Astros 10
King Felix 1/3

Gee but it’s great to be back home
Home is where I want to be.
I’ve been on the road so long my friend,
And if you came along
I know you couldn’t disagree.

It’s the same old story, yeah
Everywhere I go,
I get slandered, libeled,
I hear words I never heard in the Bible
And I’m one step ahead of the shoe shine
Two steps away from the county line
Just trying to keep my customers satisfied,
Satisfied.

Paul Simon

submitted by Neil T

It was the second largest crowd of the season.

Here’s HH’s summary of the first inning from the Game Zone: “Astros send 12 men to the plate and score 8 runs in the first, beat the living shit out of King Felix.” Hinch also summarized it, as reported on MLB.Com: “[P]robably one of our best innings of the year.” Well duh.

Altuve led off with a single, Tucker walked, Springer hit an RBI double, Gattis reached on an FC scoring Tucker and Springer on an E1. There was a coaching visit to the mound. Astros 3, King Felix Fish Wranglers 0.

Rasmus walks and then, unbelievably, Correa Kd, and I was there to see it. Valbueno Valbuengoed, leading the club now with Home Runs with 13. Astros 5, King Felix Pond Scum 0.

With one out Carter hit a hard single to left and Castro followed with the second home of the inning. King Felix took his neck tat and went home. Astros 8, King Felix gone. According to the tv guys, it was only the second time Felix had been run in 1/3rd inning. It was very satisfying.

That was pretty much the game, but there was some other stuff of interest. Correa homered in the second, and it was about what you’d expect. The heavens parted and a white dove descended: the usual stuff for Correa. Carter homered in the 5th. Everybody hit (except for Marisnick who had 2 at-bats for Springer), but only Carter had multiple hits with a single and a HR.

And the Sucky Sea Slugs were shut out by Oberholtzer, who allowed only four singles and three walks, and Thatcher in the 9th. Oberholtzer was very good.

The only bad news was Altuve came out in the 2nd after trying to beat a grounder to second. “Hamstring twinge,” according to the TV. If they played like this every night Jim R wouldn’t have to put up with our bitching.

Astros 1, Chi Sox 3
W: Sale, L: McMullers, S: Robertson

GameZone
MLB recap

Well, the anticipated start for Mr. Carlos Correa was nice. He got an RBI single and made some spectacular plays in the field. Unfortunately, he was the only Astro on the night to get an RBI.

Hinch had little choice but to start Marwin and Villar in this game, luckily neither at SS. I like Marwin, I have no problem with him. Villar on the other hand, I would not be upset if he was traded. I’m sure he is a nice guy and dances well, but at this point I am not sure what value he’s adding.

Honestly, this team had been playing the way I was expecting at the start of the season. I have loved the run they’ve made so far this season, but I think the league is starting to catch up with them. I would love for them to prove me wrong, but they are going to have to get some hits – and not just homeruns.

I do believe they are more than a pitcher away from the playoffs.

But hey, Mr. Correa is here and so far, I like him a lot.

Invaders 6
Patriots 2, but the Patriots win

submitted by Neil T.

“No! No! I say it again, No! Jean Jacques!” Senator Ted Cruz, the Canadian, screamed at his chief of staff. “This is not right! Jade Helm was a ruse! But our Blue Jays have signaled that the Canadian troops are to proceed to the Walmart in Midland! Merde! Merde!”

***
Standing outside Rogers Centre, deep in the heart of enemy territory in Toronto, handsomely rugged Texas Ranger Captain Berk Lanceman lowered the brim of his Stetson and smiled. It had taken him three days to reach Toronto, flying first to Seattle, crossing to Vancouver as a fuzz pedal delivery boy, crossing by train to Banff dressed as an elderly train aficionado, then hitching a ride on a poutain truck bound for Toronto. No one knew he was here, and no one would know. He adjusted the collar of his ranch duster so that his ruggedly handsome features couldn’t be seen.

It had come to him days before: the incredibly talented Toronto Blue Jays were losing, and there was theoretically no better line-up in baseball. With the work of the Austin high tech community, and a sophomore computer science major from the University of Houston, he had cracked the code that the Blue Jays had used to transmit messages to the American agents of Canadian aggression.

And then he had enlisted the aid of those great patriots, the Houston Astros.

He clicked the heels of his Lucheses three times and wished for home.

***
Always sure of himself, the Canadian pirouetted in despair. How could Roberto Hernandez do this? Lay up pitches for five runs in the bottom of the third? Our Blue Jays were supposed to score nothing! And Hernandez forced two home runs!

Then the bottom of the sixth! The brilliant Altuve gets both an assist and an error when Carter clearly lets the runner knock the ball from his glove! Mon dieux!

And finally, the Astros get a run in the ninth from the Communist Castro’s home run after the Astros offense had combined for only three runs, making Sanchez look brilliant! Nothing else mattered in this game, Jade Helm 15 was launched! Villar and Springer singled, then Villar scored on a throwing error! But it was too little too late, and the damage was done!

***
Below the Oklahoma border, off highway 287, an American patriot, a member of the Texas Brigade, posted the following on the Texas Brigade secret network:

“Saw two strange looking Helicopters flying west in tandem near Kirkland on 287..had the tail rotors high and had some what looked like cameras or ??? hanging under them…military gray in color…”

Astros rookie starter picks up second win and first complete game

WP: McCullers (2 – 0)
LP: Gonzalez (5 – 4)

submitted by Sphinx Drummond

BOX

Gamezone

Backed-up by three solo home runs Lance McCullers was all the Astros needed on the mound Wednesday night. The rookie right-hander allowed only four hits and no walks, struck out 11 batters, and went the distance for his first complete game and second major league victory. After surrendering a single with two outs in the ninth, manager A. J. Hinch made a mound visit to check on the status of his young pitcher, to see if he had enough left in the tank to finish the game. Lance assured him he did. And he was right.

All the Astros runs were supplied by solo home runs, two by Chris Carter ( 9 & 10 ), who has climbed above the Mendoza line, and one by George Springer ( 8 ). In the process of smacking two dingers Carter increased his RBI total to 29 putting him ahead of Altuve for second most on the team. Gattis leads with the team with 36 RBI.

Baltimore starter Miguel Gonzalez struck out eight and allowed just four hits, in 6 2/3 innings as the Orioles dropped their fifth straight.

The Astros are off to the best start in franchise history with an American League-best 34-20 record. With Jose Altuve’s average slipping, all the Astros regular hitters are now batting in the .200s except Valbuena who is still hitting below .200. The bullpen got another valuable night off.

Thursday’s game is a businessman’s special with a 2:10 pm CST Baltimore sends Wei-YinChen (1-4, 3.21 ERA) to face off against Dallas Keuchel (7-1, 1.76 ERA) and if Keuchel is up to task, maybe the bully gets another day off.

Attendance – 20305
Game Time – 2:14
Temperature – 84