By Craig Elliott

The Astros have lost four straight since last week, and there are three games left on the roadtrip before a weekend homestand. They’ve rallied late in the past two games, but just a little too late. Now it’s time for a late-night series with the Dodgers. Thursday’s game is a day-game though, so set the TiVO.

The Dodgers just swept the Brewers, but before that they were swept in two-game series by both the Padres and Snakes. The Dodgers have been slipping in the West standings while the Rockies, D-Backs, and Padres have all been hot.

When:
Tuesday, May 9, 9:10 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, May 10, 9:10 p.m. CDT – FSN
Thursday, May 11, 2:10 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – All three games will be on the L.A. broadcast, so maybe you’ll get to hear Vin Scully. Though last year he was butchering Astros’ names.

Where: Dodger Stadium

Dodger fans have finally started showing up on time, since Jeff Kent called them all pussies for not hustling.

Well, not really. But they are still pussies.

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By Craig Elliott

The Astros just lost a disappointing series to the Rockies, while the Giants lost all three to the Phillies. In fact, they’re 1-6 this month.

The Giants are getting banged up with injuries (Moises Alou) but the spotlight is all on FrankenBarry again. But the Astros website says Barry probably won’t play today, I guess because of the late game at Philly last night. Or he got one of his huge man-teats caught in a wringer or something.

When:
Monday, May 8, 9:15 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – The game will be broadcast on the side of Barry Bonds’  giant fucking head by Bay Area Fox. Settle in for late-night broadcasts all week, by the way, because Dodger Stadium is next.

Where: AT&T Park

Well we know they don’t have a roof. Reception is probably better that way.

The Giants have slipped below .500 and are bringing up the rear in the NL West. So to speak.

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By Craig Elliott

Yeah baby, that’s the way to run those fucking shitbird Jakes outta town! It may have been a short series, but it sure felt good to see a couple of wins against the Co-Ards. The Astros are off to their best start ever at 19-9. Lance Berkman took over the Major League lead in RBIs, and he’s tied for third in homers. Berkman is also third in the NL in batting average, right ahead of … BRAD AUSMUS! Ah-hahahaha! And Ausmus is second in the league in OBP, right behind Pujols. OMFG.

No time to rest though, because now it’s off to Denver. Believe it or not, at 16-13 the Rukkakies are tied for first in the NL West. Which is roughly equivalent to fourth in the Central. They just split a pair with the soon-to-suck Reds. Colorado has been hurt with injuries and odd ailments this year, and Todd Helton should be back for this series.

When:
Friday, May 5, 8:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, May 6, 7:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Sunday, May 7, 2:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – Friday’s and Saturday’s games will be on the Colorado feed, and Sunday’s will be on Fox Southwest.

Where: Coors Field

No offense to “Nate in Co,” but I fucking hate Denver sports fans. I knew several when I lived out west, and they’re like a cross between Cubs fans and Aggies. They have this creepy attachment to teams that suck, with a healthy dose of Aggie cult behavior. And they all want to call and talk on AM radio.

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By Craig Elliott

I and I just split a series with the Brewers, which included a nice short-Sheet prank on Tuesday. Lance Berkman cooled off a little, in part because he keeps stopping to pick up pretty rocks on the basepaths. Wandy took a tough loss on Monday, but Nieve got his first big-league win.

I had to listen to Bob Eucker do the Tuesday game on XM, and he’s almost as bad as Milo. He was caught in mid-story at the end of the game, and just blew off the final out and went on with his rambling. It was like, “So Joe Niekro … I think he was with the Astros then … empties his pockets and out pops the emery board … Gross flies out to Taveras to end the game … and so Niekro was caught red-handed … wasn’t he with the Astros then? … I can’t remember … anyway …”

Anyway, the 3rds just got swept in a two-game series by the not-yet-sucking Reds, though to be fair, PooHoles, Edmonds, and Rolen all missed the second game. Both the Astros and 3rds are currently looking up at the pimply, misshapen asses of the Cincinnati Reds, but hey, it’s early May. By August the Reds will be just another cinnamony turd floating down the Ohio River.

When:
Wednesday, May 3, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Thursday, May 4, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN, ESPN2

MLB Extra Innings – Both games will be on the Fox Southwest broadcast. Thursday’s game will also be on ESPN2, unless they’re showing a nail-gun tournament or something.

The channel here in Arkansas that carries Astros games is a rinky-dink little station out of Little Rock. They have lots of crappy local commercials, but by the end of the game, it’s like they run out of advertisements. So they just stay with the live feed while the Astros announcers think they’re off the air. It’s great listening. The other day against the Brewers, JD started humming “Roll Out the Barrel,” then when told to do the disclaimer after the commercial, said: “Disclaimer? I hardly even know her!”

Where: MMPUS

The Astros are home for two quick games with the Co-Ards, then it’s on the road again for a whirlwind tour of most of the NL West. Yvette will be giving away “K” cards Wednesday, so we can help NLCS MVP Roy Oswalt greet the Jakes in style.

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