CHICAGO 9, HOUSTON 5

April 13, 2011
Minute Maid

HOUSTON (SnS) – I was smoking a nice big pipeful of Oaxacan this one time, in this really cool jade-green ceramic bong a friend of mine had brought home, from a trip to Morocco I think it was. Mauritania? Mali? Anyway, this was a long time ago, back when I would occasionally indulge in this sort of anti-social behavior. I was reloading the brass and porcelain bowl for the second or fifth time that evening when to my horror I noticed that one of the cannabis buds I was handling bore a striking resemblance to a then current Chicago Cubs starting pitcher. Read More

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

FTC 2
Astros 11

W: Myers (1-0) | L: Cubs.  All of them.  And their fans.

HR – Colvin (2) off Myers

Boxscore

Gamezone

I must admit that I was not looking forward to my week on SnS this week.  Not only was I going to have to watch this dysfunctional Astros team, sans manager for the night, square off against the odious Cubs, I was slated to write the next series preview.  A four-gamer.  Against the transparent Padres.  But the evening started well: I accidentally left the balance of my lunchtime salad at the restaurant, so I ordered Star Pizza instead, grabbed a brew and settled in for the game.   There was no point in being all doom and gloom; after all, this is the Cubs.  And boy did they put on a show!

Myers had a rocky start to the 1st inning, allowing two singles to put two on with one out.  Skinnyass Ramirez hit one deep but lacked the juice to get it out of the park.  Myers struck out Pena to end it and was cruising from then on.  He pitched 7 innings that were mostly drama free despite giving up 8 hits including a dinger to Colvin (who one-handed one into the RF seats).  He earned a comfortable win, and has gone at least six innings in every start so far this year…

Meanwhile, the hilarious Cubs were trying to sneak a reliever past the Astros, starting James Russell.  Aided by some comedic defensive work, notably from that fuckstick Soriano, the Astros dropped a 3-run frame on Russell despite Lee’s best efforts to kill every rally of the evening (in this case, with a swinging strikeout at a slow pitch down Broadway).  The highlight of this inning was a 2-run, 2-error, “double” by Hall, that saw Soriano boot the ball in left and Barney miss a tag on a stationary Hall (after he’d fallen over trying to reverse to 1B).  The Cubs would be charged with 3 errors on the night, but they could easily have posted double figures.

Oh, and Soriano whiffed to lead off the next inning.  Hehehehe.

The Astros struck hard and fast, scoring 3 in the 1st, 2 in the 2nd and 2 more in the 4th.  Fast was the operative word, as the speed of the Astros’ top three hitters had the Cubs in a world of panic.  Russell lasted just 1 2/3rds innings, yielding 7 hits and 5 runs (4 earned).  He was up in the zone all night, except when he was airmailing them to the backstop, and the Astros took full advantage.  His replacement, Big Bird Samardzija, fared better, but the game was long gone before he threw pitch #1, so he was just killing time.

Myers and the Astros ticked off the innings until the bottom of the 8th, when they treated the Cubs’ 5th reliever of the night (including the “starter”), John Grabow, wather wuffly.  Up to this point, a seemingly high number of the Astros’ whacks had gone into the RCF alley.  This inning, however, they treated replacement CFer Johnson to a tour of the cavernous reaches of MMPUS, with Q and Pence both sending him chasing for deep flies that he would come agonisingly close to catching…but not.  4 more runs would score, including a RBI for Lee (with a groundout, of course…he went 0-5 but did make some nice plays at 1B).

Another Rodriguez got himself into some bother in the 9th but, given the 10-run lead he had, it was really just a case of leaving him in to get it over and into the books.  2 hits, a walk and a run later, that’s where it was.

Tomorrow night, Home Wandy will try to put the rubber on Zamboner.

Notes:

Myers got a hit, scored a run and has hideous facial hair.

Fulchino pitched a solid inning, but his ridiculous barbs are still no match for Myers’.

Lee played 1B and J-Mike fielded in left.  Between them they were 1-10 with an RBI.

Of the starters, only Lee and Johnson went hitless.  CJ also posting the Astros’ error on a swirling pop-up near to the Astros’ dugout that he left for Q and Q left for reasons unexplained.

Bourn (2-5, 4 runs), Sanchez (4-5, 2 runs, 2 RBI) and Pence (3-5, 4 RBI) did most of the damage at the top of the order, although Quintero had a nice 3-3, 2-run night.  He also got the Astros’ sole walk.

Soriano went 0-4 with 2 Ks and an error.  I hate that stroker.

Marlon Byrd had a 3-3 night going before being double-switched out of the game.  His replacement went on the aforementioned outfield walkabout.  Cubs pushing all the right buttons as usual.

The recap title comes from this song of futility, that springs to mind for when the Cubs come around.

Astros 7, Marlins 1

April 10, 2011
Minute Maid Park

W: J.A. Happ (1-1)
L: A. Sanchez (0-1)

Read about it in the GZ

J.A. Happ became the next Astro starter to perform well and the first to get a win in the 2011 season with the gem he pitched against the Marlins. After giving up a double and run-scoring single in the first, Happ was able to negotiate the vagaries of Jim Joyce’s enigmatic ‘strike zone’ and hold the Fishmen to just two hits and four walks before leaving the game in the eighth with a 7-1 lead.

This one was truly a team effort. Every starter had at least one hit; Happ became the third Astro pitcher to have two and he knocked in the go-ahead runs with a ringing double off of the Jut of Eternal Peril in the fourth inning. All told, the Astros slapped 16 hits and reduced Marlin CF Chris Coghlan to diving for balls like Flipper.

It wasn’t all a hit parade though. Threatening in the fifth, the Marlins had runners on first and second with no outs and the pitcher up, trailing 3-1. Expecting a bunt, Happ threw a fastball up and away, where Q took it and lasered a throw to catch Helms easing back to the bag for an electric pickoff that took the steam off of the Fish. Sanchez bunted foul to strike out and the threat was done.

The performance on the mound by Happ was the real story of the game. From midway in the second he was able to tease the hitters with his high fastball, then come in and down with the curve or cutter, tying them up and making them try to hit his pitches. Despite his four walks, Happ never gave in and he was comfortably pitching his game all the way through.

Hilarity and hijinks ensued in the bottom of the seventh in true Joycean fashion. Puzzling strike zone notwithstanding, HP Ump Jim Joyce felt the need to show us that it really wouldn’t be a game without an umpire when Marlin reliever Edward Mujica plunked Bill Hall on the ass with his first pitch. Confident that this was two-day-old retaliation for Hall’s slide into Hanley Ramirez, Joyce immediately ran Mujica to the consternation of many. In the ninth, Aneury Rodriguez put one on Gaby Sanchez’ posterior on a 2-2 pitch, his second one inside, and was ejected as well. Fortunately, the Iron Hand of Jim Joyce was there to Preserve Order and Safety, and the game continued with no further incident, except that both teams had to burn another reliever.

Next up are those whiny losers the FTC. Follow the fun in the Game Zone.

Marlins 7, Astros 5

April 9, 2011
Minute Maid

HOUSTON (SnS) – In a game that followed what has been a disturbingly familiar pattern for the Houston Astros early this season, the Florida Marlins rebounded from a 4-1 deficit to come back and defeat the hometown Hapless-stros 7-5 here Saturday night, in front of a somewhat paltry day-after-home-opener crowd of 25,000.

Coming into this series, the Marlins had been skating along, keeping their heads above water, and giving their fans some rays of hope that they might be angling for a top spot in the NL East.  The Astros, meanwhile, had been floundering around, and more than anything in this series were trying to avoid, well, screwing the perch.

Coming into tonight’s game, the Astros were smarting from a late rally by the Florida nine that had sunk them the night before, in the home opener.

The home team jumped out to an early lead in the bottom of the first, scoring a run on a couple of doubles, by Angel Sanchez and Hunter Pence. Florida came right back in the 2nd, loading the bases with none out on some Bud Norris wildness; but Norris bore down and retired the side, keeping the damage to one run.

The Astros tallied two more in the bottom of the second (one on a double by Norris). After that, both starters (Norris for Houston and Javier Vazquez for FLA), who had sported pretty decent NBA scoring averages for ERAs coming into the game, settled down and started retiring batters in droves. The Astros got another run in the fifth when Gunther ‘FOTF’ Pence hammered a single to right to score Michael Bourn. Then, after Carlos Lee flied out, putting men on 1st and 3rd with one out, Brett Wallace grounded into a controversial inning-ending double play. The play was controversial because a.) Wallace was clearly safe at first on the replay – it wasn’t even all that close, and b.) it cost the Astros at least one run.

Norris, who had been sailing along, drawing praise from both JD and Saturday Night Jeff Bagwell on the FOX telecast, suddenly turned into the Humpty we all know he really is in the top of the 6th. He lost his control and, before you could blink, the Marlins had tied the thing up. Norris, who looked for a few innings like a good MLB pitcher, ended up as just another nobody chump, turning in an unimpressive 6 innings, 4 runs allowed performance. Not even a “quality start”, which is bullshit anyway, since when the fuck is six innings giving up three runs considered to be of fucking quality? You think Walter “Big Train” Johnson would consider that quality? Bob Feller? Lefty Grove? Fuck no! When the fuck does anything associated with a 4.50 ERA get to be called “quality”? It is just another sign of the decline and fall of Western culture – we celebrate the mediocre, and call something that is actually fucking half-ass, fucking “quality”. My fucking ass. I need to talk to Glenn Beck about this shit. Goddammit!

Anyway, you can guess the rest. Bullpen can’t stop the bleeding, the game gets pissed away. Astros lose, 7-4. All in all, just another lousy day at the Juice Box. Looks like there may be plenty of those this season.

***************

RANDOM BALL FOUR REFERENCE. Jerry McNertney. JD mentioned him in the top of the 2nd. He said McNertney was a coach on his AAA team, and used to tell a story having to do with the frustrations associated with hitting against Catfish Hunter. If I recall correctly, Jim Bouton mentioned McNertney, who was a catcher for the Pilots, in his book. Bouton said McNertney was always talking about hunting and fishing, and the rumor was he’d never been kissed.

I WANNA DO SOMETHING FREAKY TO YOU, PATTI SMITH. In the top of 2nd, my significant other obsession was chatting with Brownie and JD, talking about holding Bush Senior’s hand during “God Bless America” on Friday; and flirting with Jeff Bagwell.

RANDOM THOUGHT ENGENDERED BY AN IN-GAME INTERVIEW. I’m sorry, but “Aramark” and “great food” are mutually exclusive terms, I don’t give a fuck who the head ‘chef’ is.

RANDOM THOUGHT ENGENDERED BY IN-GAME COMMERCIALS. I’d got to the point where I thought I might slit my wrists if I saw that fucking AT&T ‘Do you mind if I ask Sheila out?’ commercial again.  Then I saw an innocuous ad for the Brown Hand Center, and realized we are apparently being spared from more “Daddy’s little girl!!” commercials this season. Thank goodness for small favors.

1980s LYRICAL VARIATIONS ON THE ASTROS UNDERWHELMING 2011 SLOGAN, ‘WE ARE YOUR ASTROS’.

Please dont say it
I won’t take it anymore
Why should I run and hide?

We are what we are
We’re just like anybody else
We are what we are
We only want to be ourselves