Picking on the Pirates is a lot like farting in church: you know you shouldn’t do it, but it’s just too much fun to stop. The Buccos have been awful for so long that the last time they were any good, most of their current roster was watching Ninja Turtles. Thus, pointing out how bad they are is abusing a deceased equine in the worst way. But the fact is, they’re awful, and they’re not getting any better.
A series win over the Co-ards to start the season, and a split with the Reds make the Pirates a strong candidate for that one team each year that gets a special segment on SportsCenter about how they’re surprising everyone in April and “they may be frisky enough to make the playoff picture”. The next step of this process is the team falling apart like a Plymouth Reliant on May 1st, and the baseball world righting itself. This will mark the final time all season the SportsCenter acknowledges that Pittsburgh has a baseball team, unless Jack Wilson begins dating Alyssa Milano or gets traded to the Yankees. Or both. Bottom line: the Pirates have been in the cellar so long, they’re starting to resemble a Mason jar of pickled beets.
The Mud and Blood have struggled out of the gate against strong opponents (Chicago and St. Louie), and some Vitamin P might be just what the doctor ordered. However, the games still have to be played, and they’d be remiss to sleep on these Pirates, as bad as they might be. Coop has also promised to rotate in some of the reserves during this series, which might be just the shot in the arm that this lineup needs. Then again, given Cooper’s lineup-making prowess, we could see Quintero leading off.
On the tee-vee:
Monday, April 13, 12:35pm – FSN
Wednesday, April 15, 6:05pm – my20
Thursday, April 16, 11:35am – FSN
Projected Matchups from Astros.com
Monday
Brian Moehler (0-1, 37.80 (seriously)) v. Zach Duke (1-0, 1.42)
Moehler has a chance to rebound from a jinxed outing against the Scrubs that saw him lit up like a pinball machine. Unfortunately, he’s been hit well by the Pirates in past meetings: Nate McLouth is 6-11 against him, and Adam LaRoche has hit .364 with 6 RBI vs. Moehler.
Duke is one of the stronger arms (literally and figuratively) on the Bucs staff, but he’s had very little success against the Astros in the past. He’s 1-4 for his career against us, and has been hit well by the Puma (.300), El Caballo (.318) and Pence (.333), though he’s never given up a homer to a current Astro. I think it’s time to change that.
Tuesday
Everyone goes a little crazy while stuck in Pittsburgh on an off day.
Wednesday
Mike Hampton (0-1, 5.40) v. Ross Ohlendorf (0-1, 3.00)
Hampton’s Hams didn’t have much to oink about after the prodigal son’s return to Houston; three runs over five innings and an early exit were not what we were hoping for out of the former All-Star, but we’re taking an optimistic approach to this start, given that Hampton tends to beat the Bucs like a rented mule when they match up; he’s 10-3 for his career, and owns Jack Wilson (.111, some sobbing in the dugout) and Ramon Vasquez (.143 and rocking back and forth silently, staring at his bat).
Ohlendorf is a Princeton man, and you know what they say about Princeton men. (If you know what they say, please let us know. We only have Harvard and T-sip jokes here.) He’s a converted reliever, and while he had a strong showing in his first start against the Co-ards, there’s reason for hope. Namely, Miggy eats his lunch (.667), Bourn gets on base against him (.429) and of course Berkman, who puts up preposterous numbers against him, including a 1.600 slugging percentage (to go with .600 BA and 2.200 OPS). Time to remind Ohlendorf that the best college in New Jersey…is still in New Jersey.
Thursday
Russ Ortiz (no starts yet this year, 110-82 career) v. Jeff Karstens (0-0, 5-11 career)
Time for our first glimpse of Russ Ortiz during this series. As part of the continuing Let’s Put Together A Team That Looks Awesome on Paper (2001 Edition) plan, the ‘stros brought in Ortiz on a look-see deal before Spring Training, and he impressed sufficiently to be named the fifth starter. Ortiz is 8-1 for his career against the Bucs, with a respectable 3.21 ERA. He’s been hit well by Jack Wilson (.421), Nate McLouth (.667) and Ryan Doumit (.500); however, McLouth and Doumit were (scientifically speaking) fetuses the last time that Ortiz faced them, and the samples sizes are pretty small. Russ is strong against Chris Gomez (.100) and Freddy Sanchez (.200). He hasn’t faced much of the rest of the Pirates roster, owing to his 2008 absence and the fact that those players were all in high-A ball last year.
Red Raider Karstens is a ground ball pitcher who came up in the Yankees organization, and (much like Ortiz) is making his first start of the season this week. He’s coming off a weak spring, but you don’t exactly have to be the second coming of Cy Young to be the fifth starter for Pittsburgh. Hell, last year’s fifth starter was a fan who won a contest on opening day by sitting in the right section of PNC Park at the right time. Owing to his past stint in the Bronx, the only ‘stros to face him are former AL players, including Tejada, Keppinger, and Erstad. Erstad is perfect for his career against him, while the other two haven’t registered a hit yet.
Good Guys – Aaron Boone is out for the season (shot through the heart, you’re to blame). Brandon Backe was joined on the 15-day DL by Doug Brocail, who’s been struggling with a sore shoulder. Much like most other 41 year olds, a little rest and some time in front of the tv should mend Brocail just fine. Everyone else is healthy, which takes away that excuse for the poor offensive performance at Shitty Beer Stadium this weekend.
Pirates – Phil Dumatrait (an actual, real baseball player) is pulling a Backe and taking an “extended spring training” on the DL to overcome some injuries. However, his injuries did not come at the loving hands of Galveston’s Finest.
Additional thoughts
– I didn’t get to see much of this weekend’s bloodbath in St. Louis because I was driving all over the Houston metroplex to see my in-laws. I guess the sensation was about the same, but the food here was better.
– One of the attractions of PNC Park in Pittsburgh is the ability to see across the river into downtown. Which is great, because that way you can see all the people headed to wor…HAHAHAHA, just kidding. Northern industrial cities are dying.
– Phil Dumatrait’s MLB headshot looks like he just got arrested for manufacturing methamphetamine. Seriously, that’s the look of the guy who goes to Walgreen’s and asks for ten boxes of Sudafed like it’s not a big deal.
Discuss the games in the Game Zone, and remember: it’s April, don’t feed the trolls. Oh yeah: fuck the Cubs.
