W: Howell (1-1)
L: Lopez (1-4)

In the middle of this interleague hokum, the Astros finally decided to play along and show the hometown faithful what it would be like to be an AL team. Pitching meant little today, whether you were a #5 starter masquerading as a #3 or a normally reliable reliever put in a situation dealt with all season long. Few were immune to the onslaught of the bats and the Rays ended up on top at the end, 14-10.

The Astros banged out 14 hits. Every starter except for Happ had at least one hit; Lee and Barmes had two, Keppinger had three including a double and a home run. Only two runners were left on base. The team was one shy of tying the Astro record by slapping ten extra-base hits.

However, the Astros were the first NL team this season to score ten runs and still lose the game. Happ gave up three in the first and hung on despite constant rattling from the Rays before leaving with a 7-5 lead after five.

The see-saw continued when Lopez gave up two in the sixth, then the Good Guys came back in the seventh on a Jeff Keppinger bomb to regain the lead at 8-7. In trouble in the eighth, Lopez gave way to the closest thing to a lock-down the Astros have had this year, closer Mark Melancon.

The Rays had 19 hits on the day. The top four hitters were 13 for 22 with 10 RBIs and 12 runs scored. They hit mistakes, they hit good pitches, they hit ’em where they were, where they weren’t, where they should’ve been and they hit the hell outta the closer. Melancon gave up six hits and five runs in 1.1 innings while blowing the second save of the game for the Astros.

A shell-shocked and grim-faced Brad Mills praised the offense after the game. It would be nice if this was the start of more production from the bats. Unfortunately, this happened on a day when even the most reliable members of the bullpen had no answer for the defending AL champions.

Day off tomorrow to get a break from another sweep, and then it’s time for more AL wonderfulness as the Rangers and then the Red Sox come to town. That’s smoke you’re smelling.

Dodgers 1, Astros 0

W: Guerrier (3-3)
L: Lopez (1-3)

Just like two twelve-year-old girls upset over some unimportant slight that still burns, the Astros and Dodgers got into a slap fight on Sunday that had all the drama and meaning of a schoolyard fracas.

You call that love in French, but it’s just Frenchette
I’ve been to France, so let’s just dance
I get all the love I need in a luncheonette
In just one glance, so let’s just dance
I can’t get the kind of love that I want
Or that I need, so let’s just dance

Two bottom-dwellers, teams with some history and a shadow of a present duked it out as best they could on Sunday. Hiroki Kuroda matched Bud Norris pitch for pitch, inning for inning although their foes were as punchless as they were dominant on the hill. Through six innings both had only allowed a hit. In the Astro half of the seventh, CJ led off with a double. Even though Mills had been ejected earlier, Al ‘Bundini’ Pedrique was at the helm and he’s seen a game or two in his time. Barmes was up and it was a dice roll for him to bunt or hit away.

You come on like it’s all natural darling
But you know, oh it’s really only naturalette
It’s just like all of your leathers darling, they don’t scare me
I know it’s really only leatherette
I take you down, gonna wash you down
I scrub you on down in any old launderette
I can’t get the kind of love that I want
So let’s just dance, and I’ll forget

Ok, Barmes hit away and flew out to shallow center. That brought up Corporan, who was once again overmatched and came up empty. Two down now, and Norris up. Down two outfielders since Pence was dinged and Bourn had been tossed, Bundini makes the move to not only ask Downs to get a hit but also to turn over the outcome to the ever-immolating bullpen. Bundini, you slick bastard.

I can’t get the kind of love that I want
Or that I need
So let’s just dance
I can’t get the kind of love that I want
Or that I need
So let’s just dance

Lopez was shaky but gimped through the seventh, then in the eighth Navarro hit one into the bleachers in right and the slapfight was just a dance, just like that.

The abyss draws near. The Rangers, Rays, Rangers and Red Sox over the next two weeks have all the capability to leave the Astros looking like Dawn Davenport when they limp to the All-Star break. This isn’t going to be pretty.

It’s always darkest before the dawn.

My dad took me to Astro games when I was a kid. The earliest one I remember was in ’65 or ’66, against the Phillies. I remember feeling like I was going to fall from whatever level we were on, all the way down to the field.

We went pretty much every year. Our yearly vacations were often an overnighter to Six Flags and somewhere in the summer we’d fit in a game in Houston. We saw the Giants a lot, Marichal, Bobby Bonds, Willie Mays. I even kicked Say Hey in the shins once as he darted through the crowd of kids so he could get to the bus as fast as he could.

One year we made a special trip, just the four of us – me, my dad, his dad, and my great-grandfather. I was maybe 10 and don’t remember the game, but I remember that as a really cool event. The four generations got together every Christmas, but this was the only time we ever went anywhere together and it stays with me still.

They’re all gone now. I can’t hope to live up to their legacies as men and fathers, but I try to be as good as I can. Thanks to all the fathers on this day. You mean more than any of us can ever imagine, as teachers, enforcers, supporters and leaders. If you’ve got kids, know your time is shorter than you might expect. Do what you can to make that time as good as it can be.

Astros Scorched, 4-1

W: Hanson (8-4)
L: Myers (2-6)

Myers was pretty good Sunday afternoon. He pitched well, only gave up five hits in seven innings and struck out six. His real mistake, other than the two pitches he threw that resulted in all the runs those cocksuckers from Atlanta would need, was showing up with a knife at a gunfight. A floppy rubber knife, in the form of Astro bats.

Tommy Hanson waded through the Astro lineup – missing Keppinger, Pence, Towles and Boojwah – like General Sherman, torching everything in sight for the shock and perverse sport of it. In the end, Hanson had struck out 14 in seven innings; three more Astros fanned after that to make it 17 for the game. Only five hits were allowed and Houston was never in this one, despite the low score.

A combined feeble-for-eleventy-nine with runners in scoring position since the middle of last week has taken the shine off of that four game win streak like flame burns away the sweet smell of redemption. This team is in its Death March and has many, many miles to go before it ends. Summer is upon us, and with it the heat will render casual hope and observance until it resembles some kind of psychotic fascination, leaving those of us who dare to be strong enough for the ride reduced to sweaty, gibbering imbeciles by September.

In the wake of this devastation comes the unexpected flower that can hopefully provide a tiny respite; Lyles is staying in the rotation, AnRod goes to the bullpen and Fulchino goes to Tornado Alley. Never the rose without the thorn however, because Boojwah will have an MRI Monday to determine why his right ankle won’t heal.

“It’s been killing me to wake up and walk in the morning,” Bourgeois said. “It’s been tough for me. Today, I woke up and I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t get warmed up as much as I tried.”

The wraparound series ends Monday night. You know you’ll be passing by, just like you know that you won’t be able to avoid looking at the steaming hulk on the side of the road, wondering if there was anyone in there you knew, or if there could possibly be survivors of such a horrible wreck.

Trade your gallows humor in the GameZone, if you dare.

Padres 7, Astros 2

W:Latos (4-6)
L:Lyles (0-1)

Maybe not having this one on TV was a good thing. Plagued by shaky command early on, Jordan Lyles’ second start started off rough as he gave up three runs in the first inning and only lasted four. The 31 pitches in the first inning were more than he could overcome. Despite tightening it up as the game wore on, Lyles threw 96 pitches in only four innings and the game never was in doubt, similar to Saturday’s tilt.

FotF now has a 17-game hitting streak. Wallace was the only Astro with more than one hit, a single and a double. Bourn stole two bases, giving him 25 so far. Boojwah returned to play a little LF and he stole another, his 13th.

Lyles will get what could be his last start of this stint with the big club on Saturday against the Godless Red Devils from Georgia. With any luck the cavalry will be there to help run those fuckers back to humid nights on the reservation with plenty of firewater and itchy blankets to keep them company.

Off day Monday before those whiny shits from Jakeville pull into town.

Astros 3, Jays 2

W: Rodriguez (3-3)
L: Drabek (3-3)
SV: Melancon (3)
HR: Pence!!! (6)

I didn’t get to see this one since the Rangers took over my cable system today. Hopefully that is only temporary.

Evidently the Good Guys showed up and played a fine one, taking a series from the Jays in Tranna by winning today, 3-2. Wandy went six, only allowing two solo homers. Wilton Lopez got a clutch double play in the seventh before walking Juan Rivera in the eighth with one out and throwing three high pitches to the next batter. Skipper Mills yanked the short chain and went to Melancon with a 2-1 count. The new closer struck out Arencibia and Davis to get to the ninth whereupon it got hairy indeed.

With two outs an infield single and a ringing double to right brought Bautista to the plate. Thankfully, challenge wasn’t on the menu and the HR leader was walked to load the bases full of evil portent.

Fuck that shit though, as mighty Melancon induced a groundout to end the game and preserve the win for Road Wandy.

Trade Bait Hunter Pence was an offensive star, tomahawking a two-run homer in the fifth to put the Good Guys ahead to stay.

Some abbreviated but still good stuff in the GZ. Now on to the City of Angels for some good corned beef hash at Canter’s and banana cream pie at the Apple Pan in between resurrecting what used to be a Blood Feud.