Astros 3, Braves 2

by Mr. Happy

Okay. A road win, which have been scarcer than hen’s teeth this season – which, as you know, are pretty fucking rare – must be savored. Like a piece of the choicest filet mignon that melts in your mouth, yet you want it to last forever.

For five innings, Lucas Harrell battled the Bravos, clad in quasi-throwback unis. Harrell didn’t have his best stuff and was up in the strike zone much more often than usual. He simply ran out of gas in the sixth as you said it, hen’s teeth? Who’s Bob? The Good Guys had been nursing a two run lead courtesy of a Justin Maxwell, who admires his work a bit too much for my liking, long two run home run in the fourth inning off of new Braves hurler, Paul Maholm. Yep. Astrokilla Paul Maholm, who had been toiling for the FTC, proved he was mortal indeed as we hung an L on his back tonight.

In the seventh inning, one man Braves wrecking crew Justin Maxwell hit an even longer solo shot to give the Astros the 3-2 lead that they wouldn’t relinquish. Harrell, who threw 112 pitches in six innings, was lifted in favor of FeRod, who tossed a scoreless frame. For the second night in a row, WW came on and delivered 1.1 innings, including some really fine work to the left-handed hitting Brian McCann and Freddie Freeman, striking out both, as well as retiring the pesky Larry Wayne Jones, who had reached in all three plate appearances against Harrell.

Given that the next two hitters were righties, Millsie went to the bully again in the ninth frame and brought in newly minted closer, Wilton Lopez. Lopez promptly hits Dan Uggla on a 1-2 offering. This brought up a pinch hitter for the all-field/no hit Paul Janish, Juan Francisco. Francisco immediately grounds into a game-ending twin killing to preserve the win for Lucas Harrell.

Harrell’s record is now 9-7, which is a fucking miracle on a 36-72 club, and he cut his ERA to 3.98—not a shabby rookie season for someone who was on the waiver wire just last season. 9-7 on a 36-72 team is not ‘72 Phillies Carlton-esque, mind you, but we’ll take what we can get right now. Just think, without Harrell, the Astros record would be 27-65—wrap your arms around that one and own it. Now at least someone other than Xavier Cedeno has a save on the club.

For the second straight night, the bullpen shined brightly over its three innings of work. Millsie stayed with Harrell two hitters too long in my opinion, but he masterfully maneuvered the relievers with his normal matchup tendencies to preserve the victory. Maxwell, another waiver claim, finished with a perfect 4-4 night with two long balls and a stolen sack.

Who was not hot? Gentle Ben Francisco punched out thrice around what would be a key single, scoring on Maxwell’s – I fucking refuse Brownie’s invitation to call him “J-Max” – first home run. Twice Francisco looked dumbfounded by strike three by the crafty Maholm, who uncharacteristically K’d eight in his seven innings of work. The Astros held the Braves’ hitters to four hits this time.

The road record now stands at 11-45. Onward and upward from here? Doubtful. Let’s just remember this one fondly and move on with our lives. The GameZone featured lively banter tonight for a Saturday night game and even discussed the Beatles bootleg work, working in a “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer” reset. You never know what we’ll discuss there. You just have to come check it out!

Astros 1
Braves 4

By NeilT

Much has been made of the Tomahawk Chop, and its alleged insensitive racial stereotyping, but recent scholarly studies have shown that the Atlanta Tomahawk Chop has no racial component, and in fact is long ingrained in Atlanta history and culture. We believe it safe to say that the chop predated the arrival of the Braves in Atlanta, and carries none of the derogatory connotations some critics wish to assign it.

The first reference to the chop appears in a journal kept by a Confederate soldier, Virgil Cain, during the 1864 Siege of Atlanta by Union forces led by William Tecumseh Sherman. Cain was among the troops retreating under Joseph Johnston, until Johnston was replaced by the more aggressive John Bell Hood. As Confederate casualties rose, the troops would take increasingly desperate measures to maintain morale. Cain writes:

“Some of the boys took to climbing up on the barricades during business hours and made like they was choppin cotton, up and down like they was swingin a hoe. They’d holler over at the yankees ‘we got slaves to chop our cotton, but we’ll be doin this choppin our own selves.’ Course I thought it was pretty dumb, cause they almost always got shot down off the bankment.”

So the chop predates the arrival of the Braves in Atlanta by more than 100 years, with no derogatory reference to Native Americans. Again, following the War Between the States, the chop appears as a means of self-identification within the Ku klux Klan, though its precise meaning is unclear. Because Native Americans were largely a remnant population in Georgia by the rise of the Klan, there is no reason to believe that the chop related to Native Americans. Scholars have speculated on the meaning of the motion (perhaps pulling a bell rope as a warning?), but the meaning remains unexplained.

As a major rail crossroads, and as center for many Southern military installations, during the two World Wars the chop was used by servicemen and adopted by young Atlantan males to harass local women. Sometimes the motion would be more of a push pull, indicating sexual congress, but often it was up and down indicating what was known throughout the Atlanta area as the Alkie stroke, or the chop off. It is recorded that if the women harassed were Asian, the motion might be accompanied by hollers of “chop chop.” But there is no indication that other ethnic or racial groups, particularly Native Americans, were singled out for harassment, or that the motion was derived from Native American culture.

It is believed that this last use, this so-called Alkie stroke, is the usage adopted by Atlantans as the current Tomahawk Chop, or Tomahawk Chop Off. There is no indication that the Alkie chop is identified with Native American stereotypes, but instead is tied to male sexual preening. So little is known about this so-called Alkie stroke that it is certain that the academic literature concerning the chop and it’s surprising results will continue to enlarge, and we will watch with great interest as more precise explanations arise.

I watched some of tonight’s game, enough to make me want to add a new feature to this recap: the Chop Off Player of the Game. It’s the Astros player who, at some moment in the game, makes such a creatively boneheaded (get it, get it, boneheaded?) play that you know the game is lost. Tonight’s Chop Off Player of the Game is Marwin Gonzalez.  Outstanding effort, Marwin. 

Other than that not much to be said. Gallaraga walked 7 but only struck out 4. We left 7 on base. I bet Bourn is pretty happy in an Atlanta uniform. Kimbrel is pretty amazing.

They’ll show up again tomorrow.

Astros Lose to Brewers 13 to 4; Swept Out of Milwaukee

WP: Fiers (5-4, 1.88)
LP: Lyles (2-8, 5.95)

by Sphinx Drummond

This the worst team most have ever seen. Historically bad. Only a few teams in the history of MLB can come close to being as bad. The record, as dismal as it is, is not a true indicator of how miserably bad the 2012 edition of the Houston Astros are. Any win from now to the end of the season will be a matter of just coincidence, or luck, or perhaps the other team had a bad night and Harrell was allowed to complete a game. Currently, at 35 wins and 71 losses, 29 games out of first with 56 games remaining (25 games behind in the wild card). This team belies any notion of competitiveness. Losing is not amusing nor is seeing how many games the Astros can lose. This may be a necessary purge this team is going through, but it’s hard to find any kind of pleasure in it. One only hopes it’s of a short duration.

Also, don’t listen to DoRay anymore. They need to be purged. DoRay are as unprepared and ill-equipped to perform their jobs successfully as the current Astros roster is theirs.

Brewers 8, Astros 7

by Mr. Happy

I had completely forgotten that I was supposed to cover for Budgirl on the recap of the Monday night ball game craptacular until now. So here goes nothing. What angle to take on a ball game that we tried to lose in so many ways and were almost denied by the Brewers’ bully, which is as dreadful as ours? I had already dropped a Frankie Valli reset into the mix. However, the song Henry the Eighth came to mind, particularly the statement between the first and second stanzas. Hence the take off title.

Well, let’s look at the bright side. Think of this ballgame as a double header. On the one hand, we won the six inning game 2-0 behind Bud Norris’s nice effort. However, Bud got a little wobbly with his command in the seventh, when the Brewers started hitting. And scoring. However, was Bud the loser again? Nope. That “honor” goes to Agent Cordero, who is conjuring up memories of past Astros pitchers like Marc “Exxon” Valdes, whose name actually came up in the Game Zone from the extremely erudite Dark Star.

On the other hand, we lost the three inning game 8-6. We got to witness first hand how truly difficult it’s been for Ron Roenicke to find a consistent pitcher in his bullpen too. Agent Livan Hernandez really tried to lay some meatballs in there for our hitters, who actually were hitting them. However, the disaster that is Francisco Cordero managed to come in and actually pitch as badly or worse. And Xavier Cedeno gave up a three run bomb to Cody Ransom that actually made the difference, only it looked like mere add-on at the time.

It looked like add-on because the Astros actually came within a eyelash of tying the game up in the ninth inning. If it wasn’t for a spectacular play by Izturis in the hole to nip JD at first base to end the ball game, Axford would have blown another save. The Brewers have failed on 20 save opportunities this season, and it was almost 21. As Maxwell Smart would say, “missed it by that much.” Bottom line: 8-7. Losers again. As we say in all 12 step programs, “keep coming back!”

Contributed by Reuben

Brewers 10, Astros 1

W: Gallardo (9-8)
L: Keuchel (1-4)

Box

“The outcome of the game tells the tale,” declared Chris Snyder after the latest Astros loss, and I’m going to take his word on that, because I didn’t see a single minute of it. It’s probably a good thing, too, because the early part of the night hadn’t been the best for me, and chasing it with the Astros game that transpired would’ve been rather depressing.

Instead, I went bowling with my wife, brother, and two friends at a place called The Gutter, in Brooklyn. They have a few small (possibly cathode-ray) TVs scattered throughout the place; half were showing the Olympics and half, oddly, were showing the Cubs-Pirates game. Of course, all you could really tell from glancing at the screen here and there was that the Pirates were winning, 4-0 for most of it. I didn’t realize until later when I was checking scores on my phone that AJ Burnett had come close to throwing a no-hitter for them. I doubt anybody else in the joint knew, either.

It’s getting easier and easier to root for the Pirates. Obviously, they have the rich history, Honus Wagner on through Clemente and Stargell, and they have the underdog factor, and the they’ve-endured-twenty-straight-years-of-being-shit-on factor. They have one of the best, most dynamic players in the game, McCutchen. Now they’ve got Wandy, too, and yesterday, they even took steps to eliminate their douche-bag element, trading former-Brewer, current-assclown Casey McGehee to the Yankees for Chad Qualls. How can you not like this team? Even AJ Burnett, who always seemed vaguely dickish and unlikable, is easy to root for now, because the better he does for the Pirates, the bigger middle finger it is to the Yankee brass and their fans.

What else happened?

-The Astros turned 4 double-plays.

-Altuve had 2 more hits, bumping his average up to .302.

-Snyder hit his 5th homer.

-Francisco Cordero didn’t allow any baserunners (granted, he didn’t pitch).

-I bowled a 115. That’s a pretty good score for me.

To read actual, relevant discussion of the Astros game (and the historical significance of Chuckie Fick), read the GameZone thread.

Astros 9, Pirates 5

W: Harrell (8-7)
L: McDonald (10-5)

“A little bit of this town goes a very long way. After five days in Vegas, you feel like you’ve been here for five years.”

The American Dream was never in Las Vegas, Hunter. Oh, maybe glimmers of it were, ones that shone off of the tail fins in the neon gloom, but those were fleeting sparks. Savage the hunt may have been, but that American Dream you went after was more of a great idea to sell an editor on for expenses and Fun, because who was going to compare row houses in Peoria and San Bernardino to measure The Dream? Not you, you had something else in mind.

No, the American Dream isn’t in Vegas, not any more. I’m not even sure the Dream still exists anyway. I’ll tell you what does exist though. I’ll tell you why there is a Las Vegas at all.

You’re on this date with me
And the pickings have been lush
And yet before the evening is over
You might give me the brush

Luck be a lady tonight
Luck be a lady tonight
Luck if you’ve ever been a lady to begin with
Please be a lady tonight

After six weeks of gothic horror, culminating in a twelve-game losing streak, the Astros found the equivalent of 100 monkeys with typewriters producing a sonnet. Harrell started strong and worked quickly, limiting the Pirates to an Alvarez double on a mistake pitch through three. In the bottom of the frame, the Astros did what they’ve done for a month – load the bases and chip in one run.

Energized with a lead, Harrell gave up a titanic shot off the giant Budweiser sign in right to Garrett Jones and the Bucs were on top, 2-1. Schafer answered with a two-run clout of his own in the bottom of the inning, but Altuve’s double was left unresolved.

In the bottom of the fifth, the Astros plated two more to make it 5-2. Harrell began to falter in the sixth, giving up a single and two walks to load the bases with two outs. Mills went to the pen and pulled out Fernando Rodriguez, working on a third day in a row. His opponent was pinch-hitter Andrew McCutchen, and the fastballs he threw only made us hold our breath even more until the tumblers clicked into place, the dice took the bounce they weren’t supposed to, the cards finally fell our way and Superman popped out to end the threat.

The Astros added four more over the next three innings; Pittsburgh chimed in with three and this one was in the books as an Astro win, first one in thirteen games.

Luck let a gentleman see
Just how nice a dame you can be
I know the way you’ve treated
Other guys you’ve been with
Luck be a lady with me

A lady never flirts with strangers
She’ll have a heart, she’ll be nice
A lady doesn’t wander all over the room
And then blow on some other guy’s dice

Forged by luck or not, Houston had some heroes today. Marwin Gonzalez was 3 for 5 and had 3 RBIs. Scott Moore was 2 for 4 with 2 RBIs and two very fine plays at third. New 1B Pearce got a hit and scored a run and made a nice grab of an errant throw that could’ve led to a run. No less important were the eight walks the Astros worked off of a shaky James McDonald – two each for Altuve and Snyder.

Every so often it all works out. The right amount of bacon at breakfast, just enough sleep the night before, the step back on the curb, turning the head to avoid the sun and missing the bird droppings – these are all the things that make a place like Las Vegas possible. If the Astros can play like they did today, who’s to say they can’t do it more often? This could be the start of a nice little win streak. Maybe these guys are really going to change things, turn it all around. After all, the margins are so tiny in baseball and anything can happen. Right?

Las Vegas is built on this. Dreams are broken by this every day.

So why don’t we keep this party polite
Never move out of my sight
Stick with me, baby
I’m the guy that you came in with
Luck be a lady

Luck be a lady, luck be a lady tonight