Rangers 6, Astros 2

Submitted by Reuben

The Astros started out with a 2-0 lead in this game, and Dallas Keuchel hadn’t allowed a hit through the 1st 3 innings. After that things didn’t go so well. The heat map below – designed by CSN Houston’s infographic guru, The Predator – really tells the whole story:

As you can see, the Astros scored single runs in the 1st and 3rd innings, but had little-to-no run-scoring events after that. The Rangers, on the other hand, concentrated their run-scoring in the middle innings – creating very clear “hot zones” of run-scoring activity. This could be very instructive the next time the Astros face them. They should probably avoid pitching to them during the 3rd, 4th, and maybe even for a few innings after that.

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Futility Watch: The Astros remain in 28th place overall in baseball. The Rocks have lost 8 of their last 10 to fall into a tie for last place with the Rangers. The Cubs and D’backs, meanwhile, are a full 2 games ahead of the Astros in 26/27th place. The Astros still need to win 3 more games to surpass their shameful total from 2013.

Houston Team 4
Dallas Team 3

contributed by NeilT

Howdy! Man, this week has been busy, what with patrolling the Red River to stop iceback French-speakin’ children crossing over from Canada, and starting my own Super PAC. Anita reminded me that to be presidential, I need to ask for donations every time I appear somewhere, so please give me money. I had a tough time coming up with a PAC name, but finally came up with Rick PAC. Anita says I forgot the “P”, for Perry and President I guess, but I thought that Rick P. PAC was a bit long. She said that I should switch it around a bit but PAC Rick P doesn’t sound right.

Anyway, the Texas team was playing the Houston team so it’s my turn to do the recap. I’ve got to tell you that I’m not real excited about the Texas team these days. I guess you know that the current president and his administration are content to simply throw money at a problem and hope the problem will resolve itself, but my response has been crystal clear: Texas will not expand Medicaid under Obamacare. It’s nothing but socialism on American soil.

But I got this letter from Jon Daniels of the Texas team. Seems like the team is eat up with medical expenses, and they’re asking that we reconsider Medicaid expansion. He said they had six pitchers on the DL and seven position players. He said if the state could just provide some Medicaid expansion, then maybe the Rangers could buy some free agents for next season, and wouldn’t that be fair? Ain’t that what government’s for?

Well I tell you, back when I was a Democrat and an Al Gore supporter I surely might have felt that was right, but I don’t change my positions, and Texas is not expanding Medicaid. If the Texas team needs indigent health care, it needs to go to the emergency room like everybody else.

But I also understand that the Texas team hasn’t been playing so good, and that makes me think I need to find another team. I felt pretty good last night during the first 7 innings. The Texas team started out the first with two runs off of Oberholtzer, with Shin-Bob Soo Choo scoring on an Arencibia homer. After the first, Oberholtzer settled in, but Mikolas allowed no runs until Carter’s HR in the 5th. Altuve left the game in the top of the 6th with a neck strain, and is day to day.

Tolleson gave up 2 hits and no runs on 2 Ks for the 6th, and Mendez went three up, three down with 2 Ks for the 7th. It was looking like a one run win for the Texas team until Cotts came in for the 8th. Robbie Baseball homered driving in Singleton, and Marisnick scored on a Petit double. That put the Houston team up by two.

The Houston team non-closer, Qualls, came in to close out the 9th, and made things exciting. Rosales led off with a double to left, and then with one out Carp drove in Rosales on a single. Rougned Odor followed with a single, putting the winning run on base. Pat Robertson grounded into a double play to end the inning, which was a disappointment. I usually like just about everything Pat Robertson does.

Big first inning by Phills dooms Astros

contributed by Sphinx Drummond

Jose Altuve led off the game with a single, used a bit of thievery to advance to second, moved to third on Chris Carter’s single, and scored on a fielder’s choice grounder by Jon Singleton. The Astros had a one run lead after a half inning, then Brad Peacock took the mound and promptly surrendered 5 runs in the bottom half of the inning.

After giving up 5 runs on four hits, three walks (one intentional), and one wild pitch, Peacock settled in for the next couple of innings and kept the Phillies from scoring again until the 4th inning when Chase Utley took a half swing and knocked a three run homer. The Astros did manage to scratch out one run in the top of the fourth, so the inning ended with the score 8 to 2 in favor of the Phillies.

Peacock was left in for the fifth inning and was able to get out of it unscathed, the damaged had already been done. Darin Downs came in to pitch in the sixth but by then I had started watching HBO’s True Crime. I’ve heard it is an excellent program and am a fan of both lead actors. The first episode sucked me in. I didn’t watch the rest of the game, sorry.

Thursday the Astros face the Phillies again in a 6:05 pm CST start time. Colin McHugh (4-9) takes the hill against Roberto Hernandez (6-8) as the Astros try to avoid a series sweep.

Game Time: 2:45
Weather: 80 degrees, Mildly Cloudy
Wind: 6 mph, Left to Right
Attendance: 26,691

Astros 6, Blue Jays 1

Submitted by Reuben

After spending most of May through July scuffling and/or on the disabled list, Scott Feldman, owner of (by far) the biggest contract among current Astros, had become something of a forgotten man. The wildy unexpected successes of Dallas Keuchel and Collin McHugh, and the occasional brilliance of Jarred Cosart completely overshadowed the great beginning to Feldman’s Astro career, and his presumably-vital influence on the young pitchers as the lone veteran presence in the rotation.

These last two starts have been a nice reminder of what Feldman can be when he’s on his game: a very good pitcher, one who pounds the strike zone despite an ordinary fastball, and maybe gives up some hits, but ultimately, does a great job of eating innings and giving his team a good chance to win. Feldman went the distance Sunday afternoon, allowing 8 hits and just 1 run, becoming the only Astro besides Keuchel to notch a CG all year. He also induced 3 DPs, helping to keep the base traffic in check.

Chris Carter contributed the key hit in the game. With 2 outs in the 3rd, Robbie Grossman worked a 9-pitch walk to load the bases. After falling behind 0-2 (on consecutive sliders, surprise surprise), Carter laid off a slider in the dirt and two high fastballs before hooking a 3-2 slider into left field, scoring Marisnick and Altuve and giving the Astros a 2-1 lead, which they would build on with a 3-run 4th.

Jon Singleton continues to look vastly better at the plate. He was 2-for-4 with a hustle double, and also went from 1st to 3rd on an errant pickoff attempt. Marisnick and Matty D also had 2 hits, with Dominguez picking up 2 RBIs. Altuve had a hit and an intentional walk.

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Futility Watch: The Rockies just got swept by the Tigers, and the Rangers have lost 3 in a row, but the Astros are still worse than 27 other teams, pending the results of the Cubs/Dodgers game. In the “we’re not as shitty as we used to be” category, the Astros need just 5 more wins to surpass last year’s total.

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Okay, so, I can’t find the clip of the actual scene that inspired this recap’s title, where the very-foreign assassin glances at the name tags and quickly chooses the identity “Sidney Feldman” to gain entry to John Cusack’s high school reunion, but feel free to enjoy this clip of the excellent fight scene that takes place afterwards. Still one of my favorite movies.

Astros 8, Blue Jays 2

W: Oberholtzer (4-7)
L: Dickey (9-11)

It was a highlight reel kind of night for the Home Nine, who may have moved up another rung on the ladder into the lower reaches of mediocrity. Houston is no longer Unable to Compete, now that they have credible starting pitching and can employ the AL Great Equalizer – the home run – to stay in games they couldn’t stay in before. They’re making the rough parts smooth. Can it last?

Three Astros had three hits last night – Carter (with a 2B and HR), Castro (HR) and Singleton (2B and inside-the-park HR) and they combined to drive in seven. Grossman leaped above the wall in right to rob a homer from Juan Francisco. Obie continued his run of strong starts with seven innings of two-run ball. Altuve scored after a wild pickoff attempt by Dickey. And this just in – Foltynewicz throws real hard.

It’s good to see – well, see isn’t the right word, because we sure can’t see this team without going to the ballpark – it’s good to read about this team and their recent fortune against some of the better teams in the league. Little steps. It’s a process. Not unlike a conk in many ways.

Astros 3
Canadians 1

contributed by NeilT

Ruggedly handsome Texas Ranger Captain Burk Lanceman stood at the helm of the 21 foot Austin Whaler as around it the drought-fed surge of the Red River flowed. The throbbing 75-horsepower Mercury outboard kept the sleek fiberglass hull steady against the powerful current as the CB radio crackled.

“10-4 good buddy, Captain Burk, Captain Burk, is that you?” From his observation post high on the Texas bank, General Greg Abbott scanned for movement on the opposite Oklahoma bank with powerful Zeiss binoculars. “I ain’t seen no movement over yonder. You sure that the wolverines were bringing them across at Oklaunion?”

“General, it rhymes with yokel, not okra, and we’re as sure as we can be. We lost two good men getting this information. One of them just sits and sings the chorus of “Wake Up”, and the other only recites “Green Eggs and Ham” in French. They have both been thoroughly drenched in maple syrup. We don’t know if they’ll ever recover.”

At the front of the powerful craft Governor Rick Perry adjusted his Kevlar battle gear and sighted along the mounted 50-caliber Browning M2. The air-cooled gun would lay down a cyclical rate of 700 rounds per minute. No French-speaking ten-year-old iceback from Quebec was coming across his stretch of the river.

State Senator Dan Patrick, soon to be Lite Governor Dan Patrick, yelled excitedly from his padded seat on the Yeti cooler in front of the center console. “Look! Look there, in that clump of salt cedar! I think I see something!” Governor Perry swung the M2 and laid down a quick 50-round burst, churning the earth and turning the salt cedar into flying matchsticks. A juvenile blue crane let out a harsh croak and rose from the bank. “Damn,” said Governor Perry, “I thought it was a coyote.”

Handsomely rugged Texas Ranger Captain Burk Lanceman adjusted his own aviators and stared at the northern bank. Hard-won information had told him that thousands of Canadian children would cross the border here, bringing with them their addictions to government-funded health care, poutine, down parkas, and Gordon Lightfoot records, but he knew instinctively that once again The Citizen was one step ahead of him. Somehow The Citizen had found out their plans to intercept the children at the river. Whoever he was, the high-ranking Texas official implanted as a child by the Royal Mounties to drive Texans to Canadian ideas by spouting absurdities, he made no mistakes. Captain Lanceman was no closer than he had ever been.

If only The Citizen would say something that sounded peculiar. But no, all high-ranking Texas officials sounded exactly the same. He would get him though. He would watch for the mistake that surely must come, identify The Citizen, and bring him to justice.

***
“Jean Jacques!” Senator Cruz, also known as The Citizen, called to his chief of staff. “Call off the crossing! The Blue Jays have allowed the Astros to win!”

After “O Canada” through three innings, Happ had been perfect, and the Blue Jays had held a 1-0 lead off a Navarro sac fly driving in Cabrera. McHugh had struggled, throwing ball after ball because of the carefully sabotaged mound. But in the 4th Carter reached first on a single, sacre bleu! And then Guzman drove Carter home on a soft single to center.

The Toronto team was throwing the game to let him know that Burk Lanceman had discovered his plot, and that the Canadian children would never make it across the Texas border where Burk Lanceman and Rick Perry patrolled. It was confirmed by the Blue Jays in the 8th, when Petit hit a Crawford Box home run that was only 89 mph off the bat. And what contortions the loyal Canadians had to go through to get Altuve home! The umpires would not cooperate with what should have been an in-the-park home run, they had to let him steal third, and then Bautista had to hold the ball in right to allow a sac fly. It was ugly for the Canadians, eh?

And when Downs, Veras, and Qualls allowed only one hit after the 7th, he knew. “Jean Jacques, we must try another day.” What else could be done, eh?