Minute Maid Park

After a split (that could’ve been a 2 game sweep, Thanks Gerry Coop) with the Fuck the Cubs, the Astros cruise home to play the Wrigley North temporary residents, the Brew crew. The Good Guys have been on a decent hot streak recently with a 3 game sweep of the Padres, 2 out of 3 from the Rocks, and the above mentioned split with the FTCs. This series should be a good test to see if this upswing is fo’real, or just a pale mockery of the first few months of the Reds’ season.

Tuesday, May 19, 7:05p.m. FSN-HD

Wednesday, May 20, 7:05p.m.

FSN-HD Thursday, May 20, 7:05p.m.FSN-HD

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Tuesday Dave Bush (2-0, 3.83) v Mike Hampton (2-3, 5.31)

Bush has started off the season pretty strong, despite an early relief appearance in which he gave up 2 earned runs in just one inning. Since then, he’s started 7 games and gone 6 innings in them all, while allowing 3 or less earned runs all but once. The Good Guys do decently against Mr. Bush, with Hunter Pence and Geoff Blum (5-11 each, Blum with a homer) leading the charge. Twinkie (11-32, no homers but 4 doubles) smacks him around pretty good, Michael Bourn (2-5) has had some success in a small sample size, and Miggy (6-20)hits him okay too. Kabong (4-18), and Kepp (3-12) hit Dave decently, and the rest of the team pretty much sucks on ice against him.

After a great first month of the season numbers wise, Mike Hampton has struggled pretty badly in May. His ERA has ballooned from 3.86 on April 25th all the way up to 5.31 now, and the only win he’s has in 3 starts this month was in a shootout with the Rockies, playing just south of outer space. That being said, Hampton has been suffering mostly from one bad inning/pitch, giving up a home run as he tires in the 5th or 6th inning. I’m of the opinion that, if he can keep his composure about him, he’ll bounce back fine now that we’re playing closer to sea level.

Now on to the bad news: The Brewers absolutely tee off on Hampy. They sport a team average of .322 in 118 at bats. The biggest threats are Bill “Generic Nickname for a Generic Name” Hall (3-7 with a dinger), Ryan “Fucknose” Braun (3-3, all singles), Mike “Q-Killer” Cameron (10-33, double, triple, yacker), and Jason “How the hell am I still an effective Major League Baseball Player” Kendall (14-39). Prince Fielder only has 1 hit in 3 at bats, but it was a solo homer. The rest of the team either has a tiny sample size or hasn’t done shit against Hampy.

Wednesday Yovani Gallardo (4-1, 3.09) v Wandy Rodriguez (4-1, 1.90)

Yovani has a funny name, but that’s just about the only thing funny about him. He’s been pretty damn consistent so far this year, only giving up more than 3 runs in a start once in 7 tries. The Astros collectively hit .262 against Gallardo in 61 at bats, with only a few guys carrying the load. Kaz Matsui (3-7), El Kabong (3-9, 1 Kabong), and Michael Bourn (2-3) are the only guys with gaudy numbers against the Yoyo, and the rest of the Stros are below average at best. Puma and Pence are both 2 for 10 against him, and all 4 of those hits were singles and didn’t drive in any runs. It only gets worse from there. I’ll spare you the details.

Wandy gets the nod for the Good Guys tonight, and oh what a start he’s off to. In his two losses he gave up 3 runs in 6 innings and 1 run through 6 innings, so you can’t fault him for either of the “L”s he’s taken. Also, he’s struck out 48 and only walked 15. All around, he’s been pretty awesome so far. In 37 at bats, the Brew Crew hits .280 off of Wandy, with Corey Hart (10-23) and JJ Hardy (5-17, 2 bombs) doing most of the damage. Does anyone know a cool guy named JJ? All I can think of is JJ Hardy, who I don’t care much for and JJ Abrams, who is so obsessed with lens flare that it makes want to punch baby penguins every time I watch one of his movies.

On a semi-related note, anyone know where I can find a baby penguin in the Greater Austin Metroplex? I’m supposed to go see Star Trek again later this week.

Thursday Jeff Suppan (3-3, 4.63) v Roy Oswalt (1-2, 4.50)

Jeff Suppan is what he is. And that’s an inning eater that will give you the occasional good start and the occasional stinker. Take his last start for example: 6 innings, 6 hits, no runs, 2 walks, 2 strikeouts, and 18! ground balls. Then, take the start just before that one against the FTCubs: 5.2 innings, 8 hits, 4 runs, 3 of them earned, 2 walks, 3 strikeouts, 13 ground balls. Despite his middle-of-the-roadness, he’s pitched for 3 of the Astros’ NL Central Rivals, so I fucking hate him. The Astros have seen plenty of Jeff Suppan, and sport a team .292 average in 264 at bats. Geoff Blum (14-26,2 homers) wears Suppy out, Fat Elvis (14-34, 3 homers) mashes him , Pudge (6-17) knocks him around some, and Miggy (8-29, 11 RBIs but no homers) hits him pretty decent too. Carlos Lee struggles against him in the average department at .239 (16-67), but has hit 3 homers and 12 RBIs off him to make it more interesting. Everyone else pretty much sucks hind tit.

Roy Oswalt… Well, it’s Roy. I don’t have much to say I haven’t said 1000 times before. He just needs to read this thread and go from there. The Brewers are better than average against RoyO, but that isn’t saying much since average is pretty low. They sport a team batting average of .275 in 229 at bats with Corey Hart (6-13, 1 homer), Jason FUCKING Kendall (Man I hate this guy 16-41), Ryan Braun (3-8, with 2 homers), and Bill Hall (14-41, 1 homer) leading the charge.

Notable Giveaways This Series

Tuesday is Double Play Tuesday, which as far as I can tell, means that you get to pitch to Miggy and Kabong with a runner on first.

Wednesday they’re giving away Etched Crystal Minute Maid Park replicas to the first 10,000 fans that are drinking their 7 dollar beers with their pinkies in the air. Somebody get Bizidy on the horn, STAT!

Thursday is Price Matters day, which I can only assume is about Tampa Bay Pitcher David Price. Don’t get me wrong, being one of only 4 players to ever win a World Series Game before winning a regular season game is impressive and all, but couldn’t we at least honor an Astro or something? Or maybe a Raup Appreciation day. I’m out there fighting the good fight, roasting Clarks and calling people idiots so you can sit on your lazy ass and read this board. Where’s MY day Drayton?!

Combined Injury Reports

Brewers

David Riske is on the 15 day DL with tightness in his right elbow. He’s due back at the end of May, allegedly.

Rickie Weeks managed to tear the sheath in his wrist while swinging and missing. How shitty is that?

“So, Grandpa Ricky, how did you destroy your wrist and ruin what was shaping up to be an amazing season for you and the Brewers?”

“Well, sonny, I was facing slop-jar-full-of-nuts Todd Wellemeyer, and I swung and missed at strike three and my wrist imploded.”

“Wow grandpa, that story sucks.”

“Yeah it does, sonny. Yeah it does.”

Astros

Brandon Backe still has a strained beach muscle. He’s been rehabbing for about 3 years now, and Cooper/Wade/Pam are still trying to decide if they should just leave him in Corpus to “rehab” for the rest of his career or if they should call him up and take over pinch hitting duties for Jason Smith.

Aaron Boone is still shot through the heart, and you’re too blame.

Doug Brocail tore a tendon off the bone in his hamstring. I’ll repeat for emphasis: HE TORE A FUCKING TENDON IN HIS HAMSTRING OFF HIS FUCKING LEG BONE! He’s due back around late June, hopefully.

Geoff Geary is on the DL for general suckitude, which is listed politely as “right biceps tendonitis”. I apparently had that injury my entire pitching career.

El Papa Grande is still out with a strained calf. Now, I’ve strained my calf before, but I can assure you I never had to drain any fluid out of it afterwords, so I’d say this injury is a lot more serious than than the name implies… Then again, Valverde strained his closing a Major League baseball game, I strained mine getting off the couch to go grab another beer. So maybe it’s just a big league calf strain. He started throwing again last week, and is hoped to return in early June. That far off F-bomb you just heard was Latroy Hawkins also reading this news.

Our Interesting Things to Look For

• Much wailing and gnashing of teeth by John B. Brewerfan (the B is for bratwurst) about the loss of Rickie Weeks. My take? If he didn’t want to be so injury prone, he’d drop that wussified “ie” at the end of his name and just go with “y”. I can’t think of a single Rickie that has done a damn thing I care about in my life. But I can think of tons of Rickys that I appreciate: Ricky Ricardo, Ricky Williams, Ricky Martin… uh, anyway… Moving right along…

• It really is a struggle for me to dislike the Brewers (except for Jason Kendall and Ryan Braun, FUCK those guys). But, the more they’re in contention, the easier the hate flows. Nobody will ever top the Cubs in my Baseball Hatred List (patent pending), but the Brewers and their annoying habit of being not-terrible lately are starting register. The Pirates, on the other hand, love ’em! And, I bet you didn’t even know this, but Chad Duffy, former Pittsburg Pirate and all around speed merchant, is on the Brew Crew roster.

• Over/Under on the amount of snacks that Prince Fielder bums off Berkman in this 3 game series starts at 15.

Discuss today’s game in the GameZone, but if you see FiLoE make a stupid comment, let it slide. I’ll take care of it as soon as I get back from the computer.

Oh, and one more thing: Lets Go Red Wings!