Red Sox 6, Astros 1

W: Lackey (1-1)
L: Norris (3-3)

Another Sunday, another ritual killing for the Home Nine. Today they continued the streak by getting chain-whipped for the fourth time in Boston, providing much-needed relief and mirth for that beleaguered city.

Norris did what he could, going six and giving up five, three earned. Cisnero started out a little rough but ended up staying for two, striking out three. Normally, that’s plenty bad to lose a game, especially on the road, but the stench from the bats continues drawing comparisons to any previous marks for futility you’d care to come up with. The only meaningful hit came from Ronny Cedeno when he went the other way for an RBI single. Apart from that were six weak and meaningless hits spread out over nine innings, coupled with two measly walks. Held down by another in a long series of Cy Young candidates this team has faced in most games since 2011, this time by John Lackey, fresh off his 20-day stint on the DL for an arm ouchy.

This dank funk ain’t one to groove to, but it’s likely to wear a groove in us all before it’s through.

Red Sox 8, Astros 4

contributed by Mr. Happy

Step right up, come on in
If you’d like to take the grand tour
Of a lonely house that once was home sweet home
I have nothing here to sell you,
Just some things that I will tell you
Some things I know will chill you to the bone.
Over there, sits the chair
Where she’d bring the paper to me
And sit down on my knee
And whisper oh, I love you
But now she’s gone forever
And this old house will never
Be the same without the love
That we once knew.
Straight ahead, that’s the bed
Where we’d lay in love together
And Lord knows we had a good thing going here
See her picture on the table
Don’t it look like she’d be able
Just to touch me and say good morning dear.
There’s her rings, all her things
And her clothes are in the closet
Like she left them
When she tore my world apart.
As you leave you’ll see the nursery,
Oh, she left me without mercy
Taking nothing but
Our baby and my heart.
Step right up, come on in…

In a theme that’s become all too fucking common, the Astros pitching staff, irrespective of who is on the bump, ran up a high pitch count, walking eight and throwing 183 pitches in eight innings en route to being doubled up by the BoSox 8-4. This one began very well, with the Good Guys notching two runs in the top of the first against a wild Felix Doubront, but left the bases juiced in a harbinger of tonight’s ultimate fate. Brad Peacock, tonight’s starter and ineffective loser, made a cameo appearance, tossing 90 pitches in his brief 3.1 frames of work, walking five and giving up five earnies. Travis Blackley and Wesley Wright bent but didn’t break. However, Hector Ambriz did, surrendering three runs in his inning of work. Jose Veras finished it out with a scoreless frame in the bottom of the eighth inning.

The Astros RISP woes continued tonight, as they went 1-12 and are now 3-29 in the series, stranding ten fucking ducks on the pond tonight. Strikeouts also continue to plague the Astros, who struck out 12 times tonight, including another Golden Sombrero, this time courtesy of Chris Carter.

George Jones died this week. At 81. I figure that if Ole Possum Eyes made it that far, then there’s still hope for me. RIP.

Astros 3
Red Sox 7

contributed by NeilT

This has been a hard recap. It seems in bad taste right now to make fun of Boston, and I was going to write about the time I dated the Amish porn star but Ron Brand beat me to it. I’ve got no Comcast so I can’t watch the games. I decided to drop by Airline Seafood and pick up some fish to grill, but on my way from work I passed by TC’s.

As we learned in last year’s TalkZone, there’s no place to talk baseball statistics better than a gay bar in Montrose, and nobody talks baseball better than Miss Lola LaLoosh. Lola was at her usual table, back against the wall where she can watch both the runway and the TV over the bar. Apparently TC’s does have Comcast, and she was waiting for the game to start.

“Miss Lola,” says I, “we’re a month into the season. What do you think of our Astros?”

Miss Lola sighed. I always get a bit of a thrill when Miss Lola sighs. She is one fine looking woman.

“Darlin’,” her voice is breathy, a bit like Marilyn Monroe’s, only oddly husky for a woman, “what were you expecting? They’re exactly what you paid for. Isn’t that always how it works for a girl?”

“Defense is better than I expected. Porter’s done as well as he could do with what he’s got, and that’s all you can ask of a girl.” Miss Lola has that asymmetrical hair that reminds you of Veronica Lake, or Jessica Rabbit. She used her long blood red nails to brush her hair from her eyes, then she started through the lineup. “I don’t know why he’s leading off tonight with Grossman. Altuve’s hitting .348, and I love to see him strut down the line! His defense has improved, too. Altuve is the real deal,” there was a pause. “I do like those orange shoes, but they could use a bit of sparkle.”

“Castro’s improved at the plate, and I love a good looking catcher.” She was tracing little hearts in the condensation on the table from her vodka gimlet: I suddenly thought of BudGirl. “That’s a plate I could get behind . . .” She sighed again. “Laird’s only had 21 at bats, so it’s too early to tell.”

“Pena though, I love me a little Latin, but Pena makes me wonder what Luhnow is thinking. Isn’t the point of the DH to put a hitter in the lineup? We’d be better off batting the pitchers.”

“Carter has 39 strikeouts. Ankiel has 28. Pena and Maxwell have 24 each. Of course Maxwell I can forgive, because his defense has been excellent, and that boy would look fine in a dress.” Sometimes Miss Lola can be a bit odd, and she says things I don’t really understand. “I’m going to miss watching Maxwell. Of the Astros’ 232 strike outs, 28% are from Carter and Ankiel.”

“Nothing much to say about FMart. A girl does like a bit of power in the corners, and he seems to be lacking. I can take him as a platoon with Ankiel. Now Dominguez, I’ve got a little crush on Dominguez, and I’d like a little time in his hot corner.” She was tracing little hearts again. “And Marwin Gonzalez can be my shortstop anytime.”

I wanted to talk to Miss Lola about pitching, but she begged off. She said that the HRC gala was the next night, and that she had to see a man about a dress. She said she was more of a catcher herself, but we could talk about pitching some other time. She leaned over a bit closer to me when she said it, and all I could think was that as a happily married man, I wasn’t sure that was a conversation I wanted to have. Did I mention that Miss Lola is a fine-looking woman? I’ll never understand why a woman who looks like that hangs out at a gay bar.

I bought a fresh halibut steak at Airline Seafood and grilled it with a tomato salsa. I tried to follow the game on the MLB Gamecast. Astros lost. Bedard only managed three innings, gave up 5 earned runs, and raised his ERA to 8. Altuve, Dominguez, Castro and Carter all hit doubles, and Altuve got 2 RBIs. Maybe he should be batting 2d? Grossman also got an RBI.

Red Sox 7, Astros 2

contributed by Mr. Happy

Oh Lord it’s hard to be humble
When you’re perfect in every way
I can’t wait to look in the mirror
‘cos I get better looking each day
To know me is to love me
I must be a hell of a man.
O Lord it’s hard to be humble
But I’m doing the best that I can.

First, the good news from tonight’s 7-2 loss in the road series opener against the Red Sox: the bully tossed 3.1 innings of one hit baseball, as the combination of Cisnero and Blackley shut the Red Sox down after they threatened to make the game ugly. The bad news? Tonight’s losing pitcher, Philip Humber, whose record dropped to 0-5 (with a svelte 7.99 ERA) faced 26 hitters in his 4.2 innings.

Half of those hitters reached base, ten by hits, meaning that ten of the 23 official at bats against Humber resulted in hits, which translates to a BAA of .435, which is, well, not worth a shit. Over half of his baserunners scored to put the game out of reach early. In my opinion, I had seen enough of Humber in the first frame, in which he surrendered four earnies, to warrant giving him the hook. Porter obviously was trying to save his beleaguered long relief staff and left Humber out there too long.

Humber featured a BP fastball and a slider that had enough bite to it tonight to garner five strikeouts. But the bottom line is that too many of Humber’s offerings were meatballs that the BoSox hitters didn’t miss too often. Humber has nothing. His BAA for five starts, all of which were losses, is .343, which is not going to translate into many eaten innings. The purpose of signing Humber was to have him eat innings. He’s averaged less than five innings per start. What should we do with Humber? In my opinion, the ole unconditional waivers with intent to release immediately come to mind. He’s had his chances. He looks like the same pitcher I saw last season with the White Sox, which was, well, a BP tosser who no longer belongs in the Show.

These are two teams headed in opposite directions at present, as reflected in the records that are mirror images of each other (15-7 and 7-15). Indeed, tonight’s winning pitcher, Clay Buchholz, improved his record to 5-0, which is the exact opposite of Humber’s record this season.

Oh Lord, it’s hard to watch Humber
When he’s getting knocked around and can’t play
Porter’s got to be chafing
Having to run him out there ev’ry fifth day
To know him is to hate him
There must be somebody else
Oh Lord, it’s hard to watch Humber
Cause he’s doing the best that he can.

Houston beats Seattle 10 – 3

contributed by Sphinx Drummond

Another Wednesday, another day game. Someone must have forgot to tell the special businessmen that there was a businessman’s special Wedenesday at Minute Maid Park, because only 11,686 showed up at the ballpark. Which is too bad because all those who didn’t show up missed a hell of an Astros game.

Lucas Harrell pitched a fine game, managing six hits over seven innings while allowing only one run, and striking out five while walking two. He picked up the victory for his second win of the season against two losses. Rhiner Cruz was solid in relief and Paul Clemens was less than solid but was able to limit the Mariners to two meaningless runs in his ninth inning appearance to close out the game.

The Astros flashed some rather impressed leather and wood yesterday. It’s tough to choose a play of the game between Chris Carter’s moon shot over the “big corporate ad board” and Altuve’s great diving fielding and roll-over to make a good throw to first for the out play. Maybe the best highlight was Robbie Grossman’s parents witnessing first hit, a double.

Fans love it when this team wins. It’s fun and of course it’s what fans root for. If only they could win more often. The Astros may be in last place in their division and in their leagues but they do have a better record than the Cubs, so there is that.

The Astros end the homestand still on pace for 54 wins 108 losses season, one win for every two losses. I’ve always liked symmetry in numbers and with that in mind: Today the 7 – 14 Astros (and the 0 – 4 Philip Humber) head East to take on the 14 – 7 Boston Red Sox (and the 4 – 0 Clay Buchholz) for a 6:35 ET game tonight.