Astros 2
Orioles 1

contributed by NeilT

This has been some week. Bud Selig was in town, and Bench reported that Revival Market sold out of sausage. Our ‘Stros are on a seven-game win streak, which was the first time they’ve won seven games in a row since 2010. It was also the first time in four years that I looked at the standings.

As it happens, I saw Miss Lola last week. I know you all keep up with City Hall, and like everybody else in Houston I went down to testify about the Mayor’s proposed equal rights ordinance. It’s an ordinance that requires me to bake cookies for gay couples’ weddings, but most importantly, it allows people who identify as a particular sex to use that sex’s bathroom, regardless of their actual equipment.

It was prescient, or maybe postscient, that Friday night was the Civil Rights Game, because this ordinance is all about my civil right to be discriminate. I was a bit nervous about testifying, but I knew council couldn’t make a good decision without my good counsel. Man, you can imagine how glad I was when I got to the council chamber and there was Miss Lola Laloush, all decked out in Republican red. She looked fantastic, and I made a beeline to sit beside her.

“Miss Lola,” says I, “I guess you are also here to testify against the ordinance.” Miss Lola looked at me closely, and my heart melted just a little. I stumbled on. “I’m here to protect the Astros, because a GLBTA player could ruin baseball as we know it. And by the way Miss Lola, what do you think of our team?”

There was somebody up testifying about how he was transgendered, and how she faced discrimination because of her sexual identity. Miss Lola did the wave, which I didn’t know happened at City Hall, but I followed along.

“Well NeilT, lately they’ve been great, haven’t they? Keuchel’s groundout rate is 66.5%, his ERA is 2.55—1.79 for May. He’s had two complete game shut outs and should have had a third. Springer is hitting over .500 for the last half of May, and has 10 HR. Altuve is leading the league in hits with 77 and stolen bases at 20, and you know who’s McWho. Fields, Sipp, Downs, Farnsworth, and Qualls, they look like a major league bullpen.” She was using that breathy, slightly husky Marilyn Monroe voice that just kills me, and it took her about 15 minutes to say bullpen. “Maybe how these young men appear is who they really are.”

That last bit sounded like nonsense to me, but Miss Lola surely looked sincere, and when a beautiful woman is sincere, you know exactly what she is.

On motion by Councilmember Pickles Dilltopfer of District P—“I stand for P! I stand for homourination!”—I got moved up the witness list. My Constitutional right to peeing privacy really is important to me, and when Dilltopfer speaks he is exactly right. Having peed on plenty of roadsides and in plenty of parking lots, I know you have to look both ways. I explained to the council that I had nothing whatsoever against GLBTAs, but that if this Ordinance passed, then our Astros might have to sign a transgendered third baseman just because she was a better player. “What do you think it would do to young men’s delicate psyches to have to go into a locker room with a player who had lady parts instead of man parts? What would it do to them to have go stand at a urinal by a lady with man parts? I will tell you what it could do,” I paused dramatically for emphasis, “Kris Karter and Marc Krauss could be hitting under .200.”

I pride myself in how well I read other people, and you could see from their faces that I had swayed council. Councilmember Cohen looked particularly disturbed, and it had to be about her prior position on this dangerous ordinance. She just hadn’t thought about what this so-called “equal rights” ordinance could do to baseball. I only had one question, from her honor the Mayor herself.

“NeilT, are you joking?” The Mayor clearly doesn’t know me. I never joke.

***
I followed Friday’s win from Dodger Stadium. I think my companions got tired of me randomly blurting out that they’d won seven in a row, but you know that the Astros haven’t had a winning month since September 2010? I was so happy that I cheered for the Dodgers. I even liked the Dodger Dog.

Oberholtzer got the win on a strong 7 innings with 4 hits, no walks, and one earned run. Only one K, but for that game he gets one get-out-a-gripe free card. Farnsworth gave up one walk, Sipp gave up a hit and was pulled, then Qualls closed things out on 1.1 innings with 2 Ks, no hits, and no BBs. Where were these guys for the first nine days of May when the bullpen was blowing games, the ‘Stros went 2 for 9, and the TZ was roiling?

And this game wasn’t the Altuve/Springer show either. Both runs came in the 7th, with Dominguez scoring on a Grossman double, followed by Grossman scoring on a Villar double.

I hope this lasts forever, or at least June. To quote Mr. Happy, I could get used to this.

Astros (23-32) 3, Orioles (26-26) 1

Contributed by Mr. Happy

The Astros combined the pop of King George’s bat with some nifty pitching to best the Birds of Baltimore last night. Springer hit his tenth home run of May, but all was not peaches and cream for the Good Guys from a hitter’s perspective. The Astros could muster but five knocks in the game, although when one of them leaves the yard with a man aboard, that helps. The situational hitting bug-a-boos continue to plague the Astros as they were a putrid 1-15 w/RISP, leaving nine LOBsters. The hitters also racked up nine K’s, versus four free passes.

The inconsistent Ubaldo Jimenez actually was pretty good last night, or at least much better than his last time out against the Tribe. I watched that game, and he ran up a high pitch count and imploded in the fifth frame. However, Brad Peacock matched him toe-to-toe, tossing six frames of one run baseball, striking out eight while issuing no free passes. The bully was excellent last night in securing the win, as FIELDS! went two frames for the win, and Chad sQualls picked up his fourth save. It is noteworthy that the Astros pitching staff issued zero free passes last night while striking out 12. It was an excellent performance out of the staff and lowered the staff ERA to a respectable 4.20.

The Astros are suddenly finding themselves back in respectable territory and are only nine games under .500. The team BA has climbed to .238. As the Good Guys prepare to don the throwback jerseys of the Houston Eagles in tonight’s civil rights game, it is a good time to reflect on the strides that society in the United States has made in this area. It has been quite significant in my lifetime. I still remember all-white restaurants and bathrooms. Brett Oberholtzer (1-6, 5.32) squares off against righty Miguel Gonzalez (3-3, 4.35). Come join us in the Game Zone.

Time of the Ball Game: 2:56.
Attendance: 22,884.
Roof: Open

Fifth victory in a row provides the Good Guys with a sweep of the Royals in Kansas City

contributed by Sphinx Drummond

BOX

Chris Carter, that’s Carter with a “C” hit 2 home runs, his 7th and 8th, and George Springer added his 9th homer of the season to power the Astros past the Kansas City Royals in a 9 to 3 victory on Wednesday afternoon. Jarred Cosart didn’t have his best stuff but it didn’t matter, he didn’t need to pitch a shutout, only limit the damage and the poor Royals couldn’t do much damage with their woeful offense which is mired in last for home run production and slugging percentage.

Cosart worked five innings, giving up 4 hits and 2 BB with just one K. He allowed 2 runs to score, but only one was earned. Jerome Williams worked two innings in relief, giving up the third run in the 7th inning. Darin Downs worked a scoreless 8th inning and Kyle Farnsworth finished with a scoreless 9th.

Currently the Astros have the Cubs and Diamondbacks looking up at them in the MLB standings but while the Astros may be on the move up, they are still in last place in the AL, and it’s a long way from the outhouse to the penthouse. However, there are reasons for optimism. Chris Carter has his batting average up to an even .200. The first three batters in the lineup all have OBPs over .361. Wednesday the team walked more than it struck out. The starting pitching has been solid and seems to be gaining a level of consistency. They had a winning record on their road trip!

Thursday the Astros return home to face the Baltimore Orioles in a four game series. Brad Peacock will open the series facing Ubaldo Jimenez in a 7:10 start. I expect to start seeing larger crowds at the ballpark, it’s a by-product of winning. Now if they could work out a television deal, things would start falling back into place.

Attendance – 16220
Game Time – 3:21
Temperature – 88

Astros 4, Mariners 1

Submitted by Reuben

These questions may be easy for many of you, if you follow MLB as a whole more closely than I do these days: Who is now 5th in the AL in ERA, with 2.55? Who is tied for 1st in the AL in WHIP, at 0.98? Who is 5th in K/BB ratio, with a 5.08/1? Who is 7th in Innings Pitched, including 1st among those who have made only 10 starts? Who is tied for first in Complete Games, and 2nd in Shutouts?

In other words, who has been one of the very best pitchers in the AL by virtually every measure? Yep, our boy Dallas Keuchel. Now raise your hand if you saw this coming before the season.

Keuchel turned in yet another masterful performance Sunday afternoon, baffling Seattle hitters for the full 9 innings, allowing just 4 hits, 0 walks, and needing only 106 pitches. In fact, if not for his own error, and some crummy luck at the end of his last game, Dallas would have 3 shutouts now.

The Astros offense gave him a decent amount of support, as George Springer’s 6th-inning 2-run home run (his 3rd in 2 days) reversed the 1-0 deficit, and Krauss’s 2-run shot an inning later provided some breathing room. Jose Altuve had another multi-hit game, bringing his AVG to .326, good for 3rd in the league. While I generally detest premature All-Star talk, I can’t help but wonder if the Astros will actually wind up with more than the required 1 per team this year. Keuchel and Altuve certainly have both earned it thus far, although there is plenty of competition.

***

Futility Watch: While the Astros won their 2nd game in a row (and now have a 3-game Sunday winning streak), it was not a good week for them, thanks to the 4-game losing skid from Anaheim to Seattle, so they are once again the worst team in baseball. The Cubs, at 18-30, are .002 percentage points better than the Astros (1/2 game), and Arizona is 20-32, also a half-game ahead. But guess who is now rather close, in 27th place? None other than The Defending World Champs, the Boston Red Sox, thanks to their current 10-game losing streak. The Astros are only 2 games behind the World Champs.

Astros 9, Mariners 4

W: Oberholtzer (1-6)
L: Maurer (1-3)

The Mariners decided to celebrate 1979 on Saturday, so the Visiting Nine broke out the Rainbow Gut jerseys before administering a first-class Village People-style ass-whipping right out of the 70s. Careful not to stain the polyester, the Astros Got To Be Real with a pair of two-run bombs from Le Freak George Springer, who wouldn’t even be born until ten years after the year being celebrated. For Houston, Every 1 Was A Winner yesterday because Seattle couldn’t Hold The Line during this Boogie Wonderland.

No Cedeno or Cruz, no J. R. Richard or Joe Niekro necessary, as the Team That Made Mario Mendoza Famous staggered and bumbled like baseball’s Chuck Wepner, unable to slip even the wildest of punches. Altuve, discoing the league in hits, didn’t stop ’til he got enough to lead Houston in tying its season high with 11 on the day. Heaven Knows, Obie Oberholzer had a bad case of loving the feeble Mariners, giving them the Sad Eyes by challenging them in the strike zone and setting them down after a two-run first. These were Good Times, not a Tragedy. Ain’t No Stopping Us Now.

Iwakuma takes on Keuchel today in a Slopmaster’s Special. Maybe you can catch it on the radio, because those of us in Texas sure as hell won’t see it on TV.

Astros 5, Orioles 2

Submitted by Reuben

That’s more like it, now. The Astros took a 3-0 lead 3 batters into the game Sunday afternoon, as walks to Altuve and Fowler were followed by a first-pitch homer off the bat of Jason Castro. While it didn’t initially appear that he had gotten enough to get it all the way out – especially as Oriole CF Adam Jones casually cruised back after it – Castro’s shot just kept carrying to straightaway CF. An impressive clout for a guy who hasn’t looked like himself lately.

Technically those 3 runs were enough, but let’s be honest here, who really thinks the Astros could have protected a mere 3-2 lead those last few innings? Marc Krauss, who presumably has an inkling that his MLB job is on life support, provided 2 very valuable insurance runs when he homered off O’s lefty McFarland with Matt Dominguez on base. Krauss finished 2-for-4 with a walk, raising his average to a less-pathetic .187.

Meanwhile, Jarred Cosart pitched another fine game, despite not really having his great curve working. Baltimore hitters bunched together 4 singles in a row to plate 2 runs in the 3rd inning, but otherwise Cosart did a great job of pitching out of trouble, as he had baserunners in all but one of his 6 innings. The key moment came in the bottom of the 5th, when a walk and double gave the O’s two men in scoring position with 1 out and a 3-2 score. Cosart struck out cleanup hitter Jones on 3 pitches – leading to a hilarious bat-slamming display by Jones – and then coaxed a fly ball from Nelson Cruz to get out of the inning unscathed.

Coming on in relief of JC was Tony Sipp, who is bidding for McHugh-esque legendary status with his early Astro career numbers – he’s now thrown 4 perfect innings, spanning 3 games, with 7 K’s. Sipp’s excellent extended outing allowed for a smooth transition to Chad Qualls, who presumably won a pre-game rock/paper/scissors tournament and thus was Today’s Closer. To be fair, Qualls has had good results since his April 19th meltdown, tossing 7 scoreless innings with 8 K’s, 6 H and 1 BB. He shrugged aside a 2-out HBP to notch the Save today.
***

Also Of Note: Altuve was 3-for-4 with his 11th 2B, and a BB. Now hitting .288 with a .343 OBP… Matty D notched 2 hits for the 3d game in a row, bringing his AVG to .252… Springer was 0-for-5 with 4 K (all swinging), so evidently the dingers haven’t helped him relax any.
***

Futility Watch: The Astros are now tied with the Cubs for the fewest Wins in the Majors after Chicago lost to the Braves Sunday afternoon, their 3rd straight defeat. Meanwhile, the D-backs won their 2nd in a row as some guy named Chase Anderson made his MLB debut by tossing 5 1/3 IP with 2 hits and 1 R for the win. Despite a 12-10 road record the D’backs are a cringe-worthy 3-15 at home. The Astros remain the worst overall, though, 1 game behind the Cubs and 2 behind AZ for 28th place. (note: who’s 27th? Shockingly, the Rays, at 16-22)
***

box score
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Happy Mothers’ Day.