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  • Game Recaps (Page 82)

What’s That Smell? I Just Changed The Diaper.

Posted on June 17, 2012 by Ron Brand in Featured, Game Recaps

Rangers eleventyasswhipping, Astros giveuplikepussies

Eighth grade, dressing in our cramped, fetid cinder-block dressing room. There’s the usual roar of conversation, laughs, jokes that begin to tail off and then there is silence. Elbows nudge, glances to a corner of the room lead other eyes in the silence.

Bart, already down to his briefs, has removed his undershirt. From his shoulders to his thighs, he is covered – covered! – in bruises. Not one square inch of unbruised skin. Belt impressions, fists, fingers. He dresses quickly, doesn’t say anything. Neither do we. By ninth grade, Bart is gone.

***

17, beautiful and innocent, Barbara was the prettiest of the three best friends that I was surreptitiously juggling in that fertile ground of restaurant work. Too pretty by far for me, she was also too innocent; out of them all, this one was the least likely to survive more than a few weeks.

One day I showed up for a shift and it was clear that something was wrong, something that the three of them knew about, wanted to talk about, but could only share their dark truth with a trusted…boyfriend…

Seems that Barbara’s father had decided it was time for her to learn all about the birds and the bees, so he locked her in the bedroom, sisters and mother outside, while he took the time to deliver the details in a hands-on fashion.

***

Richard fought with his father for his entire life, a physical relationship that destroyed any concept of self-worth that he might have had a chance for. At 17 he started using drugs, graduating to a significant IV crank addiction by his mid-20s. Three ex-wives, couple of kids, covered in tattoos because the pain felt like a punishment to him, he finally did time for armed robberies he committed to pay for his latest wife’s heroin addiction.

***

Forrest was eight when his father called him out to the back porch to see something. His father wanted him to watch while he stuck a shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger.

***

My father was the dad that all my friends wished was their dad too. He was personable, very funny, sharp and perceptive. He also had enough of the rogue in him that made him even more attractive. He got middling marks at best in school – he was the kind of student who would call the instructors ‘teach,’ the guy who wouldn’t wear the motorcycle jacket but he’d attach the hook to the police car axle in the parking lot. He told me that story a long time before I saw it on the screen in American Graffiti, so I have no doubt that it was true.

Dad taught me everything you’d want your father to teach you. He was an excellent baseball player and he instilled that timeless love of the game in me. We played catch often. He was always up for working on my pitching. He took us to Astro games pretty much every summer.

He taught me the value of hard work. He ran a gas station with his father until they finally sold it in the early 70s as self-service company-owned stores began to replace the old franchises. He worked as a line mechanic for a dealership, drove a bread truck on the side and even was a part-time wrecker driver to make ends meet. His calm and personable manner earned him significant promotions at the dealership until he ended up being a general manager. We were very proud.

There were lots of other things that Dad taught me. Compassion, thinking situations through logically, what it means to be a good friend, and how to recognize crazy. Some of these lessons took many more years to sink in, but he was teaching them, whether my head was too thick to receive it or not.

Dad showed me how to be strong. When they wheeled him into the OR to see what was on his kidney, he never showed us the fear that we were all feeling. After they looked around and closed him back up instead of doing anything, he accepted that and never faltered.

We didn’t even know how close he was to the end until it was already upon us. He got to meet my wife but missed the wedding. He missed my children being born too, and I’m sure he would have been a fantastic grandfather. I miss his love and guidance and counsel every single day, but at least he was my dad for those years and I know I’m far more fortunate than many for that.

If you’re a father, I hope you can do your best to be the kind of father you’d want to have, regardless of your situation. You can’t do anything greater or of more importance than making your kids’ lives better.

If you’re not a father, maybe you can show your dad some appreciation for the sacrifices he made, even if they aren’t apparent.

Or, if you’re like the people I wrote about at the beginning, I hope you can find some peace and not make the same horrible mistakes those men did. Let that cycle of shame end with them and create a new legacy.

***

On this Father’s Day, Dallas Keuchel got the call due to Norris’ injury. Miraculously, he left in the bottom of the sixth with a 1-0 lead against the juggernaut Rangers. Of course, after a single by Cruz Mills brought in FeRod, who walked the bases full so he could hang a breaking ball to Kinsler for a three-run triple and the shitrain began to fall in torrents. Carpenter came in, gave up a single and then a home run to Beltre.

Lackadaisical play ensued in the field as the Astros gave up, resulting in well-deserved catcalls and hoots from the denizens of the GameZone. The fans pay for and expect better, but what they’re getting is the same watery explosive shit you’d expect from an infant, which is about the level of baseball IQ this team displays more often than not.

Watching this team mail it in on their way to shitsville every day is exasperating. After a brutal week, they have more favorable matchups next week so maybe they’ll care a little more when they aren’t being depantsed and beaten around the head by superior teams. Or maybe they’re about to go on a run of shitty baseball that we thought they’d graduated from. If that’s the case, look for a lot of changes to start happening soon, either with the team or with the managing.

Happy Father’s Day, y’all.

Another loss? What the hell? Oh well … Right on.

Posted on June 17, 2012 by Dark Star in Featured, Game Recaps, News

Happy’s birthday which is kind of an upset if you knew him tenyearsago but cool that he is still around doing the gz and recaps and shit … happy birthday happy, fuckin rangers win again.

Harrell looked good until he fell apart
Jackson Pollock made great art
Ok, Noe didn’t.

The Rangers kept the pressure on
Today another friend is gone
Cancer don’t relent.

Texas’ll probably win again Sunday
Rosary tomorrow, funeral Monday
Whiskey’s sometimes heaven-sent.

Ballgame tonight and another tomorrow then on to KC and the oblivion beyond.  Happy father’s day to everyone and remember this — Astros lost.

Astros lost.  And, 52 is too fucking young to die.

You heard it here first.

Gamezone

Offense, Where were Yu?

Posted on June 16, 2012 by Ron Brand in Featured, Game Recaps

Rangers 6, Astros 2
by Mr. Happy

Caught up in the exhilaration of contributing my first piece to SnS yesterday, I decided to tempt fate and go back to the well for another drink. The circs were different this time though. We weren’t in the City by the Bay; we were in Hell, Texas, a/k/a DFW. If you want just a short list of why Dallas sucks big time, read Ebby Calvin’s fine palpably hatred-filled series preview. In a nutshell, tonight’s game sucked. The clues as to suckitude arrived early on, just as we found out that CB Bucknor was going to be behind the plate tonight. How that guy is still in the big leagues is beyond me. He must have the pics of FYB channeling J. Edgar Hoover in a tutu and spikes. Disgusting. CB’s knowledge of the strike zone tonight was, well, just a shade big. Make that two shades.

This was a matchup of young Jordan Lyles and the well-rested Japanese/Iranian phenom Yu Darvish. The second clue that tonight wasn’t going to be the Astros’ night was that they were facing a starting pitcher who often pitches out of the stretch even when there is no one on base. After four innings, the young Lyles held on to a 1-0 lead, courtesy of a Jed Lowrie RBI single, driving home Altuve, who had gotten in scoring position after a walk by swiping a bag.

For the second straight start, Mr. Lyles ran into a five in five problem. The fielding let him down as Clank Johnson committed his ninth error of the season, which opened the floodgates of Hell with a following series of dink bloop hits and seeing eye singles. But it added up to five runs, which chased Mr. Lyles. The Regulators came into tonight’s game with one out in the bottom of the fifth, and only allowed one run for the balance of the game. But the damage was done.

Rhiner Cruz allowed his fifth home run-a solo bomb tonight by Mitch Moreland- in just 22.1 innings of work—numbers that are Abadesque. Should we keep Rhiner around should be the question on everybody’s minds. To me, he’s taking up a roster spot and better start showing some potential fast or send him back to the steM. His BAA of .311 suggests that he ain’t exactly fooling anyone. And he’s sporting a peachy 1.75 WHIP. Great.

The only other good thing that happened tonight was Justin Maxwell’s seventh home run, a solo shot. Jordan Schreefer should start looking over his shoulder at Maxwell, whose power, with a batting average close to Schreefer’s, may give him an edge in CF.

Yu Darvish, taking advantage of fucktard Bucknor’s ridiculously big strike zone, struck out 11 Astros. The Astros committed three errors tonight, so it just wasn’t a good effort anywhere around.

The good news is that the Game Zone, which had been moribund on the previous day, came back to life with a vengeance, where luminaries such as our own lovable Ron Brand waxed poetic on their intense hatred for front-running, classless RangerFan. I’ll close with another shot at CB Bucknor: you suck, Bucknor. If Millsie had half the nuts of some managers, he’d have gotten run by the end of the fifth inning on your horseshit strike calls.

Bye Bye Baby-A Perfect Win!!!

Posted on June 14, 2012 by Ron Brand in Game Recaps, News

Astros 6, Giants 3

by Mr. Happy

I was lucky enough to get invited along today as a guest in the club section to the “game after THE game” at AT&T Park. The place was teeming with beaming Giants fans, who were adorned in a wide assortment of black and orange attire Most notable were the overwhelming number of Giants jerseys with the number “18” emblazoned on the back running around. It was a magnificent day for our game. Prior to the game, while watching our club take BP, I dined on a $16 crab sandwich, which was very good but not $16 very good, if you know what I mean. Frankly, in BP, our guys looked like they were just going through the motions, still shell-shocked from what had happened to them only hours earlier. Could they muster any offense today, or would the hot or cold No. 75 be hot today?

No sooner had the game started than the perfect game and no-hitter were broken up by our own Jose Altuve, who singled sharply to left field to open the game, the first of his two hits on the day. Although Altuve would get to within 16.6154 Altuves of the pay station that inning, he would get no farther. In the bottom half of that frame, after Wandy had struck out Blanco swinging, that pesky little LSU boy hit a ringing two bagger to center field. Wandy followed that up with a walk of the Melk Man, so the Giants had runners on 1B and 2B with one out for their cleanup hitter, No. 16. Wandy then bowed his neck and caught No. 16 looking. After that, Kung Fu Panda lined out to Maxwell, and the inning was over.
In the top of the second inning, No. 75 lost the shutout too as Downsie took him over the left field wall for a solo home run. Bye Bye Baby!!! Wandy pitched around a two out hit in the bottom of that frame, so it was 1-0 Good Guys going into the top of the third inning.

The fateful inning. Altuve leads off with a walk on a 3-1 pitch. Bixler saw Altuve and raised him a four pitch walk. Same thing for Lowrie, which juiced the bases for our cleanup hitter du jour, JD Martinez. What happened next is courtesy of yours truly, who said in a sparsely populated Game Zone today that JD hadn’t earned the cleanup spot but that someone had to hit there today. After the obligatory visit to the bump from No. 19, No. 75 tossed the obligatory following get over fastball (or so No. 75 claims-it was 84 on the stadium gun) strike. What happened next was pure magic. Not as magical as last night for No. 18, but magical nonetheless.

JD crushed the next pitch-and I mean crushed it-over the left field wall for a grand salami. It was the Astros turn to sing their rendition of Bye Bye Baby. Oh those bases on balls, as the Fordham Flash, former Giants player and Hall of Famer Frankie Frisch would say. So now it’s 5-0. The ball was out of there so fast that the Melk Man didn’t turn around or even move, which was really kind of a shitty way to show up your own pitcher. At least run back toward the wall like you’ve got a chance at it for crying out loud! These young players today! I tells ya!

After a scoreless third, the Giants came up in the bottom of the fourth, and after two outs, No. 29 singled to left field and the Baby Giraffe, ole No. 9, who had been a thorn in the Astros asses in the first two games, stepped up to the dish. Surely No. 9 couldn’t hit his third home run of the series (as well as of the season) off of another portsider? Say it ain’t so, Joe! Well, it was so, as Baby Giraffe took Wandy into the drink for the 61st splash home run in AT&T Park history to narrow the margin to 5-2, and we all reveled in the sounds of Bye Bye Baby-Giants style.

Fast forward to the bottom of the sixth inning, still a 5-2 ballgame, when No. 16 led off with a sharp single. No. 15 put on the ole hit-and-run play, and Kung Fu Panda executed it perfectly, singling where the vacated and diminutive Altuve had just absented himself to take a throw from Castro that would never come. Had Altuve been a sliver of an Altuve taller, he might have had a play-it was that close. Now the Giants had runners on the corners with nobody out for No. 29, who hit a sacrifice fly , scoring No. 16 to narrow the margin to 5-3. Thankfully, Baby Giraffe hit into the old pitcher’s best friend to end the inning. That would do it for the Giants scoring, but the Good Guys weren’t finished. In the top of the eighth inning, after Bixler walked (one of his two walks on the day, together with a single) and made it around to 3B on a pair of fielder’s choice plays, Maxwell singled him home to complete the scoring.

Wandy went six innings, and frankly was not sharp and was having real trouble keeping his fastball down. The Regulators, you ask? Wellsir, today they were up to the task. Wright threw a quick seven pitch seventh; FeRod followed that with a 15 pitch up-and-down eighth. In the ninth, Myers came on to try to close it out. After botching a 1-2 pitch to Kung Fu Panda, who singled to center field, up steps No. 29, who hits a screaming grounder right at Downsie. As Kung Fu Panda, being slow afoot, was leaving 1B, Downsie conveniently tags him out and tosses quickly to Myers covering 1B for the twin killing. Baby Giraffe didn’t have another long ball in him and was retired to end the game, which was an eight pitch inning for Myers, who notched his 16th save.

All four Astros walks today hit the pay station. The Good guys garnered eight hits, two of them long balls, and only had four LOBsters, going 2-6 w/RISP. The combination of Wandy and the Regulators (sounds like a geriatric band) allowed seven hits and three earnies, striking out four and walking two.

No game recap would be complete without a pointless prediction, so here goes: Bixler is so versatile that I predict that he stays on the roster for awhile, which could be bad news for Downsie. Stay tuned to see if I am right. In the interests of full disclosure, I should tell you that I’m betting against me.

Cain is Able, Slays the Astros

Posted on June 14, 2012 by Ron Brand in Game Recaps

Giants 10 Astros 0
W: Cain (8-2) L: Happ (4-7)

by Sphinx Drummond

The Astros could not score even one run in the 10 to nothing shellacking they got courtesy of the San Francisco Giants on Wednesday night. Worse than that they didn’t get a hit or a walk either. The bums didn’t even put a guy on base via a fielding or throwing error on the Giants, or by blocking a pitch with a rib or thigh. That’s right, the Astros sent a man to the plate 3 times each inning for 9 innings and the guy pitching for the Giants sent each one back to the dugout in the same order in which they appeared.

The pitcher for the Giants used his powerful right arm to employ the strikeout method and sent 14 of the Astros back to the dugout from their attempts at the plate. The other 13 batters made non strikeout outs. After the game there were nothing but zeroes on the scoreboard for the Astros, zero runs, zero hits, and zero errors. But the Giants had 10 runs, 15 hits, and zero errors. Also the Giants had 2 walks to zero for the Astros, So because neither team made an error, if you take away the runs and hits and walks, the Astros and the Giants were about even.

In an otherwise unspectacular game, the Astros did turn one DP and the Giants never even came close to doing that.

Here is my obligatory mentioning of Garlic Fries, Alcatraz, and Trolley Cars.

Multiple Choice Recap

Posted on June 13, 2012 by BudGirl in Game Recaps, News

Contributed by Reuben

Giants 6, Astros 3

W: Bumgarner (8-4)
L: Norris (5-4)
box

Faced with a 10:15pm local start time (10:15! Not even 10:05? You suck, Giants.), I decided to write out most of my recap before the game, in the form of a Multiple-choice quiz. I’m pretty sure professional beat writers write all their recaps by the 4th inning, so I’m just trying to take it one step further. All I’ll have to do when I wake up in the morning is type out A, C, C, B, etc. and boom, I’m done. What could be lazier, er, easier?

1. Headline that summarizes the game:
a. Can of Bud Beats Tall Boy
b. …We Might Be Midgets
c. Giant Bum Holds Down Stros
Answer: c.

2. The Major Storyline of the game was:
a. Madison Bumguarder loaded the bases with no outs in every inning, but somehow only allowed 1 run.
b. Bud Norris was awesome. He struck out a bunch of guys.
c. Bud Norris sucked. He struck out a bunch of guys.
Answer: c. Removed for injury amidst an Oswalt-inningesque 4th

3. The turning point of the game was :
a. A massive home run to LCF by Justin Maxwell
b. A massive fuck-up in LCF by Justin Maxwell
c. A bases-loaded HBP of Maxwell with the score tied in the top of the 9th, after he homered in his previous at-bat and went “nah-nah-nah-nah, nah nah!” towards the Giants dugout and stuck his tongue out.
Answer: d. none of the above. See answer to #2

4. The defensive highlight of the night was:
a. Jose Altuve catching a pop-up against the screen after Castro trips on his mask
b. Bogusevic gunning down the tying run at the plate after Altuve threw a routine grounder into the right-field corner
c. Castro holding onto the ball after getting decked by Buster Posey
Answer: d. none of the above. Downs charged in all Bagwell-like on a squeeze bunt in the 4th to throw the runner out at home (although he was probably safe)

5. The most exciting thing about this game was:
a. Altuve decking Posey to score the go-ahead run from 2nd on a groundout.
b. Brian Bixler going 3-for-3 with 4 steals, and having people finally realize he was on the team
c. Chris Snyder’s inside-the-park homer
Answer: b. Not quite that good, but Bix did go 2-4 with 2 RBI and a SB

6. I personally derived satisfaction from:
a. Not having to worry about hearing Jon Sterling say “The Melk-Man delivers!”
b. Seeing former Card/Cub Ryan Theriot hit into 4 DP’s
c. The delicious polenta-artichoke tart my wife made, but not much else, as the Astros played horrendous baseball and were blown out by a bunch of slap-hitting retreads
Answer: c. Yummy tart, not a blow-out but they were dominated by Bumgarner (Theriot did go 0-5, which was nice)

7. The thing I hated was:
a. How I kept hearing “The Melk-Man delivers” in my head anyway.
b. That Ryan Theriot didn’t completely fuck up every chance he got.
c. All 5 of the Giants’ RBIs were by guys I’ve never heard of.
Answer: e. all of the above

8. The Star of the Game was:
a. A pitcher
b. A hitter
c. The home plate umpire- he’s just so stylish and spunky!
Answer: a.

9. An odd miscellaneous fact or stat from this game was:
a. Jose Altuve had a swinging-bunt base hit that went exactly 5’5”, or one Altuve
b. Madison Bumgarner became the first Giant pitcher since Mike Krukow in 1985 to strike out 10 or more batters and hit a homer in the same game.
c. Jed Lowrie became the first Astros SS ever to launch a splash-hit HR into McCovey’s Cove.
Answer: b. Okay, I wrote this one in the morning after reading that online

Extra credit summary paragraph:

A forgettable game for the Good Guys. LHP Bumgarner flat-out oppressed the Astros’ legion of RHB’s, showing a great slider that bore inside on them. Carpenter chipped in 2 2/3 innings of scoreless ball in the middle, but Lyon and Wright allowed the Gints to tack on 3 late runs that made the Castro and Bixler RBIs in the 8th and 9th moot. Pink-eyed Jordan Schafer had a pinch-hit walk in the 9th.

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