I Shot JR, Bitch: Rangers @ Astros Preview

Posted on May 22, 2009 by GreatBagwellsBeard in Series Previews

Whores one and all

So the Astros are playing host to the Rangers this weekend, and since Dallas always shows such great hospitality (cough), it’s high time that we hospitalized them. While none of the particular players on the current Rangers team inspire much hatred, the Metroplex itself is more than worthy of every chunk of shit we can lob its way. Without further ado, let the hate begin!

As has been mentioned ad infinitum, people from Dallas are pretentious, status-obsessed assholes with enormous egos. And that’s when you compare them to the residents of Tanglewood.
The freeway system in the Metroplex is among the worst in the civilized world. Not so much because of the traffic, but for sheer incomprehensibility. While a map of Houston’s freeways looks like a slightly off-kilter compass, with an axis for every suburb, DFW thoroughfares meander, change from freeways to surface streets and back, all while following routes that can only leave you with the impression that the civil engineer who laid out the master plan had a rather impressive weed habit.
Dallas has a virtual monopoly on loathsome sports franchise owners. Mark Cuban AND Jerry Jones in the same city? Meanwhile, Tom Hicks is (allegedly) close to being forced to sell the Rangers after losing his shirt in this recession thing. With any luck, Al Davis or Peter Angelos will come calling and complete the trifecta.
As much as everyone rags on Tony LaRussa (rightly so) for having blinders on in both Oakland and St. Louis about steroids, the late 90’s Rangers teams look like a pharmacist’s wet dream: Juan Gone, Canseco, Pudge…shit. Nevermind.
Dallas in the final frontier of Tex-Mex; anywhere north of I-20, the salsa becomes suspect, the queso becomes Velveeta, and margaritas on the rocks are unheard of. Ergo, Dallas is the end of civilization.
The fucking Cowboys. Why does this matter in our discussion of the Rangers? Because the Rangers have been and forever will be third-class citizens in DFW, behind the Cowboys and wearing pearls to go to H-E-B. Just once, I want the Rangers to make a deep run in the playoffs, so that we can see a completely empty Ballpark for a crucial Sunday game, while everyone is at home screaming at Tony Romo.
They stole Nolan Ryan. Fuckers.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Now, if you’re an Astros fan in exile in north Texas, take hope. Blink us a message in Morse Code, like hostages do on those grainy videotapes, and let us know how you’re doing. With all the overblown talk of seccession by Governor Goodhair, I think there may be an opportunity for us here: let the Metroplex carve itself out of Texas, and give them to Colorado so everyone can be closer to their ski lodge anyway. Far fetched? It works for Lethoso and the Vatican.

Projected Starters from Astros.com

Friday, May 22nd, 7:05pm

Derek Holland (1-1, 4.85) v. Felipe Paulino (1-3, 6.93)

Holland is one of the Rangers’ highly-touted pitching prospects (or at least one of the ones that they didn’t give up to get Josh Hamilton), and after tearing up their minor league system en route to an 13-1 record in 2008, his promotion to the Bigs was written on the wall. After appearing in 7 games as a reliever, he gets the start for the first time this year on Friday. He obviously hasn’t faced any Astros hitters yet, so we’re faced with one of two likely scenarios: either we chase the guy in the early innings after jumping all over him, or he dominates us and forces SportsCenter to run clips from the fucking Kerry Wood game again.

Paulino is pencilled in as the starter today, but it’s possible that Coop made a mistake and actually wants Fulchino to start. If this is the case, the official rules state that Cooper must actually leave the dugout and prostrate himself in front of the pitchers mound, bowing in the direction of Earl Weaver’s tomb (in which Earl is currently spinning) until the correct pitcher arrives. (ed. It has recently come to our attention that Earl Weaver is actually alive, and is fucking livid at our insinuation of his demise. He sent his message through his former Boy Scout troop leader, Jim Raup.) Felipe has shown flashes of brillance when starting, including the ability to work himself out of jams and overpower hitters with his heater. Working out of the bullpen, not so much. So while Brandon Backe continues to soak up some tasty waves on his Rehab That Will Not End, Paulino gets the chance to strut his stuff in the rotation. He’s looking forward to bouncing back from a rough outing in Denver where he surrendered seven earned runs in just four innings. Like Holland, Paulino hasn’t ever played against his intra-state, inter-league, cross-cultural rivals, which makes this whole exercise kinda pointless. Moving on…

Saturday, May 23rd, 3:10pm

Scott Feldman (2-0, 4.04) v. Brian Moehler (1-2, 7.71)

Corey’s more successful brother has started one game against the Astros in the past; he gave up 2 runs in four innings and didn’t get a decision. Those two runs were the result of a two-run homer by none other than Michael Bourn, who’s really, really due for a nickname that doesn’t involve Matt Damon. In 2009, Feldman has put together a string of successful outings, and the Rangers are 4-1 in games he’s started.

Moehler has had two consecutive strong outings, including a win over the FTCubs in Chicago. He’s seems to be rounding into over-acheiver mode again, which would be just the boost that the back of the rotation could use, not to mention the over-taxed ‘pen. Against the Rangers in his career, he’s dominated Josh Hamilton (who has yet to get a hit on him), Andruw Jones (.231, $100 million), and Marlon Byrd (.125); on the flipside, he’s been hit well by Omar Visquel (.440), Hank Blalock (.667), and Ian Kinsler (.400). Maybe Moehler will jump on the Plunk Kinsler 2009 sensation that’s been sweeping the nation, because the bastard has obviously done something to deserve the pincushion treatment, right?

Sunday, May 24th, 1:05PM

Brandon McCarthy (3-2, 5.60) v. Mike Hampton (2-3, 5.23)

McCarthy is a tall righty who came up in the White Sox organization before being shipped down to Dallas in another floundering attempt to pretend that they cared about pitching. He’s started against the Astros once, taking a win in a 14-1 blowout, but has also taken an extra-innings loss, giving him a 1-1 record lifetime. Miggy pretty well owns him, having homered both times he’s faced McCarthy, and Pudge (.600), Pence (.667) and Q (.500) have had success as well. Otherwise, he’s shut down Puma and Caballo, both of whom are looking for their first hit against him.

Hampton’s owie has apparently healed, so he’s scheduled to start on Sunday. As a precautionary measure, he’s not washing his hands between now and then, making himself Public Enemy #1 of moms who are scared of swine flu. Among current Rangers, only Michael Young (.667, 1 HR) has had anything to brag about. Andruw Jones (.243, $150 million) and Hank Blalock (.000) have particularly bitched out. If the cut from Wrigley’s razor-sharp soap dispensers is healed, then Hampton will only have to worry about keeping the ball in the park, which he was struggling to do before a Decepticon took the form of a shower appliance.

Notable Promotions

This being the Lone Star Series and all that good stuff, they’re pulling out all the stops this weekend: caps! t-shirts! fireworks! Reckless Kelly! Okay, Reckless Kelly (who plays after Saturday’s game) is pretty cool.

Injury Report

Astros:

Coop – Massive head wound, hopefully day-to-day before given his walking papers.

Brandon Backe – cursed to wander the earth for all eternity until a spot in the rotation opens up.

Aaron Boone – roadie for Heart

Doug Brocail – regretting cutting off goatee

Geoff Geary – bicep tendinits. There’s nothing funny about bicep tendinitis. It’s not that it’s super-serious, either, just no jokes to be made. Sorry.

Papa Grande – Sword fighting the Black Knight

Rangers:

Joaquin Benoit – obscurity

Willie Eyre – auditioning to become a John Steinbeck character

Frank Fransisco – film noir private dick, done in by femme fatale

Eric Hurley – on the run for furniture store arson

Dustin Nippert – hehehehe…his last name sounds like “nipples”. Strained nipple.

Things To Watch For:

More Cowboys gear than Rangers

Angry, anthropomorphic soap dispensers

Flaming sofa debris from EYE-fortyfivenorthatTidwellanparker

Geoff Blum showing Coop how to tie his shoes

Talk about the games in the Game Zone!

astros, dallas sucks, rangers

Pen frustrates in finale

Posted on May 22, 2009 by Ty in Tampa in Game Recaps

Thursday, May 22, 2009

Brewers 4
Astros 3

W: McClung (1-1) | L: Fulchino (0-1) | S: Hoffman (11)

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Tonight’s test was a frustrating one. Roy gave up 10 hits, the most since late last season but held a 3-1 lead when he handed over his 1st-and-2nd-1-out jam in the 7th to Jeff Fulchino. Roy had gotten out of his own trouble all night, surviving 2 bases-loaded-1-out innings allowing only 1 run. Fulchino plunked Braun, then Byrdak gave up a 2-run double to Fielder, then Sampson gave up an RBI double to Hart. The Astros ended up dropping the series finale with the Brewers, 4-3.

The real highlights of this game though were the 4 SnSers behind the plate. I couldn’t pass up the chance to weave them into this recap. Let’s go!

No sign of the guys at the 1st pitch.

They missed Penis Face Dick Nose's 2-out triple but were there in time to see Lard Ass K.

The Good Guys got on the board in the 2nd with a single by Lee and the a bomb by PENCE!!! against the wall in center. They added another in the 4th on Miggy’s solo tater against the left center field wall.

One of Roy’s jams was in the 5th when he gave up a lead-off double that was erased on a FC, then 2 singles to load ’em with one out. Roy got the ground ball to Blum who got it to Kepp in time for the out at 2nd but the throw to 1st was too late and the run scored. 3-1 Astros.

The bottom of the inning was wild. With 2 out, Twinkie singled and Lee walked. PENCE!!! then singled to left and Lance raced around 3rd and reached home as Kendall gloved the ball. Lance slid south of the plate and appeared to get his hand down on the only open spot of the plate before Kendall made the tag. Let’s see what our guys think:

The call....?

SAFE!!!

Nope. Delfin Colon saw it differently. You tell me. Who has the better angle?

Lance went uncharacteristically apeshit and Colon wasted no time in tossing him, and then when some old guy who kind of looked like a manager came out and started yelling, he got tossed too.

I explained how the game got away up top. It sucked. But I did want to leave you with this moment of zen:

"Man, look at that guy behind home plate..." -JD

The One in Which Cooper Finally Evolves Into Self-Parody

Posted on May 21, 2009 by JackAstro in Game Recaps

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Astros 6
Brewers 4

W: Wandy (5-2) | L: Gallardo (4-2) | S: Sampson (2)
HR: Tejada (3), Cameron (8)

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Last night was Mrs. JackAstro’s birthday, which we celebrated in fine fashion by managing a gaggle of screaming children at Freddie’s Place, sipping Crutches and exchanging pleasantries with the assembled crowd. (There was even a gentleman in a Cards hat with my photo on his t-shirt for some reason.) A good time was had by all. I was able to join the game in the sixth inning, thus sparing myself from having to witness first-hand the point where Cooper went from being a managerial curiosity of poor decision-making (and even worse communication) to what I can only assume is high performance art, shades of Andy Kaufman in his prime.

Let’s get this out of the way

I don’t want to completely overshadow the continued excellent work of Wandy Rodriguez, so let’s give him his due now, before we fire up the calliope and bring in the clown car. Wandy picked up his fifth win, giving up just one run over seven strong innings. In the 4th, he allowed a solo shot to Mike Cameron, just to see what it felt like – it was his first home run allowed this season. In the 6th, he drove in a run to balance things out, because it felt like the right thing to do. It was. Once, he changed his name and age for a few years, simply because he felt like it. Eny Cabreja is… The Most Interesting Pitcher in the World. Stay healthy, my friend.

There was offense, too

The middle of the order was lively last night, with the three- through six-hole driving in the five runs that Wandy didn’t feel like driving in himself. Gunther and Tejada were flipped in the order (Why? Because fuck it, that’s why.), and each kept right on producing with two hits and two RBI apiece. The four hitters in the middle combined for three doubles, a triple and a tater off of Gallardo – the first time he’d been touched up significantly since early April.

OK, seriously

What. The. Fuck. Five days (ed. note: FIVE!!!) after announcing that he would not bat Bourn leadoff – because really, why tinker with it? – Beloved and Benevolent Leader Generalissimo Cecil C. Cooper decided to pinwheel, and moved Bourn into the leadoff spot after all.

IN HIS MIND.

In actual application, however, Cooper managed to pass this decision along to everyone but the FUCKING UMPIRES, who, it turns out, may have some sway in evaluating the results on the field vis-a-vis the players batting in their assigned order.

Cooper filled out the official lineup card with Kaz leading off as usual, put it in his pocket, and handed it over to the umpires – without even checking it (ed. note: !!?!?!!) – on a night when he had moved half of the position players from their regular spot in the order. After Bourn went out and singled from the wrong spot, Ken Macha brought the error to the crew’s attention, because he is apparently not inflicted with crippling ADHD and early-onset dementia. In fact, Macha somehow finds the time and attention span required to not only check his own lineup multiple times, but even – gasp! – his opponent’s lineup, complete with notes. I’m only speculating here, but last night’s notes probably had more than a few LOLs and WTFs mixed in.

The result was an out for Matsui, and Bourn returning to the plate for his actual at-bat. While the umps explained all of this, Cooper took control of the situation, owning up to the mistake and making sure that Bourn understood and was prepared for his next trip to the plate sat on his fucking ass in the dugout, pouting and allowing his centerfielder to become increasingly confused and agitated with no input whatsoever from the skipper. It was up to Blum to take the initiative to pull Bourn aside, explain to him that it was not his fault, and get him refocused on the task of getting on base to help the team. Obviously. Because Geoff Blum is paid to manage the fucking players. [/headexplodes]

I have, I think, run out of ways to express what a complete and total clusterfuck Cooper has been this season. The seeds were planted and well-fertilized last year, but we are really only now starting to reap this bountiful harvest of gross and comedic incompetence. I’d like to believe that there’s nowhere to go but up. When you consider that “up” doesn’t even require a rational lineup card – just an accurate one – it would seem that it’s within reach. But we all know better. Today, Cooper may accidentally burn the dugout to the ground while tying his shoes, or fill the bullpen with snakes, just to shake things up. Honest to God, the sky’s the limit here. We need this thing to stop, before someone gets killed.

If Coop can manage to write a few names down in order and hand them over without severely injuring anyone in the process, Bourn should be leading off tonight in the finale. (Fingers crossed.) Go get ’em…

The incorrect lineup card was not the problem, Manager Cooper is seriously confusing

Posted on May 21, 2009 by pravata in News You Can Use

Managers sometimes fill out the card wrong, but Footer spots the real problem
Once Cooper’s mistake was revealed, he did not move from his seat in the dugout, even as the umpires explained the situation to Cooper and to Bourn.

Finally… TWiB has come back to SnS!

Posted on May 21, 2009 by MusicMan in Featured, SnS TWIB

twib_large This Week Month Season to Date in Baseball
Once upon a time, a humble writer took it upon himself to summarize the goings-on in the rest of baseball (even in that bastardized “American” League) for the unwashed masses that stumble across the SnS front page. As the name would imply, this was to be a weekly recap, featuring hot teams and players, the biggest goings-on from the TZ, and a grab bag of other information that may or may not have been interesting. Unfortunately, as both of my regular readers know, the last edition of this “weekly” endeavor was at the beginning of the Beijing Olympics. It was a simpler time, when Shawn Johnson was doing gymnastics instead of dances, and Michael Phelps was doing laps instead of lap dances. A time when the stock market was at 11,782. A time when people even might have thought that Cecil Cooper was remotely competent at his job.

So I’m back, back again, tell a friend. We’ll start with some breaking news: The Friars have agreed to trade Jake Peavy to the White Sox. First of all, this is outstanding news if it keeps Peavy away from the (FT)Cubs. Second, this does remind me that the White Sox seem to be the AL version of the Astros; a team with a lot of old pieces that are continually predicted to fall on their face, and sometimes do, but more often surprise the “experts” with a successful season. A team led by a batshit crazy manager. A team that may cut some costs, but will always be willing to make the big move. The fact that these two teams met in the 05 WS was almost destiny, it seems.

Of course, Peavy could veto the deal and continue the drama.

Looking around the rest of the majors – what moves worked, what moves didn’t, and how do things look from here on out:

AL East
The Blue Jays are easily the suprise of the division, and likely the majors, with their 27-16 record. Apparently JP Ricciardi, when not insulting other teams’ players, managed to stockpile an amazing array of young arms that have helped to carry the team (along with Roy Halladay’s continued brilliance). It doesn’t hurt that Aaron Hill is absolutely murdering the ball, especially since there is nobody else in that lineup that strikes fear into you. Pitching and defense, folks. Remember that.
The Rays, on the other hand, are working their way back toward .500 after a rough start. Scott Kazmir hs fllen off the map, and their other starters aren’t doing much better; the fact that David Price remains at AAA is mind-boggling.
Oh, and some guy named Rodriguez came back with a crazy .189/.412/.595 line, making the “3 true outcomes” crowd absolutely orgasmic. The Yankees have also won 8 straight and are busy killing any media members who mention that their billion-dollar stadium is a joke.

AL Central
The Tigers have kept Jim Leyland out of the firing pool with some – wait for it – pitching and … well, pitching at least. The fire sale my be postponed, especially as the Twins and White Sox are struggling, and the Indians are just an absolute disaster. No pitching, no defense, and a bunch of pieces that don’t fit at all. The Royals are in the “happy to be here” category, but I may have to get Extra Innings on DirecTV just to watch Zach Greinke. The guy has always had a world of talent, and it’s great to see him putting it all together. (Am I the only one that takes more pleasure in seeing young pitchers blossom than position players? Yes? Let’s move on.)

AL West
Up is down, water is dry, and the Texas Rangers are the season’s biggest “pitching and defense” success story. Moving Young to 3b improved their defense at 2 positions, they made out like bandits in the Mark Texeira trade, and they sit in an IMMENSELY winnable division. Of course, it’s may, and the Rangers always suffer an August swoon, so let’s not start sucking each other’s… um, pospicles… just yet.
Oakland is 15-22 and the rest of baseball waits to see what Billy Beane will ask for on guys like Matt Holiday. It might actually be an interesting time for Michael Lewis to go back to Oakland, as well as Toronto, and find that for all of the economically interesting viewpoints that Moneyball provided, the actual lesson of the A’s is that young pitchers are, and will always be, the most valuable commodity in baseball.

NL East
Let’s see… the Phillies are 8-12 at home and still lead the division? Brad Lidge has given up 35 baserunners in 18 innings, and the Phillies still lead the division? I see a group of teams failing miserably to take advantage of the situation. The Mets can’t pitch, the Braves can’t hit, and the Marlins have fallen apart after setting the world on fire in April.
Oh, and the fact that the Astros left Washington without a win is shameful. 11-28, folks. 11-28. They allow a full run per game more than the next-worse team in the league. Other than Ryan Zimmerman, there is NOTHING to see there.

NL West
I’ve got nothing. The Dodgers will win this division before Labor Day, and I can’t see a single team out there doing anything of note.

NL Central
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the best division in baseball. Any ESPiN mediot that breaks out the “Comedy Central” routine this year should be fired, unless they are on Sunday Night Baseball, in which case they should be waterboarded on general principle.
Only the Reds have a losing record outside the division. Overall, the Central is 55-36 (or a .604 clip) against the East and West. Compare:

NL Central 55-36 .604
AL East 63-48 .568
AL West 45-47 .489
NL West 38-43 .469
AL Central 49-62 .441
NL East 39-52 .429

The Astros currently sit at 2 games under .500, yet look up at the entire division. Folks, everyone who thought the Cubs would run away and hide were WRONG. These Brewers continue to pitch, and they are beating up on their division rivals – 16-8 within the division. That’s how you stay in contention. And I must say that it disturbs me that the Astros have given up more runs than anyone in the division, despite a performance from Wandy Rodriguez that would be Cy Young worthy if Johan Santana weren’t winning or losing every game 1-0.

And just so we don’t forget…
Chocolate starfish of the season to date:
Lots of candidates here, but I’ll go with Cecil Cooper. You can debate a manager’s decisions, you can debate the wisdom of his moves. But you cannot debate that by sitting in the dugout and not even explaining the situation in last night’s game to the players involved, “Coop” completely abdicated his job responsibilities.
I stand by my prediciton – Coop will not be managing the Astros come the All-Star Break.

Hopefully I’ll be back sooner next time.

Ticky Tacky

Posted on May 20, 2009 by pravata in News You Can Use

Bullpen BS

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