Astros 21
Diamondbacks 5

submitted by Neil T

Handsomely rugged Texas Ranger Captain Berk Lanceman sat in the well-appointed office of the Astros’ Director of Public Relations, Miss Lola Laloush, deep in the Astroplex in Minute Maid Park at Union Station. From all around him he could hear the faint whir of hard drives and the tap, tap, tap of computer keyboards as the coldly efficient Astros management, led by the evil genius Mike Fast, carefully calculated the probable outcomes of a Jose Altuve bunt with two men on and no outs. Across the polished mahogany desk sat a particularly beautiful woman, tall, slender, with a sweep of dark hair setting off her red St. John knit. Her long fingers tapped impatiently against the richly figured desktop.

“Captain Berkman, you are speaking to me and not the Director of Operations because we view this first and foremost as a public relations matter. We do not want your law enforcement officers doing a grab and grope on every fan who enters one of our ladies’ rooms.”

Remembering his manners, Captain Lanceman removed his silver 3X Stetson and set it brim up on a mahogany side table. Having only recently saved the nation-state of Texas from the Canadian Jade Helm 15 invasion, Captain Lanceman was now on his most important mission. “I assure you Miss Laloush, I need do no more than look at a man dressed as a woman to know something is wrong. I am a trained law enforcement officer.”

Her polished nails swept an errant strand of hair from Miss Laloush’s eyes, and Berk Lanceman couldn’t help but feel a momentary thrill. “You said ‘I,’ Captain Lanceman. Is it only you?”

“Yes ma’am. One restroom, one Ranger.”

“You understand, Captain, that Minute Maid Park has more than one women’s restroom?

“Ma’am, you are not taking this seriously. I hope you understand that I have four daughters. I don’t want them sitting in a stall while some troubled man sits to pee right next door. If I was standing at a urinal and looked at the fella next to me and he had lady parts, I don’t know if I’d ever recover. Can you imagine what it would do to a young lady to know there’s a man sitting in a stall, instead of standing at a urinal like God intended?”

“Captain Lanceman, don’t you think that transgendered men are using women’s restrooms now?”

“No ma’am. That would be illegal. This so-called Hero ordinance makes it legal for womanly men to walk into women’s restrooms and expose their manly parts to my female daughters with impunity. It makes it legal and I, Berk Lanceman, am here to stop it.”

“Mr. Lanceman, there are laws against indecent exposure, and our regular season home games are over.”

“Yes ma’am, but there are always the playoffs.”

And that was the real heart of the matter. Did handsomely rugged Texas Ranger Captain Berk Lanceman care if some guy in a dress used the ladies room? Not really, but there was a chance that the Houston Astros could face the Toronto Blue Jays in Houston in a play-off game. Ruggedly handsome Captain Lanceman was here to save Texas from the Agents of Canadian Agression. He planned to be here, ostensibly on bathroom duty, to lay a trap for his arch nemesis, the Canadian. He would catch him at last, and with this bathroom ruse the Canadian would never see him coming.

Meanwhile he had to convince this woman in this richly furnished office that he was there for a completely different purpose. She was a good-looking woman though. At least there was that.

***

So this is my last recap for the season, and I’m supposed to write some maudlin stuff about how come whatever I’ve loved them. T’ain’t true. These guys have given me fits most of the season, I have spent entirely too much time watching baseball, and they have taken this business entirely too far. I want to be watching more baseball next week. They need to take care of business.

And last night they did a pretty good job of it. Correa hit his team record 22nd home run, breaking Lance Berkman’s record. He missed the cycle by a double. But as he said, it’s not about him and his accomplishments.

The Astros were 9 for 18 with risp. The 9 missed chances were all with Altuve at the plate. Altuve was 1 for 4 with 2 RBI, and has 195 hits for the season.

Springer, Valbuena, and Rasmus were 2 for 4 with hot dates with Homeruna, and of course everybody got hits. The D-Backs starter, Rubby De La Rosa, made it through three innings, gave up 4 earned runs, and started on my fantasy team.

Meanwhile, over at the mound, Keuchel forgot he wasn’t at home and pitched 6 innings with 2 earned runs for his 20th win. Thatcher, Velasquez, and Feliz closed it out. Feliz gave up two earned runs, but iI don’t think it was a save situation.

Thanks to BG and Arky for joining me at the Armadillo Palace for the venison Frito Pie. It later demanded two Tums, but was very good. It mignt not be better than the Frito pie at Avalon Diner (which might have some cinnamon in the chili), but it’s different. And it’s very effective.

Mariners unable to torpedo Astros post season hopes.

WP: Tony Sipp (3 – 4)
LP: Danny Farquhar (1 – 7)
SV : Luke Gregerson (31)

submitted by Sphinx Drummond

BOX
Game Zone

Sometimes a baseball god needs an assist. It has been well documented that Wóden is a big baseball fan and tends to favor the Astros more often than not. It is also well documented that sometimes the Astros ask for more than one god is able to deliver. Wóden did his best but the Norse sea god Ægir is a Mariner fan and was determined not to let Wóden succeed. However Ægir was so preoccupied with Wóden that he totally missed it when Thor took over after the midnight hour.

Thor has a close relationship with Wóden, and when Wóden needs someone to put the hammer down, he has often looked in Thor’s direction. So when Wednesday ebbed into Thursday, Thor was at the ready, caught Ægir looking at Wóden and quickly handed his hammer over to their beloved Scandinavian son Colby Rasmus, whom they know as a direct descendant of St. Erasmus, Colby took the hammer and and used it to hit a single and drive in the winning run in the form of Jonathan Villar who was on third and running for Evan Gattis who had tripled. Thank you Thor. Fuck you Ægir. I’m glad Loki killed your servant Fimafeng. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Now you know why the Astros won, If you want to know how the game played out check out the gamezone and boxscore. Thursday is a day off, Friday the Astros are in Phoenix to start the last 3 game series of the regular season. Just win boys.

Astros 2
Rangers lots
submitted by Neil T

Howdy! I guess all ya’ll have been wonderin’ how things have been since I dropped out of the Presidential race. It was a tough decision on my part, and to be honest, I’d probably still be in if I hadn’t received this from the Houston Astros Baseball Club:

Dear Governor Perry:
Thank you so much for your kind invitation for us to participate in your campaign for President. It is a noble endeavor, and the Houston Astros have long been your friend and have admired your leadership in our great State and Nation.

Yours,
Miss Lola LaLoush
Director of Public Relations
Houston Astros Baseball Club

Ain’t that just the last nail in the coffin? I know a Dear John when I see it, and that’s a brush-off if ever. Of course they haven’t been all that hot themselves. Did you see that catastrophe last night? Couldn’t get out of the 4th without Kazmir given up 6 runs, their two runs were pretty much afterthoughts, and their second best player clotheslined their best player to put him out for the rest of the season, I reckon. That’s some mighty hard steppin’. Hell, if this were the Republican nomination they’d be me and Scott Walker. I guess now that they’re out of first I’m reminding everyone of my lifelong support of the Texas team, the Rangers. No one can ever say that this governor changed his loyalties.

Droppin’ out hasn’t been that bad. I’ve spent a lot of time with Anita and the kids, and have a good chance to do some coyote huntin’. And I’ve been calling lots of old friends from my gubernatorial days. Shoot, some of them even returned my calls. And I’m really glad that Walker fella was next. People were always talkin’ about how he hadn’t finished college. Hell, I was surprised he’d finished junior high. What a Wisconsin Weanie.

Meanwhile I received some nice notes from folk, includin’ this from that fella Bench:

Oh woe! Wail-y! How can this be?
A President who’s not Perr-y?
Oh woe! Boo-hoo! What can we do
Without our Rick? We have no clue!

He was always sendin’ me the nicest notes, and they say poetry is dead. Just goes to show you just have to start with a properly poetical subject.

I have been lookin’ for a new gig. That job as Commissioner of baseball got filled while I was campaigning, and the National Rifle Association hasn’t yet returned my calls. Ted Kruse called and said that once he and Trump were Co-Presidents, I could be Secretary of Energy, but I’m not being anybody’s secretary. It ain’t manly. Anyway I think I’ve found just the thing.

As you know, I was a Aggie Yell Leader back in the day, and that gives me a long history in sports. Plus I’ve been recappin’ Rangers/Astros games here on OWA for almost three years. You probably heard by now that that fella’ Patterson resigned at TU, and I’m thinkin’ it’s a fittin’ job for me while I’m waitin’ for Chancellor at A&M to open. As soon as that fella Abbott returns my calls, we’re gonna be talkin’.

Your friend,
Rick

The previous five years were horrid.

WP: Gott (3 – 2)
LP: Harris (5 – 5)
SV: Street (40)

Submitted by Sphinx Drummond