Astros at Cardinals, 8/2/2010
Astros 9, Cardinals 4
W: Figueroa (3-1) L: MacDougal (1-1)
HR: Some STL scrub (26)
Everything’s Coming Up Milhouse: Astros @ Cards Series Preview
Well, that escalated quickly. After all the hemming and hawing about rebuilding, reloading and retardation, the Astros team that boarded the flight to St. Louis was a very different one than the one that greeted the Brew Crew on Texas Ave Friday morning. So different in fact, that it made me forget that there’s a schedule for these damned previews. That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.
My wife and I help out with the junior high programs at our church, and we took two of the boys to the game on Friday. They were really disappointed that Lance wasn’t going to be there. I have to admit that I was too; even as mediocre as he’s been this year, he’s been a constant presence in Houston baseball almost since I was their age. Even though the presences of the delightfully doughy Brett Wallace at least provided some semblance of continuity at first base, the air was definitely different at MMPUS.
I had a discussion with some other youngsters at church who were bemoaning the fact that the Astros’ record was so horrible this year, and one of them rashly floated the idea of switching allegiances to the Rangers. Our house of worship’s by-laws, signed and agreed to by yours truly, prevent adults who help out with the children’s programs from enacting corporal punishment. Heathens. I quietly reminded my wayward charge that I had lived through much darker periods in the Astros’ history, and apart from a brief flirtation with the Rockies around the time of their inception, had remained faithful. To judge a team for one bad season (or even five bad seasons) is not what real fans do, I told him.
“Whatever. They still suck. And you’re old.”
Mouthy little fucker.
Your regularly scheduled program, already in progress
Monday, August 2nd, 7:15 CT
Amero-Belgian-Brazilian Beer Conglomerate Stadium
Brett “The Hitman” Myers (8-6, 3.10) v. Jake “The Snake” Westbrook (0-0, ——)
I love how they reset players’ stats when they switch leagues. If I were a Major Leaguer, I’d forgo any no-trade clause just so that I could wipe the slate clean on a shitty season by requesting a trade. Hitting .175? Trade me to the NL! 99.97 (I got that one guy out!) ERA? Trade me to the AL! Monocle smile!
Myers is still the MVP of the team at this point. Give that man a new contract! Against the Cards, he’s not doing so well historically, with Albert, Sore Balls Holliday and all the rest hitting .307 combined against him. Pujols, Ludwick, Schumacher, LaRue and Holliday have all taken him deep twice.
What do Jake Westbrook and the national sports media have in common? Neither has ever seen the Astros play! But Carlos has homered off him back with Texas or whatever.
Tuesday, August 3rd, 7:15 CT
Bud Norris (3-7, 5.63) v. Jaime Garcia (9-4, 2.33)
“Beer” Stadium
The Co-ards may have finally beaten Bud for a change, but that was before Oswalt stopped giving Bud Copenhagen wedgies and Mississippi time share brochures instead of scouting reports. Yaddy Molina and Ryan Ludwick hit him well, but everyone else looks worse against him than a St. Louis beauty queen in Texas.
Jaime has overcome having a girl’s name to pitch pretty well this year. That Duncan guy is a miracle worker, huh? He’s never faced the Astros so blah blah fucking blah. Michaels has a hit off him, so there’s that.
Wednesday, August 4th, 7:15 CT
“Sure, I Don’t Care About Taste, I Just Respond Well To Advertising” Beer Stadium
J.A. Happ (1-0, 0.00) v. Chris Carpenter (11-3, 2.93)
I liked this Jay kid last year when I grabbed him on the waiver wire in my fantasy league. Who knows if he’s an ace or just a solid #3, but I’m glad I’ll get to see him pitch a lot for the next few years. He’s been hit well by the Cards in a couple of previous starts, but only gave up four earned runs. So he’s not Happ-less. HAW HAW HAW!
Carpenter’s headshot makes him look like a Photoshop reconstruction of a man wanted for indecent exposure in a pharmacy. Seriously. Carpenter is thanking his lucky stars that Berkman’s gone, given how well Puma used to hit him. Fortunately for him, and unfortunately for us, Pence hits .086 against him. Which basically means that Carpenter has a breaking pitch.
Wednesday: Autographs! From grown men!
Sadly, the “Get A Free Ticket Out of St. Louis!” promotion has been postponed indefinitely.
Astros:
Alberto Arias – Wade’s gotten so bored with this injury, he put Arias on waivers just so he could claim him back.
Geoff Blum – rehabbing the wrist in Corpus.
Tommy Manzella – Almost back from fractured finger.
Brian Moehler – Due back from DL any day now. What of poor Nelson Figaro or whoever?
Felipe Paulino – We learned Friday, through the in-game entertainment, that Paulino is a horrible dancer! Just thought I’d share.
Cardinals:
David Freese – Broken toe, dashing out of the dugout to bat ninth.
Tyler Greene – Right hand contusion. You’re doing in wrong. Use lotion, dumbass.
Kyle Lohose – Being Kyle Lohse. 60 Day DL.
Adam Ottovino – 15 Day DL, vowel overdose.
Brad Penny – 15 Day DL. Threw off flat ground. Big fuckin’ deal. I throw off flat ground all the time, and you don’t read about it in the paper, do you?
Nick Stavinoha – 15 Day DL, Greek Guy Chest Hair
What To Watch For:
Well, obviously, the game is already going. So watch it. Watch this new team stumble around like a toddler with a bottle full of Mommy’s gin. Enjoy it, y’all. It’s the future.
New Crew Sweeps Brew Crew
Friday – WIN!
Saturday – WIN!
Sunday – WIN!
The settling dust of MLBs trading deadline on Saturday revealed a new, young, unproven, yet vibrant Astros team – and Carlos Lee.
Friday, the centerpiece of the Astros push to get Roy the hell out, J.A. Happ, went out and blanked the Brewers for 6, while huge nights by Kepp and CJ kept the offense on a roll.
Saturday, with Berkman gone for at least the rest of the season, newcomer Brett Wallace made his debut and while he went hitless, he proved he can in fact, pour piss from a boot. Multi-hit nights by Kepp, Michaels and CJ helped the Astros score 6. Wandy blistered the Brewers for 8 scoreless and the boys cruised to their second straight shutout.
Sunday, a pitcher’s duel matching Randy Wolf with young lefty Wesley Wright and they were toe-to-toe through 5. When Hart smacked a 2-run dinger off WW in the 6th, things looked bleak as Wolf was breezing. But in the 7th, Beaker slapped a liner to Wolf that bounced off his left wrist for an infield hit that knocked Wolf out of the game. His replacement, Loe walked Lee and CJ to load ’em for PH JMike. Braddock replaced Loe and gave up a sweet slam to Michaels that landed just a few rows back in the Crawfords. 1 more run was added in the 8th on a PENCE!!! triple and a cutoff throw that sailed into the Brewers dugout. Lopez and Lyon locked things down and the Astros completed the sweep and ran their winning streak to a season-high 5 games. Wesley got his first win as a starter and Wallace got his first MLB hit.
So the rebuilding begins. I have a feeling I’ll enjoy watching these guys play out the season. They take off for Busch for 3 with the Jakes starting tonight. Go kick the shit out of ’em, boys!
Brewers @ Astros–Make Sure You Kick the Whine-O on the Way Out
Hello, world, here’s a song that we’re singin’, C’mon get Happ-y
The Astros enter into a new era, and boy are they PO’d. That’s Post Oswalt’d for you who haven’t surfed the internet or turned on a TV in the past 36 hours or so. Uh, huh, that guy who was supposed to break the Astros team record for wins is bye-bye, and a young southpaw is in the fold.
A whole lotta lovin’ is what we’ll be bringin’, We’ll make you Happ-y
James Anthony Happ. J. A. for short.
We had a dream we’d go trav’lin’ together
We’d spread a little lovin then we’d keep movin’ on
Now as the details of the trade came down the pike, Astros fans across the universe held their collective breaths as visions of a sugar plum fairy godmotherf’er of a deal danced in their heads. What could be gotten for their favorite electrically charged and repaired Roy-O? Wild ass rumours were the talk of the day–from 3 team deals where the Astros would get 8 blue star sure thing minor league prospects plus Ted William’s cryogenically preserved dome, down to just trading Oswalt for a lifetime supply of Vagisil and Mantyhose. When the dust settled, the Astros had given the Phillies $11 million dollars and a major league Whine-O for a young left-handed pitcher J. A. Happ, along with outfielder Anthony Gose and shortstop Jonathan Villar. Gose was then flipped to the Blue Jays for first baseman Brett Wallace, masher extraordinaire.
Somethin’ always happ-ens whenever we’re together
We get a Happ-y feelin’ when we’re singin’ a song
Happ-y Trails, to ya Roy, don’t forget your Bros on the way out…… Now, if we could just get rid of those horses and yeller cats, too.
Friday, July 30, 7:05 PM CT Saturday, July 31, 6:05 PM CT Sunday, August 1, 1:05 PM CTBack to the business at hand…baseball…games. The Brew Crew is in town, after losing 2 of 3 to the NL Central leading Cincinnati Reds (yep, don’t run out and get Lasik, you read that right, the Reds).
Friday’s matchup has Manny Parra facing that Happ-y guy (not to be confused with our own Mr. Happy). Happ has started once against the Brewers in his career, giving up 2 runs on 6 hits in 5.2 innings and earning a W. Current Brewers hit .286 against him, lead by the Prince himself with a .500 average. Parra is coming off his better appearances of the season last week (against the Nats mind you). Four Astros sport .500 or better averages off Manny: Lee, Feliz, Michaels and Q.
Saturday’s matchup features a battle between a rod and a bush-and we all know how that usually turns out. The rod comes up limp, but the bush gets creamed. (Boooooo, I know) Pence typically likes Bush, going 8 for 20 with 1 dinger, while Feliz and Lee both have taken him yard twice. McGehee (.455), Hart (.419), Braun (.368) and Weeks (.300), are salivating to see Wandy take the hill. Rodriguez is 6-6 with a 4.48 ERA vs the Brewers in his career.
For the Sunday matinee, its a battle of the Ws, Wolf vs Wright. Wolf has held the current Astros lineup to a .207 BA. That anemic average is only that high because Q is 5 for 9 with a .556 average, or else that average drops below the shit line to a paltry .178. The Kid is making his third start of the season for the Good Guys (both against the Cubs–Fuck them!) and has yet to get past the 5th inning.
Is there a doctor in the house?
The Sexy, Sexy Bitch and the kid who won’t take off his sunglasses at night are questionable for this series. Sittin’ on the dock of the DL we find Gerut, Davis, Estrada and Zaun playing a game of quarters til the sun goes down. Or they get shit-faced, one or the other.
Arias is still MIA for the season. Fulchino has started his rehab assignment, while Blum, Manzella, Moehler, and Paulino draw straws to see who gets to visit Brownie and JD in the booth this Saturday. Keppinger is day-to-day from the backache he aquired from trying to carry this team single-handedly for much of the season.
Send’em home Happ-y!
Friday Night Fireworks! ‘Nuff said.
"Look Ma! They got it wrong! His butt ain't brushing the ground!"
Saturday-New Batting Coach Jeff Bagwell Bobblehead! How many Bagwell bobbing heads does one need anyway? Anything to get another ass in the seat, huh, Pam? Oh, yeah. Its also that Faith and Family night thing that Alkie hates, featuring Fat Elvis giving his testimony–LIVE ON THE BIG SCREEN FROM NEW YORK CITY!!!!!!
Sunday-An Astros lunch bag for the kiddies, just in time for school. I am going to have to steal one of those babies for myself. My family and I will be attending the game thanks to Chevy Youth Baseball. In the cheap seats, where else? I said Chevy not Bentley.
The Re-building Saga Begins
Dear Drayton,
The word of the day is re-building. Emphasis on the re-. It has been done before. Remember that October of 20 ouught five? You can have that Happ-y feeling again. If you build it………well, you know what comes next.
(song fades into the distance)Trav’lin’ along there’s a song that we’re singin’,
C’mon get Happ-y
A whole lotta lovin’ is what we’ll be bringin’,
We’ll make you Happ-y
We’ll make you Happ-y,
We’ll make you Happ-y
Good start Drayton. Now, go make us happy.
Take that you dirty, stinky Cubs
Cubs 1, Astros 8
W: Bud Norris, L: Randy Wells
The Astros won another series against the Cubs. Right now they hold a pretty good lead on the season series. Norris went 6 solid innings and Carlos Lee hit a couple of homeruns to secure this series win. The Astros are only 3.5 back of the Cubs in the standing. Plenty of time left in the season to pass them. Hopefully, the Astros start winning a bit more and the Cubs have their usual season-ending meltdown.
It almost seems like no one really cares about the games right now. It is all about trades. I don’t remember a time of being a fan where the key players were being traded. It is a very weird feeling. I am glad the team is getting stronger, hopefully, but sad that another era is over. It seems like just last year that the Bagwell/Biggio era ended.
Check out tonight’s game against the Brewers in the gamezone or at Minute Maid Park. I’ll be at the park cheering on the newest member to the Astros family, J.A. Happ to a win. Jane’s got all the information you need about the series in her preview.
Roy Oswalt Traded
In a move that surprises no one except maybe Astros Fans hiding in a cave for the last three months, the Houston Astros traded away one time ACE Roy Oswalt to the Philadelphia Phillies for much more than a horse or a bulldozer. Indeed what Houston got back in return was J.A. Happ, a tall left handed pitcher who has basically been a promising ready for the majors #2 or #3 starter. Haap experienced elbow problems this year setting him back several months, however, Astro fans are used to this sort of thing (*cough* Paulino *cough* Norris *cough*), so no worries.
One would think though that if you’re talking ACE (even former ACE), you would get back a boat load of prospects, dinero, flowers, wine, dinner for two at Chili’s and a hat. Nope, besides Haap, it seemed like for all the world GM Ed Wade was a living example of what concourse fans believe him to be: a horse trader with no horse sense. What Wade got back along with Haap was not 18 year old first base phenom Singleton, the rumored best prospect to expect in the deal, but shortstop Jonathan Villar who might be good or might be a JAG depending on what concourse fan you talk to and then the surprise get of Gose, a speedy outfielder with top of the scale defensive skills and no bat. A poor imitation of Michael Bourn so it seemed. That got the juices flowing in the Astros fandom, at least all those who decided to care again for the time being.
Before the masses could reach the MMPUS with the torches, lynch rope, tar, and feathers though, Ed Wade flipped Gose to the Blue Jays for pudgy offensive, almost ready, okay if you have to go ahead and bring him up now, first baseman Brett Wallace. The kid with Earl Campbell thighs and lightning quick left handed bat made everyone stop in their tracks and question everything they thought holy and righteous in their world beliefs. Ed Wade made a great trade? Huh? Are you kidding me. That pretty much put the wheels in motion to find something, anything that could possibly be wrong with Brett Wallace, projected to be a better bat in the majors than take-the-mlb-world-by-storm Buster Posey. Other than the aforementioned thigh muscle mass, Wallace was deemed a first baseman with no elegance defensively. He was also derided for not walking to first base more, nevermind he runs to first pretty well on singles, doubles, and triples. Perhaps he can walk to first on his homerun trots to satisfy the fanta-geeks in all of us. Next came the coup-de-grassy knoll: the kid has now been traded four times.
*DING, DING, DING*
The world was safe again, Ed Wade is a GM with no appreciable skills to handle the job any better than… well… me! Oh, yeah, before we leave this report: Roy Oswalt failed to become the winningest pitcher in the history of the beloved Houston Astros, so if he plans to capture that record, then sometimes in the distance future maybe as a reliever he can come back to the Astros and bird-dog a win.