Astros 4 Pirates 1

by Mr. (Very) Happy

Okay, I’ll start with a correction: My recap of Thursday’s game contained some wrong information about Bud Norris, as I picked up the wrong splits, which made him worse than he actually has been on the road. His road record is 2-12 7.41. No one caught that mistake, which makes me wonder whether anyone reads this crap. But I digress.

Everyone knows how Mr. Happy feels about soft-tossing lefties: they have to be almost perfect in their command, or it gets ugly in a hurry. Tonight, young Dallas Keuchel was very good, tossing seven innings of one run baseball, striking out five while walking only one. Those are huge stats for him on both scores, as Keuchel has this annoying tendency to nibble, which usually puts him behind in the count.

The ballgame was knotted at 1 in the bottom of the seventh frame, but Jason Castro picked an exceptionally good time to launch his third home run of the season, a three run shot, to give the Astros a lead that they wouldn’t relinquish. Hector Ambriz and Wilton Lopez finished out the win, earning a hold and save, respectively.

I don’t know if anyone is really paying attention to this, but the Astros are 10-10 in September, and many of those games have been against either playoff bound teams or clubs that were in the mix for a wildcard berth. In other words, the September wins haven’t been cheap wins. Since taking over for Millsie, who was 39-82, Tony D is 11-20, which is a little better than Millsie did.

Is it enough for him to secure the job full-time next season? I still don’t think so, which will suit me just fine. However, I don’t think that the manager is going to make a significant difference next season with the ballclub. If Tony D somehow cajoles this rag-tag bunch to play .500 baseball for the entire month, the managerial selection could get interesting. I’m not betting on Tony D going .500 during September, because you can’t make chicken out of chicken shit. Read that, you denizens!!!

Houston 7
Pirates 1

by NeilT

It’s almost done, this season, and I’ve been trying to make sense of it all. One thing I’ve learned in the TZ this season, is that if you want to talk baseball, the place to head is Montrose. So tonight instead of going to the game, before the Fiona Apple show, I headed to TC’s to talk to Miss Lola Laloosh.

I parked where no one could back into me. And by the way, Fiona Apple is one angry woman.

“Lola,” says I, “who from this team is left in three years?”

Lola is a handsome woman. Kind of big, but we sit at a table where she can see the game playing over the bar. I tell her I’ll never understand why such a beautiful woman hangs out at a gay bar.

“Darlin’, you are such a hoot, let me tell you I think that is an excellent question. Just look at the numbers. Altuve is alright, he’s got a .735 OPS with 32 steals, and his defense will improve. He’d never have a chance on another team, but he’ll still be here in three years.

“And I think Dominguez might be the real deal, though momma told me don’t fall in love in the spring or the fall. I do like that Dominguez, though, and I’m just a little bit in love.”

“And Harrell. 10 wins on this team? That boy is Walter Johnson.”

“And?” I asked.

“And what? You want Wallace to hit for average and power? Ain’t going to happen. I could teach that boy about swinging a big stick, but there ain’t no hickory involved.” Miss Lola winked. I had never known she was a batting coach. “Schafer is done. Maybe Maxwell, and he’s a boy who’d look fine in a dress . . .” I was a bit confused by that, but Miss Lola was on a roll. “There’s no more Boguesevic, and Castro, I think Castro has one season to see.”

“Miss Lola,” says I, “is there no star on this team?”

“Maybe Harrell,” says she, “maybe Harrell, and Altuve if he keeps playin’ the way he’s playin’ might pass for a star. For awhile.”

They were having drag races later in the evening, and I wanted to get out of TC’s before the big engines started revving. I can’t stand all that noise. I bid Miss Lola adieu and went off to Fiona Apple.

Meanwhile our 2012 Houston Astros did it up dandy. Lowrie had a 3-run dinger in the first, and there was not much in the game after. Maxwell and Wallace both hit HRs, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Wallace also had a triple, which would have been something to see. At some point in the game, Altuve stole 3rd.

Edgar Gonzalez started. Edgar Gonzalez? Who the hell is Edgar Gonzalez? He’s started 4 games? I have no idea who he is and I mostly pay attention. Tonight he only lasted 1.2 innings, and 6 pitchers followed. Injury? I reckon. Only two walks for the game, and 7 hits for the one run. Nice job by the bullpen.

By the way, Kris is just lucky that I’m such a faithful husband. Did I mention that Miss Lola is one fine looking woman?

St. Louis 5, Houston 4

by Mr. Happy

In its final game in St. Louis as a National League team, this one a matinee that I missed altogether, the Astros lost again. The Astros’ record is 48-102 with 12 games to play, leaving open a reasonably good chance of losing 110 games. However, in one run ball games, the Astros are a quasi-respectable 16-26. Bud Norris lost again on the road, dropping his road record to an absolutely putrid 0-13 8.73, having allowed 18 long balls in only 66 innings of road work. Compared to his 3-1 1.90 home record, something just doesn’t make any sense.

Norris, winless since May, continued to have difficulty later in the ball game, and he failed to get out of the sixth inning. For the season, Norris has an ERA in the sixth inning and later (he hasn’t made it to the eighth inning in any of his 27 starts) of 6.83, compared to his season 5.05 ERA, lending credence to the argument from some that Norris belongs in the bullpen.

The bright spot today was the bullpen, which didn’t allow any runs in 2.2 innings of work, giving the bats a chance to win the ball game. However, the Cardinals’ bullpen struck out the last five Astros in succession to close it out and make a winner of Jaime Garcia, with Jason Motte securing his 38th save. The top of the Astros batting order, positions 1-4, collectively went 8-17, but the rest of the order didn’t do squat, going 2-18.

In Mr. Happy news, I made a speech in Denver on Thursday morning and flew back to Missoula that afternoon to go to the University of Montana President’s Dinner. I have to do these things today, but I don’t mind since the alternative sucks.

Astros 0, Cardinals 5

by Sphinx Drummond

Louis IX was king of France from 1226 until his death in 1270. He was only 12 years old when he assumed the throne. He was a fighting king and led a couple of crusades. It was during his second crusade that he died in Tunis–Muslim territory. As was the custom in such locales, his body was boiled until his flesh separated from his bones. A couple of his organs were buried on the spot in Tunis, as was the Christian tradition.

His heart was sealed in an urn and sent to Italy where his brother ruled, and his bones were shipped back to his homeland. His corpse bones, after a brief visit to Bologna, were taken to the French royal necropolis at Saint-Denis. He was canonized. In the 14 century, to store his bones, they built a magnificent monument/tomb all shiny and brassy which was melted down in the 15th century when they needed the resources to fight the Huguenots.

Along the way most of his remains turned up missing, in fact only one finger remains and is kept at Saint-Denis. I believe to be his middle finger of his right hand.

The Astros lost again on a Wednesday night, their best pitcher took the loss, they were shut out, they’re not very good, they’re moving to the AL. Anyway, I see an opportunity, I’m a gonna borrow crusty old Saint Louis’ bony finger just long enough to hold it up and say, Fuck You Bud.

Cardinals 4, Astros 1

Contributed by Reuben

100 is usually a good thing in sports; often a great thing. If you make a 100-yard carry in football, you’ve scored an amazing touchdown. If you’re score 100 points in basketball, you’re Wilt Chamberlain, you’re a fucking badass. In baseball, 100 is a great RBI man, a great leadoff man, a great fastball, a Rickey Henderson/Vince Coleman kind of speedster. Or a great season.

Until last year, the Astros had achieved all of the baseball-related feats above, save for the Rickey type, but never the negative one, their nadir having been 97 losses (in 1965, ’75, and ’91). But they blew past that, and are doing so again this year, reaching 100 again Tuesday night. We can take some small comfort, perhaps, knowing that only one team has been around longer than the Astros and never lost 100, the LA/CA/ANA Angels (file that as reason #2 in the Angels’ column of the Things To Hate About Our Future Division Rivals list). And HOU at least valiantly took 3 of 4 from the Phillies, delaying their shame until after the homestand. We’re still about a week or so away from seeing the 106-loss record broken.

In the meantime, we can focus on hoping that the Astros don’t three-peat next year, although it is probably as inevitable as a 14-3 pitcher on a playoff contender beating Fernando Abad and your 2012 Astros on a chilly Tuesday night in September.

Astros 7, Phillies 6

WP: Wright
LP: Bastardo

Down the street the dogs are barkin’
And the day is a-gettin’ dark
As the night comes in a-fallin’
The dogs’ll lose their bark
An’ the silent night will shatter
From the sounds inside my mind
For I’m one too many mornings
And a thousand miles behind

So now we’re done with Philadelphia. They aren’t going to miss us, not going to be upset because the Astros will be gone from the NL because Houston is 35-23 against them since 2004, 18-15 in the last five seasons of free fall.

It’s a little like a divorce with children. Even though she’s sent Wade packing, the Astros still carry the fruits of their union forward; in this case most notably in the form of Jonathan Singleton, one of the great hopes for the future.

Lyles started this one by giving up a double to Rollins, who scored after two sacrifices. Halladay didn’t have his best stuff by far, but then again he was facing the Astros, tonic for weakness all season long. He held them down until Moore took an outside fastball to the opposite field for a 2-1 lead.

Lyles pitched well through most of the fifth, striking out Martinez and Halladay to lead off that frame but then Rollins singled, stole second and went to third on a bad throw. Pierre doubled him in to tie, followed by an intentional walk to Utley so Lyles could face the lumbering and still somewhat off-balance Ryan Howard. Howard smacked an offering to the wall in left for a double though, scoring both runners before being thrown out trying to stretch it into a triple.

That 4-2 lead held up for another inning until Corporan crushed a splitter that didn’t break sharply off the facing in right. Halladay was clearly gassed by this point but he regrouped to get Greene looking.

Tony D pressed the only advantage he had by opening the floodgates, swamping the Phils with waves of substitutions, wearing them down in a battle of attrition and hoping for luck to roll his way.

From the crossroads of my doorstep
My eyes they start to fade
As I turn my head back to the room
Where my love and I have laid
An’ I gaze back to the street
The sidewalk and the sign
And I’m one too many mornings
An’ a thousand miles behind

It happened in the bottom of the seventh, when Manuel was manuvered into replacing Bastardo with Aumont, who has been nothing short of completely unreliable. Without retiring a batter, he gave up a bases-loading walk, then cleared them by serving up a double to Maxwell and a single to Dominguez, turning the score to 7-4 in favor of the Good Guys.

The waves continued, as Cedeno struck out Howard and then was replaced by Mickey Storey, whose 69-80 mph arsenal and shaky command plunked Ruiz and gave up a single to Mayberry and a double to Brown. Lopez was called upon and he nailed down the five-out save. The Phillies have all but shit the bed in this wheezing gasp of a bid for postseason glory, and they can take no solace in the knowledge that they beat themselves while facing the weakest team on their schedule.

It’s a restless hungry feeling
That don’t mean no one no good
When ev’rything I’m a-sayin’
You can say it just as good.
You’re right from your side
I’m right from mine
We’re both just one too many mornings
An’ a thousand miles behind

Philadelphia takes its spot in the rear view mirror now, and the Astros go on the road to St. Louis and their last visit to Missouri as Senior Loop denizens. Pull back the curtain in the Game Zone and follow along.