Minniepaulians 4
Astros 3
contributed by NeilT
I love Minnesota. You probably don’t know this, but I’ve actually been to Minnesota. I’ve flown to Minneapolis, on Braniff Airlines, and I’ve driven to Minneapolis more than once in a relatively new Plymouth Duster. I’ve been to Minneapolis in summer, and I’ve been to Minneapolis in the winter. I’ve driven through Austin, Mn., home of the Spam Museum. It was in Minneapolis, in fact, that I learned that not everyplace serves Dr. Pepper. That’s why I’m so cosmopolitan today.
Now that we’re in the American League, there are some important things you need to know about Minnesota. Here are some of those things.
The Twins. The Minnesota baseball team is the Minneapolis Twins. That’s because there are these two cities, St. Paul and Minneapolis, which are actually the same city, but which is known as The Twins’ Cities because it was founded by fraternal twins, Paul and Minnie. Paul and Minnie were abandoned by their parents and raised by wild beavers. There’s a famous statue at the state capitol of Minniepaulius of Paul and Minnie suckling from a beaver. It’s presumably a female beaver, but it looks perplexed.
White People. Some residents of Minnesota have never met anyone whose ancestors weren’t Scandinavian. Cultural diversity in Minnesota consists of whether your grandparents were Norwegians or Swedes.
Liquor Deliveries. It gets really, really cold in Minnesota. In winter it gets dark at 3 o’clock in the afternoon, and then it snows. Winter lasts from the end of the regular season to the All-Star Break. That’s why nobody drinks more than Minnesotans. Remember, their only cultural contribution is F. Scott Fitzgerald, a famous drunk who wrote mostly about drinking, and most households get daily deliveries of vodka. The vodka man leaves a couple of bottles on the front stoop, where the vodka immediately freezes.
Hotdish. Minnesotan cuisine consists of hotdish, which is some starch, some dairy, some meat, some canned soup, and some corn. Minnesotans eat hotdish 365 days a year, and in leap years add a casserole. I was feeling nostalgic for those visits I made to Minnesota 30-odd years ago, so tonight I made hotdish for dinner. I wanted something with a bit of Texas flavor, and after an internet search I made authentic Minnesotan taco hotdish. Here’s the list of ingredients:
2 pkgs crescent rolls
1 lb hamburger
1 pkg taco seasoning
1 can tomato soup
1 can corn
4 lg. slices mozzarella cheese
1 egg, beaten.
Jumble the ingredients up in a casserole and bake at 350 for 43 minutes. With 2 fifths vodka serves a family of 4.
There you go. That’s authentic Minnesotan.
***
Cosart pitched 7 tonight, and left the game having thrown 99 pitches. He allowed 5 hits, 1 ER, 4 SO, and 1 BB. It was efficient and completely satisfying. Then we learned what this means: 老嫖. In Mandarin, it means that Porter frequents the bullpen.
There was consternation that Cosart was taken out of the game. Over the next 6 innings there were some go ahead runs by the Twins, and some tying runs by the Stros, and vice versa. There was a Villar error. There were Astros bullpen shenanigans, but there were some nice moments as well. Zeid came in with a 0.00 ERA and left with a 0.00 ERA. He must be the new closer.
By the 12th only Harrell was left in the pen, so Porter brought in Keuchel. In the bottom of the 13th the Twins got their walk-off.