Get the Hell Out of Texas, You Scum
Houston 12, Hollywood Nancy Boys Nada
WP – Wandy
LP – June Cleaver’s Brother
Hokey smokes, Bullwinkle – who ARE these guys? Kicking it around and waving feebly the rest of the week, but on getaway day these new Astros are deadly. Don’t pack those bags early or you’ll get caught napping at the station, pal.
To be fair, these Astros who have had silent bats for the most of the last week, were facing some of the best pitching in The World, so it can be excused that they didn’t hit much. This 2012 model is doing a lot better at staying close, being in the game, and even though their margin for error is smaller than what they normally can deal with this team does appear to be making progress from 2011.
Kicking those godless bastards from Angeleno out of Texas was a fine way to spend a Sunday. The rivalry – that’s what a real rivalry was like – has waned since moving from the NL West but those bastards can never be forgiven for the past.
Is this the best damn 6-10 team in America? They’re even ahead of a few teams, and it has been a long time since we’ve been able to say that.
Fuck the Cubs.
Wandy was dominant today, only allowing three hits and three walks while striking out six in his seven innings. A laugher since going up 9-0 in the 4th, the relief crew of FeRod and Lyon closed out the already-surrendered visitors and Houston had it’s highest output of runs on the season and the largest margin of victory in almost five years.
Schafer had the big blow, a grand slam he golfed out in the second off of a wild and befuddled Billingsley, who was torched for nine overall in 3.1 innings of work.
Carlos drove in two, CJ had a pair of hits and Castro the Astro added a triple and single. All in all, a fine effort and a nice way to end a very tough week. Tomorrow they travel to the Malebolge to confront the thieves of fraudulence, malice and hypocrisy in their pit of despair. Read Dark Star’s fine preview and prepare yourself, then go to the Game Zone to giggle at the lamentations.
UNDER THE BIG BLACK SUN
Houston Astros (6-10) at Milwaukee Brewers (7-9)
The Piece Of Shit House That Bud Built
One Brewers Way
Milwaukee, WI 53214
“C’mon, it’s Czechoslovakia. We zip in, we pick ’em up, we zip right out again. We’re not going to Moscow. It’s Czechoslovakia. It’s like going into Wisconsin.”
“Well I got the shit kicked out of me in Wisconsin once. Forget it.”Read More
Tip the cap!
Sometimes, heck, even a fair amount of the time it is not how good or bad you play, it’s how good your opposition is playing. That’s when you know you just have to tip the cap and go get’em tomorrow. Of course, tonight was free replica jersey giveaway, so I don’t think doing a raising the shirt is in any way similar. Interesting, but not the same.
Tonight the local nine, wearing the sweet Colt 45 gear ran into one of the better teams in the league. The final score of 3-1 may seem like it was a close game and in many ways it was, but truth be told it really wasn’t. Not with the pitching the Dojers feature. I know that the just completed series with the Nats featured a good opponent, but there is just something different about this LA team. We will see where the Nats and Dojers will be come September, but if I were a betting man, I’d go with the Trolley Men right now. Call it a hunch.
Here is the bottomline: LA just has damn good pitching. ‘Nuff said, game over once you fall behind the team that features Matt Kemp, who is now making himself known around the league as perhaps the best player in the NL. Of course Joey Votto may have something to say about that, but yeah, Kemp is good. So good he wasted no time depositing a fastball by JA Happ in the Hunter’s Lodge area (or thereabouts) in the very first inning. Two runs up early, pitching and defense, and an add-on run a couple innings later. It was not going to be easy for the local kids and well, turned out to be just that way. Compete they did, but the cap tipping was warming up as early as the sixth inning on this one once the bullpen started to stretch their legs out in LF.
Let’s see what happens tomorrow against the ACE of the Trolley Dojer staff. Wow!
LA Dojers 3 | Pony Boy Colts 1
W: Lilly | L: Happ (who pitched well enough in other days to get a win, but not today)
Dodgers @ Astros Series Preview
I’m put together beautifully
Big wet bottle in my fist, big red rose in my teeth
I’m perfect piece of ass
Like every Californian
So tall I take over the street, with high-beams shining on my back
A wingspan unbelievable
I’m a festival, I’m a parade
The 10-3 Dodgers mosey into town after squeaking out a 4-3 win in Milwaukee and avoiding a sweep. That record is good for 1st in the NL and 2nd in MLB. They have the reigning NL Cy Young winner, the best OFer in MLB and a stable of young studs to back them up.
And all the whine is all for me.
I’m the King of Whine. The Prince of Pout. The Wizard of the Whimper. The motherfucking Grandmaster of Gripe. When you have two kids under the age of three, you’re around it a lot. And like a two-year-old who just shit his underoos, I can find something to bitch about in almost anything. But I don’t, or at least try not to. Because of Ted Knight.
There’s a movie quote that has followed me around for the majority of my life. At first, I thought it was funny – I even liked the attention it brought me. It was an easy ice-breaker for awkward introductions, kinda like – “Hey, I like that movie too!” But high school hit and it got old quick. “Ha ha, very clever. Never heard that before.” And college made it fucking unbearable. Seemed like every dude I met was a comedian. I even swore off the classic film for a few years.
But I couldn’t shake it. It was embedded in my soul. Six ordinary words tattooed across my face, staring back at me in all the world’s mirrors. Flipping channels at night – that scene was on. Reading RB’s Nationals Preview this week – it’s there.
Because when your last name is Spalding, “You’ll get nothing and like it!” is inevitable. Death, taxes and Judge Smails. But Caddyshack taught me well – I like this Astros team, and they haven’t given me shit.
And I’m not whining.
Friday, 4/20
Lilly (1-0, 0.00) vs J.A. Happ (1-0, 3.75)
Lilly started the season on the DL and went seven scoreless in his return. He’s 7-3 with a 2.64 era in 15 career starts vs. Houston.
Happ has been better than expected so far this year, with a 13:5 K/BB ratio and two quality starts under his belt. Should’ve won his last game.
Saturday, 4/21
Kershaw (0-0, 2.35) vs Weiland (0-2, 8.44)
The reigning NL Cy Young winner has allowed just four earned runs in his three starts this year – three of them in his last game.
Weiland follows up his Strasburg start with another stud opponent, and will still be looking for his first MLB win after this game.
Sunday 4/22
TBD (0-0, 0.00) vs Wandy (0-2, 1.96)
On paper, TBD is every bit as good as Ted Lilly this year, but with less run support. I still think he’s a cocksucker.
Wandy hopes 6 unearned runs will be good enough for the win this go-around.
Promotions
Friday 4/20
First 10,000 fans get to play “I Spy a Bloodshot Eye” and beat up hippies. They also get replica Colt .45s jerseys, but the hippie bashing is the real draw. Also, fireworks.
Saturday 4/21
First 10,000 fans get a green Astros hat to remind them that our colors are Red & Black and used to be Navy & Orange. I don’t really understand it, but maybe GBB has an explanation.
Sunday 4/22
First 10,000 fans get a Methodist Hospital grocery bag for some reason. Next week is H-E-B Catheters. Also, $1 Ice Cream Cones for any leftover hippies.
Injuries
Dodgers:
Todd Coffey wasn’t held enough as a child.
Ivan De Jesus was held too much.
Rubby De La Rosa’s parents gave him a funny name.
Blake Hawksworth was raised by predatory birds.
Juan Uribe has a sore wrist from the obligatory masturbation joke.
Astros:
Sergio Escalona is Alberto Arias.
What to Watch For
Friday’s sixth-inning Hippie Race, in which three contestants chase a turtle coated in Cheetos crumbs. I’m betting on the turtle.
Brad Mills and I got together yesterday to come up with a motivation strategy – something to lighten the mood after tough losses. Something that will draw the team together and give them a common enemy. He’s presenting this to the team before Friday’s game in the clubhouse, but I thought I’d give you guys a sneak preview.
For every Astros loss, a piece gets peeled away. I’ll update the picture when the season ends.
Finally, if you were hoping for something – anything – baseball related from this Preview, you clearly skipped the part at the top that says “Posted by Ebby Calvin.”
Follow the action in the GameZone.
Did you see that one??
Astros 3, Nationals 6
W: Strasburg; L: Weiland
Well, I must confess I did not watch this game. I would have liked to watch it but sometimes things are beyond my control. It seems by looking at the recap at astros.com things were going okay until the 6th inning. It really doesn’t matter because the Astros are supposed to lose anyway.
I am getting a tad bit concerned that each game I watch, with the exception of this one, the Astros seem to lose. Could it be my fault? Could I have any influence on the outcome of a Major League Baseball game? I’d like to believe I have influence on something, but I do not believe any influence I have has anything to do with the outcome of a baseball game. Because, if I did have that kind of influence the Astros would have done much better the last decade than they have.
I know this recap sucks and I wish it were better, but what can I say, I didn’t see the game.
Here’s to better results the rest of the series. And check out Ron’s preview, it is chock full of information that will make your life better.