Much of the focus in the pre-season and afterwards with regards to the newly geographically specific Miami Marlins has been on their garish spaceship of a stadium.  Built with an amount of debt and tackiness that would doubly impress Donald Trump, it stands as the one bit of personality that the previous, generically Floridian Marlins lacked.   So they’ve got that.

And it couldn’t have happened to a classier city.  My one visit to that part of South Florida came around the time that Grand Theft Auto: Vice City was out, and it was truly surreal to ride around in a cab, through what were certainly the levels I’d been playing the night before.  I’m pretty sure there are still some poorly-AI’ed police cars chasing me down there for all those pedestrians I smushed.

The other Marlins storyline has been their titanic jackass of a manager Ozzie Guillen.  One of these days, some maniac is going to assemble a team with Carlos Zambrano, Milton Bradley, Luke Scott, Kyle Farnsworth, Bryce Harper, Manny Ramirez, and A.J. Pierzinski on it, with Ozzie managing, Ugeuth Urbina as pitching coach and Barry Bonds as hitting coach.  Then they’ll sign lil Timmy Lincecum as a chew toy.

This whole season feels like the final week of classes to me.  Everyone’s really busy getting ready for that next step, and as much as you’ve been told that the Real World is better than College Life, you want to believe in your heart that an eternal stay in the college town of your choice would actually be a positive, affirming life decision.  Now, I’m not saying that the AL represents the Real World.  If anything, the Astros are graduating from a pensioned position at a Fortune 500 company to work as a fucking fry cook at the Dairy Queen in Nacogdoches.  But it feels like the end of school, because A) you want to believe that the Next Step won’t be so bad, and you wish you could just stay even though you can’t and B) you’re getting to see all of these people for the final time.  Good, bad and ugly, you’re never going to really see them except at the rare reunions or tailgates or whatever, and it won’t be the same.  And it fucking sucks.  Even that crazy guy that you just met last week, the one with the jumping slot machine fish in center field, you know there’s not anybody like that Out There.

Probable Pitchers

Friday, April 13th

6:10 CT, Krusty’s Fun World Stadium

Lucas Harrell (1-0, 0.00) v. Ricky Nolasco (1-0, 3.68)

Harrell had an impressive outing in his first Astros start, beating an old man and not giving up any earned runs.  He’s never faced the Fish before.  Here’s hoping he makes some sushi.  FISH PUNS!

Ricky Nolasco dresses like a member of Color Me Badd’s road crew. He’s a terrible person because of this single fact.  Chris Johnson is 3 for 7 against him, and Schreefer has a triple.  Everyone else is pretty meh against him.  Slap that sorry-ass excuse for a goatee off his face and let’s get to him early.  The Marlins relievers are having seizures in the bullpen due to the proximity to the home run sculpture thing.

Saturday, April 14th

6:10 CT, Frank Gehry Presents base\BALL Stadium

Bud Norris (0-0, 2.57) v. Carlos Zambrano (0-0, 6.00)

Bud’s off to a strong-ish start, with plenty of K’s against the Rockies on Sunday.  Against the Marlins, Greg Dobbs has homered off him, and Chris Coughlan is completely hitless in 11 AB’s.  Everyone else is somewhere in between.

Fuck Big Z. That is all.

Sunday, April 15th

1:10 CT, Amazing Technicolor Dream Park

J.A. Happ (1-0, 4.50) v. Anibal Sanchez (1-0, 2.84)

Jay started sloppy but came away with a win last week.  This is actually a pattern I can deal with over the course of a season.  Giancarlo “Joey Belle” Stanton has a homer off Happ, but bats .148 otherwise.  Collectively, the Marlins hit .200/.345/.311 against Happ, but Lord knows what effect having a highlighter-colored outfield wall will do as far as seeing the ball out of his hand.

Anibal, who not only has a girl’s name but also mis-spelled it, has been sneaky-good for the past couple of years.  Among the Astros, battery mates Happ and Castro are .500 against him and Justin Maxwell has a homer off him.

Prrrrromotions

It’s opening weekend at this particular new stadium.  Let that sink in before we proceed:

Friday: Post-game Daddy Yankee concert, sponsored by Cholula Hot Sauce.   Daddy Yankee, the poor man’s Pitbull, brought to you by a truly saucy wench.

Saturday: Saturday Spectacular.  No description is provided, so I can only assume it means Cuban sandwiches for all, DWI’s for some.

Sunday: It’s Family Sunday, and the first 5,000 kids get an Opening Weekend Poster.  When you stare at the poster, it looks like third place in the NL East.

Injuries:

Astros: Sergio Escalona is only mostly dead.  Jed Lowrie is back, baby.

Marlins: Jose Ceda (who looks like a clean shaven Rick Ross, appropriately enough), had Tommy Juan surgery.

What To Watch For

– The COLORS

– THE COLORS!

– A story bout a man named Jed, who played shortstop, even though Marwin is pretty decent already.

– The regression to the mean.

Talk about it in the Game Zone!

At the risk of sounding like a certain Apple-whoring Brit, I’ve got a technology story to tell.  A friend sent me a Spotify invite about a month ago, and it’s been a huge part of my life ever since.  For those of you who are unfamiliar, Spotify is a music streaming service, popular overseas and just recently available Stateside.  Everything is on Spotify. Everything. No indie band is too obscure, no B-side too rare. And the way I’ve been using it reminds me of this year’s Astros.

No one can listen to every good thing out there.  We’re finite beings.  But that’s not going to stop people from trying.  I’ve been taking advantage of the depth and ease of Spotify to catch up.  Bands and artists I’ve known for years that I should be familiar with, or that I would just love if I took the time to listen are all there for the clicking.  So I’ve been taking advantage.  Like the rookies on the current Astros roster, I’ve found some winners and some AAAA players.  And also like the Astros, these initial impressions could be completely wrong.  Chris Johnson could end up a better player than Jimmy Parades.  I could change my mind about the excruciating qualities of Neil Young’s voice or my newfound love of Jawbreaker.

I have a sticky  note on my desk at work with the names of bands that have popped into my head periodically over the  past week.  I’m planning on looking them all up soon.  New Order.  Husker Du. The Birthday Party.  Eric B.& Rakim.  I’m enjoying the journey, being the rookie learning from these veterans.   Hopefully it’ll make my appreciation of the music I already love deeper, and opening some surprising new avenues.

This roster is far from a world beater.  It’s hard to make the case that even with every player at their full potential you’d have a shot at the NL Central title.  But there are some very talented kids out there on the final week of the season.  They’re worth a spin.

Probable Pitchers

Thursday, September 22nd

7:05 CT, MMPUS

Henry Sosa v. Alex White

I predict a 9-6 Astros win.  MIND TAKER!

Friday, September 23rd

7:05 CT, MMPUS

Drew Promeranz (1-0, 1.69) v. Brett Myers (6-13, 4.39)

A rookie.  Shit.  On the upside, his name sounds like a small dog.

Brett’s been pretty decent lately. Unfortuantely, the Rox hit .385 off him as a team, and he’s literally never gotten Jason Giambi out.  2011 Giambi, even.  Yikes.

Saturday, September 24th

6:05 CT, MMPUS

Jason Hammel (7-13, 4.85) v. J.A. Happ (6-15, 5.48)

Despite his shitty numbers this year, Hammel has our number pretty well.  Schafer and Quintero hit .333.  If they both bat about 9 times, we should be okay.  Math!

Happ has been a lot better since his return from OKC exile.  Carlos Gonzalez, the erstwhile Piggy Wigginton, something called Seth Smith and Kevin Karamazov, er Kouzmanoff all hit him pretty well, though.  However, only one RBI against him from the whole team.  So there’s that.

Sunday, September 25th

1:05 CT, MMPUS

Jhoulys Chacin (11-13, 3.66) v. Lucas Harrell (0-1, 2.00)

I can only assume that Mr. Chacin’s name is pronounced like “Julius”, but sweet mother of mercy, that’s awkward.  As punishment for a shitty name, he gets hit to the tune of .421 by the Mud and Blood.  Bogusevic and Q have hit him particularly well, including a homer for Q.

Meanwhile, the normally-named Harrell looks like a randomly generated baseball player from a mid-00’s video game.  Mark Ellis is 1-3 against him, Kouzamanoff is 0-fer in five AB’s, and no one else has seen him.  Hopefully they catch Astros Rookie Pitcher Syndrome (ARPS) against him.

Prrrromotions!

Okay, first off, I’ve never been able to find the clip that inspires me to add extra R’s to Promotions in every preview, but since I’ve already included one Birdman clip, I might as well post this.  It’s my favorite Colbert performance of all time.  No exceptions.

Friday:
50th Anniversary Cap
Fireworks
COLLEGE NIGHT! WHOOOOOOOOO!

Saturday:
50th Anniversary Blanket (noticing a theme yet?)

Oktoberfest  (with cheaper beer?  you wish!)

Sunday:

50th Anniversary T-shirt

Fan Appreciation (I’m going to this game, and I’m liking my odds of winning one of the giveaways, since there should only be 10 other fans there)

Kids Run the Bases!

Injuries

Astros

The usual suspects, plus Norris and Michaels, neither of whom will be seen again this year.  Michaels, maybe not again period.

Rockies

Holy shit, it’s like half their roster:

So it comes down to this.  The bastards and unwanted children are back from Oklahoma, where many of them would still be languishing were it not for the dismal goings-on at Crawford and Texas.  The family favorites have been sitting at the Big Kids Table for a while now, and from the looks of some of them, they ain’t going back to the orphanage anytime soon.  The Big Bad Brewers come to town toting the NL Central title belt and a nasty hangover.  Let’s give them a Texas welcome.

There’s nothin’ in the world
That you can do
You gotta come on up to the house
And you been whipped by the forces
That are inside you
Come on up to the house

Probable Pitchers

Friday, September 2nd

7:05 CT, MMPUS

Zach Grienke (13-5, 4.05) v. Lucas Harrell (0-0, 0.00)

Grienke has been pretty good this year.  The only reason I know this is because he’s on my fantasy team.  So now I have that whole “who to root for” thing going.  I’m pulling for a 9 inning, 1 hit, 0-1 loss for Grienke.  Barmes hits him well, and the Little Guy and Borgey are 1 for 3 against him.

Harrell’s the waiver pick up from the ChiSox who’s put together a nice little run at AAA.  He’s making his debut tonight, so let’s all give him a big hand.

Saturday, September 3rd

6:05 CT, MMPUS

Chris Narveson (9-6, 4.28) v. Bud Norris (6-8, 3.68)

Narveson is back from the DL for cutting his thumb.  Because he cut himself with scissors.  I guess he never listened to that Weird Al album.  Altuve and Corporan are both over .400 against him, and Caballo is .375 with 2 taters.  Quick question: if Carlos stays in the league until he’s 40, he could conceivably be within spitting distance of 500 homers.  (Particularly if he starts DH’ing somewhere in 2013.)  Would that make him a beloved Thome-esque figure in the twilight of his career?

Bud’s put together a solid second half coming into this series against the Brewies.  Mark Fucking Kotsay is the only shlub from Wisconsin who hits him particularly well.  Everyone else is in the .200’s.

Sunday, September 4th

1:05 CT, MMPUS

Shaun Marcum (11-5, 3.24) v. Wandy Rodriguez (10-9, 3.43)

Marcum, the erstwhile Blue Jay, is hit well by Brett Wallace, which tells you that he’s right handed.  Other than that, whatever, he’ll be losing game 3 of the NLCS to the Phillies anyway.

Wandy is still here, and I’m glad for it.  Not because I distrust Wade or some such bullshit, but because I really do love watching him pitch.  When his curve is on, it’s one of the most devastating pitches I’ve ever seen.  Braun has his number, with 3 homers and a matching .375 average.  At least hold him to an inside the park triple, maybe.

Injuries

Astros

It’s all the same suspects.  Lyons, Castro, Arias.  Rinse and repeat.

Brewers

Brandon Kintzler – right forearm fracture.  Owwie.

Manny Parra – Expected the have a screw in his elbow replaced.  What do you expect from a guy whose name sounds like he came into the majors with Davey Lopes.

Mitch Stetter – hip labral irritation.  That’s what she said?

Rickie Weeks – left ankle sprain.  That’s what happens when you keep the nickname you got when you were four years old.

Prrrromotions!

Friday – fireworks.  Duh.

Saturday – Carlos Lee Bobblehead.  It bobbles for average, but not much power.

Sunday – Dog Day.  Not because it’s hot, but because you can bring your canine.

What to Watch For:

– The return of the Rodeo Clown, The Walrus, Big Johnson, Lil Lyles, and The Shucker.  (Sorry, ran out of steam there)

– Harrell’s first start

– The kids.  It’s all about the kids.

Talk about it in the Game Zone!!

Like two skydivers without secondary chutes, two teams are meeting on the way down.  Their problems are unique: one is shedding the best owner it’s ever had in a cloud of acrimony and budget-slashing, while the other has an owner whose end of ownership trials includes an actual trial, with hookers and everything.  So here’s your visual preview of the series:

Like everybody else, I’m enjoying watching the kids play, which makes the presence of hacks like Fulchino and Abad all the more infuriating.  I wish we had Bullpen Tinkerer Ed Wade back.

I stared at the blank screen for an hour before I could force myself to starting writing this preview.

Also, how quick before they paste J.D. Martinez’s face on one of the old Hunter Pence banners outside MMPUS?

If this seems scattershot, that’s because it is.

How many runs/wins better is Jordan Lyles if we cloned Barmes and installed him at all the infield positions?

I’m 3 for 4 as a mentor.  So far.  And it’s breaking my heart.  I saw the fourth kid for what will likely be the last time in a long time at Sunday’s game.  I can’t stop thinking about that game, the island in the sea of sadness and hurt and fucked up shit in his life.

That’s what every game should be.  And what no game should have to be.

Screw it.  Let’s stay up late and watch baseball.

Probable Pitchers

Friday, August 12th

9:10 CT, Dojer Stadium

Bud Norris (5-8, 3.73) v. Nathan Eovaldi (1-0, 3.60)

Bud’s put together a solid season, certainly better than the numbers indicate.  MLB.com tells us that he pitched six scoreless against the Dodgers, which probably means that (/goes to check) the bullpen blew it.  Yup.  1-0 loss.  Fuckers.  Anyway, Eithier, Kemp and Blake are the only hitters who are doing well against him.  Which sucks, since they’re like the backbone of the Bums right now.

We’ve never seen Nathan Eovaldi before.  Ahem.

Saturday, August 13th

9:10 CT, Dojer Stadium

Wandy Rodriguez (8-8, 3.52) v. Clayton Kershaw (13-5, 2.79)

Wandy is giving national sportswriters aneurysms right now; they can’t decide whether to castigate Wade for signing him to such an “exorbitant” contract, or for not finding a trade partner before the deadline.  Fuckers.  Only Juan Rivera, Blake, and Tony Gwynn The 2nd hit him over .300.

Kershaw’s putting up another solid season.  The good news is that Carlos hits .400 with a homer against him.  The bad news is that the only homer that Carlos will see on Saturday is Vin Scully.

Sunday, August 14th

3:10 CT, Dojer Stadium

Jordan Lyles (1-6, 4.88) v. Hiroki Kuroda (7-14, 3.01)

Lyles hasn’t faced L.A. before, so hopefully he shakes the Arizona sand out of his ass and whoops them.

Kuroda’s record is so out of whack with his ERA that you’d figure he was one of our starters.  Jokes!  Sanchez and Q hit .500 against him, and Carlos has .294 going for him.  Everyone else was still nursing the last time the Astros played the Dodgers.

Injuries

Astros:

Castro, Arias, Lyon: Duh.

Del Rosario: Working out in Houston.  Aren’t we all, man?

Jordan Schafer: Starting rehab next week.

Dodgers:

Johnathan Broxton: Bone spurs.  Ouch.

Rubby De La Rosa: let’s reflect on this guy’s name.  If his “date of birth” is also the same day that a DeLorean was seen in the parking lot of Lone Pine Mall, I think we have only one conclusion to draw: a Cuban League player killed Marty McFly.

Jon Garland: Of course he’s on the DL.  He’s so on the DL, he’s having sex with Will Smith.

Dee Gordan: day to day.  Crashing with Uncle Phil and Aunt Viv in the meantime.

Kenley Jansen: Sounds like a Kinkaid lacrosse player, right?  Nope.  He’s just a dark-skinned guy with an irregular heartbeat.

Vicente Padilla: apparently still exists.  Out for the season with a stiff neck.

Juan Uribe: Left hip strain.  That happens when you’re sixty.  Because Juan Uribe is old.

Prrrrrromotions!

Friday: Fireworks!  Is there an Angeleno version of Pam Gardner?  Apparently so.

Saturday: Hong-Chih Kuo Poster, brought to you by the Taiwan Tourism Board.  Come for the pitchers, stay for the possible attack from the mainland!

Sunday: Kids backpack.  All the hipster scriptwriters are going to wear them ironically.

What to Watch For:

The kids.  Duh.

Sorry for being dark.

Talk about it in the Game Zone!

I’m a cheapskate.  I don’t buy anything full price unless I can help it.  I guess groceries are excepted, because who the hell waits for milk to go on clearance?   If I were an MLB GM right now, looking at the roster would be like seeing one of those guys wearing a sandwich board near a going-out-of-business sale.  Everything. Must. Go!   Even fixtures for sale.   Hell, Wade would probably trade Stretch Suba right now if he could get a A-ball pitcher whose heater breaks 90.

Basically, I just wanted an excuse to post the video above.  What more do you want from me on a work day with a 1:20pm game?

Probable Pitchers

Friday, July 22nd

1:20 CT, Drunk Fucktard Field

Bud Norris (5-6, 3.59) v. Carlos Zambrano (6-5, 4.78)

Lost behind the W-L record and the general bullshit of this season is the fact that Budly has finally come into his own as a starting pitcher.  At the beginning of the season, I thought he might be better suited as a back-of-bullpen fireballer, but he’s really become a pitcher.  Starlin Castro and Carlos Pena hit him well, but everyone else is below .250 against him.

Fuck Carlos Zambrano.  Even adopting a kid can’t make me like him.  And fuck his numbers too.  I hope he make Mike Quade so mad today that it actually makes blood rush to Quade’s face.

Saturday, July 23rd

12:05 CT, Ivy Ain’t Charming, It’s A Weed Field

Wandy Rodriguez (6-6, 3.67) v. Randy Wells (1-3, 6.71)

It’s your audition, Wandy!  Prove you’re not Jeff Suppan!  Just watch out for Soto and Darwin Barney, cause they’ve got your number.

Randy Wells player photo looks like he just bought the fat girl at the end of the bar a cosmo.  “Yeah, The Beard is getting some tonight, for sure.  Bitches love cosmos.”   Carlos and Hunter have both homered off Wells, plus Bourn and Q hit him well, too.  Hopefully the fat girl keeps Wells up all night, and he can have “heat exhaustion” and leave the game early.

Sunday July 24th

1:20 CT, The Good Wife Is A Surprisingly Good Show Set In Chicago Field

Jordan Lyles (0-5, 4.55) v. Matt Garza (4-7, 3.80)

You know what?  Fuck the “Poor Lyles” storyline.  He’s pitched fairly well, showed some promise, but it’s not like he’s been dominant and then the bullpen screws it up.  He’s a good young pitcher who’s not even up to his potential yet.  And I hope to crap that he gets #1 in Chi-town.  In his first start against the Cubs, he held them to  a collective .217 average.

Matt Garza has underperformed compared to Cubfan’s expectations.  Gee, where have I heard that story before?  Suck it, Cubfan.  The only savior your franchise will ever have is Jesus, and He’s noticed your special approach to “love your neighbor”.  The ‘stros have faced him once, and hit him well to the tune of .320/.520/.866

Injuries

Astros:

Arias, Castro, and Lyon, of course.

Abad – back from 15 Day soon.

Bourgeois – activated today, in RF as soon as Pence gets traded.

Cubs:

Andrew Cashner – No timetable for return.  He should change his name to “Playoffs”.

Marcos Mateo – Strained right elbow.  Wank joke!

Brian Schlitter – 60 day DL since March 30.  You do the math, because I don’t get it.

What to watch for:

This could very well be the last series with several players in Astros uniforms.  If Pence is one of them, I’ll always look back fondly on his time with the team, despite his shortcomings.  The kid loves to play baseball, and he plays hard.  If he ever plays on a championship team, no one is going to have more fun with a champagne bottle in his hands than Hunter.

Talk about it in the Game Zone!

Welcome, loyal readers, to my newest venture!  I, Richard Justice, have pioneered into the web world once again by creating a unique sports website, unlike anything else out there.[1] As the foremost authority on Houston sports, I’ve made Dickland your one  stop destination for sports and entertainment commentary that’s so edgy I can say “fuck” once or twice a week.  I even brought on my best friend in the whole wide radio world, Ken Hoffman, to give me some credibility with people who find don’t know that The Blind Side was a book first, and who still think Dave Barry is funny and relevant.[2] It’s here that you’ll get your fix of my unique, unequivocal perspective on Houston’s favorite baseball team: the Texas Rangers.

Yes, I love the Rangers.  I’ve always loved them, even though I’ll hate them tomorrow.  I love them so much, I’m going to hang Nolan Ryan’s shirt on my wall.  Not his jersey, one of those golf polos he wears to games now.  I deliberately spilled some Diet Coke on his shirt in Arlington a couple weeks ago, and then just stole the damned thing right off him.[3] It’s going to hang in my living room, next to the blue dress I wore when Vince Young and I played a little game of President Clinton.

No team is better run than the Rangers, even though people are starting to realize that Nolan’s kind of a stubborn asshole, and they’ve only really had success for about 3 years.  They’re a dynasty, all right.  NO ONE DENIES THIS!  I bet Uncle Drayton wishes he could have the kind of success that Nolan’s had in Arlington[4]: from last place to losing the World Series?   You think Drayton could do that?  And the Rangers have this DH thing that is just incredible.  Just wait until the Astros are in the AL West and can finally drink deeply from the Fountain of Fat Ass Sluggers Who Can’t Field.

Let me tell you about Taylor Jungmann.  Wait, let me tell you about how great George Springer will be.  No, let me pretend to know a gat-damn thing about player development.  You know, when I was at UT, when the coeds were pretty and the summers were long, I developed a way to make tangents seem like actually deliberate narrative decisions.

What I do know is this: when the Rangers come to Minute Maid Park this week, there will be one fan who will leave happy.  That’s right.  Me.  Because whichever team wins, I’ll say I was rooting for them.  And whoever loses, I can still insert myself into the story.  The rest of you lousy fucks can just scrape around, clinging to your loyalty to this bunch of losers.  If you keep reading this tripe, I might finally be able to afford hair plugs.

Probable Pitchers

Tuesday, June 28th

7:05 CT, MMPUS

C.J. Wilson (7-3, 3.17) v. Jordan Lyles (0-2, 4.20)

*Takes of Justice mask* Okay, that was painful.  The real hometown team hits Wilson pretty well, to the tune of .389 collectively.   Bourgey and Bourney hit him well, so hopefully we can tag him early and often.

Lyles is still looking for his first win.  At this point, he’ll have to go the distance to get a W, because the fucking bullpen ain’t helping.

Wednesday, June 29th

7:05 CST, MMPUS

Colby Lewis (6-7, 4.44) v. Brett Myers (3-6, 4.65)

The battle of the over 4 ERA’s!  Oooh.  Plus, Lewis looks like Jason Sudekis getting a prostate exam.  And he’s pretty lights out against the ‘stros, except for Michaels and Johnson, which would be great if this were 2010.  Michael Young, Josh Hamilton and Nelson Cruz are pretty unconscious against Myers, but everyone else sucks.  Which would be great if that weren’t the heart of the lineup.

Thursday, June 30th

7:05 CST, MMPUS

Matt Harrison (6-6, 3.00) v. Wandy Rodriguez (5-4, 3.21)

In one appearance against the Astros, the pube-chinned Harrison got a Caballo homer for his trouble, and Bourn was 50/50 against him.  Wandy looks to bounce back into good form after getting shellacked by Tampa.  Kinsler, Hamilton, and Murphy are all over .500 against him, but almost everyone else is sub-.200, so it’s hot or cold with Eny.

Injuries

Astros:

Alberto Arias: currently the most productive member of the bullpen.

Jason Castro: rocking Billy Reid in those Astros Wives pics.  Yeah, I noticed his date too.  But it is a nice shirt.

Brandon Lyon:  Poking around Dr. James Andrews, hoping for a handout.

Humberto Quintero: Limited baseball activities.  Like what?  Throwing, but not catching?  Vice versa?

J.R. Towles: impaled by a rodeo bull.  Day-to-day.

Rangers:

Elvis Andrus: sprained wrist.   I can’t do another batch of jack-off jokes.  So let’s just say that he died on the crapper.

Omar Beltre:  That’s right!  THE Omar Beltre.  Back surgery.

Scott Feldman: Knee surgery.  And he sounds like the bullied kid from every After School Special ever.

Tommy Hunter: Grade 1 groin sprain.  I’m just reading what it says.  Is Grade 1 worse or better than Grade 2?  Is this like golf, but without the white balls?

Mike Napoli: Strained oblique.

Darren O’Day: Torn labrum.  Pitched on consecutive days.  Congrats, Darren!  I went to work on consecutive days, too!

Mason Tobin: Out for season.  Also has a name like a terrorist on 24.

Brandon Webb:  wait, Brandon Webb is hurt?!?  Stop the presses.

Promotions!

Tuesday: Lone Star Series t-shirt.  It’s shit colored.  Of course.

What To Watch For:

The merciful embrace of death.

Also, we finally moved into our house today.  After going 0-3 with contractors (dumb excuse, rain out, Comcast), work is finally getting done and the furniture is being shuffled about.   It’s a little weird to think that I probably won’t rent a place again until I’m in some retirement home.  I’d ponder this more deeply, but I was up late last night packing and I’m not sure I can type another wahptiupaituapiyhpreyhauiyfhkajwehtpa8944444444449y

TALK ABOUT IT IN THE GAME ZONE!

---

[1] If you haven’t seen Grantland.com, none of this is going to be funny.  Just skip to the probable pitchers.

[2] I mean, isn’t Chuck Klosterman basically Dave Barry with a good weed hookup?

[3] It helped that I put cattle tranquilizer in the Diet Coke.

[4] I have to have one footnote per paragraph.