By Craig Elliott

Well now, the coronation didn’t proceed as expected. While the Co-Ards were posing for TV cameras and next year’s figurines, Roy Oswalt stomped on their dicks and evened up the series. And now everyone comes back to Houston for a good Rogering.

Roger Clemens pitching at home on Saturday – what are the odds? After last weekend’s amazing performance, I’m guessing the crowd will be pleased to see him again. Congratulations to those who get to go in person; I hope it’s louder than a boat ride with the Minnesota Vikings.

When:
Saturday, October 15, 3:00 p.m. CDT – Fox

Where: MMPUS

I’ve never paid much attention to the uniform rotation and which jersey gets worn on which day. But it seems like the red jersey/black cap combo is working, and I hope they stick with it.

By the way, to those in attendance today, please remember that the louder you cheer, the more you’ll drown out Fox?s fuckwit broadcast team. I would love to hear bedlam instead of Steve Lyon’s Woody Woodpecker laugh. Or maybe it’s that other guy. One of those fucking idiots.

Read More

By Craig Elliott

Oh well, we gotta shake off the crappy game and put it behind us like yesterday’s Mets. What’s done is done. With a win today we can even things up before the series moves to Minute Maid.

But man oh man, it’s going to be a long, brutal series – and I’m just talking about the Fox broadcast team. Those guys couldn’t count their own balls, much less strikes.

When:
Thursday, October 13, 7:00 p.m. CDT – Fox

Where: Busch Stadium

I don’t know who will throw out the ceremonial first pitch today, but I’m pretty sure Lance Berkman will take a swing at it and ground weakly to second. Or maybe they’ll just roll the first pitch up there and let Tim McClelland call it a strike.

Read More

By Craig Elliott

Now that the Astros have eliminated the entire NL East, and the Jakes performed a mercy killing on the pathetic NL West, we can finally get back down to business. A best-of-seven series with the fucking shitbird Jakes.

But this time we’ve got Starin’ Andy on the hill in Game One, and the Astros are riding that wave of Holy Fucking Shit. It’s hard to believe we got not one, but THREE more Great Astro Homers in one game. All in the 8th inning or later. And Bobby Cox had to watch every fucking one of them.

Meanwhile, the Jakes destroyed the Padres and have been laser-focused on getting back to the World Series this year. Or at least that’s what their website says. (Do you guys realize that when I write these previews, I have to go to the other team’s website and root around in the muck? I walk in the shit so you don?t have to.)

Anyway, we’re back for the rematch and a long-ass series, so put on your good-luck gear and clear the living room. It’s League Championship time, and Houston Astros baseball is on the air!

When:
Wednesday, October 12, 7:00 p.m. CDT – Fox/FX

Where: Old ‘n Busted Busch Stadium

We all knew that a successful Astros playoff run would go through Busch, and now it’s time to knock that fucker down and piss on the stinking rubble. We just need to make sure we don’t leave Lance Berkman out there still wandering the bases.

There’ll be a sea of bright red fans for the next two days, so I’ll just mention the same thing I said last year at this time, because it’s oddly comforting. Somewhere today, maybe even at Busch, there are St. Louis fans wearing my farts. Because whenever I’m at the St. Louis airport, I make it a point to accidentally back my ass into the rack of Co-Ard T-shirts, and leave a little sump’n sump’n.

And by the way, if any St. Louis fans are reading this, I always anoint the shirts that are solid red. Hope you don’t have any of those.

Read More

By Craig Elliott

Alright, alright, alright, we’ve got the Babyshit Braves on the chopping block and Scrap Iron is sharpening the axe. And I don’t mean one of those pussy tomahawks either. I mean a big-ass double-bladed headsman’s axe. Let’s have no return trip to Atlanta this year; just chop their fucking heads off and send ’em back on ice.

Roy Oswalt had a masterful performance Saturday, despite getting rattled by the cheesedick umpiring early in the game. But after that it was pure Roy, and the huge bats of Ensberg, Lamb, and Biggio.

These Babydick Braves are cute and all, but their run ends here. It’s time to show the killer instinct and put these guys down. Do it right now, and only one team flies back to Atlanta tonight.

When:
Sunday, October 9, 12:00 p.m. CDT – ESPN, KNWS

Where: MMPUS

Good crowd Saturday, but there sure were a lot of stretches when you could hear a pin drop. Maybe they were all being nice like the Chronicle said to. I hope the place is so loud today that Hudson’s chin pubes curl.

And what’s up with that? Tim Hudson has a vagina patch growing under his fat lip. Maybe he’s trying to shape it into home plate or something, but it ain’t working. Call it Chin Muzak.

Read More

By Craig Elliott

I guess it was inevitable that we’d get beaten by Some Fucking Rookie once in the series, but a second-inning curtain call? I’m surprised Chipmunk didn’t get one in the ear after that.

Anyway, we’re back in Houston with homefield advantage, and there’s no reason to go back to Atlanta. With two wins we can wrap it up at home, and send this pack of hayseed fuckwits back to the doublewide.

This is the crucial game of the series, and we’ve got Roy going up against a guy we’ve hardly seen before. We let Smoltz stay in the game way too long Thursday, so some early runs today could be key. The earlier we can chase Sosa and start busting up the bullpen, the better.

When:
Saturday, October 8, 6:30 p.m. CDT – Fox, KNWS

Where: MMPUS

Home sweet home. Fuck the drizzly-ass Ted and its miserable tomahawk chumps. Minute Maid with the roof closed is more like it. And remember, whenever you see a fucking bandwaggoner with a Braves hat at Minute Maid, that’s a ticket that one of us could have had.

Those of you who are fortunate enough to be going to the games this weekend, remember that you’re representing a lot of us. I’d give Foghorn’s nut to be at one of these games. So when you’re cheering for Roy, or Bidge, or Bagwell, or when you’re yelling filthy shit at Bobby Cox, go ahead and yell a little louder. You’re speaking for me too. But if you touch a live ball and cost the Astros a run, I never heard of you.

Read More

The Ted Gets a Good Rogering

By Craig Elliott

Christ, I didn’t know the Braves’ uniforms came in Candyass Red. Those things are uglier than an Otis Nixon Look-Alike Contest. Maybe that’s the color you have to wear when you go deer-hunting in Georgia.

Anyway, nevermind the Braves’ poor fashion sense, because Andy Pettitte shut ’em down and Morgan Ensberg had 19 singles in a huge win Wednesday.

It was only a first step, to be sure. But every journey starts better when you kick the Braves right in the nuts. The Astros had more singles Wednesday than a Vegas stripper on Dollar Lap Dance Night, and the worst part is that it could have been 20 runs instead of 10. So we’ll pick those up today.

As I mentioned in the Gamezone, I had my own surreal battle with adverse conditions to watch Game One. We’re fixing up our house to sell, and we’ve had handymen crawling all over, hammering on things and scaring the cats. And Wednesday was the day to paint the living room.

So we pushed all the shit into the middle of the room, and told the painters to be careful of the electrical cords. I had to sit about 3 feet away from a 32-inch HDTV, with my computer monitor squeezed in between. Plus, the paint fumes were thick, and one of the painters was a Braves fan. During the eighth inning he decided we needed to unplug the TV so he could paint around the wall socket. So I helpfully provided a play-by-play from the computer.

But that was yesterday’s game, and we can’t get cocky. A stumble tonight makes it a three-game series. On the other hand, an Astros’ victory means the Braves are on the ropes with Roy Oswalt climbing onto the turnbuckle.

When:
Thursday, October 6, 7:00 p.m. CDT – Fox

Where: The Edifice of Greed

Everyone probably gets to rest another day, because this one’s going to be a rainout. Tropical Storm Tammy has moved in next door, and everybody’s gettin’ some. Wear a raincoat.

Read More