When all you can say is, “At least they aren’t The Mighty Ducks,” well, that’s too damn close to being grateful for Mississippi. What a stupid, stupid name. The amount of stupid that people will put up with is staggering.

Houston sets up shop in Anaheim for a long weekend series with Big Money. They’ll face a couple of really good pitchers and some really good hitters and a whole lot of empty money bags blowing around the diamond. It’s been a long time since you could look at pitching matchups involving the Astros and not feel only shame and embarrassment.

Thursday, July 3, 9:05 PM CST, Angel Stadium of Anaheim (it’s LA, man – get a sponsor)

Brett Oberholtzer, LHP 2-6, 4.40
Nice start for Obie last time out against the Tigers, but it’s been a yo-yo ride and gravity generally wins those.

Matt Shoemaker, RHP 5-2, 4.50
First start against Houston for the New Toy, who got dinged up good in his last start against Kansas City.

Friday, July 4, 8:05 PM CST

PROMO: 4th of July Fireworks

Dallas Keuchel, LHP 8-5, 2.78
Our ace.

C.J. Wilson, LHP 8-6, 3.90
Was their ace. 5.97 ERA in six starts last month and has given up 10 runs in his last two starts over 8 2/3 innings.

Saturday, July 5, 9:05 PM CST

PROMO: Patriotic Hat and Post-Game Fireworks

Scott Feldman, RHP 4-5, 3.92

Hector Santiago, LHP 0-7, 4.08

Sunday, July 6, 2:35 PM CST

PROMO: Family Sunday and Kids Run the Bases

Collin McHugh, RHP 4-7, 3.22

Garrett Richards, RHP 9-2, 2.81
Over his last six starts, Richards has a 1.49 ERA.

***

It’s been almost a year and a half since the break. You can look at it either way, I guess – a break from something and a break into something, that bit about a door closing while another one opens. The inability to watch the Astros on TV was dealt with in the usual way, finding pirate broadcasts to watch while cobbling together viewings of their games against the Rangers. That worked for a little while, but eventually the sites got shut down and the growing chasm of difficulty in watching games made traversing it less worthwhile. The lack of radio presence chipped in too. Soon I, like many others, had time on my hands that used to be filled watching the Astros.

You can see it on this site. The people who are engaged, who talk about the games are the ones who can see them. Either they live in areas outside the blackout or they live in Houston and actually go to the games. For the rest of us, within the blackout zone but not close enough to go to games frequently, well – we’re dying on the vine.

I’m sure I’ve seen less than twenty games in the last two seasons, and maybe two this year. In the past, I’d watch easily more than a hundred a season. It may well be that Jim Crane believes that the returning success of the team will fill the void with new fans and he’s expecting to lose a massive percentage of the previous fan base in the interim, perhaps forever. The new fans will grow to love what he brings to the experience and the rest of us will have learned the harsh truth that we can actually fill that space in our lives with something else. Some will stay with baseball but move to different teams. Some will find other things to do.

To the Astros, I’m rapidly becoming a ghost, after more than 45 years of being a fan. I’m fading away, moving on to a different journey. The view from the transition is as new and bewildering as it was when I sat in the Astrodome in 1965 to see my first game.

Without going into too much detail, I was lucky enough to make a connection with a band I’d loved since the mid-80s, as they were planning a temporary reunion. I went from fanboy to being on the inside, accompanying them on the short tour they did in 2013 and from there to working with three members in their solo careers after they put the reunion on hiatus. Rock and roll has replaced the Astros.

I’ve met so many people, made so many new friends, famous and struggling alike. I’m working on projects that will be dreams coming true, dreams of what I wanted to do with my life from as far back as early high school. Dreams I’d strangled and buried long ago have somehow taken form, a passerby on a street who stopped to talk, with nothing but shiny promise and boundless joy to share.

My active involvement with the Astros gets weaker every day. I don’t know where this is going or where it will end up. For now, I feel like David Bowman peering beyond the infinite, watching the kaleidoscope in wonder.

***

I’ve…seen things you people wouldn’t believe… Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those…moments…will be lost in time, like tears…in…rain.

Time…to die.

Enjoy every sandwich.

Sea Shits v. Astros June 30-July 2, 2014

contributed by Mr. Happy

Do you smell what I smell (all the way from Toledo)? Yep, that is the unmistakable smell of the hated, detestable, smelly cock-sucking Sea Turds, who have invaded the Juice Box for a three game set against the Good Guys, who presently sit at 36-47, currently 16 games off the pace in the AL West but fresh off of a series upset of the first place Detroit Tigers.

It’s a damn shame that we came a Bo Porter brain fart away from sweeping the Tigers. Forgive me, but there’s no explicable way you can manage a nine inning game with a lead so that the pinball machine Jerome Williams is your only ninth inning option. You just can’t do that, yet it happened last saturday. Williams is now 0-3 in save opportunities this season, and how he got three chances to close out a game is beyond me. That’s three more than he should have gotten. That’s just piss poor bully management. But I digress…the Sea Fucks are today’s news.

We luckily avoid King Felix, who tortured the Tribe on Sunday, tossing eight frames of one hit shutout baseball. However, we’re facing three pretty good right-handed pitchers in young Taijuan Walker (who will be making his season debut after having been on the shelf until now), 33 year old Hisashi Iwakuma (5-4 3.48) and 35 year old crafty veteran Chris Young (7-4 3.15). The Astros will counter with a trio of righties too, including 27 year old Collin McHugh (4-6 2.76), 24 year old Jarred Cosart (8-5 3.60) and 26 year old Brad Peacock (2-4 4.21).

Feces de la Mar v. Astros June 30, 2014-Taijuan Walker v. Collin McHugh

Believe it or not, some of the current Astros have seen Walker. However, the current Astros are hitting .174 (4-23) against him with six Ks. As expected, All-Star Jose Altuve leads the charge at 2-5, and L.J. Hoes is 1-2. Jonathan Villar is 1-5 against Walker. Everyone else is ofer. Current Sea Turds fare a bit better against Collin McHugh, coming in at a .290 (9-31) clip, but McHugh has 12 strikeouts against them. Mistake hitter and former Astros farm hand John Buck is 2-2, pain in the ass utility man Willie Bloomquist is 3-6, the irrepressible Robinson Cano is only 2-6 while Michael Saunders is 2-5 against McHugh.

McHugh has been better on the road, but this game is a wildcard because I don’t know what to expect out of Walker, who will probably be a limited pitch count. Therefore, I expect that we’ll be into their bullpen by fifth or sixth frame. I think that it is imperative that we jump on Walker early, but make him run up a pitch count. I’m going to go out on a limb and predict that the Astros lose a heartbreaker by one run in this one.

Water Manure v. Good Guys July 1, 2014-Hisashi Iwakuma v. Jarred Cosart

The current Astros have had some success against Iwakuma, hitting .277 (28-101), but with 23 strikeouts against the split-throwing Iwakuma. Super utility man Marwin Gonzalez leads the way at 6-10 with a jack. Jose Altuve (6-16) and Matt Dominguez (5-16) also see Iwakuma pretty well. Springer is 1-3 with a tater in limited ABs against the veteran right hander. As might be expected, Chris Carter is 3-15 with a home run and a predictable six punch outs in 15 ABs. Jason Castro the Astro is 3-17 against Iwakuma. Current Sea Defecation hitters are hitting .167 (5-30) against Cosart with four strikeouts, but Kyle Seager has a home run off of him. This one could very well be a low scoring affair and come down to who gets the starter out of the game first, although their bully has been better than ours over the course of the season. Cosart has been on a roll lately, pitching to a 2.60 ERA in June, so I like our chances in this one.

Sea Stool v. Astros July 2, 2014-Chris Young v. Brad Peacock

This is the game that scares me. Current members of the Ocean Excrement are hitting at a healthy .326 (15-46) clip against Peacock, with two home runs, seven Ks and two free passes. Brad Miller (4-9) and the pain-in-the-ass Kyle Seager (5-14 with a dinger) lead the way for the Sea Dung. In fact, the only regular who doesn’t have a hit against Peacock inexplicably is Robinson Cano, who checks in at -0-2.

On the other hand, the current Good Guys are hitting .241 (7-29) against the wily veteran Young. The currently injured Dexter Fowler leads the charge of the Good Guys at 4-10. The only other Astros who have hits against Young, which, appropriately given his present team, rhymes with dung, Chris Carter (whose only hit is a home run), Jason Castro and Jonathan Villar. The good news is that Young is susceptible to the long ball, having surrendered 12 in 91.1 frames. I still like our chances in this one, which I think could be an exciting high scoring game.

Promotions

Not much. Two Coca Cola Value Days is all that I could find.

Injuries

Ocean Crap

The Marinturds have four players on the DL right now; two (Corey Hart and Justin Smoak, each on the 15-day DL) are first basemen and who both are out on rehab assignments right now, and two (Blake Beavan-60 day DL and James Paxton-60-day DL) are pitchers.

Astros

The usual suspects (Matt Albers, Jose Cisnero and Jesse Crain) are on the Astros injured list. Anthony Bass could be activated during this series. Josh Fields (15-day DL) is expected to be out until early July. The current more pressing injury problem is that we have a starting pitcher, Dallas Keuchel, and CF Dexter Fowler, who are day-to-day with different ailments. Fowler is dealing with a tight back, and Keuchel is dealing with what sounds like wrist tendinitis, which I’ve had and had to have minor surgery to fix. It hurts if he’s got what I had, which was De Quervains Tenosynovitis. The good news is that the surgical solution is quick and easy and, if that’s what he has, won’t keep him out past a 15-day DL.

Prediction

Astros take a close and hard fought series 2-1.