When an American paratrooper unit was trapped in Bastogne during the Battle of the Bulge, the Germans (those dastardly fascist) offered terms of surrender for the G.I. troops. Surrender terms were taken to the C.O. who promptly sent word back to the German messenger. A one word response:“Nuts”

This baffled the Germans but certainly strengthed the resolve of the alied forces. Because they were able to hold as long as they did, General Patton along with some change in weather and good airstrike capabilities, turned the tide of the counter offensive by the Nazi regime and basically ended the war. Nice story and hope springs eternal at times when one is rooting for a side in any conflict, be it war or even sports. Yes, often times sports idioms cross over into war cries in order to inspire the combatants and of course their fans. Truth be told though, when I think of “Nuts” in the context of the Houston Astros playing baseball, I get a very different vibe than charging up a hill to take out the enemy. If anything, I think “blind squirrel, please have a good day today”.

Anaheim Angels vs Houston Astros
Where: Minute Maid Park
When: Tuesday, May 7th through Thursday, May 9th (thank you day off!)
Series synopsis: Buttered bread strapped to the back of a cat that is falling off a table (Angels road record versus the Astros home record to be exact)

Tuesday, May 7, 2013
CJ Wilson (3-0, 4.04 ERA) versus Jordan Lyles (3.60 ERA)

CJ Wilson is a left hander. What does that mean to the Houston Astros? Well, by proxy probably less strikeouts because Rick Ankiel has to sit. Hey, you write these previews and try and find silver linings… ahem… sorry. Wilson is perhaps the best pitcher on a woeful Angels staff right now, so best to get it out the way early and maybe have a chance to take a series. At home. Maybe. Starting for the Houston Astros is… HEY! when did Jordan Lyles get back to the big club? Here’s your gift for making it back Jordan: Albert Pujols and Josh Hamilton hitting at the MMPUS. No, that gift does not come with a crying towel. Did I mention Rick Ankiel is sitting this one out? What’s that? Chris Carter will probably play? *sigh*

Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Joe Blanton (0-5, 5.97 ERA) vs. Bud Norris (3.89 ERA)

If ERA stood for points and point was the way a team rose in the standings, then the Houston Astros would be well ahead of the Angels. In points. Which of course does not exist in baseball, never had, never will… so yes, it is hard to find silver linings. Sad to say, but this may be one of those classic 4 hour, double digit American League games. But if it runs that long, folks in LA will be able to tune in and watch the game in prime time. So there is that (really hard to find silver linings.. nuts!)

Thursday, May 9, 2013
Jason Vargas (1-3, 3.72 ERA) vs Lucas Harrell (3-3, 5.03 ERA)

Lukey, what happened man? I mean I was ready and willing to admit you were not a journeyman pitcher and I was wrong yet again about a pitcher/player. Then you go out and basically tell the whole world “I am NOT an Ace… stop calling me that!” On the flip side, Vargas for the Angels goes out and throws a complete game versus the Orioles. I mean, this was supposed to be a matchup that favored the Astros. You know, up and coming Ace-like pitcher versus struggling young arm that may be just a journeyman when all is said and done. Seriously, what happened?

Summary

Jared Weaver is still hurt. Thank goodness, one possible no-hitter a week is plenty. For the Astros, well… does it really matter? What is interesting to watch unfold for Anaheim though is the talk swirling around both Pujols and Hamilton. It’s getting to be very speculative about tired old ballplayers who can’t perform like they used to. What is funny to me is when you have a team that has a Mike Trout and other young players, why would you lean so heavily on Pujols and Hamilton. Oh yean, it’s that money thing, as in they earn so much, so this comes with the territory. Okay, I get it… “nuts!”

Read all about the games in the Game Zone if you dare. Even if you don’t dare. Even if you don’t care or dare. Or even if you are fair (weathered), don’t care, or dare. Or… oh forget it.

Do you ever get the desire to scream out “ounce!” (own-say) whenever you see Jose Altuve in a baseball uniform? No? Okay, then it’s just me. Either way, Senor Altuve and the rest of his mates look really sharp in those new road unis. Lo and behold they made the Seattle Mariners scream some things this past series (maybe even in Japanese) that may not be printable. Hey, who am I kidding, this is the revived Orangewhoopass, of course it’s printable.

Now it is on to Anaheim to meet up with that dastardly Pujols and his band of merry men in a weekend series. Homers for everyone!

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Houston Astros (3-6) versus the Anaheim Angels (2-6)
April 12th through the 14th
Angels Stadium of Anaheim

It’s early, but…
Who knew at this stage of the season, or at any stage of the season, the Houston Astros would have a better won/loss record than the mighty Angels of Anaheim? Not me, but that is the beauty of having a really breakout series in Seattle, those long time rivals of the local nine. So not only did the Astros win their first series of the season, but they did it on the road. This is the place where Astros wins go to die. This year… four words: FREAKIN’ AWESOME ROAD UNIFORMS! What got little attention this past series was the smack that was run by the Seattle television broadcast version of Patti Smith about the new road unis. Never mess with the Baseball Gods when it comes to good baseball fashion sense. Stirrups long side on the back, young lady.

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Friday, April 12th
Bud Norris (1-1, 3.18 ERA) vs. Tommy Hanson (1-0, 4.50 ERA)
Start time: 9:05 CT

Not sure which Hanson brother is pitching for the Angels, maybe the one who plays the drums or skates on the left wing, but it doesn’t matter. Houston has finally broken out of the early season jitters and settled down when it comes to hitting. Of course, all it took was skipper Porter sitting one guy down in the middle of a game to send the message to everyone. Since that comm was sent to the entire team via one quinea pig JD Martinez, they all seem to be more relaxed and focused at the plate. Okay, maybe not all of them, but when Marwin Gonzales starts to swing a mean stick, you have to take notice. On the flip side, the Angels aren’t a bad hitting team either, but if I thought the Astros bullpen was suspect, wait till you get a load of this Angel pen. I think they’re all rehearsing to be the batting practice pitcher for Josh Hamilton in the Home Run Derby. That is important because Houston has never fared well against Hanson in the past. Fireworks are going to start later in the game in this one. No lead is safe for either side.

Saturday, April 13th
Lucas Harrell (0-2, 7.84 ERA) vs. Garrett Richardson (0-0, 2.08 ERA)
Start time: 8:05 CT

Lucas Harrell has had a Jekyll and Hyde season so far. Of course, that is exactly two starts worth of data, so let’s just say it’s a toddler version of Jekyll and Hyde. Still, toddlers can be mean sumabitches too, but I digress. For whatever it’s worth, and my guess is “not much”, I still don’t see how Harrell translates into anything other than journeyman starter who has had a run of really good luck. For example, you want to talk about luck… there is nothing luckier than to miss squaring off against Jared Weaver to try and win your first game of the season. Harrell should take advantage of the fact that some dude named Richardson and probably a very worn out Anaheim bullpen get to try and hold down the orange and blue hitters. Go Marwin!

Sunday, April 14th
Philip Humber (0-2, 3.09 ERA) vs. C.J. Wilson (0-0, 5.25 ERA)
Start time: 2:35 CT

Okay, you want to talk about luck, I give you the flip side of the coin named Philip Humber. He of the perfect game last year who this year can’t buy a break pitching for the Astros. Humber has been the most impressive starter on the team, worthy of some amount of praise and a whole lot of condolences for wearing out the shoulder for a team that was completely lost at the plate. As luck (the bad kind) would have it, it was after Humber’s last start that the road Astros started to hit. So to reward the Rice ex, he now gets to face the Angels best pitcher not named Weaver. There you go Philip, deal with it.

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When you’re hot, you’re hot… when you’re not, you’re Wallace
Anyone with two eyes and penchant for over analyzing this early season’s worth of baseball can see that there are some noteworthy streakiness going on with this team. Carlos Pena, Chris Carter, Marwin Gonzales, and of course Rick Ankiel on occasion. Gonzales is really the surprise to me because I’m not used to American League baseball. So is this what they had in mind with the number nine hitting spot in the order in the AL? Aye Diosito Mio… Go Marwin! What is more surprising to me is Justin Maxwell somehow becoming a major league hitter of the consistency kind. Nevermind Altuve, you knew this kid could hit… but J-Max? Time will tell of course and truth be told, he’s only a quasi-centerfielder holding down George Springer’s job for later (or maybe not), but if J-Max is actually hitting with consistency, then they knew of what they were doing to put his photo along the walk of fame for 2013 outside of the MMPUS. Then there is Brett Wallace. Ahum… ’nuff said. Next!

Injury Report

Both Houston and Anaheim are realtively injury free right now other than Jared Weaver. Next time, no more Neo-like moves on the mound big guy.

So I’m kinda sad I couldn’t think of any type of “Angels in the Outfield” reference to use this time. I think we’re all better for it too. Be sure to catch up on the games in the Gamezone this weekend, Mr. Happy will be in a good mood to see you there!

It’s coming to end soon. Very soon. The once proud tradition of National League baseball played in Houston will be no more. Good to see that other teams and fans in the National League are all broken up about it too. No really, I think they care. Okay, maybe not that much. Oh hell, they don’t give a rip. In fact, one beat writer for the Pittsburgh nine went so far as to insult the Houston organization as they walk out the door. Nothing like some crabby bastard in the media section at PNC Park to carry the day on being gracious and kind to the dearly departed.

In the end though, does anybody care what some hack has to say any way? No seriously, was he joking, serious, senile, or just being his douchebag self with his parting shot? One thing is for sure, he wasn’t factual. By that, what exactly does this kook mean that Houston has had 51 seasons of generally dreadful National League baseball? Really? By whose standards… his? If so, then the man is truly ignorant and by and large an idiot. Okay, so I can probably guess the guy wants to pull a “just kidding” right about now, or maybe not. Either way, he’s a moron. Here is the biggest reason: No one in Houston who has had the priviledge of watching the local nine in all those years would ever use the word dreadful.

Not even this season.

Yes, there you go, I said it. Baseball and dreadful generally don’t go together well, not to those with any ounce of dignity and passion for the game. I’m guessing someone in the media booth up in Pittsburgh has been sniffing way too much popcorn that the old heart and noggin ain’t what it used to be. This is really the truth of the matter, it’s been one hell of a ride and now that it’s over (or soon to be over), it’s nothing but good all over and then some. Perhaps not the best way to go out, what with the machinations of the MLB commissioner, the departed owner, the new owner, and the organization deciding to gut itself while the whole world watched in the same manner one would watch a hari kari ritual with shock and awe. But does that negate 50 years of baseball in our town? No, it doesn’t. But…

Dreadful? Hardly.

Not from this seat, it’s been fun, enjoyable, heart pounding, amazing, thrilling, and worth every emotion invested in the Houston Astros. Every day spent riding in the car on a Sunday afternoon with my Dad and brother as we approached the Astrodome and the game. Walking up to the gate and opening the doors to the magical place, watching the outfielders shagging flyballs, the hitters taking their hacks, and finding the best place to sit in the right field pavillion seats. Yelling as loud as I could for Jimmy Wynn, or Doug Radar. Dennis Menke, Hector Torres, Freddy “Flinstone” Gladding, all the heroes this kid could find wearing the shooting star uniform. The awe of looking up at the cieling in the Dome, or watching the scoreboard explode when a homerun was hit by a local player. Baseball was and is fun, it was about being there with my Dad, it was what any kid in any city in any state anywhere would call wonderful. Somewhere the blackhearts will disagree, but in the end, they can’t really take that away from us. From me. They can’t take away the fandom a teen had of the Jesus Alous, the Terry Puhls, the Craig Reynolds, the Nolan Ryans, the JR Richards, the Joe Sambitos, the Mike Scotts, and all the rest. They can’t handle how much we loved Bob Knepper, Casey Candele, Daryl Kile, Jeff Bagwell, Craig Biggio, and Ken Caminiti. Luis Gonzales, Crazy Carl Everett, Moises Alou, Richard Hidalgo, Derek Bell, Daryl Ward, Lance Berkman, Roy Oswalt, Carlos Lee, and all the rest. They were our team, representing out town well in the National League.

So now it’s time to turn the page and for some of us, the ride might be over, for others, the new ride is looked at with anticipation. And still for others, it’s not settled yet. There is still too much to bear, to think about right now. The end of the National League Houston Astros.

Doesn’t really sound good to say it, much less own it. But it is reality, the end is nigh. There is still baseball to be played for two more weeks, including one last joust with the Buccos from Pittsburgh. Does this last series matter or have any real significance? No, not really (all the right things are being said about “spoiler” and all, but seriously? Naaaahhhh….). In the grand scheme of things, the series is just going to be a faded memory soon and to many of us, it isn’t even worth even caring about right now. There is a greater issue at hand that really divides our attention.

It is time to say good-bye. It has been a great ride indeed and for that I am grateful!

There is a whole new level of crazy to decide to dance with a snake for sacrifical reasons. Not that there is anything appreciably wrong with folks just trying to appease the gods with such stupidity, but it just doesn’t seem like the best idea to me. I cannot imagine Jobu or any baseball god having any sort of mercy on a soul or collective soul wishing for divine intervention when there is 1) less than palatable music, 2) sweaty human(s), and 3) pissed off reptile(s) involved. But then again, one never knows if some the BBGs come from the Appalachian Mountains and like this sort of thing. Cue crazy eyed Jordan Schafer and some banjo music and we might just have us a slump-buster party. Woo-hoo!

Houston Astros vs. Arizona D’Backs
July 20-22
Chase (corrupt financial institution) Ballpark

Face it, the Houston Astros are imploding. Not in a “big bang, wow, look at the fireworks, that’s FANtastic” sort of way. More of a “death by a thousand paper cuts, can one more player be traded and/or injured this season, what the hell was that play?” sort of way. Means it’s frustrating to watch for the loyal followers of the Houston nine. Honestly, it’s getting to be borderline humiliating to watch the big bullies of the National League pick on the 90 lb weakling Astros. If only there was a super-hero in the MLB to step in and protect these under… ah… privileged? performing? talented? all of the above?…. players. No, that would take a spine on the part of Bud Selig, which leads us, of course, back to snakes. Maybe the whole thing is that Houston did dance with a snake and are now paying for their sins.

So we, as fans, are left with watching non-competitive fights betwix the Astros and whoever is lining up next to take a free punch at them. This series, coupled with the jettison of even more players today to Canada, is not going to be any different. How is this for starters: Arizona has dominated Houston in recent years, winning 14 of its last 18 overall and 15 of 21 at home.

Bud Norris vs Trevor Cahill
Friday, July 20
9:00pm CST

Pray for rain. Oh damn, they have a roof on that damn stadium of theirs! Oh well. Here is the deal, doesn’t matter who is pitching *for* the opposition. It matters who is pitching *for* the Astros. Bud Norris just doesn’t look right after coming back from an injury. He doesn’t have the sharpness on his slider and that makes him highly dependent on a fastball. Not that this is a bad thing, just that you have to locate that bad boy to make it work. Bud has not won a game, or even come close to it in his last six tries. More struggle ahead may be the order of the day because quite frankly the Arizona D’Backs don’t lose much at home. The Astros also don’t win on the road. What a perfect match. Aye!

J.A. Happ (oh wait!) vs Wade Miley
Saturday, July 21
7:00pm CST

Don’t know yet who is starting for Houston on Saturday, perhaps young Dallas Keuchel. You see, Houston, in all it’s wisdom, traded their starter to Toronto. Wise move Astros. So now we’re left with a bit of confusion, but alas, does that little shakeup hurt the chances of winning a game (or series)? Not really when you think the chances of winning aren’t that good to begin with. See versus D’Backs, losing streak. Still there is always… who am I kidding, pray for… oh nevermind!

Jordan Lyles vs Josh Collmenter
Sunday, July 22
3:00pm CST

How the heck do the D’Backs manage to trot out pitchers with under 4.00 ERAs when they have one of the worse bandbox stadiums in the league? I mean, it supposed to be a hitter’s haven this side of Colorado. Not that that means anything to the “in a funk” Houston offense. The local nine could play at the little league field near my house right now and maybe scratch out a couple of runs. They’d have to play the little league all-stars to do it though.

Okay, so it’s doom and gloom days for Astros fans. I know it and I wish I could be much more positive than this in your friendly neighborhood series preview. Maybe this picture will help?

Okay, maybe not! Seems like more of the same crazy person dancin’ with a snake to me.
Follow if dare the series goings on in the Gamezone. Barf bags not included.