stRangers @ Astros
August 28-31
contributed by Mr. Happy
Yes, I know that I missed the first game, which the Good Guys won, courtesy of a grand salami by Castro the Astro. However, you should know that I didn’t find out until August 26 that I had this series preview. That’s not the first time that I’ve been fucked by last minute notice, and it hasn’t gone ignored either.
Yesterday, instead of scrambling to write this series preview, I made my maiden voyage to the mess that is Detroit to take in the Tigers-Yankmees matinee with some work colleagues. Therefore, I got to see the Captain play again. Whooptishit. The good news is that the Yankmees lost. I’m sunburned. And it took three hours to get back to Toledo, which is normally about 45 minutes. The reason is that Detroit’s finest have no fucking clue about how to manage and route game travel. It was abysmal. No, scratch that. It was fucking abysmal. But I digress…
August 29, 2014 7:10 p.m. CDT
Scott Baker-R (2-3 5.45) v. Brett Oberholtzer (4-9 4.01)
None of the Astros have more than three at-bats against Baker. However, the good news is that Baker sucks, and the rest of MLB has lit him up like a fucking Christmas tree. The Rangers are hitting .246 against Oberholtzer. The usual suspects, e.g., Adrian fucking Beltre (4-7), hit him hard. Believe it or not, fucking J.P. Arencibia has taken Oberholtzer deep for the stRangers lone dinger off of him. We should win this one.
August 30, 2014 7:10 CDT
Miles Mikolas-R (2-5 6.44) v. Scott Feldman-R (7-10 4.34)
The stRangers have seen plenty of Feldman, hitting .249 in 185 at-bats against his former club. Elvis Fucking Andrus and Alex Rios are the ones to avoid for the tall right-hander. Miles Mikolas should have been named Mess Mikolas. He’s a veritable pinball machine. The Good Guys are hitting a robust .375 in 40 at-bats off of the right-hander, with a collective OPS of an obscene 1.132. Carter, Singleton and Fowler have taken him deep. This one should be fun to watch. Take the over.
August 31, 2014 2:10 p.m. CDT
Martinez-R (3-10 5.31) v. Dallas Keucchel-L (10-9 3.05)
Gosh, the stRangers starters suck. The Good Guys are hitting .303 against the beleaguered right-hander. Matty D and the Piranha do the most damage off of him. Keuchel, on the other hand, has seen a lot of the stRangers, who are hitting .242 in 153 at-bats against the soft-tossing portsider. Alex Rios and Adrian Fucking Beltre are the problematic ones. I despise Beltre. Fuck him and that shitty little smirk that he always seems to have on his grill, which I’d love to slap right off. The Good Guys should win this one.
Injuries
stRangers
This club is a fucking hospital ward. They have 12 players on the 60-day DL.
Astros
I refuse to believe that Jesse Crain will ever see the light of day. We have some other guys who are on the 15-day or out for the year, but not nearly as many as the stRangers. But you know what? Fuck the stRangers. I revel in their sorry misery.
Prediction
Astros sweep