The (Brotherly) Love Boat: Astros @ Phillies Series Preview
When it first debuted, I was a huge fan of the show 30 Rock. Great cast, great writing, great chemistry between the leads. Somewhere along the line, it started to get a bit lazy, though. It still has the ability to absolutely nail jokes here and there, but it’s not razor-sharp like it used to be. (Trust me, this is going somewhere.)
One huge reason for this decline is the almost sadistic way that the ostensible lead character, Liz Lemon, is treated. The girl never gets a break any more, and it’s getting to be unfunny and cruel. But the real issue, and one that other shows (the Love Boat being the chief example) have fallen prey to, is an over-reliance on guest stars. It’s great that Matt Damon, Julianne Moore and Salma Hayek’s Rack are willing to take time to do some network tv, in spite of their busy schedules, but you never expect them to appear in multiple episodes, thereby robbing their appearances of any emotional depth. You don’t expect Jack Donnaghy to really stay with Moore’s character, because that would require her to take the gig full time.
That’s kind of how I feel watching the Astros at this point in the season. There are a lot of guest stars, and it’s hard to get enthused about them when you know that their time is short. I’m not talking about Wallace and Melancon and St. Angel Sanchez as much as Nelson Figueroa and Anderson Fernandez; these guys are only around to provide trivia answers for Wild Dog. But if the overarching theme of this season is transition and turnover, these kind of temps are of course necessary. I’m just looking forward to next spring so that we can start arguing about the 5th outfielder again.
Monday, August 23rd, 6:05 CT
Horrible Fanbase Park
Brett Myers (8-7, 3.11) v. Joe Blanton (5-6, 5.54)
Myers makes his return to The City of Misleading City Nicknames to face his old teammates. As such, none of them have really faced him, except some blowjob named Brian Schneider. And I literally just now heard of him.
Blanton’s having an off year, so it’s prime time to beat up on him. Fortunately, the erstwhile heart of the lineup (Pence and Lee) are both hitting more than .400 off him, including a dinger for Gunther.
Tuesday, August 24th, 6:05 CT
Projectile Vomit Stadium
Bud Norris (6-7, 5.23) v. Cole Hamels (7-10, 3.51)
Studly Budly is turning in a fine second half, and looks to keep up the momentum against a team that, unlike the 14K Pirates, spends revenue on payroll. Jimmy Rollins, Raul Ibanez, and Chase Utley all hit him well, but it’s fully possible that they could all get hurt simultaneously before the 4th inning. So there’s that.
Hamels ain’t exactly an ace like he was expected to be, but he’s still pretty strong, even in a down season. Also, his BR page is sponsored by the Hoo Haa Blog, and the quote is “Keep pounding the outside corner.” Um, yeah. He’s dominated the Astros in the past, but Bourn’s .333 BA against might be a good place to start a recovery at the plate for the slumping SBB.
Wednesday, August 25th, 6:05 CT
J.A. Happ (2-2, 4.62) v. Roy Halladay (12-6, 2.16)
The Roy we didn’t want to face against the kiddo we got back for him. Naturally, Happ hasn’t faced the Fightin’s any more than Myers has. Halladay has faced Carlos 25 times, and Caballo punished him with a 1.099 OPS and three homers for his trouble.
Also, I’m still getting used to calling Happ “Jay”. My brain still wants me to drag out the “A” sound as some sort of nod to his second initial. Jaaaaaay.
Thursday, August 26th, 12:05 CT
Wandy Rodriguez (9-12, 4.00) v. Kyle Kendrick (8-6, 4.58)
Wandy is in fine late season form, as usual. He’s facing a lineup that hits him well historically. Brian Fucking Schneider is .571 against him. Really. Rollins and Werth hit him well, too.
Kendrick hasn’t faced many current Astros (who has?), but Bourn hits him remarkably well, a Schneiderian .571 in fact. Anderson Fernandez has even hit a dinger off of him, so that’s hopeful, right?
Phillies:
Jamie Moyer: OLD JOKE OLD JOKE OLD JOKE OLD JOKE. There, that should do it.
Astros:
Alberto Arias: Contemplating becoming a costumed vigilante. Mostly because he already has an alliterative name.
Geoff Blum: aching neck, day to day
Jeff Keppinger: Making the 15-Day DL his double bitch.
Matt Lindstrom: 15-Day DL with a case of the Lidge’s.
Brian Moehler: Most horrific groin this side of Paris Hilton.
Felipe Paulino: Rotator cuff healing, about to tag-team slap his knee, preventing him from ever coming off the DL.
What To Watch For:
Fuck You, Too: The Return of Myers and Happ
Astros @ Florida Summer’s Almost Over…
Just in time for back to school, the Astros hop on a plane and fly to the Sunshine State for the last trip to the beach of the 2010 season. Time for last minute sunburns that you hope will ripen into a golden brown tan that doesn’t fade until Spring. Or you can just treat yourself to a trip to Puerto Rico, and come back to make us all jealous with your bronzed glow…but that is another story.
Friday, August 20 6:10 p.m. Saturday, August 21, 6:10 p.m. Sunday, August 22, 12:10 p.m.Probable Pitching Matchups
Friday’s game features Happ vs Sanchez. No not that Sanchez, the one with the girl name, Anniebelle. Sanchez is 3-4 in his last 10 starts, giving up 23 runs over 60.1 innings in that stretch. Manzella (just off the DL) and Bourn both hit .550 against him in limited ABs. Happ needs to be on for the Marlins, they are 23-12 vs. southpaws for the season. Paulino hits .400 vs Happ and Cody Ross is the only Marlin to have hit a homer off him.
On Saturday, the Astros send another lefty up against the Fish. Wandy has not had a decision in his last 3 starts, despite allowing only three earned runs in 20 1/3 innings. He’s 6-1 with a 1.74 ERA in his last 10 starts. Wandy should be on guard against Ross (.375), Ramirez (.455) and Paulino (.500). He faces Chris Volstad, who is 2-1 since a 3 game stint in the minors earlier this year. Don’t know why, but he reminds me of some country hick from Vidor.
The series finale the Mud and Blood send up Figueroa to make his second start of the season. Current Marlins are 1-13 against him, the only hit a single by Hanley Ramirez. His mound opponent will be Ricky Nolasco. Pence likes him some Nolasco-his 3 hits off him have all been of the out of the park variety.
And just like that–Ronny Paulino gets himself a 50 game sit on the bench for a positive test for a banned substance. You are out for the season you dumbshit.
Ploys to get AIS
Friday–Billy Bingo!!! The first 10,000 fans will get a Billy Bingo card and 2,500 will win a Marlins Player Jersey. 2500?? Won’t that be almost every one in the stadium??
Saturday–Post-game concert featuring Tito El Bambino & Zion y Lennox. Oh, and this clapper thingy.
Sunday–It is Billy the Marlin’s Birthday. So you get this lunchbag. Does it come with fresh fish?
Injuries
The Astros have a few new additions to the DL: Keppinger and Lindstrom. Otherwise you know the drill: Arias, Paulino, and Moehler.
The Fish will be without the aforementioned Paulino, plus these poor fellows: Baker, Coughlan, Marinez, West, andPoveda. Sucks for them.
Weather
Saturday ain’t no different. Sunday neither.
Apologies for the lack of hate
Been pretty swamped at work. So rather than spend time trying to write something witty, I just decided to link to some bikini shots. It is Florida, after all.
Myers did it again!
Mets 3, Astros 2
W: Elmer Dessens, L: Gustavo Chacin, S: Manny Acosta
Brett Myers kept his streak of going 6+ innings in each start going tonight. He pitched himself into trouble then out of it. The guy a tough competitor. I’m glad he’ll be an Astro for a couple more years.
The game was moving along at a pretty fast pace, since there was very little scoring. A 14 ining game that only lasted 4 hours and 18 minutes. I remember games with Tim Redding pitching that took as long.
There were only 5 runs on 22 hits combined on the night. Both pitching staffs did a pretty good job. The Astros were behind going into the bottom of the 9th but Mr. Geoff Blum hit his second homerun of the year to tie the game. An additional 5 innings were needed before another run would cross the plate.
Top of the 14th Chacin pitching for the Astros, the pesky Jose Reyes, led off with a walk, was moved over by a bunt from Angel Pagan, Mike Hessman walks, Reyes stole 3rd, Carlos Beltran intentionally walked, Ike Davis hits a sacrifice fly to right to score Reyes. Chacin then intentionally walks Jeff Francouer to load the bases again, and strikes out Tohlie (not Towlie) for the final out. All those Mets come to bat and luckily only score one run.
But that one run was more than enough, the Astros went 1-2-3 in the bottom to end the game.
The good guys really couldn’t get anything going against R. A. Dickey. Then again, it didn’t seem like they could get anything going against any Met pitcher. Bobby Parnell showed a bit of heat on his fastball. The radad showed 102 as his fastest, I’d like to say it was a home gun but they weren’t at home. Imagine how fast he can toss the ball at his home park.
I have to admit, I was out of town for about a week and did not pay any attention to the Astros while I was gone. I didn’t pay attention to anything since where I was staying had no television or internet. But who needs that when you have to just walk outside to a beach. Water clear all the way from your shoulder to your toes. I have to say, Puerto Rico is a nice place to find some great beaches.
And the Astros are now on a 3-game Wednesday losing streak. They need to cut that out. I prefer to write winning recaps. Good day to you all. And Go Astros!!!
Mets at Astros: I See Your Schwartz is as Big as Mine
If you ignore the Pirates, and why wouldn’t you as they have been mathematically eliminated from major league baseball, the Mets and the Astros sport the two most anaemic offenses in the National League. Between them they are last and second-to-last in batting average, runs scored, hits, RBI, on-base percentage and slugging. That stinks worse than…New Jersey!Read More
Pirates @ Astros, 8/13 – 8/15/10 — A Ratings Nightmare
Contributed by Ebby Calvin
I am deeply sorry to report that Mark will not be here for this Pirates Preview. Instead, you get me. The guy who knows nothing about baseball. The guy who’s been out of town since before Oswalt was traded and hasn’t watched a live Astros game since. The guy who talks about himself in the 3rd person. Yup, me.
And now that my journalistic obligation to include myself in a story has been fulfilled (for now), I’ll move onto the games.
Surprisingly, ESPN hasn’t picked up any of this weekend’s slugfest between the 4th- and 6th-place teams in the NL Central. Understandable, but the end of this season holds more for Astros fans to watch than in years past. Despite the standings, it’s meaningful baseball. The trade deadline dust has settled, each new player has checked in at the Astros Greyhound Station for their minor league assignments, while Castro and the Walrus get their feet wet. It’s time to see the fruits of Wade/Heck’s labor, and it’s time to see if the Astros are better at rebuilding (refreshing, whatever) than the Pirates seem to be.
Minute Maid Park
Friday, August 13, 7:05pm CST
Saturday, August 14, 6:05pm CST
Sunday, August 15, 1:05pm CST
Thank goodness the games start 5 minutes after the hour. Getting to the park by 7pm is nigh impossible, but 7:05, that’s a different story.
Friday the first 10,000 fans get an HEB umbrella. A terrible idea. Fireworks after the game.
Saturday is Young Professionals Night, sponsored by Budweiser. Know thy audience, Budweiser.
The first 10,000 kids 14 and under on Sunday get a Chest Protector Backpack, which will thwart back-end projectiles (NTTAWWT) from the bullies at school who wouldn’t be caught dead wearing one.
Friday
Russ Ohlendorf (1-9, 4.23) vs. Brett Myers (8-7, 3.21)
Ohlendorf is a tall righty who was born in Austin and played college ball at Princeton. He has a 7.57 ERA in 27.1 IP against the Astros over the last three years and an 8.03 ERA at MMPUS. Beaker (.375, 1 HR) and Bourn (.286, 3 RBI) hit him well, and the Man Who is So Good He Could Only be Named Angel has 2 hits in 4 ABs against him. Ohlendorf doesn’t throw weak-ass shit to Keppinger, who is 1/14 against him. Blummer (.286) and Carlos (.250, 1 HR) hit him pretty well, too.
No current Pirate has a HR off of Myers, but The Current and Future Anchor of the Staff would do well to avoid the Milledge Idiot, who has hit him for .300 with 4 RBIs over 20 ABs. Andy TheRoach is a perfect 3/3 against him.
Saturday
Paul Maholm (7-10, 4.90) vs. Nelson Figueroa (3-1, 3.38)
Maholm owns the Astros, and anybody who’s watched the team over his 5-year career knows that. Pence (.258, 1 HR, 6 RBI) and Q (.333, 1 RBI) hold their own against him, but everybody else sucks. Fortunately, St. Sanchez is 2/3 and has promised much smiting if the Astros fall behind early.
And they probably will. Figueroa makes his first start as an Astro after WW got sent down. The ‘Roots have limited experience against him, with 4 hits in 13 ABs as a squad.
Sunday
Jeff Karstens (2-8, 4.39) vs. Bud Norris (4-7, 5.63)
Karstens went to Tech, so we know he’s at least not very bright. Over the last three years he sports a 5.60 ERA and a .318 BAA vs. the Good Guys. Pence, again, hits him the most – .429, 1 HR. Everybody else has marginal success. Feliz sucks, but we already knew that.
Norris is coming off a nice start (despite the 4 ER), and has one career start vs. the Pirates (6 IP, 1 ER, W). But the current lineup hits .378 in 37 ABs, so something will have to break.
Injury Report
Pittsburgh
Chris Jakubauskas hit the 60-day DL after spelling his name for the 10,000th time.
Jose Ascaino is on a Class A rehab stint, which probably looks an awful lot like the current Pirates roster.
Steve Pearce is entirely boring and is out for the season. As if anybody noticed or cared.
Houston
Lindstrom (back) is questionable for Friday’s game.
Manzella is rehabbing in Round Rock, where he’s secretly plotting to take a tire iron to Angel Sanchez’s knees. Little does he know that even tire irons fear Angel Sanchez.
Moehler is hurt in his swimsuit area, still deciding what to do.
Paulino’s shoulder hurts.
Fuck Arias.
With Apologies to strosrays
“You ever ridden one of these things before, son?” he asked.
“Sure,” I lied.
And why not lie? How hard can it be to drive a Harley? I’d driven dirt bikes before in the back country of Missouri, surely an Oregon State Trooper’s Harley Davidson isn’t much different. I hopped on.
I was covering an Oregon Dept of Transportation (ODOT) motorcycle-safety training course for the Medford, OR CBS affiliate (slow news day), and I needed a cool angle for my standup. So I carefully set up the tripod, mount the camera, tether my wireless mic and press record. The idea was to drive around, start giving my reporter spiel and come to a complete stop within frame and in front of the camera. Didn’t happen that way.
After begrudgingly strapping on a helmet, I was ready to go. Got the beast humming, cranked the ignition to sound like a badass, then stalled it. One more time. “I must be rusty,” I said. Stalled again.
“Third time’s the charm!” Stalled.
Fuck. Here I am, dozens of cops around me, making a complete fool of myself. Plus the idiot who loaned me his chopper looks a bit more nervous than he did 10 minutes ago. I need to get this thing rolling NOW.
So I did. I somehow mastered the whole clutch phenomenon and the thing just took off. And I mean FAST. What power! What speed! I’m doing it! I’m moving fast in a straight line!
But I needed to be turning.
Alas, I didn’t turn. I froze, stupid grin on my face, and drove right off a three-foot embankment. I was thrown over the handlebars, through the plastic windshield and onto my head, finally landing on my back.
Once I realized what happened and made sure nothing hurt too badly, I opened my eyes. Directly above me, just like out of a fucking movie, was a circle of faces looking down at me. Except all of these faces belonged to cops. And they were pissed.
I feared the worst for the motorcycle, but happily it survived the tumble in one piece – only the breakaway windshield had to be snapped back into place. A couple of scratches, but nothing too noticeable. I made it out with a few cracked ribs, again, nothing too tragic.
Thankfully all of this was out of frame for my camera, which was rolling at the time. Not so thankfully, my rival station sent a reporter there who was also rolling at the time. Pointed straight at me. They ran the story that night. Fuckers.
And that’s how I successfully crashed a police motorcycle and got away with it.
This relates to Astros baseball because, um, well, you know, it doesn’t. strosrays I am not.
Astros 2-1