But The Astros Put Up Nary A Fisticuff, And Succumbed Meekly

PIRATES 6, ASTROS 1

Saturday May 7, 2011
PNC Park

PITTSBURGH (SnS) – The Houston Astros wasted a pretty good pitching effort by somewhat erratic starter Bud Norris here Saturday evening, and fell helplessly to the underwhelming Pittsburgh Pirates, 6-1. Read More

Meanwhile, Wandy Rodriguez finally pitches a really good game.   And gets vultured by Lyon.

ASTROS 2, BREWERS 1
Saturday April 30, 2011
MMPUS

HOUSTON (SnS) — In a close contest, the Houston Astros held on long enough to defeat the scary Milwaukee Brewers here Saturday night, 2-1. In a rare night of dominance by starting pitchers, lefties Wandy Rodriguez and former Astro Randy Wolf hooked up in what turned out to be a classic duel.Read More

CHICAGO 9, HOUSTON 5

April 13, 2011
Minute Maid

HOUSTON (SnS) – I was smoking a nice big pipeful of Oaxacan this one time, in this really cool jade-green ceramic bong a friend of mine had brought home, from a trip to Morocco I think it was. Mauritania? Mali? Anyway, this was a long time ago, back when I would occasionally indulge in this sort of anti-social behavior. I was reloading the brass and porcelain bowl for the second or fifth time that evening when to my horror I noticed that one of the cannabis buds I was handling bore a striking resemblance to a then current Chicago Cubs starting pitcher. Read More

Marlins 7, Astros 5

April 9, 2011
Minute Maid

HOUSTON (SnS) – In a game that followed what has been a disturbingly familiar pattern for the Houston Astros early this season, the Florida Marlins rebounded from a 4-1 deficit to come back and defeat the hometown Hapless-stros 7-5 here Saturday night, in front of a somewhat paltry day-after-home-opener crowd of 25,000.

Coming into this series, the Marlins had been skating along, keeping their heads above water, and giving their fans some rays of hope that they might be angling for a top spot in the NL East.  The Astros, meanwhile, had been floundering around, and more than anything in this series were trying to avoid, well, screwing the perch.

Coming into tonight’s game, the Astros were smarting from a late rally by the Florida nine that had sunk them the night before, in the home opener.

The home team jumped out to an early lead in the bottom of the first, scoring a run on a couple of doubles, by Angel Sanchez and Hunter Pence. Florida came right back in the 2nd, loading the bases with none out on some Bud Norris wildness; but Norris bore down and retired the side, keeping the damage to one run.

The Astros tallied two more in the bottom of the second (one on a double by Norris). After that, both starters (Norris for Houston and Javier Vazquez for FLA), who had sported pretty decent NBA scoring averages for ERAs coming into the game, settled down and started retiring batters in droves. The Astros got another run in the fifth when Gunther ‘FOTF’ Pence hammered a single to right to score Michael Bourn. Then, after Carlos Lee flied out, putting men on 1st and 3rd with one out, Brett Wallace grounded into a controversial inning-ending double play. The play was controversial because a.) Wallace was clearly safe at first on the replay – it wasn’t even all that close, and b.) it cost the Astros at least one run.

Norris, who had been sailing along, drawing praise from both JD and Saturday Night Jeff Bagwell on the FOX telecast, suddenly turned into the Humpty we all know he really is in the top of the 6th. He lost his control and, before you could blink, the Marlins had tied the thing up. Norris, who looked for a few innings like a good MLB pitcher, ended up as just another nobody chump, turning in an unimpressive 6 innings, 4 runs allowed performance. Not even a “quality start”, which is bullshit anyway, since when the fuck is six innings giving up three runs considered to be of fucking quality? You think Walter “Big Train” Johnson would consider that quality? Bob Feller? Lefty Grove? Fuck no! When the fuck does anything associated with a 4.50 ERA get to be called “quality”? It is just another sign of the decline and fall of Western culture – we celebrate the mediocre, and call something that is actually fucking half-ass, fucking “quality”. My fucking ass. I need to talk to Glenn Beck about this shit. Goddammit!

Anyway, you can guess the rest. Bullpen can’t stop the bleeding, the game gets pissed away. Astros lose, 7-4. All in all, just another lousy day at the Juice Box. Looks like there may be plenty of those this season.

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RANDOM BALL FOUR REFERENCE. Jerry McNertney. JD mentioned him in the top of the 2nd. He said McNertney was a coach on his AAA team, and used to tell a story having to do with the frustrations associated with hitting against Catfish Hunter. If I recall correctly, Jim Bouton mentioned McNertney, who was a catcher for the Pilots, in his book. Bouton said McNertney was always talking about hunting and fishing, and the rumor was he’d never been kissed.

I WANNA DO SOMETHING FREAKY TO YOU, PATTI SMITH. In the top of 2nd, my significant other obsession was chatting with Brownie and JD, talking about holding Bush Senior’s hand during “God Bless America” on Friday; and flirting with Jeff Bagwell.

RANDOM THOUGHT ENGENDERED BY AN IN-GAME INTERVIEW. I’m sorry, but “Aramark” and “great food” are mutually exclusive terms, I don’t give a fuck who the head ‘chef’ is.

RANDOM THOUGHT ENGENDERED BY IN-GAME COMMERCIALS. I’d got to the point where I thought I might slit my wrists if I saw that fucking AT&T ‘Do you mind if I ask Sheila out?’ commercial again.  Then I saw an innocuous ad for the Brown Hand Center, and realized we are apparently being spared from more “Daddy’s little girl!!” commercials this season. Thank goodness for small favors.

1980s LYRICAL VARIATIONS ON THE ASTROS UNDERWHELMING 2011 SLOGAN, ‘WE ARE YOUR ASTROS’.

Please dont say it
I won’t take it anymore
Why should I run and hide?

We are what we are
We’re just like anybody else
We are what we are
We only want to be ourselves