Something’s been nagging at me for a while about the Astros, and about Drayton McLane in particular.  Why is it he, moreso than perhaps any other baseball owner, gets singled out as misguided or foolish in his expectations and management of the franchise?

I’m looking primarily at the national media, the Ken Rosenthals, Keith Laws and Jayson Starks of the world.  If another owner makes an ill-advised or risky free agent signing, there will be hemming and hawing about the cost and what they were thinking, but when the Astros sign a Kaz Matsui or Mike Hampton, the knives come out.  He’s delusional, he’s cheap, he spends too much, he has tunnel vision, he strong-arms his GM.   We who know better know the lines so well, they’re like barroom standards that refuse to die.  And yet dumbass radio fans just regurgitate them like liturgy.

I literally cannot think of any other owner who gets this particular kind of criticism; Steinbrenner has a somewhat similar “just win, baby” attitude, but his endless coffers are the chief target of critics.  David Glass in Kansas City is hounded for driving a once-successful franchise into the ground and a dedicated fanbase to despair, but he’s mostly portrayed as cheap and clueless.  Tom Hicks is a spend-crazy gringo, but his star has crashed significantly later, and he’s only technically still the Rangers’ owner.  Dan Loria is a cheapskate, and Peter Angelos is an asshole, but beyond them, everyone else is pretty much anonymous.

So why does Drayton get hated on?  Consider this: Colorado signed Eric Byrnes to a similarly delusional contract, and released him sooner, yet it was treated like a light hearted comedy, with a beer league ending.  Yet Kaz’s release was treated as though the ill-omen albatross had finally flown away.  What’s the difference between those two signings?

Is it the earnestness with which Drayton makes his pitch to fans, with the inevitable response being , “Do you really believe this shit?”  Is it that the writers just generally like Gerry, and have been opposed to Drayton since Gerry lost that battle of the wills?  Does he sneak into the press box and crop dust the rows with burrito farts?  Did the writers have an actual uncle named Drayton who used to dress up in an ice cream vendor outfit and molest them?  I’ve got nothing.

Probable Pitchers

Friday, May 28th. 6:10 PM CST

Great American Ballpark

Wandy Rodriguez (2-6, 4.33) v. Sam LeCure (0-0, 0.00)

Well, shit.  Another gat-dam rookie.  We know where this is going.  We want it to be different.  We want to believe that each subsequent time will be different.  But it won’t.

Wandy is 6-6 lifetime against the Reds; he owns Jay Bruce , but Ramon Hernandez and Jonny “Not A Typo” Gomes hit him well.

Saturday, May 29th. 6:10 PM CST

Great American Ballpark

Brian Moehler (0-1, 4.42) v. Aaron Harang (3-5, 5.98)

This was Bud’s spot, but he pulled a muscle or some shit.  So Moehler gets to start, and he’s been pretty horrible against the Pasta-Chili-Fuckers, so expect some lucky fans in outfield deck seats to get a ball to play with.  Ahem.  Joey Votto has a preposterous 1.857 OPS against him.  I think that means that he hits two homers each at bat, but my math could be wrong.

Harang has been a launching pad for Berkman, so hopefully homer #8 will happen here.  Most other ‘stros hit him well, including Moehler, who’s .500 for life against Harang.  Oh yeah: Gunther has 5 K’s against him.  Of course.

Sunday, May 30th. 12:10 PM CST

Great American Ballpark

Felipe Paulino (0-7, 5.08) v. Mike Leake (4-0, 2.70)

It’d be a damned shame for Paulino to start 0’fer against the damned Reds, but Leake is their de facto ace this year.   Paulino is 1-4 lifetime against Cincy, and Laynce Nix and Bruce hitting him hard as well.

I could write about how Leake was the latest pitcher to do well in his only start against us, but I’m getting the Hate Shakes just thinking about it, so at the insistence of my cardiologist, we’re moving on to….

PPPPROMOTIONS!

Friday: Bald Eagle Flight.  Guess what the bird has that Ohioans don’t?  That’s right: a job.

Saturday: Joey Votto RealDoll Figurine  Gawd, that’s creepy looking. 

Sunday: Run the Bases Day AND  Reds Skateboard Deck.  Kids caught using the skateboards to navigate the bases will be shot on sight. 

Injuries

Astros:

Bud Norris – 15 Day DL: Bursitis and tendonitis.  Basically, Bud’s got The Itis.  Too much ribs, man.

Tim Byrdak – Rehabing in Round Rock. Telling Wes Wright that people in Houston miss him, but mostly because they think he’s Michael Bourn’s teenage brother.

Alberto Arias – Missing in Action, Chuck Norris is looking to bring him home…or else.

Cincy:

Homer Bailey: 15-Day DL, appearing in a John Steinbeck novel.

Chris Dickerson: 15-Day DL, starring in porn film as Dick Chrisserson.

Edinson Volquez: 60-Day DL, starring in anti-drug PSA.

Joey Votto: day-to-day, planning his one man show, “Are You There, God?  It’s Me, Joey Votto.”

What to Watch For:

• Oswalt isn’t pitching, so all bets are off
• But Berkman is batting, so some dingers.
• Like you’ll be watching.  You’re going to your beach house, aren’t you?
• I wish I had a beach house.
• How do you stop the list function?
• .
• um
• am I trapped here?
• all weekend?
• shit.

Talk about it in the Game Zone!

“1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!”  The Good Guys begin 6 game roadie in Milwaukee hoping to make all their dreams come true, or just win a game or two before the All-Star break.  If this series is as hard to watch as some of the recent shitty efforts by this team it is going to take more than milk and Pepsi to get you through the ongoing soap opera that is the GZ. 

Probable Pitchers and Belly Itchers  

Tuesday, May 25  7:10 p.m.  CT Felipe “Help, there’s a hog in my kitchen” Paulino, RHP (0-6, 5.36) vs. Randy Wolf, LHP (3-4, 5.10) Felipe is winless this year and has never beaten the Brewers in his career. Ain’ that just a bright ray of sunshine for your day?  In limited ABs, Braun, Hart and Gerut all hit over .500 against him.  Wolf hasn’t been smelling like a rose either this year:  “I’m concerned about the fact that I stink,” Wolf said. “I’m not going to candy-coat it.” Q and Blum happen to like Wolf’s aroma: they both hit over .500 on him, but Berkman just runs to showers when Wolf is around, in 30PA he bats a paltry .125 and slugs .208.  Phewee that stinks!

Wednesday, May 26 7:10 p.m. CT Roy “I ain’t got no run support stockings” Oswalt, RHP (2-6, 2.66) vs
Chris Narveson, LHP (4-1, 5.17)  Roy needs to get a grip on his Mantyhose and just STFU and pitch.  One more whiny ass remark from him and Berkman may just paste his pic HERE.  Whatever you do, don’t have your dadgum Oswalt inning when I Wear My Sunglasses at Night or Penis Nose are up, since they both have a .500 BA against you.  You had better just run to the ladies room, and get some fingernail polish to stop that run in your stockings real quick like. And remember, the heart goes on the front, big guy.  Narveson has only faced 6 Astros, 2 of which are pitchers.  Since no one has more than 5 ABs against him we might as well expect most of the batting order to run and hide with their tails between their legs when the southpaw starts his windup.

Thursday, May 27 12:10 p.m. CT  Brett “The Big Ragu” Myers, RHP (3-3, 3.25) vs Dave Bush, RHP (1-5, 5.59)  Myers has been a workhorse in this rotation, and has done well against the Brewers in his career, going 4-1 with a 1.77 ERA in eight games.  Current Brewers sport a .108 BA average, a .175 OBP and .189 SLG against Myers, so if we have a chance to salvage one game in this series, this is IT.  Plus, Bush characterizes his last outing as “the worst outing I’ve ever had at any level.”  He has high hopes however that the Astros do what they’ve done best this year–get opposing pitchers out of losing funks–and he has history on his side.  Bush has more wins against the Astros than any other team in his career. (in 13 appearances  Bush is 6-1 with a 3.46 ERA).

BooBoo Kitty Report

Astros–Arias is still out for the season.  Nothing new here folks.  Q did one too many splits and needs some of Roy’s support stockings for his sore groin, but is probably for this series.

Brewers–Is anyone not hurt on this team? 7 players on the DL for goodness sakes.  Zaun, Gamel and Hawkins all have shoulder problems, while Riske and Butler are throwing elbows.  The Sexy, Sexy Bitch is out with an oblique strain he got from posing in front of the mirror.  Doug Davis has been diagnosed with inflammation around the heart and is undergoing treatment expected to take a few weeks.

Promotions and Giveaways

Tuesday–It’s Singles Night! Get your beer goggles on so you can oodle those hot Milwaukee babes.

Wednesday—Brew Crew and the Zoo night! (Hey wasn’t that last night?) Plus, you get a Valvoline Instant Oil Change Special Coupon. 

Thursday–We give and we taketh away night–We give: Sports Authority Special Coupon and a $50 Appliance World Gift Card. We take: Books. Prince Fielder and Northwestern Mutual invite you to drop off any new or gently used children’s books during the Brewers Drive For Charity. Each fan that donates will receive a Prince Fielder Brewers collectible pin.

Come join your friends in the GameZone and watch some baseball night after night…….