Houston’s Astros 8
The Canadien’s Provocateurs 4

contributed by NeilT

Handsomely rugged Texas Ranger Captain Burk Lanceman sat in the secret headquarters of Texas government located deep beneath the Capitol in Austin. Across from him sat the leader of the Lone Star State, Governor General Greg Abbott.

“Are you certain, Captain, certain? Can there really be no doubt?”

Ruggedly handsome Captain Lanceman’s response was deliberate, measured. “There can be no doubt, Governor General. We have tracked transmissions from Toronto to closed WalMarts in Livingston and Midland. The transmissions originate in Ottawa. The Canadian’s plan, known as Jade Helm 15, appears to be for a two-prong attack producing an east-west pincer movement focused on the Capitol.

“Governor, there is no doubt that the internal events at the two closed WalMarts holds the key to the end game of the Canadian’s Jade Helm operations. Jade Helm and WalMart are inextricably linked, and the existing evidence suggests two end game probabilities. After serving as the staging area, the WalMart stores will be processing centers for FEMA camp political prisoners, including the leaders of our Texas government, and will continue on an on-going basis as supply and staging centers for continued mopping-up operations.

“In the past four weeks, I have watched over 100 videos on Jade Helm and Walmart. I have performed what researchers call a qualitative, or a descriptive analysis of the available facts. In performing this task, I have looked for patterns among the recent Walmart closings, because it is clear that the closings coincide with Jade Helm. This constitutes Phase One of the analysis. In Phase Two, the findings from Phase One are correlated to known or strongly suspected events connected to Jade Helm and other areas of concern related to State security. Subsequently, this kind of descriptive analysis can yield strong clues as to the true intent of where Jade Helm is headed and what the WalMart role consists of in conjunction with Jade Helm. There is no doubt that the events are inextricably linked, and that the mastermind behind them is the Canadian.”

“But Captain Lanceman, what can we do!” Governor General Abbott was clearly disturbed.

“We believe that the creation and maintenance of a covert and preplanned covert guerrilla warfare secret undercover force to be secretly and covertly pre-positioned in an area that will then likely be overrun by the invading Canadian forces. Think Viet Cong, only from Quebec. The Canadian’s plan is to “Master the Human Domain” by insertion of stealth forces based upon the use of “infiltration techniques.” The first two purposes of Jade Helm are dissident extraction and martial law to carry out the geographic isolation of troubled areas. The third goal is the popularization of ice hockey.

“Governor General, you must activate Texas’s greatest hope. I have brought you a letter to warn the Texas Brigade.”

Governor General Abbott was clearly astonished. “But Captain Lanceman, the Texas Brigade has not been activated since 1865!”

“Yes Governor General, but they, our greatest patriots, stand ready for this purpose.” Handsomely rugged Captain Lanceman passed the letter to Governor General Abbott.

“To address concerns of Texas citizens and to ensure that Texas communities remain safe, secure and informed about military procedures occurring in their vicinity, I am directing the Texas State Guard to monitor Operation Jade Helm 15. During the training operation, it is important that Texans know their safety, constitutional rights, private property rights and civil liberties will not be infringed.”

***
“Sacre bleu!” cried Senator Cruse, code name the Canadian. “Burk Lanceman has taken the bait! Jean Jacques,” he called to his chief of staff, “bring me tonight’s play-by-play!”

For years the Canadians, plotting against the government in Texas, had raised a super-race of baseball players whose sole purpose was to communicate to inserted Canadian agents the coded plans and schemes of the Canadians. These baseball players, all now on the Toronto Blue Jays, were raised by the Canadian Royal Mounties from birth to play baseball as it had never been played before. No action on the field was random: all was controlled, designed, and communicating play-by-play Toronto’s coded messages.

“Look Jean Jacques, how our brave Canadiens make Keuchel struggle. Four earned runs in only six innings pitched! They are telling us that the Texas government is buying our fake invasion plans!

“And now look, how they allow the bullpen to shut them down! Mon dieu! They are affirming to us that there is no real invasion! Harris, Qualls (yes even Qualls), and Fields! in the 7th, 8th, and 9th are telling us there is no real invasion.

“Now look, here, with home runs by Springer, off Dickey in the 3rd, Altuve (3 RBI) off Dickey in the 5th, with 422 feet, and Valbuena, off Tepera in the 7th! And the two doubles by Tucker off Dickey and the one by Carter in the 2nd! Jean Jacques! They are letting us know that by sending out his letter, the Texans will not be ready when it is time for the real invasion! We have at last destroyed the credibility of our nemesis, Captain Burk Lanceman!”

It had been a brilliant game by the agent provocateurs of the Canadian government. Except for troubled innings by Keuchel, the game had been arranged so that the Texans believed that they were in control, and that things had been played out well. Little did they know that the real invasion, the Canadian invasion, was coming. And the only Texan who could stop it, handsomely rugged Captain Burk Lanceman, had lost his credibility on a Canadian ruse.

Astros 6 Blue Jays 4
WP Fields (2-0)
LP Loup (1-2)
S Qualls (4)

contributed by Mr. Happy

Buttressed by a 3-4 night from Preston Tucker and another 2.2 frames of scoreless relief from the bully, the Good Guys bested Toronto 6-4 before 15,777 last night at MMPUS. While the home nine didn’t reach the seats last night, they doubled their pleasure all night with two-baggers. Indeed, five of the eight Astro hits were doubles. Eight and nine in the order was 4-7 with three doubles and three ribbies. Loup was pretty bad last night, not only blowing a save but getting hung with the big L. He didn’t retire any of the four hitters he faced in the seventh inning.

How long will the Hinchman continue to stick with K’ing Chris Carter? He’s so lost that he doesn’t know where he is lost from. Will the Astros continue to play batting average limbo with Carter? He’s at .150 now. How low can it go?

Carmonandez pitched about as well as he can last night (six hits and four earnies). He got off to a rough start in the top of the first frame when both Joey Bats and Edwin Encarnacion took him way out of the yard. About the best you can say about his pitching performance last night was that he ate up 6.1 innings. If, and this is a big if, the Astros can indeed contend in 2015, I don’t think that it will be Carmonandez who pitches in that four all year. I know that young phenom Lance McCullers, Jr. was just moved up to Fresno. I’ll be watching his starts there with great interest, because he could be in the equation in August or September.

Despite scoring six runs, which has been difficult lately, the hitters really didn’t have a very good night. Collectively, the Astros were only 8-31. The only two players who had multi-hit games were the Piranha (big surprise-who also had two stolen bags) and Tucker. Strikeouts continue to plague the Good Guys, as they collected 13 more last night. Marisnick, who’s been very cold lately, earned a golden sombrero in the leadoff spot. However, for all of their shortcomings at the dish, the Astros continue to shine in the field. The club again had no errors, and the infield notched three twin killings. The pitcher’s best friend indeed.

All in all, it’s another W, but I really like it because it was another come-from-behind win. I just don’t think that the ball club would have won this type of game even a year ago. Let’s hope that they keep winning.

Giants 8, Astros 1
W: Heston, L: McHugh

mlb recap and box
gamezone

So, the Astros lost again. They are 7 games over .500 and 4 games in first. You may think I should still be hopeful, but I kind of am not. I did notice this current streak of playing shitty baseball and only winning 2 out of the last 8 games is almost the complete opposite of the 10 game win streak they had earlier this year. So many people were wanting to trade for more pitching and let’s call Correa up, etc. Well, I think this season is somewhere in between the 10 game win streak and the 2 wins in 8 games column. This team has potential to be amazing and it also have the potential to stink up a bathroom.

What brought on this kind of thinking you probably are not wondering. Well, this morning as I’m walking into the office, I pass one guy that says bring up Correa and I just smile and keep going. Correa is not going to turn this team into the 10 game win streak type of team alone. Yes, he may help, but one player a team does not make. I believe this team will have offensive woes as long as they continue to lead the league in strike outs (1st in AL, 2nd in MLB). If you put the ball in play then you at least have a chance it will drop for a hit or the fielder throws it away. But standing there taking pitches or swings and misses does not help.

I guess I’m tired of their bad baseball of late. I believe I know what this team really is and I rather hope what I believe is wrong (in a good way for the team). I just want them to play good solid baseball. I want half the strike outs and error free play. Is that really too much to ask?

Astros 3 Halos 2
WP: Neshek (3-0)
LP: Street (2-1)
S: Gregerson (7)

contributed by Mr. Happy

In what was for me the most satisfying win of the young season, the Astros erupted for three runs in the top of the ninth frame against Huston Street, a top-shelf closer, in Anaheim to hang an L on Mr. Street. The Good Guys were held scoreless for eight innings by starter Hector Santiago and two relievers. Clinging to a 2-0 lead, the Halos turned the game over to Huston Street for the top of the ninth.

Colby Rasmus greeted Mr. Street with a line drive single to RF. Chris Carter woke up in time to line a single to LF, moving Rasmus to 2B. After a typical flyout by Castro the Astro, Jake Marisnick lined an RBI single to LF, which scored Rasmus and moved Robbie Grossman, who had been inserted as a pinch-runner for Carter, to 2B. Preston Tucker picked a very opportune time to collect his first big league hit, scoring Grossman and moving Marisnick to 3B, with Tucker taking 2B on the throw. After walking Jonathan Villar to load the sacks, this brought the Piranha to the plate with ducks on the pond. Facing a 1-2 count, Altuve was given another snake, but made contact and grounded it to 2B, scoring Marisnick with the lead run. At this point, the Halos put the hook on Mr. Street, but it was too late. Luke Gregerson got up and down in order in the ninth to save the game.

It was a meager output for the high-octane offense, consisting of six hits. No Astro had a multi-hit game. Yet it was enough. This is a very important win for a few reasons. For starters, it’s on the road and is against a division rival. Secondly, it breaks a short losing streak. Third, it is a come-from-behind win. I don’t think that the club could have come back in recent years. This team believes that it can win every game and is never out of it. That’s exactly the attitude that you want.

Once again, the good pitching returned to the scene, led by Collin McHugh’s 7.1 innings of five hit two run ball, followed up by what is quickly becoming a lockdown bully.

This brought home a win by Waldo, who took in the game and who observed in the GZ that the front-running Halos fans headed for the exits after Altuve’s RBI groundout. Speaking of the Game Zone, come see us. However, if you do, bring it strong or STFU.