Crawling From The Wreckage

Posted on May 9, 2009 by Dark Star in Game Recaps

Saturday May 9, 2009

Astros 5, Padres 4

WP: Hawkins (1-0) LP: Gregerson (0-3)

HOUSTON (SnS) – The Houston Astros overcame their sputtering offense, a combustible bullpen, and their clueless manager to hang on and defeat the abject loser San Diego Padres for the second night in a row, this time 5-4 before another sub-30,000 weekend crowd in the Juice Can. Carlos Lee and Miguel Tejada saved manager Cecil Cooper’s ass after a fucking embarrassing mental meltdown in the eighth inning, when a series of scary-bad bullpen choices by Cooper nearly single-handedly sunk his team and handed the Padres an undeserved win.

Speaking of the crowd, after some of this lackluster collection of Astros followers booed San Diego manager Bud Black for making a pitching change mid-at bat in the eight inning, like it was against the rules or something (and after their own skipper had made about 15 trips to the hill in the top half of the inning), local observers were heard to comment that it was just as well the Astros attendance is apparently plummeting faster than the commodities market, and it would probably have been better if only 10,000 or so screaming idiots had showed up.

In this middle game of this middling series, the Astros sent out recently banged up righty Brian Moehler (0-2, 14.00) against San Diego’s Kevin Correia (0-2, 5.92), a former SF Giant and Russ Ortiz wannabe. The game started off much as Friday’s contest, with two cumbersome, hapless offenses struggling mightily to suck at least somewhat less than the other.

Observations:
1.) The Padres uniforms don’t do it for me. Have the Padres ever had nice-looking uniforms? The pants, which I guess are light gold, look dingy white. I keep expecting this woman to show up.

2.) San Diego fans call 3B Kevin Kouzmanoff “The Crushin’ Russian” (things are relative in SD – The CR is currently hitting .230 with 1 HR), even though he is not Russian. He is Macedonian. Actually, he is from Newport Beach, CA, but you get my drift. Anyway, Padre fans probably think “Macedonian? Russian? Same thing, what’s the big deal?” I’ll bet the Macedonians could answer that. I have been trying to come up with a better name for Kouzmanoff, but I am not doing too well. All I’ve come up with so far is “The Macedonian Milquetoast” or “The Balkan Bust”.

3.) Watching Pence every night, I have been trying to think of the last successful player who also looked so fucking goofy all the time. There has probably been someone since, but one I thought of was Kent Tekulve, longtime Pirate reliever from a couple of decades ago. There was another player from around then named George Theodore, but he was really just a utility guy. Who Gunther really reminds me of is the geeky little dude from Sixteen Candles. . . as I recall he struck out a lot, too.

Anyway, back to the game. There was not much to choose between Moehler and Correia through the first five innings. Both allowed 2 hits and 0 runs.

The Padres broke through in the sixth, putting up a one-spot. Moehler, who had helped himself by knocking down a David Eckstein comebacker in the first, saved himself from further damage in this inning by starting a pretty 1-6-3 double play with men on 1st and 3rd, one out, and Adrian Gonzalez at the plate.

The Astros answered in the bottom of the inning, scoring a couple of runs on an RBI single by El Caballo and a sacrifice fly by Miguel Tejada.

Meanwhile, Moehler was pitching a gutty game, in only his second MLB start since coming off the disabled list. He worked out of another jam in the seventh by emphatically striking out Luis Gonzalez with men on 2nd and 3rd and two outs.

The Astros added an insurance run in the bottom of the 7th, and Moehler was clearly spent, so who does Cooper bring in to preserve the lead? LaTroy Hawkins, who had utterly shut down the Padres (on 11 pitches) in the 9th Friday night? No. Chris Sampson, he of the 1.89 ERA, who had pitched 3 strong innings Friday? No, but Sampson probably couldn’t go, anyway. Who Cooper did bring in was the hapless Geoff Geary, who tried to give away the lead almost immediately, by giving up a ringing double to pinch-hitter/hometown hero Chris Burke, and then leaving one up for Brian Giles, who drove it high and deep and about six feet to the right of the RF foul pole. Geary recovered from that long enough to retire Giles on a grounder, moving Burke to third. Then he surrendered a single to Eckstein, and it was 3-2. Cooper went out and got Geary, and brought in Alberto Arias, who looked good striking out Scott Hairston.

With two outs now and Adrian Gonzalez coming up, and Arias looking cocky and fired up out there, Cooper went out again and, doing his best Tony LaRussa impression, brought in lefty specialist Wesley Wright to face the lefty Gonzalez. Wright, who up to that point had held left-handed hitters to a paltry .471 batting average this season, promptly gave up a single to Gonzalez. Then Cooper brought in Hawkins, who didn’t do much better, giving up the go-ahead runs on a Chase Headly double that scored both Eckstein and Gonzalez.

So, bottom of the eighth, down 4-3, and the Astros are facing some nondescript Padre reliever. Bourn and Pence walked; then, after a wild pitch, Carlos Lee drove in Bourn with a single to right, and Tejada plated Pence on an infield grounder.

With the lead back in hand, The Hawk went out in the ninth and shut down the Padres to earn the vultured win. The only rent in the fabric was another solid double to left by Burke, who apparently was intent on delivering a resounding “Fuck you” to all his Houston critics. Well, great game, Burke. And, oh yeah, you lost, asshole.

Lance Berkman missed his second straight game with a sore wrist. It is hoped some combination of Darrin Erstadt, Jimmy Wynn, and Mahatma Ghandi can replace Berkman’s bat in the lineup until he recovers.

“Severely disappointed”

Posted on May 9, 2009 by pravata in News You Can Use

Footer asks, “Lance, have you lost your confidence? ”

“Absolutely,”

Gotta Cheer Up Now

Posted on May 8, 2009 by Dark Star in Game Recaps

Friday May 8, 2009

Astros 2, Padres o

WP: Rodriguez (3-2) LP: Gaudin (0-2) SV: Hawkins (4)

HOUSTON(SnS) — The woeful Houston Astros, nearly bereft of offense and with a blown out bullpen, a shaky starting staff, and a manager with the foresight of a fruit fly, hung on to edge the even woefuller San Diego Padres here Friday night in the Juice Can, 2-0

Before a considerably less than sellout crowd of 28,000, give or take, it was Wanderful Rodriguez (2-2, 2.19), Houston’s best starter, vs. the Padres’ Chad Gaudin (0-1, 5.06), a good Catholic boy from New Orleans who looks like your average white supremicist nitwit from Bumfuck, Idaho.

Wandy got off to a shaky couple of innings to start out, working out of jams in both the first (thanks to another Michael Bourn circus catch on the hillside in center field) and second innings. After that, though, the diminutive Houston lefty settled into the ol’ rocking chair, and just started dealing. The Friars are not exactly an offensive powerhouse (.216 team batting average going in); after the early difficulties, Rodriguez retired the next 16 San Diego hitters in a row. Gaudin, meanwhile, was nearly as good, mixing an assortment or riding sliders and teasing fastballs to hold the punchless Astros, tonight featuring a Berkman-less batting order, scoreless through four.

At one point, FSSW TV viewers were treated to an interview, by correspondent Patti Smith, with a bunch of sorority babes from A&M who were following the game intently from the stands, festooned in pink sweatshirts that siginified something or other. Don’t get me wrong, the sorority spokesgirl explained what they were doing there, I just couldn’t make any sense of it. At one point, she said, “Well, we’re Zetas,” like I should know what that means. Actually, I do know what that used to mean, but it’s probably not something you’d want to advertise on national regional television.

Down on the field, the game continued apace. The Astros finally broke through in the fifth inning. Pudge Rodriguez got hit by a pitch leading off. After Wandelicious fucked up a sacrifice bunt attempt, Kaz Matsui drew a walk, then Bourn was retired 3-1 on a very close play at first. So, two outs, men on 2nd and 3rd, and coming to the plate is one Hunter A. Pence, possibly one of the worst choices for third place hitter in the history of Western civilization. Pence!!, who had a flailing strikeout in a similar situation in the third, started off this crucial at bat by swinging wildly at two sliders outside, immediately putting himself in the hole, 0-2. Then amazingly, Pam Gardner’s Wet Dream took three straight similar pitches. . . before swinging at a fourth, which had edged in just a little closer to the plate than the others. He went the other way with it, no doubt against Cecil Cooper’s orders, and snuck a worm-burner between 1st and 2nd, plating the first two runs of the game.

Pence!!, by the way, is currently sporting what he calls a “rally” mohawk hairdo, which presumably helped him in the 5th inning at bat. I don’t know. I do know the mohawk makes him look even more ridiculous than he normally does, which is kind of hard to imagine.

Wandy, meanwhile, continued to be wonderful. Through eight, he still had the shutout (which was a good thing, because after the little scoring flurry in the fifth, the Astros offense went immediately back into hibernation), but he had logged 116 pitches by then and, even though he still appeared to be throwing free and easy, manager Cooper, going by the book, pulled him. Never mind that the book Cooper goes by is more like a Hunter Thompson novel than anything Connie Mack or Branch Rickey or John J. McGraw ever wrote.

Against the fervent protestations of color commentator Jim DeShaies, among others (I was throwing shit at my TV screen), Cooper brought in LaTroy Hawkins to close things out in the ninth. Thankfully, The Hawk was up to the task, and retired three straight to complete the combined shutout and earn himself a save.

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Full Metal Cooper

Posted on May 8, 2009 by JackAstro in Game Recaps

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Astros 5
FTC Babybears 8

W: Lilly (4-2) | L: Ortiz (2-1)
HR: Yes.

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A hobbled battalion of ballplayers limps across the outfield grass of the Ho Chi Minute Maid Trail at Union Station. Marching behind embattled manager Cecil C. “Coop” Cooper, the squad tries to set aside their fatigue and injuries. The air is thick with the pungent smoke of burned rotator cuffs and scorched elbows.

full-metal-coop-scene

Ahead on the trail, Colonel W.A. “Spack” McGrimm approaches the team, wanting a word with the manager…

MANAGER! WHO IS THAT SITTING ON THE BENCH OVER THERE?

The starting pitcher sir?

WHEN’D YOU PULL HIM?

After two and a third innings, sir.

WHAT IS THAT YOU’VE GOT DOWN THERE IN RIGHT CENTER?

An exhausted, overworked bullpen, sir.

YOU HAVE A WORN OUT BULLPEN, AND YOU YANK YOUR STARTER AT THE BEGINNING OF THE THIRD FUCKING INNING? WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSED TO BE, SOME KIND OF SICK JOKE?

No, sir.

WELL, WHAT’S IT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

I don’t know, sir.

YOU DON’T KNOW VERY MUCH DO YOU?

No, sir.

YOU BETTER GET YOUR HEAD AND YOUR ASS WIRED TOGETHER OR I WILL TAKE A GIANT SHIT ON YOU.

Yes, sir.

NOW ANSWER MY QUESTION, OR YOU’LL BE STANDING TALL BEFORE THE MAN.

I think I was trying to suggest something about keeping pitches in the strike zone.

THE WHAT?

The strike zone. The control thing, sir.

WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON, SON?

Our side, sir.

DON’T YOU LOVE YOUR TEAM?

Yes, sir.

WELL HOW ABOUT GETTING WITH THE PROGRAM? WHY DON’T YOU JUMP ON THE TEAM AND C’MON IN FOR THE BIG WIN?

Yes, sir.

SON, ALL I’VE EVER ASKED OF MY MANAGERS IS FOR THEM TO OBEY COMMON FUCKING SENSE AS THEY WOULD THE WORD OF GOD. WE ARE HERE TO HELP THE ASTROS, BECAUSE INSIDE EVERY PLAYER, THERE IS A FRUSTRATED SONOFABITCH TRYING DESPERATELY TO SUCCEED IN SPITE OF YOU. IT’S A HARDBALL WORLD, SON. WE’VE GOT TO TRY TO KEEP OUR HEADS UNTIL THIS INSANITY CRAZE BLOWS OVER.

Aye aye, sir.

– FIN

Boots in tailpipes