Astros 9, Mariners 4
W: Oberholtzer (1-6)
L: Maurer (1-3)
The Mariners decided to celebrate 1979 on Saturday, so the Visiting Nine broke out the Rainbow Gut jerseys before administering a first-class Village People-style ass-whipping right out of the 70s. Careful not to stain the polyester, the Astros Got To Be Real with a pair of two-run bombs from Le Freak George Springer, who wouldn’t even be born until ten years after the year being celebrated. For Houston, Every 1 Was A Winner yesterday because Seattle couldn’t Hold The Line during this Boogie Wonderland.
No Cedeno or Cruz, no J. R. Richard or Joe Niekro necessary, as the Team That Made Mario Mendoza Famous staggered and bumbled like baseball’s Chuck Wepner, unable to slip even the wildest of punches. Altuve, discoing the league in hits, didn’t stop ’til he got enough to lead Houston in tying its season high with 11 on the day. Heaven Knows, Obie Oberholzer had a bad case of loving the feeble Mariners, giving them the Sad Eyes by challenging them in the strike zone and setting them down after a two-run first. These were Good Times, not a Tragedy. Ain’t No Stopping Us Now.
Iwakuma takes on Keuchel today in a Slopmaster’s Special. Maybe you can catch it on the radio, because those of us in Texas sure as hell won’t see it on TV.