The Astros cranked out three straight wins against the Rukkakes before Wandy took it on the chin Thursday. Thunderpants had a manly stroke Wednesday, popping four hits that included a prodigious money shot over the railroad tracks. Pence is fourth in the league in hitting, while Tejada is leading the league.

The Pirates lost two of three at home to the Astros last weekend, then traded off their young All-Star Nate McLouth and celebrated by sweeping the stupid fucking Mets. The Pirates cleared a spot for young hotshot centerfielder Andrew McCutchen with the trade and he’s already in the starting line-up. McCutchen should be an All-Star in two to three years, when he’ll be traded to the Cubs for Ryan Theriot and a handful of goat shit.

The Astros could climb over the Pirates and get out of the cellar this series; it is about time for the Pirates’ annual fade, after all. But then again, if this series goes to shit the Astros may as well settle into the cellar and set up a mushroom garden. Of course Lee and Berkman would just eat it, but you know.

Minute Maid Park

Friday, June 5, 7:05 p.m. – FSH-HD
Saturday, June 6, 6:05 p.m. – FSH-HD
Sunday, June 7, 1:05 p.m. – my20pixelsHD

Hurry back with your dulcet tones, Brownie. Do and Ray are yammering incessantly and stepping all over JD.

Also, a memo to Fox Sports – I’m tired of seeing douchebag Kobe Bryant being the Tickle Man. It’s not making me want to watch your annoying show.

Notable giveaways

Friday – Free car wash
Saturday – Free towel
Sunday – Kids run the bases

Pretty slim pickings on the schwag front this weekend. The best part is Sunday when kids can run around the bases as many times as they want, with the added bonus of being caught in a rundown by the Astros’ infielders the entire time. Every kid who scores gets a free minor league contract, so come out Sunday and help Ed Wade restock the minors.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Friday
Jeff Karstens (2-2, 4.83) v. Mike Hampton (3-4, 5.07)

Karstens is 1-0 in two career appearances against the Astros, both of which came earlier this season. He’s given up five earned runs in 11 innings against the Good Guys, along with 10 hits, six walks and five strikeouts. Lee, Berkman, and Pence are all 1-for-5 against him, with Pence’s hit being a homer. Tejada is 3-for-9 against Karstens with two doubles.

Hampton is 12-3 in 18 career appearances against the Pirates, and he hasn’t lost to them in more than nine years. That includes two wins and an ERA of 0.69 this season. Current Bucs are a combined 7-for-58 (.121) against Hampton, with Eric Hinske being the only one who’s done anything at all (2-for-3 with a double and a homer). Nobody else has more than one hit – or any extra-base hits – off Hampton.

Saturday
Paul Maholm (3-2, 3.82) v. Roy Oswalt (2-2, 4.28)

Maholm has 10 appearances against Houston and a 5-4 record, and he’s 0-1 this year. Current Astros have 136 at-bats against him but no one’s done much. Hunter Pence is the best of the lot at 5-for-16 with two doubles. Berkman and Lee are a combined 7-for-46 against him. Maysonet and Bourn are both 2-for-4.

Roy has a 13-6 record against the Pirates but he hasn’t faced them this season. No one on the Pirates has a homer off him, though Ann Wilson (24-for-66, .364) and Dirty Sanchez (11-for-30, .367) have hit him well. Andy LaRoche has six hits and six strikeouts against Roy.

Sunday
Ian Snell (1-6, 5.64) v. Felipe Paulino (1-4, 6.21)

Snell is 2-5 in 12 appearances against the Astros, but hasn’t seen them this season. Hunter Pence has a homer off Snell, and Bourn is 4-for-10 against him. Berkman is only 4-for-19 but also has 12 walks.

Paulino has only pitched one inning against the Pirates (in 2007) and Ann Wilson is 1-for-1 against him. He’s had four quality starts in his last five games, but hasn’t gotten much run support.

Injury Report

Pittsburgh – Third-baseman Andy LaRoche is questionable for this series. Reliever Tyler Yates (elbow), catcher Ryan Doumit (wrist), and starter Donnie “Try the” Veal (groin) are all on the 15-day DL. Starter Phil Dumatrait and reliever Craig Hansen are having a seat over there on the 60-day DL.

Houston – Geoff Geary may start a rehab assignment in Corpus Christi this weekend, so for God’s sake wear a helmet if you live down there. Click it or ticket. Jose Valverde might be back in another week or so; once Valverde is active, Billy Mays will be brought in to thoroughly clean all the stains in the trainer’s room. Doug Brocail and Kazuo Matsui are still comparing their sprung hamstrings.

Interesting Things

* Andy mentioned the Chivas horseface cockjockeys in the GameZone the other night. Holy shit, that one horseface with the fucking teeth looks like he could bite an apple in half.

* In these difficult and trying times, it’s comforting to know the Astros are lovingly sponsored by the Church of Scientology. According to sources close to the Astros who spoke to ESPN, Xenu is trying to get Orbit to come out of retirement and embrace his true past identity as a reincarnated thetan. The cleansing process is expected to require a soul audit and several expensive re-education courses, culminating in lawsuits all around. Negotiations with Junction Jack have stalled.

* In the spirit of special-label beer cans for stupid people who can’t tell the can is cold, Double Whataburgers will now come with an available meat indicator, and Southwest 737’s will be equipped with a thumbs up/thumbs down airworthiness certificate. Think of it as Dumbass Insurance.

* I spent last weekend in Chicago, surrounded by Cubs and Sox fans. One billboard from a stop-smoking campaign made me laugh – “Cubs Win World Series” and underneath “make sure you’re still alive to see it”

* Actually, fuck the Cubs

Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.

SEASONS IN HELL Vol. I, No. 3

June 1-4, 2009

Rockies (20-29) @ Astros (20-28)

Monday 7:05 p.m. CDT FOX-Houston
Tuesday 7:05 p.m. CDT FOX-Houston
Wednesday 7:05 p.m. CDT FOX-Houston
Thursday 7:05 p.m. CDT FOX-Houston

The cellar dwellers from the NL West and the NL Central get together this week for a four-game soirée.  If they could somehow get the Nationals into town, too, they could engage in a bizarre three-way that for some reason has me thinking of the South Park episode where all the men in town decide they are bisexual and engage in a massive man orgy. Not a nice vision to have (YTISWWT).

Bizarre homoerotic imagery aside, this will be a totally inconsequential series that will decide, well, nothing. I cannot imagine anyone outside of Denver and Houston paying any attention to it, unless it is scouts from NL contending teams, swirling around above the proceedings, riding the updrafts and deciding which Astros and Rockies veteran players to make a play for when their teams inevitably gird up their loins for a playoff run.

The only minor subplots revolve around the managers. Jim Tracy comes in as the shiny new head man for the Colorados, having replaced deposed field general Clint Hurdle last week. Tracy is a knowledgeable baseball man who has been around the block a few times managerially speaking, with minimal success. Expect the same in Rockie-land. Meanwhile, the drumbeat of calls for Astro skipper Cecil Cooper’s head have abated somewhat, with the series win in Pittsburgh. Presumably the clamor will start up again as soon as the Astros start losing again, and/or Cooper does something questionable on or off the field. Shouldn’t be long, either way.

Of course, people close to the situation don’t know shit, and should realize it takes a knowledgeable outsider like Jon Heyman to tell us what a bad idea it would be to shitcan Coop. Heyman somehow managed to do it without working himself or his wife (if he has one, I kind of wonder) or Noé or pravata ferret into the story, too.

Like a lot of other people, I have no idea where the Astros go from here. I do know I am out of the business of trying to foretell how they will fare, game-to-game. In the just completed Pittsburgh series, staff ace Wandy Rodriguez got knocked out of the box, while proles Brian Moehler and Mike Hampton twirled gems. That kind of wackiness is endearing in a way; but underneath, it signifies one fucked up team, going nowhere. I don’t know if changing managers would matter much now, no matter who was brought in, and anyway Drayton McLane has already indicated he is not firing anyone he just gave an extension to. That would make him look be stupid. As BudGirl said in the TZ, “Looks like a long season.”

PITCHING MATCHUPS
Monday June 1 (7:05 p.m.)
Houston Roy Oswalt (1-2, 4.62)
Roy Oswalt’s start this season sort of mirrors his team’s, which is not to say his difficulties to date are the primary reason his team sucks for air at this point. But it doesn’t help any.

Colorado Aaron Cook (3-2, 4.82)
Cook got off to a terrible start this season, and has been slowly working his way back from it. He is tough when his sinker is working; it is a pitch that probably helps him in Coors, of course. . . it helps him in MMPUS, too – he has done quite well in Houston through his career.

Tuesday June 2 (7:05 p.m.)
Houston Felipé Paulino (1-4, 6.75)
I want to think about the Paulino who was so tough through his first few starts, not whoever it is who has been inhabiting his body since. It is irrational and unsupportable, but I blame Cooper’s lack of a cohesive pitching plan for Paulino’s troubles this season, at least part of them.

Colorado Ubaldo Jimenez (3-6, 4.37)
Erratic, throws hard, pitched well against the Astros in Denver.

Wednesday June 3 (7:05 p.m.)
Houston Brian Moehler (2-3, 6.43)
Moehler was brilliant in Pittsburgh, pitching a complete game in leading the Astros to a 4-1 win. He has had really good outings since his return from the DL, and a few bad ones. I am going to err on the side of optimism and say he hasn’t been consistent yet because of the time he missed.

Colorado Jason Marquis (7-3, 3.93)
Marquis is putting together a nice season. Some think he will not finish it in Colorado, however. The Astros had their way with him earlier this year in Coors.

Thursday June 4 (7:05 p.m.)
Houston Wandy Rodriguez (5-4, 2.26)
Wandy has faltered lately, but that was on the road. One assumes (hopes?) in the friendly confines of MMPUS, he will return to dominating form.

Colorado Jason Hammel (1-3, 4.83)
Tall guy, not exactly a flamethrower. He didn’t do terribly in his first start against the Astros this season (7 hits, 4 R/ ER in 5.1 IP on May 14 in Coors), but he took the loss, anyway.

INJURIES
Houston – Jose Valverde (strained calf), 15-day DL, returns this week; Doug Brocail (strained left hamstring), 15-day DL, returns late may, or he could need surgery; Geoff Geary (right biceps tendinitis), early June maybe; Kazuo Matsui (strained right hamstring), 15-day DL, mid-June.

Colorado – Whole bunch of guys with various injuries.

SHINE, SHINE, THE LIGHT OF GOOD WORKS SHINE
This past week saw the departure of TZ heartthrob Alyson Footer from regular coverage of the Astros online, as she took a front office job with the Houston team, a job with a description some of us don’t really understand, or care to. All we know is no more Alyson on astros.com, and there definitely is something wrong with that.

Some people won’t believe it when I say a good many All-American red-blooded SnS-ers love Alyson not because of her long legs and shapely figure, or those flowing, curly, luxurious red locks; rather, we love her for her mind. Really, I am not kidding.

Oh, we like all the other stuff, too, but that is lagniappe. For several years, Alyson Footer has written incisively and clearly about the Houston Astros, day to day, and she never tried to inject herself into the story line or co-opt any of her readers/critics or turn everything that happened on or off the field into some facile, self-serving psychological study. She just told us what we saw, and added in some stuff we didn’t see but she did, in order to give our mental picture of the team some depth of field, some perspective with which to try and think about what we saw going on before us. Her insights into Cecil Cooper this season, as an example, have greatly informed my own thinking about the Astros skipper and all the shenanigans surrounding him. I still jump to stupid, unsupportable conclusions, all the time; but I believe I jump to far fewer than I would otherwise, thanks mostly to Alyson Footer.

Another reason I think we took to Alyson is we sense she is something like us, that she has a sort of skewed worldview colored by natural skepticism, like we do (her response in the farewell thread only reinforced this impression.) We could see that she was in possession of a sensitive internal bullshit meter, and not hesitant to comment about whomever or whatever set it off, whenever it went off.

Personally, Alyson reminds me a lot of a female drinking buddy I had in high school and college. My friend was a girl, yes, and pretty; but she had so much depth of character and intelligence and humor that I actually managed to look at her as a compadre first, a partner in crime, sort of. Most guys will tell you, that’s a big deal, not thinking of a woman, any woman, first (at least partly) as an object of desire.

This girl friend of mine and I had great fun over the years and managed to never fall into a physical relationship, although I sure as hell wanted to sometimes, especially after a lot of drinking. But I kept it to myself, out of respect for her and the person she was, and out of respect for the unique understanding we had.

Respect. That is what we have for you, Alyson Footer. For being smart. For being funny. For not lying to us, or letting your ego take over the clear vision you had of what the hell was going on out there. Alyson, I was joking in the farewell thread, trying to out-creepy some of my fellow denizens in the TZ (a difficult thing to do, let me tell you.)

These are my real words of pizmotality.  My admiration for you is immense, and I respect you tremendously; for the reporter you are, for the person you are. Good luck in your new venture, I have no doubt you will do well. And I’ll go out drinking with you anytime, no strings attached.

THE WEATHER
Who cares? The roof’ll be closed anyway.

Astros split the series, 2-2. Cooper retains his job, for now.

You burn me up I’m a cigarette
You hold my hand I begin to sweat
You make me nervous
Ooh, I’m nervous

It must be real bad karma
For this to be my dharma
With you

********