Astrals 1
Subcontinentals 2
contributed by NeilT
People ask me, what was it like? Growing up in Cleveland? Cleveland, land of mystery, exotic, extravagant, elegant, eclectic, it is the city of a billion faces and experiences, Cleveland! And of course there are the Subcontinentals, the baseball representatives of our City, with the stylized picture of the Father of our City, Gandhi, on their caps.
It is also a City of great spirituality, home to all the major religions of the world, a place where individual and community harmony with the great mysteries is intrinsic. And now as a guru I have been sought out by my Houston sishya and asked a very different question: how does your season die in Cleveland?
“Is your season Sikh, Muslim, Hindu, or Christian?” I asked.
“None, I think,” my student from Houston replied. “I don’t think it was religious at all. I think it was just bad. Really bad.”
“Ah then, I will tell you: death of a season is a release, but also a continuation. Death and life are all one, all one. And for both the newly dead and its reincarnation you must use the proper rituals to speed your season into the great cycle. Unless of course your season was Parsi…Is it possible that your season was Parsi?”
“I don’t think it was Parsi. What happens if it was Parsi?”
“Ah then I will tell you. If it was Parsi, then the body is unclean, nasu, and a potential pollutant for future seasons. As quickly as possible you must lay it out on the great Dakhma, the Cheel Ghar–the tower of silence I think you call it–on the Western wall. It is an act of charity for the vultures which roost in the Crawford Boxes. The vultures will devour the corpse in five or six minutes. Nothing will be left but the bones.
My sishya was troubled but answered wisely for one so young. “Most Parsis seem like nice people to me. Like I said, I don’t think this season was religious, and I’m pretty sure it was too bad to have been Parsi.”
So I told my sishya of our secular rituals, the antyeshti, for a Subcontinental season, whether the season was a very good season or a very bad season.
The end of a season is not a sad occasion, for the life of a season ends in death, and the death of a season begins new life, and all is governed by karma linking life to death to life. Only in the very best seasons, the seasons when the World Series is won, will the season escape desire and samsāra and attain moksha becoming all one forever. You do not need to worry about this thing.
As death approaches, you must look to the season’s friends and fans, who must prepare for death by joining with the dying season by chanting the mantras, the win-loss record and team OPS and ERAs. After death, the Astrals corpse must be washed in very expensive beer and wrapped in an orange shroud–I believe it is orange that your Astrals should use? Do not under any circumstances use pinstripes. Pinstripes lead to sorrow.
To further prepare the body the shroud is rubbed with melted cheese product, chopped onions, chili, and fritos. This will help it burn. In Cleveland the corpse is carried in a procession of fans to the banks of the holy Cuyahoga and placed on its back on a great pyre, or just thrown in the river if the river is burning. Do not use mesquite, for the wood is bitter, but hickory and oak are popular, and fruitwood will add sweetness. I believe your holy river is the Buffalo Bayou? The fans and friends must carry the body of the season to the ghat on the River Buffalo.
The oldest fan must bring fire from the Minute Maid temple down to the river. He must chant the wāfakinwā. He must wear only an orange loincloth, and an Astrals cap. You have someone of great antiquity to do this thing? It should be the eldest among you, who has seen this ritual many times and can add perspective, or if he has no perspective he can impose certainty. This elder lights the pyre beneath the corpse, and keeps the flame stoked with unsold tickets. The fire will frighten away evil spirits, and will release the soul of the season to be reborn. If the skull fails to crack, someone must use a bat to break the skull and release the spirit. Do not let Chris Carter do this, for he will surely whiff.
It will take many hours to burn the corpse, and during these many hours the fans chant the holy words, “let’s go Astrals” and “when is the winter meeting?” and “when do pitchers and catchers report?” In the end, there should be nothing left but ash and bones. These are placed into the holy bayou to be carried to the sea. Life will begin anew, and soon the fans will be discussing the 2014 draft and the fifth starter.
There is always hope with the death of a season that the reincarnated season will have a better life, but remember, as written in the Vedas, it is all good pitching, just enough hitting, proper execution of the fundamentals, and good karma.
Namaste.
Namaste.
***
With apologies to Mr. Happy, the Laird giveth, and the Laird taketh away. Laird homered in the top of the 2nd to give the Astrals an early lead, then gave up a boneheaded error in the bottom of the 2nd that ultimately allowed the Subcontinentals to tie the game. This was a game of errors, the error by Laird, then Carter and Krauss with the amazing double error, which allowed Raburn to score. Carter tripled in the 4th but nothing happened. Altuve was caught stealing in the 6th.
Then the rain came. Oberholtzer had pitched 6 innings with no earned runs and the Astrals were down 2-1. The game was called for rain, and the Subcontinentals, thanks to poor Astrals karma, were the winners.
