WHAT IS MY POINT?
I’m not going to lie. As I sit down to write this it’s after midnight.  I’ve had more than a few margaritas. And I’m about to watch the dvr’d game with absolutely zero knowledge as to what transpired earlier this afternoon.  I’m feeling a mix of hope and a very real desire for chocolate, and I’m fine with that.

WHY DOES IT MATTER?
This is going to be the cliff’s notes version of a game that I am fast-forwarding through not because I’m lazy, but because I’m a thousand miles from sober and some of us have to work in the morning.  So if you aren’t up for reading my random thoughts along with a little dab o’baseball, I would politely ask that you to fuck off.

LET’S PLAY BALL

Noscorenoscorenoscorenoscorenoscore

Someone got a hit. Who is this paulino fellow and why isn’t he in the lineup everyday? Sombitch.  Why are the astros unable to get anything out of the middle of the order.  That really needs to change.

I have a ridiculous amount of change in my wallet right now.  Entering the beltway the other day, I handed the toll worker a fiver and she gave me back four dollars all in jingly change.  I didn’t ask for that it that way and wasn’t ready for it, as is evidenced by my left wrist which is now “stove up“ (or is it “locked up”? I always confuse the two) from the 3 pounds of coinage that was plunked into my hand.   

Hate. The. cubs.

Fastforwardfastforwardfastforward

How old is carlos silva?

2x…15x…go faster!

Ok, cool. The astros are ahead. Paulino must be comfortable out there.   Cubs fans are horrid, horrid creatures.  Or, as my kid would say: bigscusting.   

I’m actually really excited about following Manzella and Johnson this season.  And not at all in a restraining order way.  not yet, anyway. 

Uh oh.  What’s going on felipe?  Fuck.  I wonder what the gamezone has to say about this.

There should be leftover easter candy somewhere in this house. It’s down to the final remnants, so while I long for a peanut butter cup I know all I can really hope for is a kit kat, or a mini krackle at best.  Last weekend we made cookies from scratch and crushed up a couple handfuls of easter chocolates and added it to the mix.  They were fucking awesome.  Also – rum is always an acceptable substitute for vanilla extract. 

Damn. Other Lee just put the cubs ahead by 5.

Fuckthecubsfuckthecubsfuckthecubsfuckthecubs

Ninth inning…….
And, ballgame.

WHAT DID WE LEARN?
That “take five” is not only a stupid name for a candy bar, it is a piss poor excuse for one as well. It sounds lovely when you take a look at the ingredients: milk chocolate, peanuts, caramel, pretzel and peanut butter.  However, the execution of the middle three has been a disappointment.  Really, it’s up to those three to provide the punch and bring things together.  And to my taste, they’re not getting the job done.  While the key ingredients have much potential, overall it just falls flat.

The Astros lost. Their record stinks.  Roy is pitching Saturday.  Goodnight and good luck.

***Batgirl had some posting issues, so JaneDoe posted this for her.  Sorry its a little late.

i’ve had old school game shows on the brain lately.  growing up, one of my absolute favorites was the “match game”.  as a kid, i missed some of the intended double entendres…but i loved to watch it for a number of reasons.  

adults drinking and smoking and being silly on tv was awesome.  the theme song was exceedingly danceable.  my young mind also understood the humor much more readily than “monty python” and “laugh in”, so in many ways, charles nelson reilly is a touchstone for my formative years.

get your blue index cards and big ass sharpies ready, because it’s time to meet the contestants!

Our returning champ is Geoff from Redwood City, California, and he is being challenged today by Cecil C.  Welcome to the show, and tell us a little about what do you do, Coop!

Wow!  It’s just great to be here. What do I do?  That’s kind of hard to explain…I’m usually just working on shaking things up a bit to try to get something going.  Some of my favorite hobbies are talking out of both sides of my mouth and throwing people under the bus.  But I’m really excited about the new book I’ve been asked to write, which, like me, should be out by the fall.  It’s called “Lineups From Dummies”. 

Don’t you mean “Lineups FOR Dummies”?

What?

What?  And here we go!  As always, we begin with our challenger, so Cecil here is your sentence:

“Waldo the baseball player was so superstitious…

HOW SUPERSTITIOUS WAS HE?!?!

…he was so superstitious, that before each and every game, he would touch his BLANK, five times”. 

While you think about that, Coop, let’s meet our panel –

He’s a successful businessman who loves champions – say hello to Drayton McLane Jr!

Please welcome the man that is currently holding his head in his hands, Mr. Ed Wade!

And putting herself right there in the middle of those two, as usual, it’s the irrepressible Pam Gardner!

Over in the front row –

The man wearing the “Really?!?” t-shirt with a disgusted look on his face – you know him as Brian Moehler!

You may have seen him at the vending machine around the corner, say “Hi” to Lance Berkman!

And finally, he’s no Delilah – live via satellite from Round Rock, it’s Chris Sampson!

OK Coop, we need your answer please.

I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I’m going to say “Lineup Card”

“Waldo the baseball player was so superstitious, that just before each and every time game, he would touch his LINEUP CARD five times”.  Now let’s see if the panel agrees with you…

Drayton?  Show us what you wrote down.

I wrote “FANS”.

Pam?

I went with “WALLET”.

And how about you, Ed?

I actually said “LINEUP CARD”.

Let’s see – Moehler, Berkman and Sampson…you’ve not only left your cards blank, you’ve all turned your backs on the contestant as well, which makes it an automatic 1 point for Cecil.  OK – get ready, Geoff!  Here’s your sentence:  “My manager is SOOOO horrible…

HOW HORRIBLE IS HE?

…he’s SOOOO horrible, that the only logical explanation for him still having a job is that he regularly BLANKS the commissioner”. 

Geoff, you seem to be ready with your answer, but let’s start with the panel this time. 

Sampson?

I wrote “BLOWS”

Moehler?

I went with “FELATES”

What about you, Lance?

I just said the first thing that came to my mind – “SNACKS WITH”

Well, Geoff, it appears that the other half of our panel is ignoring the question, so let’s see if your answer matches up. 

Um, wait a second there, Geoff.  That’s not actually a card you are holding up…that’s more of a gesture.   Judges?

…and we’ll accept it!  Geoff, great job!  Three points for you!  Well played – we’ll definitely be seeing you for a little longer.

But as for you, Coop – that’s going to be it.  Our time with you has run out.  Thanks for stopping by.  Although your appearance here was short-lived, I think I speak for all of us when I say it seemed to drag on much longer than it should have.  But just because you’ve wrapped up things here with us, it doesn’t mean you are finished.  In fact, “Press Your Luck” tapes in another city.  You’d be a natural!

(This has been Astros Match ’09. A Mark Goodson-Tal Smith Production)

Be sure to tune in to the GZ  for more bloopers and outtakes of today’s show.  And catch this episode’s official summary if you missed anything, or just want to relive it in it’s entirety.

final: houston 3  st. louis 4

espn recap

that was an extremely tough game to watch the astros lose.  i’m definitely one of those fans that feels sick to their stomach after one of these, and with the division, wildcard and .500 seeming to slowly slip away, it is all the more painful to see the astros free-fall from contention in front of the BFiB.

ivana hitter

rodriguez and his double sevens have been hitting a horrid .091 over the last seven days, and they finally managed to break out of his 0-18 slump.  unfortunately, it was one or two at-bats too late.  when pudge struck out with the bases juiced to end the 5th inning, it brought the total number of men he had personally left in scoring position to 5.  total astros lob this game = 11

no, really, you take the W

alberto arias made sure to help the cardinals steal seal the victory by giving houston’s lead away in the 8th.  with one out, he hit pujols with a pitch, which set up holliday (who went 4-4 on the day) to line a double to right, scoring pujols and putting him in position to be the go ahead run…which holliday eventually was, when rick ankiel got it done with a single to make it (what would end up being a final) 4-3.  a most undeserved win for st. louis.

a solid 4

moehler looked good, though.  everyone thought so.  i guess everyone thought so.  i really didn’t hear what cooper had to say about his starter, but i did read this:

“Sometimes you get a little aggressive on him, and he just keeps moving it out a little further.  He just throws a lot of quality pitches.  Big League pitcher.  I drink take my hat off to him,”  LaRussa said after the game.

moehler has been to the astros what hampton should have been for the team this season.  hopefully he continues to stay solid as houston tries to piece it’s rotation back together.  if norris pitches well sunday, if oswalt comes back strong, and if wandy continues to look like an ace, mike hampton should consider asking his girlfriend about possible substitute teaching gigs for the fall.

its a lot of “if’s”, sure.  but it’s much better than too many “butt’s”.

best (partial) post-game quote

“…I got right up to my release point and it squirted out of my hand.  When I let go of it, I thought i was going to throw it halfway up the backstop.”

— Brian Moehler

if you have free time this weekend

and you need a little distraction, here’s some stuff you can try to pass the time:

— read random barzilla threads/books

— count the infinite number of places one can acquire steel tubs in the houston area/start numerous threads about something…ANYTHING….other than baseball and the astros

— take a case of left hand imperial stout (and video recording device) to coach’s house

or,if you want some basball, there’s always the stellar insights of:

gamezone

series preview

Fuck.