By Craig Elliott
It’s always fun to visit the Great American Shitstain in April, when the Reds’ pathetic chili-ruining fans still think their team is going somewhere this season. If they can still sniff first place when the Astros come back in late August, I’ll personally eat some of their shitty-ass chili. (Actually I won’t. I’d rather drink water straight from the Ohio River than ingest some of that fecal noodle soup.)
So anyway, enough about the pissant Reds. Get ready for a dizzying array of opponents, as the Astros face five different teams over the next 11 days. And they only have one day off – May 18 – for the entire fucking month. Next Monday was supposed to be an off-day, but instead we’ll see the Astros finishing up that rainy series in San Francisco.
First though, it’s time for a quick set with the Brewers. They started the season hot, winning their first five games, but have been sub-.500 since then and sit three games out. Ben Sheets is back now, but he’s come up short in two of his three starts. He also has this long hair and shitty beard thing going now.
The Brewers took two of three from the sCrubs over the weekend, and outscored them 25-2 in the last two games. They’re also leading the league in homers with 38. Carlos Lee has 10 of those homers, and Bill Hall and Prince Fielder have five each.
The Astros are still near the top of the Central, thanks to daily bombs from Lance Berkman and some excellent pitching from most of the starters. The bullpen has been rattled more than the salt shakers at an ALS convention, but hopefully Garner’s steady hand will soon prevail. The Astros are also third in the league in homers.
The Astros can finally start talking with Team Bastard (no relation) and The Racket again. Better put fresh batteries in the Hype-ometer. Christ, shut up and pitch already.
When:
Monday, May 1, 7:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Tuesday, May 2, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
MLB Extra Innings – Both games will be broadcast on the Wisconsin feed. Hey serving wench, cheese and brats for all my men! And while you’re at it, bring along some Lipitor and Pepcid.
Where: Miller Park
The Brewers were going to let Brett Favre throw out the opening pitch, but changed their minds because everyone figured Brad Ausmus would just intercept it and run it back for a touchdown.