Invaders 6
Patriots 2, but the Patriots win
submitted by Neil T.
“No! No! I say it again, No! Jean Jacques!” Senator Ted Cruz, the Canadian, screamed at his chief of staff. “This is not right! Jade Helm was a ruse! But our Blue Jays have signaled that the Canadian troops are to proceed to the Walmart in Midland! Merde! Merde!”
***
Standing outside Rogers Centre, deep in the heart of enemy territory in Toronto, handsomely rugged Texas Ranger Captain Berk Lanceman lowered the brim of his Stetson and smiled. It had taken him three days to reach Toronto, flying first to Seattle, crossing to Vancouver as a fuzz pedal delivery boy, crossing by train to Banff dressed as an elderly train aficionado, then hitching a ride on a poutain truck bound for Toronto. No one knew he was here, and no one would know. He adjusted the collar of his ranch duster so that his ruggedly handsome features couldn’t be seen.
It had come to him days before: the incredibly talented Toronto Blue Jays were losing, and there was theoretically no better line-up in baseball. With the work of the Austin high tech community, and a sophomore computer science major from the University of Houston, he had cracked the code that the Blue Jays had used to transmit messages to the American agents of Canadian aggression.
And then he had enlisted the aid of those great patriots, the Houston Astros.
He clicked the heels of his Lucheses three times and wished for home.
***
Always sure of himself, the Canadian pirouetted in despair. How could Roberto Hernandez do this? Lay up pitches for five runs in the bottom of the third? Our Blue Jays were supposed to score nothing! And Hernandez forced two home runs!
Then the bottom of the sixth! The brilliant Altuve gets both an assist and an error when Carter clearly lets the runner knock the ball from his glove! Mon dieux!
And finally, the Astros get a run in the ninth from the Communist Castro’s home run after the Astros offense had combined for only three runs, making Sanchez look brilliant! Nothing else mattered in this game, Jade Helm 15 was launched! Villar and Springer singled, then Villar scored on a throwing error! But it was too little too late, and the damage was done!
***
Below the Oklahoma border, off highway 287, an American patriot, a member of the Texas Brigade, posted the following on the Texas Brigade secret network:
“Saw two strange looking Helicopters flying west in tandem near Kirkland on 287..had the tail rotors high and had some what looked like cameras or ??? hanging under them…military gray in color…”