Look, there’s no good reason to hate the Diamondbacks. They’ve got a silly name, sure, something that sounds like a fictional team on an 80’s video game that couldn’t afford an MLB license; “Shit, we can’t have the Sox and Phillies? How about a team in Phoenix with a snake mascot, and a team in Florida with a completely harmless aquatic mascot?” But that’s not really worthy of hate, especially for a team that once beat the Yankees in the World Series. But the surging Astros have to face them this weekend, so fuck ’em anyway.
After winning the preceeding series against the Fucking Cubs, the ‘stros are either preparing for their patented mid-season surge, or just getting hopes high enough that they’ll refrain from trading any “crucial” pieces. The D-backs should oblige in any case; they’re rudderless with an anemic offense backing up some strong starting pitching. So with the hometown boys only five games out of first in the NL Central, and the tantilizing possibility of leapfrogging the Cubs and Pirates by Sunday dangling in front of our eyes, let’s keep on the sunny side and feast on some snake. It tastes just like chicken. (Which distinguishes it from Carlos Zambrano, who is [and I assume, tastes like] chickenshit.)
Friday, 8:40 CST at Chase Field
Mike Hampton (4-4, 4.65) v. Dan(ny) Haren (4-4, 2.33)
This is the face of a man with a 2.33 ERA.
Seriously.
No, do not adjust your monitor. The guy who hit on your sister at every party in high school, before going off to follow Dave Matthews around the country for a summer has a better ERA that Roy Oswalt. Yet somehow, he’s 4-4, showing that the run support he’s getting is truly atrocious. Even better, Pudge and Miggy have hit him well, with Beaker the only Astro who’s failed to get a hit off of him. Get to Haren early, and this could be a fun night.
Of course, by way of comparison, here is a recent picture of Mike Hampton:
Caring about kids' schools = dating their teacher
So he’s got that going for him. Which is nice. In reality, the more appropriate picture is something like this:
Gimme some sugar, baby
Hammy’s last two starts have been a lot more Harvey Dent than “why the hell are you moping over the death of a Gyllenhaal Goblin?”, and he has his work cut out for him against the Baby Backs. Since most of the players on Arizona’s roster were in Huggies when Hampton had his best years, he hasn’t faced many of them. Unfortunately, the ones he has face have hit him well; Mark Reynolds and Chris Snyder are both at .500, and Augie Ojeda is .667. Time to adjust those averages down a bit, methinks.
Saturday, 7:10 CST
Roy Oswalt (2-3, 4.66) v. Jon Garland (4-6, 5.61)
Well, aren’t we glad we didn’t trade for Garland now? The Christmas decoration has lost four in a row, and hasn’t won since May 19th, and is really, really pressing the question of just how valuable an innings eater is when he’s giving up runs at a steady clip. The former AL-ers in Mud and Blood hit him well, except for Pudge (.178), with Tejada’s .435, 2 HR, and 8 ribbies leading the way.
Roy. What else can we say about the Mississippi Midget? If it were possible to surgically extract bad innings from games, Coop (or Geoff Blum) would have Dr. James Andrews on speed dial for every Oswalt start. Fortunately, Roy is a Reds-esque 7-1 lifetime against the D-Backs, and he owns Mark Reynolds, who’s 0-fer against Roy-O. Stephen Drew, Chris Young, and Miguel “Mitsubishi” Montero have all hit him fairly well, so hopefully their part of the lineup won’t be up when the Oswalt Inning arrives.
Sunday, 3:10 CST
Brian Moehler (2-4, 6.95) v. Billy Buckner (2-2, 6.75)
Don’t make the obvious joke. Don’t make the obvious joke. Don’t make the obvious joke, Mookie.
Shit.
Buckner actually sees a lot more balls going over his head than between his knees (that’s what she said), having given up roughly one homer every start en route to his Moehler-esque ERA. Race to the bottom you guys! (also what she said)
Moehler pisses me off, so in lieu of telling you how Eric Byrnes somehow owns him, here’s a picture of a ferret clown.
WFW
If there’s any justice in the world, that’ll be the subject of a JackAstro photoshop before you’re done reading this.
Injury Reports (for your fantasy team!)
Astros
Aaron Boone – ruining his career with AutoTune
Doug Brocail – yelling at his hamstring to make it heal
Kaz Matsui – trying to kick Usain Bolt’s ass.
Felipe Paulino – whiplash sustained slingshotting between bullpen and rotation
Jose Valverde – he’s coming. And hell’s coming with him.
D-backs
Tony Clark – Trying to persuade Bob Melvin to let him DH.
Tom Gordon – Consulting with producers of a porn version of “The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon”
Conor Jackson – Valley Fever. Seriously.
Yusmeiro Petit – is very small.
Chad Tracy – Surgery to remove girl’s name.
Brandon Webb – Wondering why Jake Peavy gets all the cute trade rumors.
Promotions
Friday: Post-game fireworks, you guys! In a dry dry desert! What could go wrong?
Saturday: Concert by crypto-Christian power-pop band Lifehouse. Screw that. We like our secretly Christian bands more like Cold War Kids.
Sunday: Hey, kids: want to learn how to make that pussy cream? Get there early for your Baxter Soap Dispenser. I think I need to go wash my hands now.
Things to Watch For:
- Moehler’s final turn in the starting rotation.
- Number of times JD rolls his eyes (audibly) at another Billy Buckner joke.
- Hampton picking pitches by flipping a scarred coin.
- Seriously, a fucking bobcat soap dispenser? Are there that few players on the D-backs who deserve a bobblehead?
ayers are not happy about the about the trade of All Star center fielder Nate McClouth to the Atlanta Braves for a Larry Wayne Jones topless photograph (autographed) and a gross of Snuggies. “There ain’t a guy in here who ain’t [ticked] off about it” Roach #1 said. “They might be trying to hide it or whatever, but … hey…”. Anyway, I get it that they were mad and missed their boy… but… making his replacement McCutchen paint himself in whiteface and call himself ‘Nate’? That’s just stupid. Even Ted Dansen thinks that is stupid. 
To the extent that someone happens to write something stupid about the Astros (I know, writing on the Astros by the media is usually well informed, cogent and all around worthwhile reading), or writes / does something stupid in general, they’ll get a special mention here in the “Assclown of the Week” (also known as “The Justice”).