Diamondbacks 12, Astros 3

by Mr. Happy

Well, today was an interesting day for Astros fans everywhere, as the club bid farewell to Brett Myers, shipping him to the ChiSox for a couple of prospects suspects, welcoming 37 year old Francisco Cordero as the new closer, welcoming Dallas Keuchel as the newest member of the rotation (filling the spot formerly occupied by J.A. Happ) and looking forward to playing the Snakes at the ballpark formerly somewhat affectionately known as the BOB.

Maybe Cordero would see some close action and get to notch his first save as an Astro tonight? He did pitch a scoreless frame last night. Maybe Ben Francisco (what was it about this deal with the name Francisco?—is this a mere coincidence or some sort of Luhnow fetish?) would shine in his first Astros start? After all, he did get a sharp pinch hit single last night.

Hopes and dreams were high, the possibilities were endless and the world was our oyster, even though we’d been on the short end of a 13-8 score. And just as quickly, in the very first inning tonight, our hopes and dreams were smashed flatter than a pancake when, with one on (a walk, the first of four for Keuchel, all of which scored), Jason Kubel went oppo with a two run dong, the first of three that he’d smash tonight, two off of Keuchel and one off of EDR. The ballgame was over right there. We just knew it in our gut. But the Snakes weren’t done in the first inning. Not by a long shot. In fact, they were really just warming up, adding ten more runs to best our boys, who, God bless them, fought valiantly to the bitter end, even scoring a run in the top of the ninth inning, 12-3.

A few words to those of you who were excited beyond measure by the possibilities of Dallas Keuchel after his first two outings. Curb your enthusiasm. Seriously, especially if he repeats this sorry ass performance (3.1 innings, seven hits, four walks, six earned runs and two long balls) more, as I fear that he will. In the Game Zone, Ron Brand and I were talking about how Keuchel’s approach reminded me of the way that Gaylord Perry used to pitch.

Wait a minute, Mr. Happy! Isn’t Gaylord Perry in the Hall of Fame? Well sir, the Gaylord Perry I was talking about was the by then washed up Gaylord Perry pitching, just not very well (3-10 4.94 with 18 home runs allowed in 102 innings, for more on Gaylord Perry, check out his page at the Baseball Hall of Fame website http://baseballhall.org/hof/perry-gaylord) for the Seattle Mariners close to the end of his storied career. Everything, and I mean everything, was down and away. And that was Keuchel tonight. A left-handed version of a washed up Gaylord Perry sans Vaseline.

That was Dallas Keuchel tonight. Did he challenge hitters? Did he try to work the inner part of the black? The answer to both questions is a big NO! And when he did attempt to challenge, it was usually from far behind in the count, another huge problem for him tonight, the hitters blasted him. I hate to disappoint you folks who saw Keuchel as the next best thing since the Fowl Poles or Tal’s Hill, but I’ve thus far seen nothing from him that would lead me to suspect that he is anything but a glorified AAA pitcher. A softer tossing version of J.A. Happ, who everyone knows, I loved and will miss terribly.

On a positive note, three of our hitters, Jose Altuve, Justin Maxwell and Chris Johnson, went 2-4, and that hitting phenom from last night-the one and only Carlos Corporan-had a pinch single and an RBI. Of the five pitchers who saw action, Wilton Lopez threw the only scoreless frame, as the Snakes scored at least one run in six of eight innings, batting around (again) in the fourth inning, which chased Keuchel, scoring five runs. The second best performer was EDR, who only surrendered a solo bomb to Kubel in his lone inning of work. Every other pitcher (even including EDR) walked a ton of hitters, eight in all, at least four of which scored. Walks were a problem last night too.

I used to tell young pitchers, “Fuck walking the bum. If you’re going to go down, go down like a man and challenge the hitter. Get in his kitchen. Catch him leaning over the plate with a little chin music or a snappy hammer over his shoulder. Establish ownership, no, dominion, over the inside corner. Losing by walks is reminiscent of little league games. Death by a thousand walks is a slow painful way to go.” Our staff could use that little pep talk right now. Big time.

Speaking of the club, which has gotten worse by the losses of miscreant Brett Myers and Brandon Lyon, I’ve now altered my wins projection to between 50 and 55 (which HudsonHawk thinks is still too optimistic), down from 65 at the beginning of the year in the annual Race for the Lid. I counted on Brian Bogusevic hitting between .250 and .270 with 12-15 home runs-not the groundball to the right side .215 hitting machine that he’s become.

If I was Luhnow, I’d go ahead and DFA Bogusevic right now, declaring surrender on the former 2005 No. 1 pick. And Schreefer too while he’s at it. In Schreefer, besides a pissing and moaning at strike calls, fake bunting machine/juvenile delinquent, I see a decent CF (but no Michael Bourn, by any measure) who can’t steal first base and doesn’t really get on base enough to even hit eighth, even in this lineup.

Fasten your seatbelts, folks, it’s about to get even worse than it is right now, especially if Luhnow successfully moves Wandy for more prospects.

by NeilT

I’m really sorry that Arizona’s getting pushed into the American League next year–I know its fans are disappointed and would prefer to stay in the NL. With their titanic playoff runs against San Diego and the Rockies, it won’t feel the same when they’re playing Anaheim and Oakland. They’ve been in the NL their entire existence, but hey, like they say in accounting, last in first out. I’m not sure I could stay interested in a team with a designated hitter. It’s just not as interesting to me as Astros small ball.

We’re in San Antonio for a conference. I spoke yesterday, then skipped the rest of the conference until our reception last night at La Fogata. Cool place. I came back to the hotel where I thought I’d be just in time for the game but . . . no game, either they played in the afternoon or there’s not Astros channel in the Grand Hyatt. We went to a downtown bar, Bohannon’s, that had a good jazz band and several women sporting the showgirl equivalents of steroid enhancement but the bar wasn’t showing the game either. Good jazz though.

It actually looks like it was a great game for the Stros. Corporan and Moore homered in the 8th and 9th, with Moore driving in 3 runs, both with 2 outs. 14 hits total, with 8 runs. Really nice night at the plate.

Of course they lost.

Padres 1, Astros 0

by Mr. Happy

The ballgame started with an Alexi Amarista (mark it in your book – this kid will be better than Jose Altuve and will be an All-Star too – Sorry OSF) oppo double, followed by a Logan Forsythe single to RF, scoring Amarista. The Fathers would garner but two more knocks in the nine innings that followed. But Edinson Volquez, 5-0 2.37 against the Astros coming into tonight’s game, made that run stand up with a sparkling one hitter, besting our boys 1-0.

Not even the presence of BudGirl in the stands last night could shake up the moribund sticks, which are now hitting below .150 on this road trip, with the Travellin’ Horseshit Show heading to Phoenix to battle the Snakes. The most exciting play of last night’s game was a smoked liner by Justin Maxwell toward the gap in right centerfield with JD Martinez, who had walked to lead off the inning, on 2B and Matt Downs, who had reached on a Chase Headley clank, on 1B. Unfortunately, Logan Forsythe leapt up and snagged it, easily doubling Martinez, who had strayed a wee tad bit too far off of 2B, and damn near tripled Downsie. That was your ball game.

The lone hit? A hot smash? A Texas Leaguer? Nope. It was a harmless infield dribbler by Matt Downs in no man’s land between the bump and 3B in the fourth inning. That was it.

Sadly, Lucas Harrell took the collar for last night’s loss, but he pitched damn well and in fact was dominant again against the Padres, scattering four hits and striking out seven. Mark my words: Lucas Harrell can really pitch.

by Sphinx Drummond

Pads beat ‘Stros 8-4

W: Clayton Richard (7-10)
L: Wandy Rodriguez (7-8)

I didn’t realize they were playing a day game until I heard the final score on the radio. In Austin, during the daytime, the Astros’ radio station is contractually bound to broadcast the Jim Rome show over the Astros.

When I got home from work I walked my dog, which is my usual routine. My dog crapped a big heaping steaming pile and before I could scoop and bag it–it had become almost completely covered by those green iridescent colored shit-flies. Forgetting about food chains for a moment, I hesitated and contemplated. I watched those flies and couldn’t figure out for the life of me, why those flies loved that piece of crap so much.

Is that what we, who follow the Astros so closely, look like to some cosmic overlord up on high?

Wandy started the day all right, retiring the Padres in order the first time through the line-up. At the time in possession of the longest running streak of pitching at least 5 innings, Wandy was unable to showcase his positive features beyond the fourth inning, stopping the streak at 48 games. In spite of some shitty defense, he was lit up for 5 earned runs in the fourth, essentially ending the game. However, the teams still played to completion as it is part of the rules.

Playing beyond the fourth gave a few of the Astros’ players the opportunity to pad their individual stats. Matt Downs took full advantage of the opportunity to hit his 6th and 7th homeruns of the season and edged his batting average up, now at .171, a bit closer to the Mendoza line.

Clayton Richard allowed four runs in 8 1-3 innings to snap a personal two-game losing streak. The big lefty gave up nine hits and struck out, leaving the mound after Downs’ homer in the ninth.

They talk about winning ugly and beautiful losers. What a cop-out. You either win or lose, doesn’t matter how you got there. And losing is the shits.

Giants 3, Astros 2

W: Cain (10-3) L: Norris (5-7)

The Giants didn’t need the additional weakening of the Astro lineup in order to sweep the series on Sunday, but it didn’t hurt. Lowrie and Castro both got shipped to the DL for a bit but our brave lads were still able to make a game of it, losing by only one run.

Brave and game though they were, this is still at best a decent AAA team groping to find its way. That way was not to be found today, as Matt Cain and friends held the punchless Good Guys to five hits and a walk.

The Astros actually had a couple of chances in this one, most notably in the seventh when they had runners on the corners with one out. Of course, two quick first-pitch outs made by pinch-hitters Bixler and Maxwell helped send the team to its 13th consecutive road loss.

The team appears to be in that familiar death swoon just like last year. A different twist to 2012 is the drumbeat in the local about Mills being replaced at the end of the season. It’s hard to not start to think that if the team doesn’t get a shot of cheap wins, then Mills may not survive early August, much less 2012.

“Sealed with a curse as sharp as a knife. Doomed is your soul and damned is your life.”

Join the team as they beg for redemption in San Diego and we follow each knee-slapping stroke of self-flagellation in the GZ.

by Austro and Mr. Happy

Lucas Harrell faced off against Tim Lincecum Saturday evening in a battle of underrated starter vs. inexplicably ineffective starter.

Lincecum had to be thanking his lucky stars that he drew the Astros coming out of the break. The Astros did their part by going 1-2-3 in the first inning without seeing very many pitches. However, Harrell came out and matched Lincecum with some nice pitching to get the first three Giants, showing some really good movement on his pitches.

In the top of the second JD and CJ sandwiched a pair of singles around a foul pop-up, but Maxwell and Snyder struck out to end the threat. In the bottom, Posey led off with one of the more remarkable singles I’ve seen: Harrell got the ball in on his hands, or what would have been in on the hands of a normal person, but Posey was able to pull his hands in and through while letting the barrel of the bat trail, so that the ball actually hit the meaty part of the bat. It banana’ed out to center field, slicing from left to right. That was followed by a walk to Sandoval, but Harrell bore down and got a line drive to left and two groundouts to end the inning without any damage.

In the top of the third, Harrell and Schafer struck out (imagine that) before Altuve blooped a single into center. He then got his sprint workout in as Lowrie kept fouling off pitches with Altuve on the move. Lowrie finally put one in play, and for a moment it looked like it might make the LCF gap, but Cabrera got a good jump and made a nice running catch to end that half of the inning. Lincecum led off the bottom of the inning by striking out, Harrell once again showing good movement on his pitches. I really don’t understand why the White Sox released this guy, because he can pitch. Blanco singled into left, followed by Theriot flying out to Schafer in RCF.

Then came the most significant play of the game, and maybe the season. Cabrera grounded sharply up the middle, and Altuve showed good range to get to the ball. He flung it sidearm back to second base as continued out toward LF, and Lowrie had to act like a first baseman to take the throw, stretching with his right foot on the back of the bag. Blanco slid in hard and spiked Lowrie on the ankle, causing it to pronate, which in turn twisted Lowrie’s knee in an odd way. Lowrie immediately scrambled out of there and collapsed and had to be removed from the game, assisted from the field by the training staff because he couldn’t put any weight on the leg. The first reports from the clubhouse were of a sprained ankle, but there’s speculation (including a Levine tweet) that there’s a more significant knee injury that they’re not talking about yet. Bixler replaced Lowrie, and Harrell jammed Posey to get a 5-3 groundout that kept the game scoreless.

The Astros went down meekly in the top of the fourth, JD on a foul pop-up to Posey, Moore striking out, and CJ nubbing a ball down the first base line for a 1U put-out. Sandoval led off the bottom of the inning by flying out to RF on a busted bat. Pagan followed with a strikeout. Sanchez singled up the middle, just beyond Altuve’s reach, and then Crawford hit a chopper up the middle that Harrell made a nice play on for the final out 1-3.

Over to my tag-team recap buddy, Mr. Happy, for the second half of the game…

Tim Lincecum pitched like the Good Tim Lincecum tonight, striking out 11 in eight frames. However, with a 2-0 lead in the top of the ninth, a very wobbly Santiago Casilla gave up a two out double to Justin Maxwell, scoring Scott Moore, who had walked. Snyder came up and struck out on a 1-2 hammer in the dirt, but it kicked away from tonight’s Giants hero Hector Sanchez, who threw wide to first base, allowing Snyder to reach. Meanwhile, Maxwell had the windmill going and scored from second base on the strikeout to knot the score at 2.

When the Giants could do nothing in the bottom of the ninth inning, I knew right then and there that our gooses were cooked because, well, free baseball and Astros mix like oil and water. It was just a matter of what inning we’d lose and which pitcher would be on the bump when it happened. We played two innings of scoreless baseball in the tenth and eleventh innings, in which the one and only FeRod didn’t lose and also tossed a scoreless frame, so it was on the twelfth inning. The Astros could do very little in the twelfth, wasting a two out knock from former Giant Matt Downs. This takes us to Brett Myers, who was on to pitch the bottom of the twelfth.

In the twelfth, Kung Fu Panda led off with an infield single to Brian Bixler. Pagan followed that with a single to center field, moving the Panda to second base. Hector Sanchez then hit a deuce on the button to Altuve, who deflected it into right field, scoring the Panda when Downsie’s desperation throw was well over Snyder’s head, preserving the Astros’ perfect 0-9 record in extras.

Bad news for Astros organization shortstops as both Jed Lowrie and Jonathan Villar went down, Lowrie with an ankle/knee (more details sure to follow) and Villar the brilliant with a self-inflicted broken hand from hitting a door. One thing seems clear: The club needs Marwin Gonzalez in a big bad sort of way, as Brian Bixler, God bless him, leaves a lot to be desired at shortstop.

It doesn’t get any easier tomorrow, as we face Matt Cain. Bud Norris takes the mound for the Astros. I smell a broom.