Astros offense goes missing in 4-0 loss to Braves.

contributed by Sphinx Drummond

Man, what happened to the team that was showing up at the plate a couple of weeks ago? The Astros have regressed back to the shitty team they’ve been for the past 4 or 5 years…they’ve been shitty for so long it’s hard to remember the last time they had a good season. Was it 2008? Many, myself included, thought they had finally turned the corner and were edging towards .500 but the team auto-corrected and returned to their normal shitty form. Yes, in spite of the influx of new blood, they’re still shitty.That being said I believe we have seen their shittiest and they are improving, they are getting closer to not being shitty.

Guys with the last name of Wood own the Astros. Anyway, I’m without power to the house, a transformer on the pole blew out. My back-up battery is almost dead, so this is my recap.

Thursday the Astros host the Braves once again in a businessman’s special with a 1:10 CST start time. Jarred Cosart faces off against Mike Minor.

Game Time: 2:33.
Weather: INDOORS
Wind: 0 mph, .
Attendance: 20,559.

Astros 3
Florida Man 1

contributed by NeilT

It’s been a rough week for the Astros, with a series loss to the _____ Rays and a sweep by Washington. There were four losses in a row, which the Astros hadn’t suffered since May of 2014. Keuchel made me feel nauseous with existential uncertainty by pitching lousy, and the bullpen returned to the mean. Now the Stros are back in Florida playing the Billy Ray Florida Men.

But however bad it was to be an Astro, it had to be worse to be a Bobby Ray. Last week the U.S. Patent Office canceled the patent on their name because , as that crazy redneck Florida Man named _____ Ray, they are inherently offensive. It caused quite a kerfuffle in the Beer and Queso thread, with several posters defending their second amendment right to bear stupid names while others exercised their first amendment right to declare the former politically incorrect. As usual, HH’s opinion was completely unclear.

Here are some excellent 2013 Florida man headlines:

Florida Man Assaults Quadriplegic With A Fish

Florida Man Spent Years Posing As DEA Agent Just So He Could Get Into Strip Clubs for Free

Florida Man Caught Throwing Garden Gnome Through Neighbor’s Window; Discovered As Serial Arsonist

Mall Evacuated After Florida Man Sprinkles Wife’s Ashes in Her Favorite LensCrafters

Florida Man Upsets Neighbors After Turning Home Into “Naked Hangout Club”

Trouble-Making Florida Man Moves To Seattle, Keeps Making Trouble

Read more: http://dailycaller.com/2013/12/31/the-best-of-florida-headlines-in-2013/2/#ixzz35H1LXiO4

I hope that last involved a naked men’s yoga class.

As for last night’s game, Cosart threw eight scoreless innings on 109 pitches for his third straight win, giving up 6 hits, two walks, and 2 Ks. He’s now 7-5 for the season.

David Ray Price, now 5-7, took the loss for the Rays, giving up two runs in the 3rd when Altuve scored on George Springer’s 13th homer. Johnny Ray Oviedo replaced David Ray in the 9th and gave up the third run on Villar’s 6th homer. David Ray struck out Kris Karter for his 1000th K. This blurb confused me too, but Carter only has 414 Ks, so it was Price’s 1000th K.

Qualls allowed the one ____ Rays run in the 9th. Eddie Ray Longoria led off the inning and reached on a Villar fielding error. Villar now has 11 errors for the season. On the flip side, this play by Villar in the 7th was Blue Star: http://m.mlb.com/video/v33886037/houtb-villar-barehands-grounder-throws-on-the-run/?query=&game_pk=381639

Eddie Ray advanced to second on a Jimmy Ray Loney soft single, and advanced to third when Benny Ray Zobrist grounded into a force out at second. Yunel Ray Escobar drove in Eddie Ray on a two-out line drive single to right. Ryan Ray Hanigan K’d to end the inning.

Jose Altuve continued to be the player against whom all others are measured by singling in the 1st, 3rd , and 8th. That’s 101 hits for the season, and I don’t know how many multi-hit games. Castro doubled in the 2nd, and caught Sean Ray Rodriguez stealing in 8th. Fowler got on twice with walks. Springer hit his 13th Springer Dinger.

Rays 5 Astros 0

contributed by Mr. Happy

When you go 3-30 on the night with 12 Ks and 0-4 w/RISP, you’re more than likely going to get white washed, and that’s exactly what happened to the Good Guys last night. This putrid effort, which dropped the ball club to ten games below .500, wasted a serviceable six innings out of McHugh. The incredible Jose Altuve led the way with two knocks and a stolen sack, and George Springer had the other hit, all of which were singles.

McHugh surrendered four hits and two unearned runs, while striking out six. The score got out of reach when one P. Clemens came in and gave up four hits, two of which left the yard, and three earnies in but one frame of work, if you can call it that.

The club has now lost four in a row, and I see signs of bad habits returning. Tonight’s game will be pivotal, as Jarred Cosart goes to the bump to face the mighty left arm of David Price in another rematch game since these two faced each other in the last start for each of them. Come visit us in the Game Zone.

Box

T: 3:06.
Att: 10,880.

Astros lose to Nationals 6-5

contributed by Sphinx Drummond

BOX

The Astros’ attempt at a comeback victory was usurped by the Nationals’ own comeback. After falling behind the Nationals by two runs early, the Astros scored four runs in the 4th to take the lead for a couple of innings. Gio Gonzalez was cruising though the first three innings before walking Jose Altuve to open the fourth. He promptly hit George Springer with a pitch and Jon Singleton loaded the bases with a single to center. Matt Dominguez hammered a single to left to score Altuve and Springer. Jason Castro doubled to score Singleton and Domiguez came in on Jonathan Villar’s sacrifice fly.

The Nationals tied the game in the bottom of the 6th inning. The Astros were able to go ahead once again in the seventh on a wild pitch that allowed Robbie Grossman to score from third. However, it was short lived and that lead turned into a two run deficit when the Nationals tacked on three in the bottom of the seventh to seal the scoring for the night.

Scott Feldman started the game and didn’t suck. The same couldn’t be said for the relief pitching, in fact it was the opposite, they did suck. Josh Zeid gave up 3 hits and 3 runs in his inning of work, Downs allowed 1 run on 1 hit and didn’t retire anyone, and Farnsworth blew the save opportunity by allowing the runner he inherited from Downs to score. Tony Sipp is good and did well finishing the game.

Homeboy Anthony Rendon hit his 10th long ball in the seventh, his star is really starting to shine. Thursday the Astros travel to St Petersburg to take on the TBRs. Collin McHugh (4-4) will face off against Chris Archer (3-4) in a 6:10 pm CST game.

WEATHER: 86º, Partly Cloudy
ATTENDANCE: 25,453
GAME TIME: 3:42

Rays 4, Astros 3

Submitted by Reuben

The Astros were hot! I mean literally hottttt! Who could possibly cool them off? Who could even fathom, much less accomplish, the Herculean task of winning a series against them for the first time since May 19-21?!? The absolute worst team in baseball, that’s who. Those losers, the Rays – or, as the common folk call them, when they’re not winning their division over teams with 5 times their payroll, the Devil Rays.

And this game was very devilish indeed. Who else could have convinced Bo Porter that it was a good idea to bring Jerome Williams into a tight game, and leave him there? Satan! Who else could it have been speaking into the headphones of the umpires, telling them to overturn an out call at first base in the 6th inning, prolonging the inning and allowing the tying run to score for the Rays? An umpiring crew in New York, watching video replays? Fool! It was Lucifer himself who reversed that call!

Even the bizarre events of the 8th inning, when Porter sparked mass confusion amongst umpires and announcers alike with his shift of Tony Sipp to left field, were not immune from attempted meddling by the Lord of Darkness, according to the game story on mlb.com:

‘Sipp did touch base with center fielder Dexter Fowler and right fielder George Springer for advice.

“He had me as the angel and [Springer] as the devil saying, ‘Hey if you have to dive for it…’ and I’m saying, ‘Don’t dive,'” Fowler said.’

Fortunately, Sipp did not have to choose between the heavenly guidance and the hellish kind; as the ball was not hit to him while he manned left field. Alas, the damage was already done by that point though, because Porter ignored that sweet golden voice on his other shoulder, the one that said “Farnsworth, Bo! Bring in Farnsworth! Or Qualls! Or Zeid…Jesus H, Bo, bring in the bat boy, anyone but freaking Jerome Williams!”

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Futility Watch: Despite the series loss, the Astros continued their upswing this week, and at present have the 23rd-best record in baseball, 4.5 games better than the #30 Rays, and tiny percentage points ahead of the Mets and Red Sox.

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And lastly, Happy Fathers’ Day to my dad, and all the other dads who visit this site.