mr. Happy

When you go 3-30 on the night with 12 Ks and 0-4 w/RISP, you’re more than likely going to get white washed, and that’s exactly what happened to the Good Guys last night. This putrid effort, which dropped the ball club to ten games below .500, wasted a serviceable six innings out of McHugh. The incredible Jose Altuve led the way with two knocks and a stolen sack, and George Springer had the other hit, all of which were singles.

McHugh surrendered four hits and two unearned runs, while striking out six. The score got out of reach when one P. Clemens came in and gave up four hits, two of which left the yard, and three earnies in but one frame of work, if you can call it that.

The club has now lost four in a row, and I see signs of bad habits returning. Tonight’s game will be pivotal, as Jarred Cosart goes to the bump to face the mighty left arm of David Price in another rematch game since these two faced each other in the last start for each of them. Come visit us in the Game Zone.

Box

T: 3:06.
Att: 10,880.